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To love was a luxury, and Astarion was dirt poor. He could barely remember the days when he was surrounded by those who loved him, and those whom he loved back. This phantom of a memory was slowly fading away from him, even more so now. To Cazador, he was merely another subject—no, object— to do his bidding. What was the use of a body if one could not even have the freedom to live in it? What was the use of a heart if one could not even have the freedom to love with it? Maybe, by the damnation of whichever god he had lucked out against, it was the reason he was turned; maybe his heart had stopped beating as a metaphor representing how he could never have the freedom to love again.
There were times, in the midst of all the rush and anguish of his life, that Astarion pondered if there was anything more that could come out of his life. Was he forever cursed to live through this limbo of endless nights spent between the monotonous sheets of another and lifeless alleyways full of rats? Would he never be able to step out into the light ever again? Sometimes he even asks himself if there *ever was a time* he could stand in the sunlight of the world. What is the worth of a life only spent in the shadows?
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By some kind of luck or misfortune, however, Astarion was taken by the Mind Flayers and infected with a parasite. This all was a big shock to him. Now he could walk freely in the sunlight, he could wander wherever he wanted to; all of this within the time constraint set by the parasite at least. With a ticking time bomb within his skull, Astarion knew what he needed to do— he needed to free himself once and for all, whether it be from the parasite or Cazador. And thus, albeit reluctantly, Astarion decided to team up with the rambunctious group of wayward souls in the same situation as him. He could make good use of them for the time being, there was never anything wrong with having extra shields to protect his precious body.
But, with the hustle and bustle of their entire adventure as a group, Astarion did not predict that he would fall for someone. In fact, he did not even know that his heart was capable of such a thing, with it having stopped and all. He suddenly found himself afraid for the first time in a while. How could he let himself become vulnerable like that? How could he, someone who had everything to lose, risk opening up himself to the uncertainness that was love. It was something uncertain, the prospect of love, and Astarion found himself terrified.
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Yet, despite all this uncertainty and unease he felt, Astarion decided that he would risk it; he would allow himself this one luxury he had never even dared to during his years spent as Cazador’s slave. He would allow himself to fall in love, fall deeply in love even, with Tav. Sure he could try and try and try to deny it all, but Astarion knew that from the moment he realized he was in love that it was already a losing game from the start.
So Astarion decides to love, fully and wholeheartedly. His love was the only thing he had control over in this ever changing and uncertain world, and he decided that the most powerful thing he could do was to be unabashedly and unrelentingly in love. It also did not hurt that Tav was everything Astarion had hoped for in the world— they were gentle, kind, patient, and considerate. Being around Tav, it felt like he could finally breathe; it was as if after all this time he could finally relax after holding the weight of the world on his weary shoulders.
There was nothing that could stop Astarion now, knowing that he was empowered by his freedom over whom he loved. This was the liberation he had longed after for years and years of unrelentingly dreadful dark nights. No more was he a puppet played with under the whims of a cruel master. He was Astarion, someone capable of choosing what to do with his love. This was the first step to true emancipation, this was the first step into the new world he was going to build for himself.
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Astarion’s love was his, and his alone; he had the power to choose whom he wanted to love. Thus, through it all, he decided to love Tav. To love them with his entire heart. Sure to love was a luxury, but Astarion struck gold when he found Tav.