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He was at his wits end, he knew it and he was sure they could see it too. He was exhausted all the time, he couldn’t sleep, could barely eat, he didn’t speak unless one of his friends or boyfriend spoke to him.
It was his seventh year and he couldn’t even be bothered to study for the N.E.W.T.S, if there was ever a time for the evidence of him being a fuck up, it was now.
He didn’t see an end though, not like he usually did. When he got like this, normally he always knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, some bright hope coming to scoop him back up and get him through the next few months.
There wasn’t a light now.
No bright hope shining just out of reach.
He could only see a few feet in front of him and with each step he felt like he was going further into the darkness instead of farther away from it. He was spiraling and he had no clue how to stop.
Remus had told him to talk to him when he got like this, had promised he’d want to hear it and that Sirius was anything but a burden to him. He’d repeated it so much that it was one of the only things Sirius remembered when he got like this.
But even that was fading now.
His thoughts seemed to be a consistent dull buzz in his mind, his body didn’t feel real, his words didn’t sound like his, he felt so far away yet startlingly close all at once. Because if he was numb that meant he wouldn’t feel this agonizing pain, right? But he could, it felt like it flooded every part of him, making his eyes heavy and his movements slow, as if the pain itself weighed on his every step.
“Just give him a second, Jamie.”
“Moony, it's been five minutes like this.”
“And it will be worse if we force him out, you know that.”
He could hear them but the words didn’t make sense, the sounds, the familiar cadences of the their voices, all of it was somehow close but not close enough to grasp, ends of sentences faded into new ones and he still felt like he was floating, somewhere above his body as he felt warm palms on his cheeks, a soothing brush of skin against his.
“Siri, love, can you hear me?”
The voice sounded so tense, scared. It made him ache, somehow even if he didn’t know who it was he did know that that voice was one never meant to feel pain.
“You’re okay, you’re alright, mate, just take your time, we’ll be here.” Another voice, another one that lit a fondness in his chest.
What were their names again? His head felt so light.
“You’re safe, come back when you’re ready, darling. I’ll be here, I’ll always be here.”
Darling
Only Moony called him that.
Moony.
Remus.
Remus was here and if he was here then…
“Always, Pads.”
James
“Yeah, love, James is here, you’re doing so good, almost there.”
He could vaguely feel his hands, his fingers twitching where they rested uselessly at his side, he blinked a bit, trying to force himself back into his body, Remus was talking to him, he needed him, the least he could do was fucking answer him.
“No rush, Padfoot, you’re alright, just breathe.”
He did as he was told, breathing deeply with what little feeling he still had and tried to ground himself in the sensation of Remus’ hands on his face, holding him softly.
Remus continued to stroke gently over his face, making it that much easier for Sirius to touch back on solid ground, his eyes fluttered a bit as they refocused, spotting Remus’ jumper in front of him, realizing now that this hands had reached up to grip weakly on the hem of the fabric.
When he glanced up Remus was watching him carefully, trying to ascertain whether or not Sirius could understand his words over the roaring in his head.
“Rem”
His voice sounded like he’d swallowed nails, the word coming out strained and stilted as he looked up into the amber eyes he adored so much.
Remus smiled, a small sad thing on his lips.
“Welcome back my love, feeling more steady?” He asked, a hand reaching up and smoothing Sirius’ hair back gently.
He nodded, his eyes only leaving Remus to glance at James, who was watching him with poorly concealed worry even as he smiled softly at him, a hint of relief in his gaze.
It was then he started to realize where he was.
The dorm room, in his pajamas, his back against the wall nearest to the window, his knees were pulled tight to his chest and Remus knelt in front of him with James on his left.
He couldn’t be comfortable sitting like that, Sirius was sure of that much, especially with how he was leaning slightly forward to grasp Sirius’ face in his hands.
“Moony, you’ll hurt your knees if you sit like that.” Sirius mumbled, he was sure Remus only heard him because of the Wolf’s heightened senses.
“I’m hardly worried about that right now, Pads, I’ll be fine. Let’s get you up and into bed.”
If he had more energy he’d argue, if he had more energy he’d joke about Remus getting him into bed.
But he didn’t, so he let himself be picked up, held carefully against the taller man's chest before he was set gently onto the bed, Remus coming to sit by his side, pulling the covers up and over him.
He’d never deserve Remus, never deserve a single part of him, he’d be better off if he wasn’t here to bother him with this.
