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Gotoh ‘Bocchi’ Hitori watched as yet another person walked past her. Her hands trembled, the grip of her guitar loosened and the notes she memorized became hazy.
Useless…
Hitori stopped strumming as she realized no one was even considering looking in her direction. In the eyes of the rest of the world, she was nothing more than garbage left out to rot in the streets. A pitiful being trying its hardest to get the attention of anyone.
Why did I even bother?
Defeated and drained, Hitori packed her guitar. She reached into her pocket and pulled out five pieces of paper she hoped wouldn’t be in her possession by the end of the day.
Tickets to Kessoku Band’s next performance.
Hitori had hoped selling tickets would’ve been easier thanks to her previous experience with Hiroi. She even tried to perform in Shimokitazawa, hoping the many people who passed by would take notice. However, performing alone still proved too Herculean of a task. Despite what Hiroi had taught her, she couldn’t bear to look up while playing, anxious about the many judgemental eyes that might glare into her soul like ravenous hawks. In the end, Hitori felt nothing more than a waste of time, for herself and everyone around her. Shoving the tickets back into her pocket, Hitori loudly sighed.
This day couldn’t get any worse….
As if the universe wanted to play a sick prank, dark clouds suddenly formed over Hitori, and soon rain fell heavily over Shimokitazawa. Hitori used what little cover she had to hide from the rain, underneath a staircase in between two vending machines. Squatting down just centimeters away from the rain, Hitori had no mood to head back home. As much as she wanted to crawl back into her closet and never see the sun again, the pitter-patter of rain helped soothe her heavy heart just a little. Hitori buried her head between her legs, wishing she could just be washed away with the rain.
“Bocchi-chan?”
Hitori looked up and was greeted by a figure standing over her. The unkempt golden hair and baggy hoodie were enough for her to recognize the person.
“…Manager-san?” she called out.
“Don’t you ‘Manager-san’ me right now!” Ijichi Seika said as she hurriedly shared her umbrella with Hitori. “What are you even doing here?”
Hitori didn’t answer, averting her gaze from Seika. Telling her she was trying (and failing) to sell tickets for a performance at her live house would just be a recipe for disaster. Hitori can’t imagine how Seika would react seeing how useless she was at serious band work. It was like she was offending both Starry and its owner with her sheer incompetence.
“Y’know what? Let’s worry about that later, come with me.”
Seika grabbed Hitori’s wrist and pulled her close before walking in the direction of Starry. Hitori had no energy to resist Seika’s firm grip on her. She didn’t know why she was being dragged to Starry. Thousands of scenarios played in her head, all of them ending with Seika being disappointed in her.
All of which, Hitori thinks, is completely justified.
“Big sis? I didn’t think you would come back so soo- Bocchi-chan?!”
Ijichi Nijika watched as Seika walked in with Hitori in tow. Many questions flooded her mind as she placed aside the laundry she was folding to check on the two. Hitori was soaked from the rain, her messy bangs completely covering her blue eyes.
“I saw her squatting under some stairs looking very moody,” Seika said, releasing her grip on Hitori. “Get her some clean clothes and a warm bath, she needs it. I’ll go get the groceries now.”
Before Nijika could even respond, Seika had already shut the door and left, leaving Nijika and Hitori standing awkwardly in the corridor.
“Come on Bocchi-chan, let’s get you cleaned up,” Nijika said as she gently nudged Hitori towards the bathroom. It was only then that Nijika noticed the guitar case on Hitori’s back, “Why did you bring your guitar? There’s no band practice today.”
“Oh, um… I-I just wanted to take it to a shop here I heard could fix the peg!” Hitori lied as naturally as she breathed.
“I see….” Nijika knew Hitori wasn’t telling the truth, she had known her long enough to understand how she thinks. It also helped that she’d stayed in Shimokitazawa long enough to know there wasn’t a guitar shop here. She brushed that thought aside for now as she led Hitori to the bathroom. “Toss out your clothes so I can put them in the dryer, I’ll lend you some of mine.”
