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Tav was aware of Astarion’s personality, and how he wasn’t quite used to relaxing, especially when other people were involved. This time, though, he had gone too far.
The drow noticed the sudden coldness instantly. Typically, Astarion lit up with a smile when he spotted him, but for the past few days, he had been avoiding eye contact entirely. Tav had hoped that it would blow over, that he could reassure his love with a few gifts and some quality time, but he had avoided even those. Tav knew that this time was different– this time, it hurt– and he wasn’t going to allow it to happen. He wasn’t going to allow him to push everyone away because he thinks it’s for the best.
Tav approached Astarion’s tent as the rest of the party had begun settling down for rest. He knew they’d be undisturbed while everyone else was trying to rest, as their comrades valued their personal time. The wavy haired man was sitting on his bedroll, fiddling with an amulet that Tav had found and given to him. As soon as he sensed the elf’s presence, he put it away and sat up straight.
Their eyes met, and it was still and tense for a moment.
“Can we talk?” Tav asked, breaking the silence.
The vampire’s red eyes glanced at the floor for a moment, as if he was considering denying the offer.
“Sure,” Astarion answered, his tone flatter than usual. “Come in.”
Tav smiled softly and walked over to him, taking a seat at a comfortable distance. He couldn’t help but smile, picking up on one of Astarion’s little habits– he always invited Tav inside, even when he didn’t need to. He figured it was because of his vampirism. Tav settled down, looking at rogue before speaking. He seemed tense, but that was to be expected.
“So… I noticed that you’ve been avoiding me,” Tav began.
Astarion looked away.
“Right…”
“I just wanted to clear up why,” Tav continued. “I know you aren’t… the most affectionate or open guy around, but I like you, Aster.”
Astarion furrowed his brow at the sound of the affectionate nickname. Tav leaned closer, becoming concerned.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
Astarion inhaled deeply, turning his face away. He refused to look at the drow in front of him.
“I, um…” Astarion began, his voice strained. “I’m sorry.”
Tav gave a warm smile and gently took Astarion’s hand.
“It’s okay, Aster. I’m not upset. I just want to make sure you’re doing alright,” he assured softly, his thumb lightly grazing over the back of the vampire’s hand. Despite the tenderness of Tav’s voice and actions, Astarion only got more upset. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes tight. Tav felt a pang of concern in his chest and shifted a bit closer. “Aster? What’s wrong?”
Astarion shook his head and pulled his hand away. Tav’s heart dropped, and suddenly he felt dizzy with anxiety.
“Did I say something wro–”
“What is wrong with you?” Astarion snapped, raising his voice in a way that was entirely unfamiliar to his companion. He had finally turned to look at him, his crimson eyes welling up with tears.
“I–...what?” Tav’s voice was soft, hardly a whisper. His eyes stung and he felt a lump form in his throat.
“Why aren’t you mad? Yelling? Why aren’t you leaving me? I’ve been so unkind to you! And you’re sitting here, holding my hand and telling me it’s okay? It’s not okay!”
Ah. That was it.
Tav took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself down from the initial fear from being yelled at. He knew that Astarion was just experiencing something new, and it scared him, regardless of the fact that it was good for him. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his emotions, venturing into his own mind for a moment. Astarion went silent, watching Tav try to calm his emotions, and he felt an intense guilt creep into his psyche. Voice breaking, he tried to speak up,
“Tav, I–”
Tav stopped him by holding up a hand. Normally, he would’ve hated being stopped in such a way, but he didn’t dare defy his love at this moment. He had already crossed a line– he scared him, he yelled at him for something that wasn’t even an offense, and he hated seeing him on the verge of tears. Especially when it was his fault.
Tav took a few more seconds– agonizing seconds– to calm himself before he opened his eyes and spoke again.
“Should we discuss this later? When you’re calmer,” he offered, his voice as calm as ever.
Astarion simply stared. He didn’t know what else to do; he hadn’t been prepared for this, for kindness. He’d never…
By the hells. He’d never experienced it, had he? Not to this degree.
Astarion broke– he let out a choked sob and placed a hand over his mouth to stifle the next, closing his eyes so tight he saw spots, trying to keep the tears from falling.
“Oh, Aster…” Tav soothed. “Can I hug–”
Without letting the drow finish, Astarion threw himself onto Tav, burying his face in his shoulder. The drow instantly wrapped his arms around him, holding him close and petting his head, trying to soothe him. They held onto each other like it was the last time they’d ever do it. Astarion was shaking as Tav held him like he’d never held him before. It was different this time– it was pure, it was innate. It was right.
“I’ve got you, love,” Tav cooed, his voice low and sweet.
Sobs wracked Astarion’s body as he lay pathetically in Tav’s arms, crying harder than he had in decades. He’d nearly forgotten that it was something he could do, crying. It was relief, pain, nostalgia; it was grief for time wasted, time spent merely surviving, half-way living, not truly experiencing the blasted eternity he’d been cursed with. Perhaps dust was falling from his tear ducts as well– it had been long enough. It had been longer, he felt, since he had experienced the warmth of being so close to someone. Well, he had certainly been close to people; but none of them were like this. None of them held him so tightly, pressed so close to him. None of them gently ran their fingers through his hair as they spoke to him in such a soft, loving way. Though their hands desecrated his body, they had not touched his soul– not like Tav had.
Astarion sniffled and pressed his face against Tav’s neck, gently nosing his skin, wishing he could merge with his being. He was beginning to catch his breath, which made Tav relax against him.
“Feeling better?”
“My head is killing me,” Astarion whined, which made Tav chuckle.
“It’ll do that.”
Tav leaned his head against Astarion’s, and to this emotionally-stunted vampire, it should’ve been a cure for all ails. His heart was happy, but his head was still pounding.
“I need a drink,” Astarion muttered.
“No, you don’t,” Tav scolded, moving away and taking hold of Astarion’s face, cradling it in his hands. “You can do this.”
Astarion felt his eyes well up again and he groaned. He had never been encouraged like that, only beaten down.
“*Stop that*,” he demanded, his tone annoyed despite the smile that was growing on his face.
Tav laughed softly and gently wiped his tears away, leaning close and gently kissing his forehead and nose. Astarion closed his eyes, soaking in the wholesome touch. Tav pressed their foreheads together, and they sat like that for a moment, basking in each other’s presences.
After a pause, Astarion inhaled and spoke,
“I am truly sorry, though.”
“I forgive you. Just don’t do it again.”
“I won’t,” Astarion promised, taking one of Tav’s hands in his own.
“We can talk about it, if you want?”
“No,” the vampire pleaded with a chuckle. “Not tonight. I’m not used to the entire… emotional vulnerability thing.”
Tav couldn’t help but smile at the way Astarion sounded absolutely revolted by the idea of being vulnerable. It hurt him to know why he was that way, but he was so proud of him for even acknowledging it. He was trying.
“Alright,” Tav agreed. “That’s all for tonight then. Let’s just rest.”
“Oh, please.”
They settled next to each other on Astarion’s bedroll, shifting until they were pressed flush and comfortable against each other. Tav lightly rubbed Astarion’s back, comforting him as the aftermath of his strong emotions began to wash away. They lied there in blissful silence for a moment, ready to let sleep take them, before Tav broke it, just for a moment,
“Aster?”
“Yes, dear?”
“You did great. I’m so proud of you.”
“I’m going to slit your throat in your sleep if you don’t stop saying things like that.”
Tav laughed. Astarion was stubborn and harsh, but the drow wouldn’t change him for the world. It was enough.
He was enough.