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Friedrich hated himself.
He hated himself. He hated the world. He hated Napola.
But the one thing he did not or could never imagine hating was Albrecht Stein. And that was the major cause of all his problems. From the moment he first met Albrecht he started to see the world differently. Sometimes Albrecht made him forget the school's harsh culture. And the moments with Albrecht weren't about survival. They were the rare moments of joy like he had never felt before. And it confused him making his head a mess as if there wasn't already enough for Friedrich to worry about. The reason he was worried was how he had felt something like this, that he now felt for Albrecht towards girls. Not many girls no but some. A couple. But all together girls. And only now after spending too much time within his own head Friedrich had come to realization that Albrecht in fact was a boy. Of course Friedrich had taken a notice on the fact that Albrecht was a boy. Obviously he knew, that don't you think he was stupid. But the reality, and the truth and the conclusion that Albrecht was indeed a boy became the core of the issue how Friedrich began to think about from his feelings. Some days he was disgusted. He wanted to crawl out of his own skin. He felt like he was being punished. He felt like he was damned and that there would be no way out of what he was experiencing. In the school they were told that what Friedrich experienced wasn't inborn but rather like a flu he had caught off from someone else. But Friedrich didn't entirely believe it since who he could have possibly gotten this complete change of morals and beliefs, attraction to what parted from females and particularly someone apart from girls. He simply did not think there was a scientific way to prove it and that there were no other or at least not much people like him. He had heard how they closed all the places where had been people like this, not people like him he refused to identify with the people that visited those places, but people different than the commonly accepted tradition. Who also experienced this attraction to other than only females. Or then they were females attracted to other females. But Friedrich did believe to how this attraction could be changed since he had never felt this before. And suddenly he was feeling all of the large scale of emotions that varied from the moment towards Albrecht, who was his friend, his classmate and fellow future elite in the academy. He cursed the day his feelings had taken this swift still asking, why him out of all the people? And why it could not be anyone but Albrecht. or anyone but a boy in general. Why it simply couldn't just be someone with long hair, skin soft as silk and dress made out of cotton and her long hair tied with ribbons. And Friedrich hated how previously it had been someone like that whom he felt all these feelings for.
The best choice considering the circumstances and the nature of the situation would have simply been to avoid Albrecht. But it all changed when Friedrich heard that Gauleiter Stein had drifted Albrecht to fight on the Eastern Front. After hearing the news Friedrich rushed to Albrecht, tasting blood in his mouth, adrenaline blocking anything rationalized from his mind and he opened the door.
"Friedrich?" Albrecht turned to him as he heard him enter the room with forceful opening of the door.
"You can't leave." Friedrich's voice had mixture of desperation and anger.
"What?" Visible confusion in Albrecht's face suprised Friedrich. He had thought that Albrecht would have known that Friedrich would rush to him and tell him how he can't leave, ask him to stay and tell him that if he couldn't stay he would follow Albrecht anywhere. Possibly even his own death. If Albrecht was sent to Eastern Front, Friedrich would follow him there if he could not make Albrecht to stay.
"What? What the hell are you asking what for? I told you that I knew you are being sent to Eastern Front and I am telling you that you can't leave." Friedrich yelled with his voice echoing in the empty room.
"Friedrich-", Albrecht began but it was no use and Friedrich continued:
"Say something!" He pushed Albrecht. His back hit the wall and the look in Albrecht's face didn't change, as he kept his eyes on the floor avoiding eye contact with Friedrich. Friedrich was frustrated how Albrecht simply tried to calm him down by calling his name and he did not care about the content of the following sentence Albrecht was going to say. Friedrich knew that Albrecht would only try to console him. But the only way he could do that, would be him telling Friedrich that he would stay.
But instead Albrecht didn't say anything. And that angered Friedrich even more.
"You fucking egoist!" Friedrich knew he did not mean it but at the same time he did. Partly he said it because of what had lead to Albrecht being expelled and called to the Eastern Front. But again Friedrich knew that the real reason to it lied in Gauleiter Heinrich Stein.