“A-ah uh, i-is that really okay?” Hitori asked, putting her guitar case aside. Only ever wearing her pink tracksuit and plain clothing, Hitori felt uneasy wearing clothes from a typical high school girl like Nijika’s. She didn’t want to taint her pretty clothes with the scent of a musty closet.
“It’s fine! I got plenty of spare clothes, now go get cleaned up!” Nijika nudged Hitori into the bathroom before shutting the door. As she made her way back to the living room, her mind began wondering why Hitori was hiding something from her. Maybe she wanted to practice in the studio? Seika would’ve been more than willing to let her rent the studio for free. But Nijika recalled her sister mentioning Hitori ‘looking moody’ under some stairs. Did something happen to her? She’d ask Hitori but she already knew she would just be met with another lie. Wanting to confirm her suspicions, Nijika opened up Hitori’s guitar case. Sure enough, the pegs weren’t broken. Nijika sighed, growing more concerned for her dear friend.
Just what are you hiding Bocchi-chan?
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the sound of the bathroom door quickly opening and closing. Nijika turned her head and was met with a pile of damp clothes lying outside the door. The speed at which Hitori did all that and barely made her presence known took even Nijika by surprise. She gets the impression that she does this a lot even at home. Heading over to pick up the clothes, Nijika spots Hitori’s signature pink tracksuit, easily recognized amongst the rest of her clothing strewed over the floor. Nijika wondered for a moment where Hitori even got this tracksuit from.
Not from Buniclo or Shibuya 108, that’s for sure.
As Nijika picked up the jacket, hoping to find a tag that would reveal its origins, five pieces of paper slipped out from one of the pockets.
Nijika immediately recognized what those papers were.
Hitori stood in contemplative silence as she felt the rush of hot water flow down her face and body. Her mind entered into a trance as her worries washed away for only a brief moment. Every day, a hot shower was Hitori’s moment of respite from the struggles of societal expectations, helping her process her thoughts without the pressure of socializing breathing down on her. Besides her closet, this was the only other place she could truly be with herself. No worries plagued Hitori’s mind when she was there, the sound of water the only thing accompanying this weary soul.
But, as with all good things, Hitori had to return to reality eventually. As much as she enjoyed hot showers, she wouldn’t want to scald herself from it. Plus, her fingers wrinkling from prolonged water exposure made playing the guitar difficult. Returning to her senses, Hitori turned off the shower and stepped out of it. As she started drying herself with a towel she found, Hitori noticed something in the corner of the room. Lying neatly on a stool were some fresh clothes and a handwritten note on top of it.
Some fresh clothes for you, let me know if the size doesn’t fit you!
Hitori didn’t know when exactly Nijika had entered and left the clothes. Either Nijika was very quiet or Hitori lacked all spatial awareness when in the shower. Both possibilities slightly unnerved her.
Picking up the beige sweatshirt Nijika provided, Hitori couldn’t help but admire the cute cartoon duck printed on it. She had noticed Nijika‘s fixation on them but had never asked why.
When she was done getting dressed, Hitori opened the bathroom door and stepped out. Nijika, who had been sitting in the corridor browsing her phone, was quick on her feet when she noticed Hitori.
“Hehe, you look really cute in that shirt Bocchi-chan!” Nijika teased. “Is the size alright for you?”
“A-ah, um… yeah,” Hitori answered. While she was fine with the overall size of the shirt, one major issue had cropped up. One that as much as she wanted to inform Nijika, she would rather take with her to the grave.
The area around her chest was too tight.
You’re perfect just the way you are, Nijika-chan!
“That’s good to hear!” Nijika said, oblivious to her friend’s proportional plight. “Come over here, let me comb your hair!”
