Chapter Text
Inej had told him it could be good. A good step in the right direction.
And Kaz believed that. He did.
But the prospect of hugging someone, about wrapping his body around someone else’s — no matter who that someone ended up being — was terrifying.
So he put it off, and put it off, and put it off.
“He’d love it,” Inej had told him the night before. “And if you can do it to me sometimes, you could do it to him once.”
Kaz had nodded, then shaken his head. “No. No, that’s different —“
“— how is it different? No, really. Tell me how it’s different.”
“…I…I know you. I mean, I know what you feel like. It’s different,” he’d insisted.
“And how will you ever know what he feels like if you don’t even try?”
That had stumped Kaz. But only for a moment. “Maybe I don’t need to ever know,” he suggested. “I haven’t known this whole time. What if I never do?”
“Don’t punish yourself,” she’d scolded.
“I’m not —!”
“— you’re allowed to watch to touch your best friend,” she’d interrupted him. “You’re allowed to want to hug Jes and know what he feels like. He's a good hugger, too,” she’d added.
Kaz had scowled at that. “And I’m a bad hugger. So —“
“— so you’ll balance each other out,” she’d said firmly. “It’ll be okay, if you want to try.”
Kaz had stared at her then, searching her eyes for any sign of teasing.
She wasn’t.
“It would be okay, if you wanted to try,” she’d repeated.
Kaz had continued to stare at her. Not searching anymore, just looking. “…okay,” he’d whispered, barely audible.
“Okay?” She’d perked up.
“Okay,” he’d agreed. “I’ll try. But if I puke all over him, don’t tell me —“
“— he’d forgive you,” she’d said confidently.
And somehow, that rang true enough that Kaz found himself wholeheartedly believing her.
Jesper would forgive him, even if he puked all over Jesper’s favorite shirt. He was just that kind of person.
And Kaz appreciated that.
Because it made his task a little less daunting.
He told Jesper the next day — before he could lose his nerve — that he needed to meet up with him to discuss something. Important, he’d wanted to add. Big, he’d wanted to mention. But he didn’t. He’d left it at that.
So when he showed up at the Van Eck mansion the next day, he hadn’t expected Jesper to do much more than let him in and crack some kind of joke about how Kaz was wearing a full coat at the height of summer.
But he hadn’t. He’d let him in, yes, but no joking had happened.
Kaz wondered if something might be wrong.
But he didn’t say anything, just limped into the parlor.
Jesper threw himself on the couch, a tangle of long limbs sprayed across the three cushions. “Is it serious?” He asked after he’d gotten settled, apparently noting that Kaz still stood over him. “You can sit,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
Kaz shook his head. “We need to be standing,” he managed.
Jesper cocked his head, stared for a moment, then launched himself off of the couch into his feet again. “Okay? What’s goin’ on, boss?”
Kaz gritted his teeth. What was going on? Was he really about to do this? “I. I,” he tried again, forcing the words past his lips. “Need. Want. Something. From you,” he nearly gasped out.
Jesper grinned warily. “Okay? And what might this elusive ‘something’ be?”
Kaz stared at him. This was a bad idea, part of him hissed. “I. I. I,” he snarled.
Jesper looked confused. Kaz couldn’t blame him. He was acting rather erratically.
“Have…trouble. With…” he began. Why was this so difficult?
“Speaking, apparently,” Jesper tried for a joke now.
Kaz tried not to glare. “I have trouble with touch. Skin to — skin —“ he choked out. “Is worse. It’s — bad —“ he really might puke already.
Jesper nodded slowly. “Yes. You wear gloves 24/7, and you keep a good distance from everyone. Gee, I hadn’t noticed.”
“Work with me here,” Kaz snapped, flexing his fingers around his cane head.
Jesper blinked. “If I don’t know what the problem is, I can’t do anything, work or otherwise.”
Kaz sighed. He was right, of course. Kaz hadn’t actually said anything that could be classified as coherent. “I’m trying — I’m working on — touching. People. Without gloves,” he said slowly. Maybe if he went at a snail’s pace this would come out faster.
“Okay?” Jesper questioned again. “And you want me to help you somehow?”
Now you’re getting it, Kaz thought desperately. “Yes. Kind of. I want — need — want to…hug. You,” he managed before his nerve completely wasted away.
Jesper, to his credit, looked surprised but not repulsed. “You want to hug me,” he clarified.
Kaz nodded once. Words were hard right now.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Jesper said brightly.
