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"I've saved a man, today"
It should've come out casually, like a good-natured "as you do", but... it felt more like a confession.
"I've never saved anyone before. I... did it for you"
Nikolai felt his voice tremble slightly. Tears pricking at his eyes. His only response was utter silence.
"It's been almost two months since I joined the Armed Detective Agency. Kunikida-san said I did good. I want to be good. Because if I'm not..."
That, too, felt like a confession. One he couldn't continue. He didn't want Sigma to know what would happen if he snapped and committed another crime. He took off his eye-patch. Twisted and turned it. Looked at it from all angles. He sighed. Long. Deep. Disappointed.
"I'm sorry. I never should've dragged you into the crossfire, I..."
He trailed of. Grimaced. No. He couldn't do this. Not today.
"Everyone wants to meet you, y'know? Atsushi, the tiger-boy. He saved you, or tried to... I wish you hadn't let go... Dazai wants to apologize, he doesn't say it, but I saw the way he looked at you, back when he carried you out of Meursault..."
That topic was happier. Sort of. His voice cracked anyway, a single tear running down his cheek. Then, he laughed. The sound loud, ugly, in the otherwise almost serene silence.
"I felt so useless. Dazai was carrying you, and I just stood there clutching Fyodor's severed arm..."
He paused, wincing. Maybe mentioning Fyodor wasn't the right thing to do... after all, Fyodor was the reason why-
"I burned it. I burned it to a crisp and dumped it into the ocean"
This.
This felt less like a confession. It felt like the good old times, like their old conversations. As morbid as his words were, as much as they resembled a confession... it felt like the old times. Like the times where he used to ramble about his latest escapades, about his latest victim, his latest murder.
And Sigma, poor, easily queasy and oh so easily disgusted Sigma, had always nodded along and hummed at the appropriate points of his elaborate tales. Even if he did look close to throwing up sometimes. It was so, so rare that he actually asked him to stop a story.
He did tend to cut out the worst parts.
Couldn't traumatize a kid, could he?
"I miss you"
Three simple words.
That was all it took for Nikolai to break down. Break down into loud, ugly sobs. He threw the card aside in favor of burying his face in his hands. He couldn't remember the last time he properly cried.
"I never told you. Never. Not when I was away on missions. Not when I faked my death. Not a single time in the years we've known each other... and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry"
He didn't expect an answer. He didn't except a 'I forgive you'. He didn't expect it... and it broke him all the more.
Because of course, there was no answer.
"Yosano told me I need to... to stop. To take a step back. Says this isn't good for me. Dazai agrees, but I saw him. I saw his eyes. He understands. I think... I think he'd do the same, if I wouldn't"
Nikolai let out a mixture between a sob and a laugh. Wiping a stray tear from his emerald eye.
"I don't... I can't let you go. You're not really gone, after all, right?"
His voice dropped to a murmur. Uncharacteristically quiet. Nikolai was a loud person. Everyone knew that, when he was around, there was noise. Lots of it. But now... it was utterly quiet.
"You're important. You're important to me, y'know that? I... I hope you do. I should've said it properly. At least once. I never did tell you, even back then when you were so utterly heartbroken over what Fukuchi thought of you... I never told you that you're..."
Family.
Family he wanted to utter, but couldn't. Because it would be like saying it to air. Because he'd get no response. No, he'd wait. He'd wait to call him that. This wasn't the right time.
Dejected, he ran a hand through his hair, his voice soft. Broken, almost.
"May I join you?"
The clown glanced towards the origin of the voice. Paused when he was faced with eyes sharp like steel, ones haunted by events of the recent past and things ages ago.
"Fukuzawa-dono" his voice stayed a murmur and he inclined his head. "Of course" he added, trying to keep his voice steady. He knew a bow was more appropriate, but couldn't manage one.
The older man, his boss, and he still couldn't believe he was actually able to call him his employer, that he even had an employer instead of sitting in a dusty cell without his coat, sat down next to him. For a moment, both of them were utterly silent.
Finally, Nikolai took a deep breath.
"I'm sure you'd get along. Sigma likes cats"
The information was small. Trivial. Something only he was aware of. Like their own little secret. Or, well, it used to be their little secret. But it wasn't a real secret, it's just that nobody ever asked. Or cared. So nobody else knew. After all, why would Sigma tell that a random casino guest? Or Fyodor?
No, Nikolai was the only one to know.
He took pride in that. Knowing things about him that no one else did. He understood Sigma in a way others did not... because he cared. As much as he loathed to admit it that he felt emotions. It was, at least, not as horrible as the guilt crushing his soul.
But how could he not care? How could he not care for the innocent kid that was Sigma? Even if said 'kid' was actually an adult with a chronological age of around... oh, almost four now, wasn't it?