Before Hitori could even respond, Nijika was pushing her towards the living room. Leading her to the couch, Nijika seated Hitori down, pulled out a comb from her pocket and began combing. Hitori was at first hesitant over the sudden physical contact with another person, but the feeling of Nijika’s fingers running through her pink hair slowly put her mind at ease.
The gentleness of Nijika’s every brush made Hitori reminisce on simpler times, a fleeting moment in her life that felt so distant now. Hitori was reminded when her mother would also brush her hair when she was just a child. She could faintly recall the smile her mother had as she helped her daughter get ready for her first day of kindergarten. Turning her head to look at Nijika, she was met with warm vermillion eyes and a loving smile.
The love Hitori once felt from a time long past, had returned to her as if it had never left.
“You have very pretty hair, Bocchi-chan,” Nijika commented. “You really should take care of it better.”
Hitori couldn’t refute that statement. She wasn’t one for taking care of her appearance (as if anyone even noticed her in the first place to even care). Not wanting to respond to Nijika’s comment, Hitori’s eyes wandered to whatever was around the living room: stacks of boxes piled in a corner, several potted plants, the checkered rug in the center of the living room with a coffee table that had five tickets neatly arranged on top of-
….
Five….
…. tickets.
Hitori felt her heart sink. Nijika had found the unsold tickets. Despite arranging it for Hitori to see, Nijika wasn’t even bringing it up. A million scenarios overwhelmed Hitori’s mind, was Nijika angry? Was she hiding her disappointment with a caring facade? The more she thought about it, the more nervous she became, her fingers twitched and her lips curled tightly as she braced herself for whenever Nijika would strike her with vitriol over her incompetence.
“There! All done~” Nijika exclaimed, satisfied with her handiwork. “You already look much cuter than you already are Bocchi-chan!”
Nijika expected a shy response from Hitori regarding her hair but was only met with silence. She thought Hitori was daydreaming in her own world again when her soft voice asked a question.
“You’re not angry….?”
“Huh? About what?”
“T-the tickets…..” Hitori pointed towards the coffee table, her hand slightly shaking out of fear.
“Oh, that? Good thing I removed them from your pocket, it could’ve been soaked in the washing machine!” Nijika said as if remembering a past incident. “I assume you were trying to sell your tickets in Shimokita? Don’t think you’ll have much luck with tha-“
“….why?”
Nijika tilted her head in confusion. “Why what?”
“Why aren’t you angry….?” Hitori asked, her voice shaky and exasperated. “Shouldn’t you be mad at me for not being able to sell these tickets this close to our performance?!”
“Bocchi-chan it’s fine. If you want, I can even talk to big sis about-“
“IT'S NOT FINE!!”
Nijika jolted in shock, taken aback by Hitori’s outburst.
“I-I can’t even sell some tickets by myself without struggling! Y-y-you, Kita-chan and Ryo-san always had no issues. Meanwhile, I’m here dragging all of Kessoku Band down with my incompetence!” Hitori hung her head in shame, her burden pushing her ever closer to the ground. “I don’t deserve to be in this band…. I don’t deserve to be here….. I don’t deserve y-”
Hitori was interrupted when a pair of arms enveloped her. She barely had time to look up to see Nijika standing in front of her before she was pulled tightly into an embrace.
“It’s okay, Hitori, it’s okay….”
As Nijika gently stroked Hitori’s hair, the warmness of her body overwhelmed the emotional Hitori. Unable to hold back her feelings any longer, the floodgates of her eyes burst as tears cascaded down her face. Though her wails were soft and weak, the pins and needles in her heart were extreme.
The two stayed in each other’s embrace for what felt like an eternity. Hitori at some point had stopped crying, only breaking the silence with the occasional sniffle. Nijika remained silent, softly patting Hitori’s back as an uneasy thought crossed her mind. She had been more than willing to help Hitori sell tickets if she asked, but she never did. Did she unintentionally place pressure on Hitori to deliver and cause her to suffer like this? Did she give her the wrong impression as the leader of Kessoku Band? Her feelings of self-doubt were interrupted when Hitori let go of her and began wiping her eyes.
