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From the first time when Dazai opened his eyes after a suicide attempt under Mori’s custody, he always felt like his brain had been sucked out of his head. Realistically, that never happened, but the incapability to think straight and have any kind of emotion couldn’t be much different.
He was always told it was part of the treatment to help him recover faster, some sort of medication Mori had created on his own to revitalize his patients faster.
Dazai knew it was a fancy explanation for drugs.
And once they stopped working on him, Mori dedicated his free time to improve them, making them stronger, adding different components, trying on bigger doses every time, and Dazai was always the one he would use as a lab rat.
The effects changed too, what was once a light headache and blurry vision, became migraines and hallucinations, the occasional fatigue started being chronic and the suicidal idealization only increased.
Dazai was fourteen by the time it started, and could only stop it at seventeen, a year before leaving the mafia.
But some of the effects, the paranoia and fear towards anyone using a white coat persisted. Call it trauma or being dramatic (as Dazai liked to categorize it), but it was still there, lingering in the back of his mind and waiting to make him remember those times at any moment.
The Armed Detective Agency had an annual medical examination hosted by Yosano. She insisted on checking on the member’s health and doing some tests to keep a register on everyone, that included Dazai.
For the last two years, Dazai had Olympically avoided them, going on last minute missions, calling in sick and having the weirdest two-week absents with even weirder excuses, that until Yosano would inevitably forget about the examination and he was free to wander around the office once more without being bothered by the doctor.
This year was different, thought. Yosano must have realized what he was doing, because when he walked in, the door shut behind him; Atsushi held it closed using both of his tiger arms, Kyouka and the Tanizaki’s were standing in front of the windows and Ranpo stared at him seated from the sofa, his napping sofa, looking nothing less than amused.
“What’s all this? A surprise party? I’m sorry to tell you guys, but it’s not my birthday.”
Yosano walked out of her clinic, a white coat hanging from his arm and latex gloves covering her hands.
“It’s examination day, Dazai.”
His blood ran cold.
“Yosano-sensei, you must have it wrong” he tried his best to not show any nervousness on his voice, masking as he had always done, keeping the façade the others were used to see, “I don’t need an examination, didn’t I go to the hospital the other day? They ran some tests and I’m fine!”
“You’ve never had the annual checkup, it’s just a couple of routine things, and as the doctor of the agency I need to have your updated medical record.”
Ranpo, who was busy crewing on a green apple flavored candy, pointed in Dazai’s direction, looking at him with an accusatory glare.
“I didn’t want to have anything to do with this, but you need to get over it.”
“He needs to get over what?” Atsushi asked confused from behind, Kyouka nodded along with him, both waiting for an answer from Ranpo.
“Our greatest detective doesn’t know what he’s talking about” Dazai talked instead of him, not looking at either of them but the floor instead.
The agency became silent, a heavy atmosphere talking control over everyone and leaving them without anything to say. Dazai looked calm, but taking a closer look on the way he was clinching his fists, he was beyond angered, maybe even anxious as well.
Ranpo sighed, finishing the last of his candy before standing up and going to place himself next to Yosano. Everyone followed his movements, still trying to figure out what was going on in the mental battle between him and Dazai.
“You guys should leave” the other members, excepting Yosano, exchanged looks, “Yosano-san and I will take care of this. Dazai would’ve been able to escape even if you stayed here, either way.”
That was mostly truth, he had already figured out five get away routes and at least three of them were ninety-five percent effective, Dazai chuckled under his breath. He sometimes forgot how smart Ranpo could be.
Slowly, everyone left their spots, Kyouka brushing Dazai’s arm in a subtle manner on her way out, Dazai smiled at her, she’d probably understood the most out of everyone.
Once they were out, Dazai found himself letting some of the tension flow out, clearly conscious that Ranpo already knew everything and Yosano was too perceptive to have figured out some things on her own.
“I’m still not doing the examination.”
“And it’s not our wish to force you” Yosano complied, looking at him with tender eyes.
“But you have to do it one day, Dazai” Ranpo finished, a new lollipop already making its way to his mouth, “nobody said it’ll be easy, but better with us than at some random hospital, don’t you think? Because I know you didn’t go to one like you said.”
Dazai thought about it, they were right, he trusted Yosano enough to not hurt him an Ranpo to keep his past as a secret. But he didn’t trust himself. What if he had a flashback and hurt them? What if that ended up with him being kicked out of the agency for being a threat?
He wouldn’t vocalize those kinds of thoughts, but sometimes, on his darkest days, he would find himself being insecure and a nervous bag of anxiety that could never stop overthinking. He hated those thoughts; they were irrational and extreme, they weren’t real but had the power to control him, and sometimes they even made him consider going back to the habits he promised to leave behind the same day he left the mafia.
“I’ll be there if you want me to” Ranpo spoke again, attracting Dazai’s attention back to him, “but if you don’t, I can leave.”
“And I can make any accommodations for you to feel safe” Yosano added, Dazai gave a quick at the coat still hanging from her arm, and she seemed to understand right away, “the coat is just a formality, we can let it aside.”