“I thought I just did,” Kaz retorted tiredly.
Jesper grinned over at him. “So you did,” he agreed. “How did you want to do this?”
The seriousness of the situation hit him in the face like a brick. If this went poorly, if something happened, if the waters rose too high…what would he do? To Jesper? With himself? Would this make or break the friendship they’d built through the years?
No, he decided. No, Jesper wouldn’t have any hard feelings about this. The only way this would snap anything would be if Kaz went too far.
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? Kaz always went too far. Well, maybe not always, but his first reaction tended to fall more in line with a feral animal than a civilized human being.
But Kaz wanted to do this. More than anything, in this moment, he wanted to hug his best friend.
“I don’t…know,” he admitted, eyeing Jesper for a reaction.
Jesper didn’t. React, that is. He just looked kindly at Kaz. “Have you hugged anyone before?”
“Yes!” he snarled, then bit his lip. There he went, turning everything into a fight. “I mean, yes. I’ve hugged before.”
“Who and when?” Jesper pressed.
Kaz stared at him. “Why is that important?” he said gruffly.
“I’d like to know,” Jesper said softly.
Kaz forced his shoulders down, demanded his raised hackles to fall. “My…brother. Over a decade ago. And…Inej. Two months ago.”
If that information helped or hindered anything Jesper thought, it didn’t show. He just nodded along.
“Okay. Good to know,” he said warmly. “Did you want to take your gloves off, or no?”
Kaz breathed harshly. “Off. I’d planned…for them to be…off.” He slipped his gloves off, a now practiced motion – when he was with Inej, at least. He tucked them into his pocket.
His hands shook now, and it looked far more apparent than when they’d been gloved.
He wondered if perhaps this was a terrible, terrible plan.
Of course it was, part of him snapped. What made him think this would be in any way a good –?
“-- gonna step toward you. Okay?”
Kaz nodded jerkily, his entire arms starting to shake by his side as well in anticipation.
Jesper took a careful step forward, closing the distance between them slowly.
Jesper narrated his movements at every point, something Kaz appreciated beyond belief.
“I’m gonna raise my left arm and put it around your shoulder. Okay?”
“Okay,” Kaz forced himself to say.
“Okay,” said Jesper, gently draping his arm around Kaz’s shoulder.
Kaz’s breath hitched as Jesper’s hand flattened against his back.
“Okay?” Jesper checked in.
Kaz inhaled deeply, trying to keep his cool. “Yes,” he said, his voice breaking at the end of the monosyllable.
“Sure?”
“I’m sure,” he said through gritted teeth.
“I’m gonna raise my right arm and wrap it around your waist. Okay?” Jesper continued.
Kaz forced himself to breathe out now. “Okay.”
Jesper’s chest still didn’t touch his, but his arms were around Kaz’s torso from what felt like every angle.
“Good?”
“Good,” Kaz agreed, raising his own arms ever so slowly to mimic Jesper’s arms.
“Can I press my chest against yours?” Jesper asked softly.
Kaz paused, monitoring every point where he touched Jesper’s body. It was all…okay. Fine, if anything. “Okay,” he said, his voice catching again. Could he maybe get a grip? he thought, annoyed at himself.
“Okay,” Jesper said, slowly pulling Kaz toward him.
The waters rose, but he forced himself to breathe. No actual skin touched actual skin, as far as he was aware. Jesper’s shirt was thinner than he’d have liked, but there was still Kaz’s thick shirt between them.
“Okay?” Jesper asked again, his hand slowly stroking Kaz’s shoulder blade.
Kaz almost shivered at the simple, kind touch. “Okay,” he said into Jesper’s shoulder, his voice muffled by it.
“Good,” Jesper said, and Kaz heard his voice catch just a little.
“I thought I was gonna vomit on you,” Kaz confessed, unsure why he was in the first place.
Jesper laughed. “If you had, I’d understand.”
“I still might,” he warned, the Harbor an ever present reminder that they couldn’t stay like this forever.
“I’d still understand,” Jesper told him firmly, squeezing him a little tighter.
Kaz suddenly wanted to cry. Why? There wasn’t anything particularly emotional happening right now.
Right?
Jesper’s hand stroked his shoulder blade again.
He felt sure he’d withstood the overwhelming urge to sob into Jesper’s shoulder until he abruptly realized that Jesper’s sleeve was damp.
“I’ve got you. I got you,” Jesper whispered.
“I know,” Kaz rasped.
And he did.