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The camp was unusually quiet while Elminster gave Gale the news of Mystra's plan to defeat the absolute. As the old wizard spoke, Astarion watched Gale's face change from surprise and hope to something much darker.
"She wants me to detonate the orb," Gale concluded. "And myself with it."
There was neither questioning nor surprise in his voice, only exhaustion. Astarion could have laughed at the absurdity of the request, if only he hadn't seen the resignation in Gale's face as he took those words in.
After bestowing that charm upon Gale, the old wizard departed, leaving behind nothing but a heavy silence. It was quite the contrast compared to when Gale first told them about the orb in his chest. That day, there had been curses, and threats, and accusations. Now, however, no one said a word for the longest time. Unsurprisingly, the one to break the silence was Karlach, in a loud, incredulous outburst.
"What the fuck?"
And, as if her anger had shaken them awake from their daze, the silence was broken for good. Lae'zel and Shadowheart pointed out the unfairness of the goddess' request, while Wyll, Karlach, and Halsin strongly reminded Gale that he didn't owe her anything, much less his life. Tara the tressym was one of the most vocal ones, giving her all to make Gale promise that he wouldn't go through with that absurd plan. If Mystra had been in their camp that night, not even her divine grace would have saved her from their little group's rage.
Despite his momentary silence, Astarion wasn't any less infuriated, just kept it all to himself while the others spoke their minds. Certainly, Gale wasn't blind enough to throw his life away so easily… Yet, the way he tried to justify Mystra's orders to the others filled him with a bad presentiment.
How could he still care for her after such a thing? Someone who he once called a lover, asking for him to give up on everything just because it was convenient for her. Yes, that was certainly a quick and easy way for Mystra to deal with that problem… Sending her loyal follower to die in her name. What a fair and benevolent goddess she was…
The bitterness in his mouth grew stronger the more he thought about it. In all honesty, Gale's hero complex had always annoyed Astarion, and he used to think that only someone who had lived a good life could be that kind to people he didn't even know. But it wasn't just kindness… Of course, some of it was undoubtedly Gale's sweet nature at work, but there was also a need to prove himself useful, to put everyone else's needs before his own, as if that was what others expected him to do — his duty, perhaps.
Mystra might not have used methods as gruesome as Cazador's, but with her supposed "love" she had ruined Gale's confidence just as much.
Long minutes passed until Tara finally managed to make Gale promise not to do anything stupid, though Astarion wondered how much truth those words actually carried. One by one, the others returned to their tents, until the camp was silent again — eerily so.
Gale sighed, his carefree facade breaking for a moment, and Astarion caught a glimpse of the bitterness and heartbreak lurking just below the surface. It lasted but a single second — just long enough for Astarion to know he hadn't imagined it — and soon the perfectly composed mask was back in place.
He was so good at it… keeping a smile on his face while everything fell apart around him. When they first met, Astarion thought he was the kind of man who got so absorbed in books and himself that he forgot all about his common sense. And, well… He played the part quite well most of the time, with that arrogant tone and endless blabbering.
Maybe Gale had once been that over-confident fool, who knows… But now, it took only a more attentive look to notice the cracks — and once you did, that mask no longer had any effect on you. Sometimes, Astarion wished it still did… One less thing for him to think about.
But it was too late for that now… It had been since the moment he made the foolish decision of approaching Gale from all people that night. Astarion looked at him until their gazes finally met, and, understanding the unspoken invitation, Gale approached him.
"I apologize for the commotion," he said with a hint of humor in his voice. "But I suppose Elminster isn't the kind of visitor who comes without leaving an impression."
Astarion wasn't quite in the mood to talk about that old wizard at the moment. Instead, he spoke what was in his mind. "One would think the goddess of magic would have the common decency to make such a ludicrous demand in person."
Gale's smile embittered. "It seems like we are on worse terms than I initially thought."
He did seem quite hurt by that fact, which only increased Astarion's frustration.
"Has it not been long enough already?" Astarion forced a chuckle. "I suppose not even the gods are above pettiness."
Gale laughed, but there was no humor in it — actually, his mind seemed very far from that conversation. Astarion faced him, touching his arm to catch his attention, leaning in his direction and asking in a low voice.
"You are not actually considering it, are you?"
Gale averted his gaze. "I can't deny it is a valid option."
His uncertainty made Astarion laugh, slightly annoyed. "Darling, there is nothing valid about it. I don't care who she is, she clearly crossed a line."
"It's not that simple…"
"How so?"