“That’d be great, thanks.” Dazai inhaled deeply, trying to regain control over his emotions, turning to Ranpo, “and sorry, but it’ll prefer if you stay outside. Don’t leave, though, I need you to do something for me if we are doing this.”
“I’m calling him right now.”
Him was Chuuya, the only one who Dazai had told him about everything voluntarily. He appeared in less than ten minutes, entering through the window and nodding at Ranpo as a greeting.
“Mr. Fancy Hat, it’s good to see you again.”
“I honestly don’t know if I prefer this over being trapped in a book, but I guess it isn’t time to choose, right?” Chuuya took off his coat, leaving in on the couch.
“Chibi!” Dazai came running, hugging Chuuya while the other tried his best to keep his balance and not fall with the sudden weight over him.
Yosano was waiting inside the clinic, next to one of the cots while Dazai and Chuuya talked outside. Ranpo came in to tell her they would be coming in a few minutes, she nodded and prepared everything she’d need.
Dazai finally decided it was time to get over with the everything, holding Chuuya’s hand while he made his way to the cot. Yosano had put a chair near for Chuuya to seat during the examination, she had already her gloves on, and the white coat was nowhere to be seen.
“Are you ready?”
Dazai wanted to shake his head so bad, but he stopped himself deciding to nod instead. Yosano started by taking some of his information to fill a form, then she checked his reflexes and his sensibility to light, proceeding to walk away saying she had to go get something for the last test. Dazai’s nervousness was starting to fade away, realizing it probably wasn’t anything like what Mori used to do to him.
That until Yosano came back with a syringe.
The only sight of it made Dazai feel like he was drowning, a sudden panic raising from his chest all the way to his throat, making him unable to talk. Neither Chuuya nor Yosano had noticed this, too busy talking with each other to see Dazai’s reaction, as subtle as it was.
Dazai tried to close his eyes, Yosano was just going to take some blood samples and that’ll be it. But the voice in his head didn’t think the same, forcing him to remember all those times when the hallucinations got so bad, he had started to dissociate on a daily basis, or when the migraines wouldn’t let him leave his container because the only thought of having light bothering him made him want to die.
The worst of those situations was the fact that he had to go through them alone, not still trusting anyone to tell them about the things Mori was doing to him. He was the Demon Prodigy, how could a simple drug mess up with his brain so bad that some days he wouldn’t recognize himself, or have nights plagued with nightmares from things that didn’t even exist?
As much as he hated it, he never looked for a way out of it, not until Odasaku figured it out on his own. He’d been the first one to know, finding then an explanation for Dazai’s sudden mood changes and his excessive hatred towards doctors, trying to avoid them even when he was on the brink of death.
So, when the needle got closer and closer to Dazai’s arm, he couldn’t do anything more than move It away. Something inside of him screaming that it was a drug, and he would be sedated while seeing his worst fear doing a parade in front of him for the next hours, just like seven years ago.
Chuuya got up, trying to hold Dazai as the other was attempting to get off from the cot, fighting his was out from his boyfriend’s grip and escape from the threat that was being held in the hand of Yosano.
Because she was Yosano, right?
In Dazai’s state, he couldn’t see clearly, the adrenaline kicking in as a way for him to put all of his strength on running away; so, when he turned around so quickly, he couldn’t see Yosano’s figure in detail, the black hair that crossed on his field of view was enough to make his knees bend, falling straight to the floor so suddenly that Chuuya almost didn’t catch him.
“Dazai, hey, it’s okay” Chuuya began wiping the tears out of Dazai’s face, when had he started crying? Why was his throat sore? Was he screaming before?
Dazai clung onto Chuuya, gripping his shirt so hard his knuckles went white, and his fingers hurt. Yosano decided to leave the syringe on the side, taking the time to cover it with a piece of cloth so Dazai wouldn’t have to see it again.
“I’ll leave you guys alone” she whispered, making her way to the door when Dazai’s voice stopped her.
“I’m sorry, sensei” his voice was broken and sounded hoarse, but he still turned to look at her, “I didn’t mean to, and even after all you and Ranpo did, I don’t think I’m ready.”
“That’s okay” she didn’t move, not daring to get too close in case Dazai could panic again, just keeping a few meters between the both of them, “we can try again next year, no rush.”
“She’s right!” Ranpo’s voice came from the door, only his head being visible from the way he was poking it inside, “at least you tried, that’s what matters.”
Dazai nodded, still holding Chuuya but with a softer grip. He caressed Dazai’s hair, running his hand through his bangs all the way to his cheeks and chin, grabbing it with tender fingers to make eye contact with Dazai.
“I’m proud of you, ‘Samu” he said, using a voice so low only Dazai could hear him. Then, he leaned to leave a kiss on his forehead, pressing him closer to his chest.
Ranpo and Yosano took that as their sign to leave, closing the door behind them.
And Dazai stayed between Chuuya’s arms until he felt a little better.