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Sanji's captain was one of the most beautiful people he'd ever seen, and he would never admit that to anybody.
When was the first time he realised? It could've been when he saved Luffy for the first time, or the first time he tried his cooking, or maybe, maybe it was when he'd broken the nth plate in the Baratie's kitchen and hounded Sanji to sail the seas with him. Maybe the first time he saw Luffy's face up close, saw the dimples in his cheeks or the way the scar under his eye scrunched up when he smiled.
Regardless, the first time Sanji realised his captain was all he'd ever wanted, he was terrified. Terrified of the idea of it, terrified of what others would think, but most of all, terrified of himself.
Luffy was the most beautiful thing Sanji had ever seen, and it petrified him.
For a while, he tried to just ignore it. If he pretended the feelings weren't there, if he threw himself into his cooking and fawned over Nami even more, if he convinced himself Luffy wasn't beautiful, then it would just go away. It had to go away. He'd force it to go away if he had to.
Ignoring the feeling never worked, because Luffy was born to be hard to ignore. When he cooked, Luffy would stand behind him and peek into the pan. When he tended to Nami, Luffy would complain about being ignored and ask him for food, which Sanji could never bring himself to refuse. On the occasional moment he felt himself begin to let go–begin to be normal again–Luffy would always be there, smiling at him or hugging him.
Sometimes it felt like he knew. Sometimes it felt like Luffy had found out long ago and was taunting him for being like this. For having those kinds of feelings for him.
One night, a relatively regular night for their crew, turned into both Sanji's worst nightmare and greatest, darkest dream.
He couldn’t sleep. Not the most abnormal thing in the world for him, he was pretty sure he had some kind of insomnia that he had been meaning to ask Chopper about but it'd never been that big a deal to him. He decided to get up to splash his face with some water, it usually helped a bit.
While walking to the bathroom, he felt something grab his arm. He turned to look. Luffy. Of course it was, he was always grabby but even more so in his sleep. He pulled him farther back and nuzzled against his arm, “Don't go, Sanji…”
He froze. He didn't look at him, not in the face. He couldn't, shouldn't. He wasn't supposed to feel this… this stupid feeling. He shouldn't feel this way for Luffy. Not because he hated him, or because he was ugly or cruel.
He shouldn't feel this way for Luffy because he was a boy.
Sanji had never felt so strongly for anybody other than a woman. He loved women, he loved them more than he would ever love himself. What kind of cruel joke was it for him to start feeling the same way for another boy?
Another beautiful boy. A beautiful boy who was his captain who cared about him, hugged him, made him happier than he'd ever been.
He looked at Luffy's face, and felt something within him crash. “Beautiful” was no way to describe him. Even as he slept, Luffy still looked energetic, though there was a sense of peacefulness in his relaxed features. What was he dreaming about, Sanji wondered. But he would never allow himself to wonder if Luffy would ever dream of him.
With the hand not locked in Luffy's grasp, he raised it above his face. Slowly, shamefully. He hesitated, afraid of what would happen if he touched him. What if he woke up and was disgusted? What would happen to him, where would he go? The crew was his everything, Luffy was his everything.
But, just like every other time he tried to reject his feelings for Luffy, his heart won. He let himself, convinced himself, that it wouldn't hurt anyone. Not him, not Luffy, not anybody.
He traced his index and middle fingers across the jagged scar under his eye. A scar he'd stared at so many times, a scar with unknown origins that he wondered so many nights about, a scar Luffy wouldn't be complete without.
It made him… not beautiful, he was more than beautiful. Luffy's scar, his dimples, his hat, they all made him into the utterly ethereal person he knew him as.
And the thought of it, the thought of Luffy's beauty, absolutely disgusted him.
Luffy was the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen, and it was horrifying to him.
He jerked his fingers away from his face like it had burned him and pulled himself from Luffy's grip. He was more than familiar with the men's quarters by now, but he still stumbled in the darkness, desperate to put space between him and Luffy.
He slammed the bathroom door closed and locked it, he knew well that nobody but him was awake but the fear of being seen in the state he was in didn't make him the most rational person. He let his body fall against the door, now suddenly weaker than he'd ever felt.
This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Not for him, not in this life. He'd always been a hopeless romantic, he'd always imagined how being truly in love with one person would feel.
And if this horrible, warm yet uninviting feeling was what love felt like, then he never wanted to fall in love again.
Sanji was not supposed to be this kind of man. He was not the kind of man who would ever fall in love with anybody who wasn't a woman.
It was cruel, he thought. Too cruel for this to be his reality.