Gale seemed to struggle with the words for a moment. "She made me who I am. And I failed her…" He brought a hand to his chest, staying silent for a moment longer before continuing in a more confident tone. "And it won't be an empty sacrifice. I'll be taking the Absolute, whoever it might be, down with me."
"The end justifies the means, is that it?"
"It could be the end of this problem with our…" Gale gestured at his own head. "Little stowaways."
"It could. Or it could be a shortcut to sprouting tentacles from our faces."
"Which will happen anyway if we don't try anything." Seeming to notice the dryness in his voice, Gale took a deep breath, continuing in a softer tone. "Mystra wouldn't ask something like this lightly… If she did, there is a high chance it will save us."
Astarion raised his eyebrow. "Save us?"
Gale stopped for a second, as if incapable of finding a response. But he quickly regained his composure, sustaining Astarion's gaze.
"I've already made my peace with it," he said with a calm voice. "It's one life to save many. And one life that could end at any moment on top of that. It seems like a fair price."
Astarion narrowed his eyes. Was he really hearing those senseless words from the man who had served as a leader of sorts to their group all that time?
"Are you serious about this?" he muttered.
"I am." Gale lowered his eyes for a moment, then met Astarion's gaze with renewed determination — or stubbornness. "Mystra doesn't often consider forgiveness… She is giving me one last chance to make things right."
"Make things right?" Astarion grunted, continuing in a louder voice. "Are you listening to your own nonsense? What good is her forgiveness if you are dead?"
"I don't know if you would understand even if I explained it."
At that moment, it took all of Astarion's self-control not to slap some sense into that foolish wizard. Did he even realize what he was doing? While Astarion fought desperately to free himself from Cazador, Gale continued to find new ways to shackle himself to Mystra.
"Yes…" Astarion nodded with a stiff smile. "Somehow, I doubt I would."
Part of him wished to turn his back on Gale and leave him to his own stupidity. But he couldn't… Not when he knew what truly was at stake.
"You heard them, didn't you?" He gestured vaguely around them. "If you blew yourself up, our little group would be quite depressed. And I hate this kind of gloomy atmosphere."
"Nothing that a good, tadpole-free night of rest won't solve." A tiny smile took the corner of Gale's lips. "Or even some celebration… Maybe the wine will be better this time."
"Am I supposed to laugh at that?"
Gale didn't respond. Astarion sighed, frustrated.
"So… You've made up your mind, haven't you?" he asked. "You're just giving up on everything."
"I'm not giving up," said Gale in a serious voice. "But we have no other way to stop the ceremorphosis. This is our best chance."
"You will be dead."
"I know."
"Do you really?" Astarion forced an angry laugh. "Because you seem way too comfortable with someone who already rejected you ordering you to kill yourself."
"I've been ready to take extreme measures for quite some time now. At least now it will have a meaning. If it means putting an end to all this, I'm ready to go through with it, no matter the consequences."
"Are you, now?" Astarion asked in a sharp voice. "Ready to leave everything behind?"
"Yes."
"Are you saying that what we have means nothing to you?"
He hoped those words would at least make him reconsider his options, but instead, Gale's expression darkened.
"Don't pretend you love me, Astarion…" he muttered. "I'm not a fool."
His words cut deeper than they should, considering how right he was. All Astarion wanted from him was safety, or at least that was how it was supposed to be.
"You're right." Astarion smiled stiffly. "I may not love you, but when you kill yourself, you will take everything and everyone around with you. And that includes us…" He slapped his own chest. "It includes me. And I refuse to die so you can feel good about following your goddess' orders to your grave."
Gale stared silently at him for a moment, then looked away. "So, this is what this is about."
Astarion scoffed. How dared that wizard look disappointed? If either of them had the right to feel that way, it was Astarion, who thought he could place his trust in that man.
"What else would it be?" he said.
Gale parted his lips, only to press them into a firm line. Astarion thought he would get some satisfaction from hurting him, but instead, it only made things feel worse.
"You don't need to be there when it happens," said Gale without looking at Astarion. "As soon as we find the absolute, I'll do the rest on my own. I don't plan to take any of you with me."
"Good."
"So, this is all you have to say, isn't it?" Gale let out a small, tired laugh. "I don't know why I expected anything different…"
Then, without another word, Gale walked away from him and back to his tent. Astarion averted his gaze, not wanting to get himself involved with that man any more than he already was. The only reason he chose Gale to begin with was because it felt like the safest choice — that foolish, selfless mage who refused to look away from anyone who asked for his help… Who always saw what was worth saving in everyone, no matter how insignificant it could be… Who didn't turn on him even after Astarion drank his blood without his consent in the middle of the night.