“Sleep, lovely, I’ll be here”
Sirius shook his head, he didn’t deserve to sleep either, no matter how exhausted he was.
Remus watched him for a minute, no words were spoken as his eyes drifted over his face, his long hair, the slight furrow to his brow that never seemed to leave these days.
“I’m tired, Sirius.” Remus spoke gently, his eyes soft and fond.
Sirius flinched, of course he was, Sirius had tired him to no end recently. He needed to leave, needed to stop hurting him.
“Oh sweetheart,” Remus whispered, his hand coming up to rest on Sirius’ cheek, “not of you, I just want to sleep, get to hold my favorite person while I do it?” He raised an eyebrow.
Sirius’ brow furrowed more and Remus smiled, moving to his side and sliding beneath the covers with him.
“Can I?” He whispered.
Sirius was nodding before he even realized it and Remus slid his arms around his slim waist, holding gently and pulling him back against his chest, his warmth enveloping him in a way that made it impossible not to shut his eyes.
“Just sleep, you need it.” Remus pressed a kiss to his head.
And who was he to deny him?
~~~
He woke up what felt like hours later, he felt no more rested than before and Remus was still wrapped around him, his chest rising and falling in steady breaths beneath Sirius.
He remembered the reason he was sleeping next to his boyfriend now and felt a distinct feeling of shame rise up in his stomach.
Remus was the best person he knew, the greatest joy in his life, and here he was making him worry, not only him but James, and no matter how he tried to hide it, Regulus too.
He was scaring everyone, making everything harder for the people he cherished most and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could live with that. They didn’t deserve to be subjected to his issues every day of the year, they deserved light and happiness, a life that made them feel full and content.
Sirius was certain that he didn’t bring anything close to that for a single one of them.
How long could he go, constantly fighting his mind and hurting those he cared for?
Not any longer, he decided.
He pressed a gentle kiss to Remus’ head, allowing himself to be selfish for a minute longer as he felt tears sting his eyes.
The boy moved slightly but settled as Sirius slid carefully out of his arms, he was doing this for him, he told himself, doing this so Moony had someone good for him, someone who could give him everything he deserved and more.
He had considered this quite a bit in the last few months, doing something like this. He imagined every way he could do it, plummeting off the astronomy tower, slicing his wrists bloody, swallowing enough of those muggle pills, conjuring a rope.
He wouldn’t take the pills, they were Moony’s and Merlin knew how guilty Remus would feel, no he wouldn’t do that to him. He’d go over all this much sooner if he didn’t feel like he was the reason when in fact he was the only reason he had made it this far in general.
He thought the rope would be too loud, even with a silencing charm, and he doubted he could sneak out of here quietly enough to not wake Moony, so…
He eyed the pocket knife sitting on the end table, the blade was sharp, it was always kind of a safety net if he decided he couldn’t do this anymore. Now he was grateful for his forethought.
He took a final glance at his Moony before sliding the knife gently off the table and retreating into the bathroom.
He would write a note, explain it to him, to James, to his little brother, but he didn’t think they’d want one, not after everything he did, everything he put on them.
He thought if they had something from him then they’d hold onto it like an answer, when he didn’t really have an answer to give. He didn’t know why he was like this, why he’d been this way for a while now.
He put a locking charm on the door and a silencing charm on the room, he was hoping they wouldn’t have to find him a complete mess but he knew the possibility of that was low if he did it right.
Nonetheless he sat down, he wasn’t shaking, wasn’t nervous and perhaps he should have found that odd. Death had never frightened him but he had always assumed it would be by someone else's hand, not his own. He expected to feel scared, of himself, for himself, he wasn’t sure but he thought he’d feel something.
He didn’t, he was numb.
He rolled his sleeves up, taking in the unmarred skin of them, his thighs were easier to hide anyhow but that hardly mattered at this point.
He brought the knife firmly down, slicing into the soft skin of his inner wrist, pressing down and dragging the blade as hard as he could.
He felt the sting but it was a distant thing, like there was a fog in front of him that he couldn’t wave away.
He brought the knife to his other wrist, his abused one shaking his hand violently as he attempted the same on the other, pressing firmly and dragging across his wrist.
This one was less deep but it still leaked blood down his arm.
He dropped the knife, letting it clatter to the floor as his vision began to blur.
He could just barely feel the blood flowing down his arm and hear it dripping to the ground. At the same time he heard a sound of banging near him, he couldn’t muster the energy to find out.
There was a louder band and then voices and fast feet pounding through the room but Sirius could only take in a quarter of what was going on.
