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Phil wasn't jealous, he wasn't envious, he didn't hold anything against anyone for having more than what he has. He was pretty certain that he stayed loyal to those morals. However, regardless, he can't help but feel… Disturbed, and ashamed. Of himself, of things he's always been ashamed of ever since he arrived on this island.
Because Jaiden has a beautiful pair of wings, they're clean, not a single scratch on them, she clearly takes good care of them. They're shiny in the sun, and they make a beautiful gradient of black and blue. Each one of her feathers is in perfect shape, and she nervously but joyfully shows them off while Foolish and Fit compliment her.
Phil let her have this moment, because it isn't about him and it would be selfish if he made it about him. Jaiden has always had her wings, the federation didn't even touch them, they were always that perfect. So even that fleeting moment of hope Phil felt when he thought she'd got them back, that maybe Cucurucho rewarded her with a brand new healthy set of wings, maybe he could have his restored too.
It was gone, his hope died immediately and he had to accept that fact as quickly as possible before it swallowed him whole. She always had wings, she was just hiding them.
More people had shown up without him noticing, self consciously, he pulled his crumpled feathers in until they folded messily against his back. He tried to hide them as well as he could, no one wanted to see how mutilated he was.
But before he could pull in his left wing, someone sat down beside him, and they were harsh about it, practically throwing themselves onto the bench and their back collided viciously with his mangled wing. He merely flinched, only because he could hardly feel anything in them anymore anyway. He had half a mind to be furious regardless, only, when he looked over to his left it suddenly all made a lot of sense.
It was Etoiles, when did he get here? Phil didn't know nor did he bother to try and remember. He wasn't sure if he was in the mood for Etoiles right now, but he was one persistent motherfucker so that didn't really matter. He straightened his spine and looked over at Phil with his bright eyes, a stupid smile on his face. He looked so frustratingly giddy to be in Phil's presence, that Phil almost felt bad for still being unhappy.
Etoiles didn't say a word, he shifted closer to Phil, and then even closer, until he was right next to him. He still didn't speak, he smiled at Phil again, like he was expecting something. When Phil didn't dignify him with a response, he let his face fall to a neutral expression and he turned away, he hunched forward and put a hand under his chin and stared off mindlessly at the others, who were still having a conversation without them. Phil looked ahead too, but his eyes focused more on the wall than at the people dancing around his vision. He knew what Etoiles was doing, to an extent, whether or not he'd let him get away with it was another question.
Phil wracked his jaw and gnawed his teeth, a nervous habit, he was anxious. There was one thing, one little thing that often made the two of them comfortable, and Etoiles, the evil bastard, was using it against him. He must have noticed something was wrong, Phil was either really bad at masking his discomfort, or Etoiles was just way too smart for his own good.
Very slowly and very hesitantly, Phil let his wing wiggle out of where Etoiles had pinned it. Now, he could just quickly tuck it away, but… Now he didn't want to, he let it hover for a moment, he tried to pretend he was just growing too tired to keep it up any longer. Very gently, he let his wing fall and it draped over Etoiles' back like a blanket. His feathers at the end, still their full length, curled around him neatly. It would be easy for the others to not notice, but he could see through the corner of his eye, a smile creeping on Etoiles face as he realized that he'd succeeded.
This wasn't strange for them, whenever he was alone with Etoiles he let his wings out, only because he trusted him to not look at him differently because of them. Etoiles liked his wings, as strange as that was to Phil, and he was clever, he knew Phil liked using them. So whenever he could fool him into it, he always tried to get Phil to let them out in the open.
But this was different, because that was only with Etoiles. Here, it made him nervous, to have his gross, tattered, torn apart wings out in the open while Jaiden had her shiny brand new ones visible to everyone. What if they noticed he was different? What if now that they'd seen how proper avians looked, they started to pity him?
At the same time, Phil liked this, he liked that his wings were wanted. It was almost like having a family again, protecting other avians with his wings was commonplace, he let them be free with his family. But ever since the first time he'd accidentally done it to Etoiles, he couldn't stop. Then he kept letting Phil do it until they got to a point where he was completely comfortable letting his wings breathe in his presence.
It's been like this since the start, ever since the first day when their plane crashed through the wall. Even though he didn't know him back then, he'd still been far kinder to Phil about his wings than he thought he probably ever deserved.
It started when the day grew quiet, when he finally got a moment alone with the new residents. Etoiles, despite having just received a child who he probably should have been more focused on, was repeatedly approaching Phil and trying to talk to him. He felt a little bad, because he'd been too busy and unfocused to acknowledge him. It was only when he went to show them the potato farm that Etoiles finally got a moment to talk to Phil like he seemed to so desperately want.
Phil was waiting for Baghera and Pomme to figure out how to climb up the wall. Etoiles decided the best course of action was to abruptly run his hand along his feathers, he was gentle about it, but regardless, he didn't ask, and it made Phil almost leap off the wall in shock.
He whipped around which made Etoiles back down as if he expected to be scolded for it. "No, no, I'm sorry! I forgot- my um- it was not polite."
"Huh?" Phil blinked, he was already folding his wings back up, he'd gotten too comfortable and let them out. "It's okay, just say something next time. Thought you were a mob or something."
He nodded thoughtfully, and his eyes glanced back at Phil's wings which immediately made him insecure. He was new here, Phil didn’t want his scars to make a bad impression on him. He wished he could hide them properly.
"Are you a bird?" Etoiles asked.
"What?" He gawked.
"A bird person?" Etoiles tried again.
