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“You said you needed help with something?” Ayda said as she came into Adaine’s room.
Adaine nodded, a little nervous. “Yeah, I need … I need someone to talk to. To help sort through my own thoughts, you know?”
It was not unusual for them to bounce ideas off each other or spend hours discussing a topic in depth. Those talks were usually related to magic, though. This was … a little more personal.
But Ayda was one of her best friends, and Adaine trusted her.
Ayda sat down on the floor, mirroring Adaine’s own position. They both sat cross legged. Ayda started tapping her fingers together and Adaine watched her stim for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts.
“What do you want to talk about?” Ayda asked, a mix between gentle and curious.
“I …” Oh, this was harder than Adaine would’ve thought. “I think I’m on the aromantic and asexual spectrums.”
Ayda’s eyes widened just slightly, and she nodded. “I see. Thank you for telling me, Adaine. I feel incredibly honored that you chose to tell me this.” She paused for a moment, seeming to mentally run through what else she should say, before settling on, “I accept you as you are, of course. You are one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met and this is just one more facet of everything that makes you as fantastic as you are.”
Oh, wow.
Tears were already freely running down her face before Adaine even registered that she’d started crying. Ayda was the first person she’d come out to, and while this wasn’t really why Adaine had wanted to talk to Ayda, she was still extremely relieved to have such a wonderful reaction to her coming out.
“Did I say something wrong?” Ayda asked, clearly alarmed at her tears.
“No, no, you said everything right.”
“Oh. Good. Do you … do you want a hug?”
“Yes, please.”
Immediately, Adaine was engulfed by the warm safety of Ayda’s arms. Adaine clung onto Ayda, allowing her tears to run freely for as long as she needed. As Adaine cried, Ayda simply stroked her back.
They sat there for a very long time.
When they eventually pulled away from the hug, Ayda had the beginning of fiery tears forming in the corners of her eyes. She quickly wiped them away.
“I love you, Adaine O’Shaugnessy,” Ayda said.
Adaine chuckled, wiping away a few of her own tears. “I love you too, Ayda Aguefort.”
They smiled at each other for a moment, both of them taking a little while to calm down. Then Adaine remembered what she had originally wanted to talk to Ayda about, and she cleared her throat.
“So, uhm,” Adaine started, a little unsure of how to continue. “I actually … Okay, so aromanticism and asexuality are spectrums, right? And I know I fall somewhere on those spectrums, but I just don’t know exactly where. There are a lot of different labels, and they all seem very useful, but I just can’t figure out if any of them fit me. I know you’re not aspec, but you’re always really helpful when I need to sort through my thoughts on a topic, so … I was wondering if maybe you could try to help me find out what labels work for me?”
Ayda’s eyes widened, a few tears immediately forming. “That … That would be the greatest honor. Yes, of course I will help you in whatever way I can.”
Adaine smiled. “Thank you, Ayda.”
Ayda looked at Adaine expectantly. Right. Now Adaine actually had to say her thoughts out loud.
She took a deep breath and started. “Okay, so my experiences with romantic attraction and sexual attraction are a little different, I think. Although I’m honestly not sure what either of those are supposed to feel like, so that just makes everything, like, a thousand times harder.
“Anyway, I can start with romantic attraction, I guess. So, I don’t think I’ve ever felt romantic attraction. Like, I’ve never had a crush on anyone or anything. But I do sometimes really wish I could feel it, you know? And sometimes I wish I could be in a romantic relationship and experience those feelings for someone. I just never have, and I don’t think I ever will.
“So, I’ve been looking at different labels, and the closest ones I can find might be something like aegoromantic, which is, from what I can understand, someone who likes the idea of romance, but doesn’t actually want to be in a romantic relationship. So they can enjoy romantic fantasies or romantic books or whatever, but just … not for themselves. And that might be me?
“But I might also be cupioromantic, which is when you don’t experience romantic attraction, but you do still want a romantic relationship. And … Well, that seems kind of right, too, you know? Because yeah, maybe I do want a romantic relationship even if I don’t feel that type of attraction. I don’t know what that would look like, I don’t know how it would work, but … I might want it.
“The problem is that I just don’t know if I actually want a romantic relationship or if I just feel like I should want it, you know? Like, if I want it or if I’ve just been pressured into wanting it. I … I can’t tell, and it’s very frustrating.”