He pushed himself off the door and held onto the sink. He wouldn't look up, he couldn't look up. He wouldn't let himself see the man he'd become.
He decided to do what he'd gone to the bathroom for, which was washing his face, and made a move to leave. Though somebody else got to the door handle before he did.
“Sanji?” Luffy pushed the door open and stared at him like he wasn't expecting to see him in there.
Sanji didn't move his hand from the handle, almost afraid of what would happen if he moved. He tried to smile and force himself into his people pleasing routine, “Is there something you need, Captain?”
Luffy's face scrunched up. He looked… indecisive, if that was even possible. It was almost like he was choosing his words carefully before speaking. “I don't need something, I'm just kinda confused…”
Sanji tilted his head and chuckled, though it was stilted and he knew it. He was fucking scared, and he knew it. “You're always confused, captain. That's not very descriptive.”
Luffy rolled his eyes, which was not something he saw every day, and continued, “I'm not always confused, I'm just usually confused. But anyways, can I ask you something?”
He didn't think his heart had ever beat faster. He knew. He knew and he was going to ask him about it. “Anything, Captain.”
Luffy scratched his cheek, the area right underneath his scar. "You… I wasn't asleep, Sanji."
There it was. He was never asleep. He couldn't stop his eyes from widening out of shock. Out of fear. He stuttered, he never stuttered, but he was just so scared. “I– listen, Luffy. I can–I can explain…”
Luffy didn't respond, he didn't break eye contact, he didn't even blink when he took Sanji's unoccupied hand in his. “I don't want you to explain, Sanji. I just want to ask my question.”
Luffy's hand was warm. It wasn't soft, far from it. Nothing about Luffy could ever be soft. He was warm, but jagged and rough. His hands felt nothing like his own, and yet they were still magnificent. And he hated himself for wishing Luffy would never let go.
He didn't respond, he just gave him a small nod to tell him to keep going.
“I don't know what the word is but you make me feel weird, Sanji.” This wasn't happening. This couldn't happen. He needed to get away, from this, from him. “I asked Nami about it, and Usopp too and I think I know what I want to do.” This couldn't be happening to him. Why was this happening? He tried to keep his breathing under control but it was just too hard to keep up with his raging heart. “Soo… can I kiss you, Sanji?”
This wasn't happening.
This couldn't be happening.
Not with his captain. Not with Luffy. Not with a boy.
He can't want this. He can't want Sanji and Sanji can't want to say yes. He can't kiss Luffy, even though Luffy wants to and so does he.
He wants, he wants so bad but cannot let himself have.
Luffy's unoccupied hand reaches for his face and all Sanji wants to do is jerk away. Instead of pulling him in, Luffy wipes a tear from his cheek. And then another until the wet feeling that'd only been triggered by Luffy's touch was no longer there.
“You don't have to say yes, I just wanted to know how it felt.”
He paused. Afraid, confused, but exhausted most of all. He was scared, and tired of being scared. He took a deep breath before squeezing Luffy's hand, “But what if… what if I want to say yes?” He muttered it, and looked away. If he was lucky, Luffy hadn't even heard him and they could pretend this never happened in the morning.
“Really?” Luffy moved his head so he'd be in Sanji's view.
He was stupid. A ridiculous boy whom he'd foolishly put his trust in. An enchanting captain he wanted to hold, to kiss, even if it were just for a moment. He was everything, and Sanji wanted anything he could give. But would he let himself take it?
He couldn't respond. He just stared at him dumbly until he couldn't anymore, closed his eyes, and nodded slowly.
For a moment, neither of them moved. And a new fear, one he'd never considered, was that Luffy had learned to lie. He had learned to lie, and had set him up for humiliation.
Luffy was not that kind of man though. And moments later, he felt it. He felt what he'd wanted, what he'd always wanted since that day at the Baratie. He felt Luffy's lips against his.
Luffy was perfect, but he was not.
He felt the tears this time. They were almost painful as they stabbed at his eyes and painted a path down his face. Misery in the face of love, he thought. All he'd ever wanted would always be tainted with the stained image of sadness and pain.
He felt his heart sting when he pushed Luffy away from him and onto the floor. His eyes were still heavy with tears, fresh ones now, at the look of confusion on Luffy's face.
How could he explain this? How could he break Luffy's heart when it had only just been offered to him?
Luffy opened his mouth to speak, but Sanji cut him off with a half-choked sob. He wiped his face before he spoke.
“I wish you had been a girl, Captain.” More tears came, and he didn't bother to stop them this time. “Maybe then I could let myself love you.”