Friedrich now, more angry towards his own reaction that Albrecht's lack of response to his rather desperate pleads covered in anger and agression, gasped for air. He felt like he was choking. The room was cold and he felt shivers down his skin, partly because he was only inches away from Albrecht and he looked right into Albrecht's blue eyes. And again. All the feelings he had denied himself. All the feelings he refused to have or admit to have. All the feelings that should be saved for someone else. Were there again, right in the moment as he couldn't turn his eyes away from Albrecht.
"Friedrich. Can we talk, please?." Albrecht silently suggested after taking a notice how Friedrich seemed like he had calmed down. At least a little. Friedrich nodded carefully, his heart still racing and the phase of his breathing being fast.
"Just in a slightly more sophisticated way." Albrecht's lips curved into a small smile as he was able to turn the whole interaction into rather more optimistic direction.
Friedrich followed Albrecht back to the dorms where they were alone and Albrecht closed the door behind him. He looked like he always did even Friedrich could tell from the misery that did not leave Albrecht's eyes how he was aware of the fate waiting for him. Still Friedrich did not understand how he could be so calm. Albrecht had always been like that during the time they had known despite the inner conflict in Albrecht. You could have never told from the outside how Albrecht was battling between what he thought was right and the surrounding ideas and the expectations of his father. But Friedrich knew all this things. Because Albrecht had let him in.
Brilliant, kind, tortured and conflicted.
That's how Friedrich would have began to describe Albrecht. And he could have gone on for the whole day. And he would have. Expect he couldn't. And he hated himself for it. He hated himself for wanting to talk about every detail of Albrecht to anyone that was listening. He knew it was wrong and how he should condemn these thoughts he had and how unnatural they were. But again at the same time he did not feel that way. If they were unnatural and wrong, why would he feel all those things. Why would he feel attraction, admiration and attachment towards Albrecht he wasn't supposed to feel that way. And he was fine, he wasn't ill physically or mentally. He could not think of a reason why everything said from the kind of people that felt like he was now feeling. Who felt attraction to the same sex or maybe both of them or felt differently about sexes in general. Maybe it was not like what he had been told. But he knew it did not matter what he thought. And he wondered would it ever be seen in any other way than it was. But that wasn't his greatest concern right now.
"Friedrich I know you've heard the news. And I am sorry. I really am. And there's no way out of this and nothing that I could do-" Albrecht's words turned into a soundless wailing and Friedrich shook his head.
"I know. And I am sorry too. I-" Friedrich was debating what to say next. He knew that Albrecht would be damned. But in no world he was willing to admit that. Still it crossed his mind that now was the time to tell the truth to Albrecht about how he was feeling towards him and about him. It would be up to Albrecht to decide what he would want to do with the information. Friedrich knew the punishment if the truth would come out to everyone. But he also knew that it would not come out because of Albrecht. He could count on Albrecht with his life. And now he did not care did he live or die. All alternatives of what would happen next had the same outcome. He would have to live without Albrecht.
"I don't want you to leave. But if you will leave I will follow you. I will follow you to anywhere you go." Friedrich swallowed his pride in front of Albrecht. He was letting the words flow out of his mouth without further thoughts.
"But why?" Albrecht's voice was weak.
"Because- Because Albrecht. I am loyal to you. You alone and I will always remain loyal to you alone. You are my Fatherland. I would risk my life for yours if I had to do it. And I would die for you Albrecht. I would kill for you."
Albrecht lifted his eyes to Friedrich's and his gaze had changed. It was full of confusion, desperation and pure shock. It was like he was trying to decided what Friedrich meant by that statement and how should he interpret it.
"Because- Albrecht I love you. And I know I'm not supposed to. Not like the way I do. But I do." Friedrich felt like his feet would fail him and the weight of the world woud crush him as it fell on his shoulders.
"Friedrich."
"I love you too."