“I’m sorry…..” she muttered, her face red and swollen from crying. “….I’m such a useless guitarist.”
“Please don’t say that,” Nijika said, pressing her hand on Hitori’s face. “I’m the one who should be apologizing.” Hitori’s glistening sapphire blue eyes reflected a Nijika trying her best to stay strong for her friends despite carrying the responsibilities and burdens expected of a band leader. She should be the one crying for failing Hitori. “I’m such a bad leader…”
“But Nijika-chan is amazing though…”
Nijika’s head perked up.
“You’re always so cheerful and motivating, your drumming is amazing, you always make everyone happy,” Hitori lowered her head, fidgeting as she twiddled her fingers trying to find the words to say.
“You…. always make me happy.”
Nijika stared blankly, processing the last part of Hitori’s sentence several times in her head. Her mother once told her that she should always take a gamble that love exists and do a loving act. It was an ideal she had lived by as a means of remembering her. Not until now had she considered how much of an effect her kindness had had on others. Hearing Hitori say it, she couldn’t help but feel a warmth in her chest.
You really say the darndest things Bocchi-chan….
“Say, Bocchi-chan, I got an idea.”
Hitori lifted her head, and before she could even respond, Nijika dashed into another room, returning shortly after with her wallet in hand. She hastily opened it, pulled out 1,500 Yen, the cost of a ticket, and presented it to Hitori. Realizing what Nijika was trying to do, Hitori’s eyes widened.
“Ni-Nijika-chan?! You want to buy a ticket?!”
“I do."
“Bu-but why?”
“As leader of Kessoku Band, I want to help my bandmates however I can,” Nijika sternly answered.
Hitori’s eyes darted back and forth between the money and the tickets on the table as if considering the option. After much deliberation, however, Hitori brought up some very important questions.
“U-uh, aren’t the tickets meant for audiences and not band members? Don’t we lose money with one less sold….?
Nijika stared blankly at Hitori, blinking several times as she processed Hitori’s words.
“Ah,” she uttered, mentally kicking herself for not noticing the issue much sooner. As she racked her brain trying to come up with a solution, Nijika’s selfishness kicked in. She walked over to Hitori’s guitar case and picked it up.
“Then, consider this a private performance,” she said as she handed the case to Hitori. “A special solo act from Kessoku Band’s lead guitarist!”
“....You just wanted to hear me play didn’t you?”
Nijika gulped, her deception had been exposed. “Was I that easy to read? I can help resell the ticket another time but….” she clasped her hands and lowered her head. “...I really want to hear guitarhero perform!”
Hitori giggled, the first Nijika had ever seen. She opened and removed the guitar from the case, readying herself to play. “If it’s for Nijika-chan, I’ll do it.”
Nijika felt relieved seeing Hitori’s mood change. Seeing her warm smile as she held tightly to the guitar she so dearly cherished, she wanted Hitori to always smile, she never wanted to see her cry again, not on her watch. Sitting next to Hitori and handing her the money, Nijika requested a song, one she held dear to her heart: a song she had written for Kessoku Band but had yet to play in front of a crowd. Ironically, she would be the first to hear her own song be performed.
Hitori on the other hand, felt an emotional weight lifted off her shoulders as she closed her eyes to focus. A few hours ago, she felt like the world was pressed against her and the five tickets she held would be the bane of her misery. Now, she only held four. Small progress, but progress nonetheless. Hitori's train of thought was interrupted when she felt something pressed on her shoulder. Opening her eyes, she saw Nijika leaning against her, her eyes closed and a soothing smile on her face as she waited for the guitarist to begin. A single thought ran through Hitori’s mind as she gazed at the blonde girl by her side.
Perhaps… things will be okay.
The first few notes echoed through the living room, it was soon accompanied by a soft, heartfelt voice.
“What’s wrong with endlessly ringing? What’s wrong with being young~”