His eyes were barely open by the time he felt pressure on his lips, heard gentle words whispered against his ear. Or maybe they were shouted, he couldn’t tell, everything was foggy and uncertain.
He could make out the voice though and it made whatever feeling he had left light up his senses.
He’d never heard Moony sound so panicked, even after he ran away from hom, beaten and bloody, Moony had been calm and composed even with the feral undercurrent of rage and sadness Sirius could sense in him.
Now though, he was frantic, pressing kisses to his hair as he felt himself lifted from the floor, his hands gentle as he brushed one through his hair and murmured sweet words to him as the world rushed by.
His vision was going in and out now, seconds of consciousness coming in bursts of color and sound before his eyes slid closed again.
He felt a soft but firm material beneath him before he drifted, not comprehending enough to decide whether or not it was a good thing.
~~~
“Moony, you’ve been here for days, mate”
“Not like you haven’t, Prongs, or Reg”
“I’ve showered, Remus, I’ve eaten, so has Reggie.”
“It’s been two days, James, I’ll shower when he wakes up.”
“You heard, Pomfrey, he’s recovering she said it could take up to a week with all the potions and healing spells for-... just, he won’t feel any better if you look half dead when he’s up.”
There was quiet, then,
“I’ll shower, I can’t stomach anything.”
~~~
“Remus, just eat something.” The voice was exasperated the next time he hovered in consciousness.
Remus
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. Merlin, Remus, you’ve lost weight in the past five days, you look like hell, you look worse than him right now. It’ll worry him. What are you trying to do? What service does this do for him?”
“Maybe if I paid more attention to just what he was doing then I could have stopped this. So no, James, I won’t be moving until he wakes up, if he so much as twitches I’ll be here, if he wakes and needs someone to capture a flobberworm, I’ll be here. If he so much as asks for anything before I know what he might need I’ll have failed, do you get it?”
“That’s irrational, this isn’t your fault, you know he wouldn’t want you to feel like this.”
“He doesn’t need to focus on anything but getting better. This isn’t something that concerns him.”
Sirius so desperately wanted to wake up, wanted to yank himself into the present, his Moony was in pain, he needed help .
But he pulled under before he could try.
~~~
The next time he heard voices around him he felt different, more here, less distant.
He could feel his eyes flutter as he forced them open, his wrists felt like they were aching but it was better than he thought it’d be.
He somehow wasn’t shocked when he remembered how he’d gotten there, he felt like this was a long time coming.
He couldn’t tell if he was sad it didn’t work or not.
“Lupin,”
“Regulus, I’m not doing this with you.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“Then why are you here?”
“He’s my brother, do I need more?”
“You do when James is outside the door, watching like he’s sent you in here for some reason.”
Then he heard another set of footsteps, and saw from half open eyes as James strutted into his focus.
“I didn’t send him in but I was hoping he’d help.”
“And why would he?”
It was his brother's biting voice that came next.
“Because he cares about you, loves you even, and despite how I was raised, I don’t hate you too much either. You’re not helping him by doing this to yourself.”
That’s when Sirius’ eyes truly focused on his boyfriend, truly honed in on his figure.
His face was sunken, his cheekbones sharper than they’d been when he last saw him, his clothes hung off of him, like they were wearing him rather than the other way around. His hands clenched tightly at his arms, his under eyes dark like he hadn’t slept in years.
He looked worse than he did after a moon he didn’t scratch himself to hell with.
A distressed sound built in his throat, his eyes stinging at the look of his boyfriend. He looked sick, like he was in mind-ending pain.
Remus’ eyes snapped to his, widening when they actually met his instead of the closed lids he’d grown accustomed to staring at and hoping they’d open.
He stepped forward, his arms dropping to his sides and Sirius could see the tears pooling in his amber eyes, it made his face drop. He hated seeing Moony cry and he was fairly certain it was his fault.
Remus jolted like he was broken from a trance and wiped roughly at his eyes, it only made Sirius want to hug him, hold him close until he stopped being so rough on himself. If anyone deserved that it was Sirius, not his Moony, never Moony.
“It’s okay, Pads, I’m good.”
James and Regulus’ heads shot up form where they’d been quietly talking in the last minute when Remus turned away, his werewolf hearing the only one who picked up on the noise.
“Sirius”
“Brother”
They both ran towards him, carefully grabbing him, Regulus was sobbing into his shoulder and he could feel quiet tears fall down James’ cheeks against him.
