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Jesse was tired of cooking meth all day, he needed a vacation. And fast. He decided to ask Walter if he wanted to join him, cause his friends were at rehab.
“Yo Mr.White do you wanna go on vacation with me? I’m going to Seattle to see where my favorite tv show, Icarly, takes place.”
“Jesse we can’t go on vacation we have to make meth for Gus. Also what in the world is an iCarly”
“It’s the best thing ever made Mr. White my favorite character is Gibby, let’s go watch an episode we need to cool down after today’s hard work.”
They watched the episode with the infamous Nora, ipsycho, Jesse cheered and clapped when Gibby busted the door down and saved his friends from her evil clutches.
“Wasn’t that great Mr. White”
“What the fuck did I just watch? Is this not a show for 9 year old girls?”
“Stop making fun of me Mr. White! You’re such an old bitter boomer man, you just don’t get the humor cause you’re old. Anyway I’m going to Seattle whether you like it or not to see the real life iCarly apartment”
Walter thought he might as well just go with Jesse because when he gets in trouble he doesn’t want to get in trouble alone. It’s the entire classes fault.
They took a plane and landed in Spokane because it was cheaper. They planned to take an uber to Seattle. When they got in the uber they noticed it was taking a really long time. Like 7 hours.
“Um,” Jesse said, “I thought Seattle was closer than this.”
The uber driver got really mad.
“GET OUT OF MY CAR YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECES OF SHIT”
He then threw them out of the car. Unfortunately neither of them brought a gun, or any meth to bribe this man with. As Jesse was going clean. Stupid idea.
They were hungry after all that driving so they decided to stop by a McDonald’s and get some cheap food. When they went inside they saw a very pale man with light brown hair. The strange man seemed to be eyeing Jesse, drooling.
“Damn bro,“ Jesse confronted the man, “Are you a homosexual? Cause I’m a half” He winked.
“Uh, yeah.” The man replied, “Let’s go to the bathroom and get some stuff done.”
“Score!” Jesse yelled.
“Wait,” Walter said, “Jesse you idiot, are you really about to follow this random stranger alone to the bathroom?”
“Yeah, he’s hot as fuck bro, I’m getting laid.”
Just as they were talking the door to the gender neutral McDonald’s bathroom opened and a woman with pale skin and brown hair same thing came out.
“Um,” she asked, “What are you doing Edward? Are you cheating on me? That’s it! I’m going to Jacob’s house!”
She ran out crying.
“Oh shit bro I didn’t know you were taken, but I guess now you’re not.”
The man got aggravated and pulled Jesse into the bathroom.
As they got into the bathroom Jesse’s phone started going off, and he answered it before the scary man could sink his teeth into his flesh. He stopped because he didn’t want to be heard through the phonecall.
“I know where you and Walter are, I am coming to get you, we need to make meth and there will be consequences.”
“Haha, I bet you don’t even actually know where we are bro.”
“You’re at a McDonald’s in Forks, Washington”
“Ohh so that’s where we are. Cool”
“I will be there soon you incompetent fool.”
Jesse hung up, but before Edward could feast, the door opened again and it was Walter.
“Jesse we need to get out of here and destroy our phones. Gus is literally going to kill me, but not you because he likes you for some reason.”
“Oh yeah I just got that phone call right now dude”
Edward got an idea. “I have somewhere you guys can hide, follow me”
“Ok!” Jesse said. “Thanks man”
“Jesse are you sure this is a good idea?” Walter asked.
“Stop being such an old loser man”
“Yeah,” Edward agreed, “get on my back.”
“Excuse me?” Walter asked.
“Just trust me on this one ok?”
“I’ll trust you dude” Jesse said, already on his back. Walter sighed and grabbed on too, not being able to leave Jesse’s side.
All of the sudden they felt the crisp Washington air slap against their face at 100mph. Damn this dude was like the flash or something. That’s hella tight.
They ended up at this big log cabin in the middle of nowhere. They took in their surroundings and Walter noticed a bunch of shirtless brown men with long hair.
“What the fuck is this Jesse?”
“Don’t ask me Mr. White it was him who brought us here.”
“Jacob!” the strange man in question yelled. He went behind Jesse and Walter. “I’m here to take my Bella back!”
“It’s too late idiot, she doesn’t want you anymore! After she had sex with me she can’t go back to white boys ever again. That’s what she told me.”
“Oh shit it’s going down!” Jesse yelled.
“Who even are these people?” Jacob asked.
“My new friends, my new human friends. Just so you know, if you won’t give me Bella back we’re gonna have to fight, but my friends will be fighting too.”
“Ummm who said that?” Jesse asked.
“Jesse this is exactly why I didn’t wanna go with this freak. Now he wants us to fight a bunch of indians”
“That’s an insensitive term Walter. You say indigenous or native american you stupid old man”
Just as they were talking a bunch of black vans pulled up. Walter and Jesse were too distracted and forgot to get rid of their phones.
Gus steps out of the van and clears his throat. They instantly know it’s him before they even see him.
“Oh shit.” Jesse said.
“How the fuck did you guys even get here so fast?” Walter asked
“Drug money buys you private jets Mr. White”
“Those are drug dealers?” Jacob asked, “Get the fuck off our rez you pieces of shit.”
Gus pulled a gun out of his pocket. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that again young man.”
“That’s it” Edward said, “We’re fighting” he revealed his fangs and started attacking Jacob. So Jacob and the pack wolfed out.
“Whatever this freakshow is, it’s not my problem. Now let’s get back to Albuquerque” Gus said, going to retrieve Jesse and Walter. Before he could, Edward grabbed the two and threw them in front of Jacob and the pack.
“Holy shit!” Jesse screamed, but the wolf stopped in front of him.
“This is a new low, even for you Edward” the wolf said.
“Holy shit you guys can still talk like that????”
Suddenly gunshots were aimed towards Edward. Gus still had his gun and was very annoyed at all this delay.
Edward, somehow already down and defeated at this 30 seconds of conflict sighed.
“That’s it, I’m not not doing this anymore, I’m done pretending” The vampire said, “I don’t want Bella, I want you Jacob. All this suppression has been killing me. I’ll just make up any excuse I can to pretend it’s not true.”
Jacob unwolfed. “Edward… I feel the same”
The two started making out as the rest of the pack watched in horror.
Jesse and Walter slowly stepped back and went to Gus’ vehicle, thinking whatever awaited them back home could never be as insane as this.