He'd get along well with Kenji-kun. The boy might be younger, or older whichever way one liked to look at it, but that one was also so... innocent. Carefree, as opposed to Sigma's overthinking and people-pleasing attitude... but they both had that child-like innocence.
He wondered if Sigma would still have it. After everything in Meursault.
"Gogol-kun"
The clown winced at the stern voice. He knew that was just how Fukuzawa was... but he disliked it either way. "Nikolai is enough" he chirped, aiming for an up-beat and chipper tone.
"Nikolai-kun, then..."
Nikolai sighed. Well, good enough. At least this time it wasn't his last name again.
"I know what it feels like. We all do. Well all lost someone"
Nikolai scowled. "I'm well aware. But he isn't... he isn't lost. I know it. Why do all of you so desperately want me to mourn for him, when he's still alive?" He didn't raise his voice. He always refrained from that, ever since day one. Since he started visiting Sigma.
He didn't want to scare him awake.
Although... maybe he should try?
There was a beat of silence.
"I do not wish for you to mourn him, because you're right, he is not lost yet, Nikolai-kun. I want you to live. Your coworkers worry for your health"
He didn't break into tears this time, but his expression was pinched in what could only be described as pure agony. "Why should I get to live my life, when he has yet to live his?" He whispered brokenly.
It wasn't fair. Sigma was a good person. A good kid, in his eyes, with how young he was. And Sigma never had lived his life properly. He'd only been used. Over and over. Even the casino wasn't something he'd chosen for himself. It was chosen for him. Of course he loved it... but it had been all he had. And he'd desperately tried to make sure he'd never lose it.
In the end, he lost his most precious possession anyway.
Fukuzawa looked at him. His expression unreadable. There was neither pity nor resignation, not even annoyance. He denied seeing understanding in his eyes.
"Because sitting here will not change anything. You can sit here forever, and if that is what you want, I shall leave you be... but sitting here won't make him suddenly wake up"
Nikolai turned away. Clenched his teeth. "And what if he does? What if he wakes up, lost and confused, and doesn't know where he is?" He asked, agitated. Forcing his voice to stay even. "You don't know him like I do. He... Sigma can't be on his own. He can't be alone with strangers. I won't let him wake up, thinking I'd abandoned him"
He swallowed, feeling as though something got stuck in his throat.
"I promised I'd make sure he doesn't get hurt. I already failed badly enough. I can't fail again"
Fukuzawa hummed. Silent for a moment. "If he wakes up, no harm will befall him, Nikolai" the man sounded serious. Honest. But the clown only laughed. He wasn't sure whether it was hysterics, because there was that damned IF again, or disbelief. "You think I worry for his safety? I know that none of you would harm him... I've watched you work. I've worked with you"
He shook his head, sighed. He worked with them. And he told Sigma about it, ever day. Every day for two months. Because that's what he chose. Because he chose to do good, rather than risk never seeing Sigma again.
"No, I'm not worried about you guys harming him... but I worry for his reaction. For his reaction when I'm not there. Do you truly think he'd believe you? That you mean no harm?" Fukuzawa stayed silent. Nikolai pushed on. "Dazai told you. I know he told you. I wasn't in the room, but I heard"
A beat.
A glance.
Finally, Fukuzawa inclined his head. As if accepting his response. It was almost bizarre. The way these people took what he said at face-value. As if he wasn't a mad jester who only spouted nonsense. It was... so starkly different to what the Decay had been like.
His opinion was heard. Considered.
It wasn't one or two men running the show. No, all of them had a part.
And a part of him was glad. Glad, because if Sigma hadn't been created, been recruited into the Decay... well, he'd never had considered if maybe, Fyodor's words weren't truly truthful.
He never was sure when he started to have even an ounce of doubt in Fyodor. Most of him still believed that the man had been the only one to truly understand him. Maybe he did understand him. Maybe he just knew how to act like he did.
It didn't matter, anyway. He was dead.
"Don't forget your own health"
Nikolai offered a smile that was all teeth. Not again with that. The dear Doctor put him up to it, didn't she? No matter. "I might not care about living, but I will stay alive. For his sake" the clown spoke with absolute conviction, eyes falling away from his boss.
He'd stay alive.
Because there were things unsaid. Because he never told him how important he was to him. He never told him, and certain things... certain things he'd rather say to Sigma's face, or not at all.
And he wanted to say them. He wanted to tell him how important family was to him. How important Sigma was to him.
Sigma wasn't his best friend.
He was his little brother.
And so he sat there and waited. Because living... living wasn't easy. Not for Nikolai, who'd perhaps never soar free as a bird. Not with the guilt weighing down his soul.
And so he waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Until a pair of silver eyes slowly blinked open, laced with hazy confusion.