Phil scoffed, he couldn't help but laugh at the clueless look on his face. "Yes, I'm an avian, I think that's what you mean."
Etoiles made a move to reach out and touch his wings again, but he pulled his hand back. That almost hurt Phil's ego more, he didn't even want to be near them anymore. God, they were hideous, weren't they?
"I think it is really amazing, they are dark! Like the night sky! They must be very beautiful." He commented. "It is very impressive, no? Yours are bigger than Bagheras-"
"Mate, what're you talking about?" Phil stared at him like he was insane, he sounded insane. "My… Wings are clipped, I can't fly."
"Oh... I'm sorry." He quietly commented. "They are still nice though."
"They're all fucked up." Phil crossed his arms uncomfortably.
"That is not important." Etoiles brushed him off. "They are still impressive, they must have been huge."
Phil tucked his wings in further, his ragged feathers prodded at his back and jutted out in every direction. "Yeah. Not anymore."
"And you live without them?" He asked.
Phil grimaced, he looked down, and damn it, those two were just barely halfway up. They wouldn't come up and save him from Etoiles.
Phil merely nodded slowly.
“That is impressive, is it not?”
“No.” Phil responded harshly. “It’s abnormal.”
“You do not often give yourself credit for things?” Etoiles looked him over as if he was analyzing his entire being.
“Has anyone ever told you you’re very blunt?” Phil chuckled, just to ease the tension he’d created.
“Yes.” He answered, but he wasn’t deterred.
Etoiles smiled politely back at him. "You are a very impressive bird, and those need wings to live a life, but you live without. For that, my friend, you are very strong, and you have already proved you are smart and powerful. You are double that strength." He explained, then glanced away. "You should not hide those, it's an honor to have them. They look very nice on you."
He began to walk around Phil to peer down the side of the wall. Phil was dumbfounded, that… felt like a genuine compliment? That felt like the first real time anyone has ever complimented his wings.
Etoiles leaned over the side of the wall, and Phil noticed that Baghera and Pomme were now about halfway up. In a teasing voice, he shouted what he could only hope were words of encouragement down at them.
Baghera shouted back at him in a much less friendly tone, so maybe he was wrong.
Just like that it seemed Etoiles had forgotten about Phil and he had directed his attention to something else, Baghera got all the way up and the two immediately began bickering about Pomme. So Phil couldn't really respond to what he'd just said. He stared non subtly at the pair arguing, and he felt his feathers prickle in distress at what he’d just said to him.
He was kind, he was just being friendly, he was new here after all. He had no idea the true extent of what the federation had done to his wings. Otherwise, he wouldn't be so nice. Phil summed it up to that, maybe he meant it, but that didn't mean he was right.
It went on that way, whenever Etoiles happened to catch Phil with his wings out, he would immediately congratulate him on showing them off. Oftentimes, he'd stretch them out further just to try and get a laugh out of him, but Etoiles only stared at them with wonder and amazement. It disturbed him, and he'd hastily tuck them away. Phil wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve, and he wasn't even sure he even liked it all that much. However, he didn't tell him to stop either.
The first time Phil ever willingly let his wings out around him, was in a moment of vulnerability. It had been less than a week since the fight at the election dinner. Phil found himself on the wall, he'd struggled to move on for a while, the constant thought of that… thing, impersonating his children. It haunted him for a very long time.
But Etoiles had joined him that night, he'd appeared at his warp unexpected, he might have needed something from Phil, but when he saw him sitting solemnly on the wall, he seemed to forget all about it, and he sat down beside him.
Phil told him everything, only because he promised to listen, he got carried away, and it wasn't until he was done and Etoiles hugged him that he made the big mistake. His arms felt too weak to properly reach out, so instead, he outstretched his wings and carefully wrapped them around the other man. Encasing them both in a safe little cocoon, where for a moment, Phil almost felt like nothing could hurt them.
But it felt right, Etoiles had been by his side in that fight, he’d aided him when he’d been forced to kill what looked like his own children. He understood more than anyone. Phil didn’t feel like a horrible person, forcing Etoiles to be in the presence of his fucked up wings, because Etoiles wanted to be there.
Then they pulled apart, and he smiled at Phil as if this were the best day of his life, patted him on the shoulder, and told him he was going to be okay.
It happened again, after Etoiles fought in the coliseum, when he had to kill a code that had impersonated Pomme, and kept her shape throughout the entire battle. He had felt lost and dazed, he wasn’t quite there. Even if he kept his usual demeanor and attitude, Phil could tell how guilty he felt about the whole thing. and that time, Phil had done it for him. Not for himself. He had folded his wings tightly around his friend, he grounded him, in hopes he’d never feel lost like that again.
From that day on, it didn't stop, Etoiles insisted he be proud of his wings, and somehow, he almost was. Not fully, probably never to a full extent, but it was enough.
It was their small thing, if they were exploring together, Phil let his wings stretch freely to their full length, he let the wind breeze through his damaged feathers and allow them to flutter even if he'd never take off. When he was feeling down, Etoiles would lean in close and let Phil fold his wing around him. Something about it was comforting, Phil liked it, he liked that even in this state his wings could still make someone feel safe. And even if eventually Etoiles was not the only one he let see them, he was still by far the only one who actively asked to see them so often.
There was something nice about it. Something that made him feel a little less worthless. He would never fly, and he would probably never be able to fully live with that fact, but they were still a part of him. He still needed them, even if they were damaged. He still didn't like to show them off, he didn't want to be looked at or judged.
However, maybe just this one time, just because he was asked, he'd let them be seen, just for a moment.