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Clay gave himself a final, exhausted sigh as he packed away all his important papers away into folders and drawers. He was finally done with all his work for the day. But for some reason today was a VERY hard one to get through and he felt so drained. In fact, it’s been a very hard few days to get through lately.
He just felt so tired but restless, he didn’t feel like eating, he didn’t want to leave his house, he didn’t want to talk to people…
And he just felt… so sad…
He rubbed his eyes in exhaustion and checked the time on the Bergen-sized clock across the room. 10 pm.
He guesses he should go to sleep but before he could even stand up, he heard a frantic knocking. He recognized that knock being Viva’s. Usually, rapid knocking at someone’s door was cause got for alarm but Clay had been here long enough to know rapid knocking such as Viva’s was just how she was.
“Come in, Viv.” Clay called. Almost immediately as he finished speaking, she let herself in.
“Hiiii, boo~!” Viva greeted, flashing her big smile at the green-haired troll. “How’s my bestest friend in the whole entire world today?”
“Whole entire world?”
“Yes!”
Clay laughed and got up to get himself ready for bed. “That’s nice to know. You need something?”
“Yes! We just finished dinner an hour ago and you didn’t come. Did you eat today?”
Clay stopped for a moment before shaking off the initial hesitation. “I had toast this morning.”
“ONLY toast? Did it have butter at least?”
“… No, Viv.”
Viva made a face as she watched her best friend clean up his work area. “What is up with you lately?”
“Nothing!” Clay answered a little too defensively.
“That’s not how someone who has ‘nothing going on with them’ would say that! Clay, you can talk to me! I’m your best friend! ¿Tú amiga?”
Clay looked at her, seeing the look of worry on her face. He hated when she worried. They met when she had gone through something traumatic that she never wanted to talk about again and since then, he’s tried to keep all stressful things away for her sake.
“Eres mi amiga, Viva. I’ve just… not been feeling it lately. It’ll pass.”
“Clay, it’s been a week and a half!”
“No it hasn’t, Viv.” Clay chuckled awkwardly.
“Oh yeah?” Viva said before reaching into her curly blonde hair. She took out a glittery pink diary and flipped to the latest diary entries. “Last week: ‘Clay has stopped eating’.”
Clay stared at her uncomfortably as she flipped to another page. “‘He lost all his energy’…”
Page flip. “‘He hasn’t left his house in hours’—“
Page flip. “‘He’—“
“Viva!!” Clay shouted so suddenly and loudly, Viva nearly dropped her book. She stared at him with wide eyes.
He immediately felt so bad. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, taking deep breaths and counting to himself. He’s been irritable a lot lately but he didn’t think he’d take it out on her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—“
“No, it’s okay…” Viva said quietly, putting the diary back into her hair. “I kept pushing… I’m a lot.”
“No, you’re just right…”
Viva visibly blushed at that and Clay cleared his throat. “Look— I… truth is I… um…”
Viva waited patiently. “Mhm…?”
“… I have been feeling… horrible lately… like, AWFUL.”
“Well, why didn’t you say anything…?”
Clay hesitated harder at that question. He looked away, playing with his wrist band anxiously. “I don’t know…”
“I think you do…”
He felt his eyes sting and a lump in his throat. Dammit, he hated crying in front of people!! He can’t cry! He isn’t allowed to cry!
But he couldn’t stop the dam from breaking and he covered his face to cry. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying—!”
“Nooo! No no no, babe!” Viva pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry if it’s too much to talk about, sweetheart…”
Clay didn’t hug back but he hid his face into her shoulder. He let her hold his head against her, petting his bright green hair.
Clay sniffled. “It’s not— it’s just— I—“
“Shhh… just give yourself some time… just breathe…”
He just kept crying as Viva pulled away to lead him to his bed. She sat him down and went to get him a cup of water. When she came back, she sat next to Clay as he took a few gulps and calmed down slowly. Viva then guided his head onto her shoulder. “You okay…?”
Cloy just shrugged.
“… You can tell me, Clay… I won’t judge you…”
“It’s just… hard…”
“Hard?”
“To talk about how I’m feeling…”
“Why…?”
Clay hesitated, playing with his wrist bands once more. Looking down at them, he saw small faded scars that healed a long while ago. He hated himself for doing such a thing to himself but it was his own outlet back then… or that’s what his brothers made him believe, at least…
“… You know I was part of BroZone, right…?”