Adaine took another deep breath and continued before Ayda could speak. She needed to just get through this now that she’d started. If she stopped, Adaine wasn’t sure if she would be able to continue.
“And then there’s sexual attraction, which is, like … a little more awkward for me to talk about with you, no offense or anything. It’s weird for me to talk about it with anyone. So I’ll try to keep it very … vague. But yeah.
“So, I think I might have felt sexual attraction? Maybe? At some point? Like, I think there might be one person — I won’t tell you who; they’re not important and you don’t know them — that I met and looked at and thought ‘huh, I really wouldn’t mind if we … you know’. And I maybe even felt some … things? Maybe? And like, is that sexual attraction? I don’t know. It might be, right? But, again, that’s one time, and it was not a super strong urge or anything. So I’m pretty sure I can still call myself asexual, since it’s a spectrum and all that.
“I think maybe graysexual is the best label to describe that experience, but I honestly don’t know. Graysexual is when you experience sexual attraction infrequently, by the way. And since it’s only been one time, I think I can call that infrequent. At least based on how much our friends talk about sex and all that stuff. But I just struggle with really knowing if it’s the right label because I just don’t know what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like so I don’t know if that was what I felt.”
Adaine had been gesturing with her hands, and she now let them drop to her lap as her monologue was done. It felt surprisingly good to finally get this off her chest. She’d been agonizing about all this for so long. It was such a relief to finally have told someone about it.
Ayda was nodding slowly. Adaine watched her start to process all this new information. It was fascinating watching Ayda work on a problem like this. She always put all of herself into it, and Adaine could already see that on her face.
“Thank you for telling me all this, Adaine,” Ayda started with. “I will try my best to help. But I apologize if I cannot give you all the help that you need. I do not have personal experience with any of this, which makes it harder. I also, as you know, struggle with knowing the right thing to say, so I apologize if I say something wrong or weird.”
“It’s fine, Ayda, I promise. I just appreciate the fact that you’re taking time to help me. Even just listening to me rambling has already really helped.”
Ayda smiled. “I’m very glad to hear that.” She tapped her fingers together. “Okay, let’s see … you don’t know if what you felt was sexual attraction or not. That sounds very confusing. I think, based on the way you described it, that it might be said to qualify as sexual attraction, yes.
“I think everyone who experiences sexual attraction experiences it differently — we are all unique, after all, and we experience the world and our own emotions differently even if a lot of them are the same on the most basic of levels. So, I think you could describe it as sexual attraction. But I also think that you could choose to not see it that way if you do not want to.
“When it comes to things like these, I find that the lines between different forms of attractions and feelings can often get somewhat blurred. So if you don’t think that what you experienced was sexual attraction, then it’s okay for you to say that it wasn’t. It doesn’t really matter what the reality of the feeling was, or what it might’ve been. What really matters is that it makes sense and is comfortable for you.
“I think a lot of these labels are in many ways — not in all ways, but many — simply arbitrary lines we’ve drawn in an attempt to make life make more sense. Those lines are decided by culture and so many other things. You can draw your own lines of distinctions if that makes more sense to you.”
Adaine looked at her own hands as she slowly took all of this in.
“I know you said you might not be a lot of help, but you have a lot of very insightful thoughts about all of this,” Adaine said, the corners of her lips tugging upwards.
Ayda smiled. “Thank you. I have thought a bit about this in relation to myself, I suppose. I wasn’t entirely sure what my sexuality was before I met Fig. I knew I was likely a lesbian, but I had never dated anyone before, so I was still a little unsure. Questioning my sexuality naturally led to me also questioning these concepts at large.”
Adine snorted. “Oh, same. I hadn’t thought half as much about any of this until I started to question my own sexuality. But then suddenly I was thinking about and noticing so many new things. Before, for example, I never realized how much of the media is full of romance and romantic stories, but now I’m, like, painfully aware of the fact that it’s literally everywhere.”
Ayda tilted her head to the side. “Painfully?”
“I mean, yeah, kinda. I can enjoy a good romance story, but now that I know that I don’t feel that attraction, and that I won’t ever get to be a part of those stories, it feels kinda like a punch in the gut every time I see something romantic, you know?”
“That sounds difficult to deal with.”
Adaine shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. But I’m fine. I think.”
They were silent for a moment, before Ayda said, “So, you don’t know if you want a romantic relationship or if you just feel like you should want it?”
