Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandoms:
Relationship:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2023-10-13
Words:
1,070
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
13
Kudos:
250
Bookmarks:
36
Hits:
2,094

BatRules

Summary:

The full list of rules the Bat Family has, for both their civilian lives and their night lives.

It gets a little out of hand. Just a little.

Notes:

For your reference:
A.P. = Alfred
B.W. = Bruce
D.G. = Dick
C. = Cass
J.T. = Jason
T.D.W/T.D.= Tim
S.B.= Steph
D.T.= Duke
D.W.= Damian

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

  1. No tampering with any of the coffee machines. —A.P.
  2. Master Tim is to be limited to a maximum of two shots of caffeine every 24 hours. —A.P.
  3. ‘Dealing with Damian’ is not a valid excuse to ignore the above limit. —B.W.
  4. Only regular-strength coffee is to be kept in the Manor at any time. —B.W.
  5. Not even after off-planet missions? —T.D.W.
  6. ‘At any time’ includes after off-planet missions, Tim. —B.W.
  7. No speedsters and/or Kryptonians are to bring in any as an ‘emergency supply’ —B.W.
  8. Master Bruce is banned from having any coffee at or after 12 a.m. —A.P.
  9. Not even decaf? —B.W.
  10. Why would you even bother drinking coffee then? —T.D.W.
  11. Mayonnaise is not to be put on hamsters. —T.D.
  12. Lucius has threatened to quit if it happened again and he sees it. —T.D.
  13. Rule 11 applies to non-Family members too. —B.W.
  14. Master Jason is not to bring any guns into the Manor. —A.P.
  15. Not even the rubber bullets one? —J.T.
  16. Especially not that one. —A.P.
  17. Hugs are mandatory. —D.G.
    1. Proposed revision: Hugs are recommended. —D.W.
    2. Proposed revision: rejected. — D.G.
  18. Glitter is to be kept and used only in designated areas. —A.P.
  19. The ballroom is not a designated area. —A.P.
  20. Neither is the kitchen. —A.P.
  21. Vigilante uniforms are not to be worn nor taken into the Manor. —A.P.
  22. I am not allergic to emotions. —B.W.
    1. Proposed revision: Bruce is allergic to emotions. —J.T.
    2. Proposed revision: rejected. —B.W.
  23. Nor am I emotionally constipated. —B.W.
  24. Green hair dye is banned from the Manor. —D.G.
  25. In all shades but especially neon. —D.G.
  26. Excluding Bruce, attendance at galas isn’t mandatory. —C.
  27. Except for the annual Wayne Foundation one, attendance at that one is mandatory for everyone. —B.W.
  28. For every missed gala, you must make one (1) public appearance in that same month. —B.W.
  29. A ‘public appearance’ does not include a trip to Walmart. —B.W.
  30. No more murder attempts, Damian —T.D.W
    1. Proposed revision: Murder attempts are allowed on Drake. —D.W.
    2. Proposed revision: rejected. —T.D.W.
  31. No poison is to be put in hot chocolate. —A.P.
  32. Why does that even have to be a rule?? —D.T.
  33. Dick is to be kept away from any and all redheads. —J.T.
  34. Including the one that he is currently dating. —D.W.
  35. Whenever I ask any of you to bring me one of the spare Batsuits, I never mean the rainbow one. —B.W.
  36. It’s Vigilante Bingo not Trauma Bingo. Stop being so concerning. —D.T.
  37. If you’re up before 8 a.m. and you wake someone else up, you have to take their worst patrol shift. —T.D.W.
  38. Only Alfred and Jason are allowed to actually make anything in the kitchen. —B.W.
  39. Shower as soon as you get back from patrol. —A.P.
  40. Just because you got cuddle pollen’d, doesn’t mean the whole family needs to be. —S.B.
  41. Richard is not allowed to pick the movie for Movie Night. —D.W.
  42. Unless Movie Night falls on the 29th night of February. —D.W.
  43. Everyone has to clean their own rooms, do not make Alfred do it. He already has enough to do —B.W.
  44. No going into each other's rooms without permission or a valid reason. —B.W.
  45. ‘For a prank war’ is not a valid reason. —B.W.
  46. Rule 44 especially applies when the person is sleeping, Damian. —T.D.W.
  47. A minimum of three people have to go with Alfred to do the grocery shopping. —B.W.
  48. The BatComputer is multi-million dollar equipment and is not to be used to watch movies. —B.W.
  49. No tie-dying your siblings, or their clothing, three hours before a gala. —B.W.
  50. No using books as balance beams. —J.T.
  51. Looking at you, Dick. —J.T.
  52. No going to Jason for help with math; you must come to me. —D.G.
  53. Ladies do not start prank wars, but they can finish them. —S.B.
  54. So beware :)  —C.
  55. Stop doing monumental things in the hallway because I don't need to see that. —D.T.
  56. Remember: I have POWERS. —D.T.
  57. No stealing Damian's art supplies. —D.W.
  58. If you do, I will disembowel you. —D.W.
  59. Master Damian, no disembowelling your siblings. —A.P.
  60. Cookies are to be eaten before dinner ^-^ —C. 
  61. Cookies are not to be eaten before dinner, unless one is recovering from a life-threatening injury. —A.P. 
  62. Does that mean I can eat cookies before dinner since I lost my spleen? —T.D.
  63. YOU LOST YOUR SPLEEN????????? D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: —D.G.
  64. Seconding. —S.B.
  65. Thirding ^-^ —C.
  66. Tt, of course, you have lost a major organ and failed to tell anyone. —D.W.
  67. I will disembowel more of you if you touch my art supplies. —D.W.
  68. Damian, you can't take more of Tim’s organs. He can't regrow them. —B.W.
  69. He can if it's his liver —J.T.
  70. Damian, you should take out part of Tim's liver so he can regrow it and then sell it on the black market and get rich. —S.B. 
  71. He's already rich, though. *raised eyebrow* —D.G.
  72. Then he’ll get richer. —S.B.
  73. Are we all just ignoring how Tim doesn't have a spleen now? —D.T.
  74. That's how things work here. —J.T.
  75. Bedtime for anyone under 16 is 10 p.m. on non-patrol nights; and 2 a.m. on patrol nights. —B.W.
  76. 12? —D.W.
  77. 10. —B.W.
  78. 11? —D.W.
  79. 10.30. That’s final. Or you have to take Condiment King next time he makes trouble. —B.W.
  80. Tt. Fine. I will accept 10.30 p.m. —D.W.
  81. Toasters are not to be taken out of the kitchen. —A.P.
  82. ‘For science’ is not a good nor valid reason, Master Tim. —A.P.
  83. No dye is to be put into the pool. —B.W.
  84. Just because we have the money to replace the tiles afterwards, doesn’t mean you should do it. —B.W.
  85. No climbing on the Tyrannosaurus rex statue in the Cave. —D.W.
  86. Pizza-store pizza is only to be brought into the Cave under specific circumstances. —A.P.
  87. If pizza-store pizza has to be brought into the Cave, please use a napkin. —A.P.

Notes:

I've wanted to do this sort of fic ever since I first got into this fandom four years ago, so I'm glad I finally could!

There are a couple of easter eggs sprinkled throughout. Anyone spot them?