“Yeah. You used to have cute neon yellow hair back then!” Viva ruffled his green hair, making him chuckle a little.
“Yeah. So… I was always seen as the ‘Fun Brother’, the one that cracks jokes and pulls pranks and makes everyone laugh… but… after awhile, I started to realize… that’s all people saw me as… I wouldn’t even be doing anything funny and people would laugh at me..”
“Oh… sweetie…”
“And it just felt so frustrating! I couldn’t do anything without people laughing at me and making jokes about me to each other!” Clay’s voice shook as he vented to Viva. Viva listened intently, caressing his head softly.
“… And then I slowly started to realize I… I’d have days where I’d feel overstimulated. I’d feel drained. I’d feel so so sad out of nowhere and I’d feel… hopeless…? And… and I didn’t talk about to anyone… especially not my brothers…”
Viva frowned. “Why…?”
“Cause I’m supposed to be the one to cheer people up. I’m the one people go to on a bad day to feel better… but me? I can’t have a bad day! I have to suck it up and make everyone laugh. If I don’t do that I—“ Clay’s voice cracked and he covered his eyes from her once again. “… I’m useless…”
“Ay, cariño, no…”
Clay then started crying all over again. “It was horrible, Viva… I felt so numb and… I…”
Viva waited patiently but the silence went on and on and on…
She held his hand. “It’s okay.”
“No…. me odiarás…”
“Clay…” Viva said, shocked at such a thought. “I could never… I’m here to help…”
Clay couldn’t look her in the eye as he mustered up the courage to confess. He didn’t want to say it, he really didn’t. But a voice inside him told him it’ll eat him from the inside if he didn’t.
“I-I— I hurt myself… like… cut myself…”
Viva’s eyes widened. “Why would you do such a thing…?”
“I don’t know… I didn’t wanna die… but the numbness and… everything… it just became too much… and I needed something to ‘help’ with it…” Clay then let out a bitter laugh. “Which is stupid now that I say out loud… It’s funny, so many articles and interviewers asked about a scar or two they saw on my wrists and I just said ‘it was probably a stupid kitchen accident’ or something stupid…”
Viva sighed, pulled away and cupped Clay’s face gently in her hands. “You know I love you, right…?”
“You only say it everyday…”
“And everyday it’s true. And I want you to know…” Viva’s voice wavered and her eyes began tearing up. “That will never change… and I don’t want you to feel like a burden for having feelings… I want you to know you’re safe with me… every time. Always. You should feel safe to talk about your feelings because they matter! Just as much as anyone else’s. So, please… just trust me… and come to me when you feel like this… I’d hate to lose you…”
No surprise, Clay started sobbing all over again. This time, he pulled Viva into a hug first. He buried his face into her neck as he let out all that pent up anger and fear and sadness. “Thank you, Viva… thank you thank you thank you thank you…”
Viv’s held him close and kissed his forehead. She let him cry for a long while before Clay finally felt tired. Only this time, he felt relieved. Like a massive weight was lifted off of him.
Viva got him cozy in bed before joining him. “You don’t mind if I—?”
“Not at all. I don’t really feel like being alone right now anyway.”
“Okay.” Viva smiled and wrapped her arms around his slim waist. Clay put an arm around her shoulders and sighed softly.
“Thank you, Viva… I can’t tell you how much I needed that… knowing someone would listen and that… they think my feelings matter…”
“I know your feelings matter. They always have.”
“Thank you, Viv…”
“No need to thank me. You can cry as much as you need to. I’ll be right here.”
Clay smiled. Viva nuzzled her head under his chin and closed her eyes. “And when you wake up, you’re eating something.”
“Whatever you say.”
“I’m making you french toast.”
“Aw, my favorite…” Clay said sleepily.
“I knowww that’s why I’m making iiiit~”
Clay giggled as he closed his eyes and let himself drift off…
He really felt lucky to have Viva in his life. She was sweet, considerate, always making sure everyone was okay. How he ended up becoming friends with such an amazing, beautiful, kind woman, he’ll never understand. She was so gorgeous, her messy, curly blonde hair was so pretty, her bangs framed her face beautifully, her smile was like a ray of sunshine…
… Wait.
Clay’s eyes snapped opened, his heart racing. Viva was dead asleep. Snoring away peacefully as Clay was silently freaking out.
Then he whispered to himself; “Oh my god I’m in love with her…”