“I’m okay,”
He rasped out, his throat rough and achy.
A glass of water was in front of him a second later, James taking it from the hand extended out to him, he knew instinctively it was Remus but he couldn’t see over James and Regulus.
And while he loved them both, like any good brother should, couldn’t they see Moony was in pain right now?
It felt like the only thing he could focus on right now, even as he nodded responses towards the other two fussing over him as if he deserved it after what he put them through.
“Pads? Padfoot? Sirius,” His gaze shot to James Who offered him a shaky smile, “Hey, lost ya there for a second.”
There was an odd choking noise from the other side of the room and Sirius looked over to see Remus standing in front of the chair on the far side, not sitting in it, just staring like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to sit down.
That wouldn’t do.
He took a breath, cleared his scratchy throat just a bit, and then his voice was ringing through the quiet room.
“Moony,” It was barely over a whisper and yet he knew Remus heard it, if the way his spine went ram-rod straight was any indication, “Moony, come here, please?”
“Love-”
“Please, Rem?”
That time it was a whisper, one he knew his boyfriend would hear, if only him.
Remus turned and walked towards him, James and Regulus parting so he could stand next to the bed.
He saw James nod at him as he steered Regulus out of the room and let the curtains fall shut around them.
It was just him and Remus.
Remus, who looked like a ghost of himself, who looked so torn apart Sirius could hardly understand how it had gotten so bad so quickly. But he did understand, he’d been the cause, always hurting him. He was reminded of the reason he’d tried to leave in the first place.
“Love?” He spoke softly into the quiet room.
He could see the tears Remus was fighting to keep in and failing. He held his hand out and watched as Remus hesitantly slipped his hand into Sirius’, when he did though he squeezed his hand tightly, like if he let go the other boy would disappear.
“Sit down, Rem, you look like a strong wind could blow you over.”
Remus did as he was told, still not saying a word as he sat on Sirius’ bed.
That's when he brought his other hand up to cradle Remus’ face, thumb brushing over his cheek. He could feel the bones sticking out more than he ever had before and a tear fell from his eyes as he sniffled, watching Remus, the man had his head down, focused on their clasped hands.
“What happened, Rem?”
He looked up from their hands so quickly Sirius was worried he might hurt his neck. He slid his hand down the back of his neck and rested it on the nape, rubbing soothing circles into it.
“What happened? You were almost taken from me, that’s what happened. I almost lost you, you could have died, Sirius.”
Sirius winced but he wasn’t shocked, the circles didn’t even stop their pattern.
“I know,” He spoke softly, “I’m sorry, I thought it would be better for everyone.”
At this Remus’ eyes sparked, he was angry. Sirius figured he might be.
“Better for everyone?” He whispered, sounding like cross between pained and enraged, “How would this be better for anyone? How would you being gone help a single person?”
“Moony, you, James, Reggie, you all deserve more. What I can’t give you, I can’t hold you all back anymore. You deserve-”
Remus’ face was changing, grief and anger coming in waves as he spoke before he finally stopped him.
“Why do you get to decide what I deserve, what me, Reggie, or James deserve? Furthermore, do you care what we want? I want you, Sirius, just you and all that come with it, the good and the bad. That’s what James wants too and despite how he tries to hide it, Reggie as well.”
“But, Remus-”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, I won’t sit here and listen to you try to justify taking yourself away from me, you being gone is something simply can’t be justified short of you stopping loving me and the others.”
“I would never-”
“Exactly, you wouldn’t. So there is absolutely no reason for you to be gone, none that even your mind can concoct.”
“Rem”
Remus’ eyes softened, taking Sirius’ hand from his neck and using both of his to cup Sirius’ face softly.
“You’re everything, Sirius.” Tears were streaming down both their faces, “You can’t take everything away from me, you can’t. Please, lovely.”
Sirius nodded, hiccuping slightly.
“I can’t do it without you, I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
Remus nodded, pulling Sirius in and wrapping himself tightly around him, holding his head to his chest.
It was silent for a time, and then Sirius was pulling back, just enough to look at Remus.
“We need to fix this” He spoke softly, his thumb again rubbing over the others cheek.
“And this” he brushed the purple under his eyes.
Remus nodded.
“As long as we can fix this” he held just above Sirius’ bandage.
Sirius nodded.
“We’ll fix both, together.”
“Together.”
Remus agreed, leaning his forehead against Sirius’ and brushing a tender kiss over his lips.
“Always.”