Being with Gale was supposed to keep him safe. It wasn't supposed to hurt.
Against his better judgment, Astarion followed him.
"Gale."
Gale looked at him, and for a moment, Astarion couldn't find the words he wanted to say. He took a step closer, placing his hand on Gale's chest, where that cursed orb lay dormant just beneath his skin.
"Don't do this," he muttered. "No one deserves your sacrifice, not even a goddess."
His words made the cracks in that mask grow deeper. For a moment, Gale simply stared at him, and Astarion couldn't tell if there was relief in his expression, or resentment for making him doubt that choice.
"Have you considered that there may not be another way?" Gale asked in a low voice. "Believe me, I'd rather not die, either. But what other options do we have?"
"Aren't you the one always asking questions and finding answers to every single problem in our way? Don't stop doing that now just because she gave you an easy way out."
To his surprise, his words brought a faint smile to Gale's lips. "I thought you hated it when I did that."
"I do. You never shut up… It's infuriating." Astarion tried to force a growl of annoyance, but it sounded closer to an exhausted sigh. "I would miss it terribly if you were gone."
The worst part was knowing that he meant every word. Gale looked at him for a long while, and Astarion hated how he didn't have the faintest idea of what was going through his mind. Finally, Gale spoke in a low, much less confident voice.
"I just don't know what else to do."
"To be fair, I don't think any of us do. But we all seem to agree on something, at least."
Astarion paused, moving closer to Gale, holding his face in both hands, staring into his eyes.
"Don't do this," he repeated. "I don't care how much you want her forgiveness… It's not worth the price she's demanding."
"Even if I don't, it won't take this thing out of me."
"But something might." Astarion stepped back with a light shrug. "You never know… We have witnessed quite a number of unlikely events lately."
Gale smiled, seeming slightly amused. "It's rare for you to be this optimistic."
"Oh, true. But someone has to be, now that you are spitting all this depressing nonsense." He shook his head, looking at Gale. "Please, go back to your usual self… Being the Gale of the group is making me sick."
"You don't have the charm for it."
"I know you don't mean that, dear."
"I don't."
The expression on Gale's face made something twirl inside Astarion. He tried to come up with a witty response, but before he could, Gale spoke once again.
"I can't promise you it will never come to that," he said. "But I'll leave it as a last resort. Until then, we try to find another way."
"Fair enough, I suppose."
It was probably for the best not to push Gale any farther than that, at least for the time being. Despite the conversation having reached its clear end, however, Gale continued to look at him with a faint smile on his face.
"Is there something else?" asked Astarion.
Gale shook his head. "I didn't think…"
He stopped talking, making Astarion furrow his brow.
"What was that?"
Gale let out a small sigh. "I wasn't expecting you to… care so much about this. About me living or dying. If anything, I thought you would be relieved that we found an easy solution."
Those words stung more than he would ever admit. Astarion wanted to give him a sharp response, but instead, all that left his lips was, "You don't know me well enough, it seems."
"I suppose not."
Without another word, Gale reached for his face, lightly touching his cheek. Astarion held his hand against his face for a moment, then moved closer, leaning forward to kiss his lips. Gale put his arms around him, and Astarion did the same, neither of them letting go, even after they broke that light kiss. Gale rested his head on Astarion's shoulder, and after a second of hesitation, Astarion brought a hand to it, lightly feeling Gale's hair with his fingers. Then, with a sigh, Astarion lowered his head, resting it on Gale's shoulder as well, closing his eyes, allowing himself to relax into that warm feeling.
It was so strange… For how heated their words were just a few minutes prior, their embrace was surprisingly soothing. Neither search for pleasure nor need to satisfy, but something Astarion couldn't properly name — like a need to hold close, and nothing else… To make that moment last because it could very well be the last.
He wasn't supposed to care for Gale — not as much as he did, at least. From all the things that relationship could be, it wasn't supposed to feel so… sweet. So real.
Astarion already knew what it meant, of course, no matter how hard he tried to look away from it. And the unpredictability of it all was terrifying… He couldn't bear to think about all the ways it could go wrong, and how much it would hurt when it finally did. For the first time in almost two centuries, he found something that made him feel alive, and he hated it. He wished he never did… Not if it was going to feel like that.
They lay together on Gale's bedroll, simply holding each other close without a word, nor the need to turn that moment into anything else. Time passed like that, but Astarion's mind wouldn't allow him to rest. He knew Gale wasn't asleep either, but Astarion didn't try to talk to him, afraid of the words that would leave his mouth if he did it at that moment.