“Mhm.”
“Hm. Well, only you can really know that. But, based on what you just said, it seems like it might be the latter. Do you agree?”
Adaine closed her eyes and nodded slowly. “I think … I think I’ve thought for so long that I would eventually find a romantic relationship, that when I realized that I don’t feel those types of feelings, it … It made me really sad.”
Ayda reached out, taking Adaine’s hand and squeezing it.
“I don’t even know what it is about a romantic relationship that I wish I could have,” Adaine continued. “Do I wish I could feel the attraction? The blushing, the butterflies, all that? I don’t know. Or do I want a … a romantic relationship? Like, the actual relationship, and all that entails? Or do I just want the … the stability of it? Being able to rely on one person to always be there, to always love you, to take care of you. Just the … the promise that they won’t leave you for something else, something more.” Adaine wiped away a tear with her free hand. “I think that’s what I want, really.”
She’d been lonely for a very long time. She’d felt unloved for a very long time.
She had her friends now, and it felt like enough, but something in her insisted that she wasn’t supposed to be content with that. That she was supposed to want more.
“Do you want me to hug you again?” Ayda asked.
Adaine nodded, and was once again immediately embraced by Ayda. Once again, Adaine cried into her shoulder, leaning on Ayda’s stability, safety, warmth.
“I, Ayda Aguefort,” Ayda started, whispering into Adaine’s hair, “swear to you, Adaine O’Shaugnessy, that I will always be there when you need me for as long as I draw breath. I will always love you. You will always be one of my most cherished friends. If you ever find yourself alone, I will come to you. I will always take care of you, just as you always take care of me. I will never leave you for something more, because there is nothing more precious to me than my friends. I will always love you, Adaine O’Shaugnessy. I swear this to you.”
Adaine was sobbing by the time Ayda was done talking. She squeezed her arms even tighter around Ayda, moving so she was practically sitting on Ayda’s lap. Ayda welcomed her with a soothing noise that sounded like a bird singing.
“I-I will … always love … you too,” Adaine promised, forcing the words out through her sobs.
Time barely felt real as they sat there, Adaine sobbing and Ayda gently stroking her back. It was starting to get dark outside, and still they sat there, holding each other like there was no one else in the world.
When Adaine had calmed down a little, she started thinking about what they’d talked about.
The label graysexual did feel pretty fitting, the more Adaine thought about it. She wasn’t sure how often she would use it to describe herself to other people — asexual felt a lot easier to explain, and it was still a label she wanted to keep — but it was nice to have it, so that she could make more sense to herself. That was why she’d wanted to figure out these labels anyway: so that she could understand herself better.
The labels she’d considered for her romantic orientation felt very wrong now, after everything they’d talked about. Adaine didn’t think she actually liked the idea of romance — apart from being able to appreciate exceptionally good romance stories. And, when she really thought about it, it wasn’t really a romantic relationship she wanted — there was nothing wrong with wanting that as an aromantic person, of course, but it wasn’t what Adaine really wanted. It was just what she’d thought she wanted.
In reality, she simply needed to feel more secure in her platonic relationships, to know without a doubt that she was not someone they would eventually cast away in favor of romantic relationships.
In theory, she’d already known that that was true. Of course her friends wouldn’t leave her, of course they would all prioritize her just as much as their romantic partners. But knowing it in theory and hearing it said out loud by one of her best friends were two completely different things.
As Adaine allowed herself to fully take in everything Ayda had told her, tension melted in Adaine’s shoulders that she hadn’t even known was there.
“Thank you,” Adaine whispered. “Thank you so much, Ayda. I … I love you. And everything you said … I mean it too, for you. I’ll always be there for you, I’ll always take care of you, and I’ll always, always love you.”
Ayda sniffled. “I’m getting very emotional now.”
Adaine laughed quietly. “Yeah, me too.”
“Is this okay?” Ayda asked as she started carefully running her hands through Adaine’s hair in a soothing motion.
Adaine closed her eyes, smiling. “Yeah, that’s very nice.”
They sat there for a while, Adaine in Ayda’s lap and her arms around Ayda’s waist, Ayda with her hands in Adaine’s hair. Adaine thanked Ayda again, and Ayda repeated what an honor it had been. They both said “I love you” so many times that they lost count. They held each other close and reminded each other that they were there, by each other’s side, and that they always would be.