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“I knew you were spending too much time with Harry,” Zayn says as he props their front door open and carefully extracts the tiny girl from Louis’ arms. “You can’t just steal babies, Louis.”
Louis shuffles in carefully, arms and shoulders weighed down by multiple duffels and Tesco bags, one gripped tightly between his teeth. In retrospect, Louis thinks it may have been smarter to make multiple trips back and forth to the car, instead of loading himself up like a pack mule but he’s managed pretty well if he does say so himself. So he might have accidentally locked his keys in the car but Zayn has a spare so he can deal with that later.
“Help!” He yelps careful not to let the plastic bag between his teeth slip out.
Zayn, who is busy making silly faces at the now giggling baby, reaches out a hand and tugs said plastic bag out of Louis’ mouth and tosses it on the counter.
“Yeah, don't worry about me mate,” Louis sasses, attempting to shift around the weight of multiple bags now that the child is no longer acting as a counterweight. “I'm fine.”
“Oh shut up, you big baby,” Zayn says, but reaches out and tugs two of the heavier duffels from Louis and slings them over his own shoulder with far too much ease for Louis’ liking. “One baby is plenty, isn’t that right sweetheart?” He coos.
Zayn is rewarded with the biggest grin Louis has seen on the little girl so far. It instantly tops Louis’ top cutest things he has ever witnessed, ever. So far, things are working out, Zayn and baby are both getting along swimmingly. It will make things much easier if he just lets her work her charm and appeal to Zayn’s love of all things small and cute.
Louis strategically drops all the bags he is relatively sure contain nothing breakable and shuffles into their small kitchen to deposit the remaining bags of assorted baby necessities on their tiny 2 seater dining table. He sorts through them quickly, pulling out the items that need to be refrigerated. He has to shove the beer and eggs and is that spinach? And tomatoes? Zayn is definitely in a cooking mood today because Louis can't even remember the last time he even visited the produce aisle. Nonetheless, he manages to clear some space for baby food and breastmilk. Formula goes in the cupboard, away from the sugar so Zayn doesn't accidentally add it to his tea in a sleepy daze...
Tea. He could really go for a cup right now. He turns on the kettle, scouring through the cupboard for 2 regular sized cups and the gigantic novelty mug Niall had given him for his birthday. He then goes about collecting tea, milk, a bottle of the breast milk he had just put away, honey and spoons so he only has to wait a moment before the kettle is ready. He pours the hot water halfway up the giant mug, loosens the top on the bottle and drops it in, then turns his attention to making tea. Difficult conversations are always a little easier with a good cuppa.
Okay, he thinks to himself as he let's the tea steep, now for the hard part.
Somehow he must have swallowed a flock of butterflies because he's not nervous or anything. Why should he be? It’s not like he recently discovered he had a baby and decided, without consulting his best friend and flatmate, that she would be living with them indefinitely.... He doesn't regret his choice, he's already completely in love with her but the drive from Doncaster had him realizing more and more how little he had thought this through. It's one thing for Zayn to support his friends decision to take in his daughter but it’s something completely different to share space with said child. Babies are not the most conducive to sleep and Zayn really loves his sleep.
That’s just silly, Louis thinks to himself. Zayn loves him more than sleep. More than most things, actually, so naturally Zayn will love his daughter just as much. He already does by the sound of laughter he can hear from the sofa. He's fairly certain that Zayn will support him, even be proud of him for taking responsibility but he really hopes that Zayn won't be disappointed that he's even in this situation to begin with. Because that would be much, much worse. The very idea of Zayn shaking his head sadly at Louis' stupidity is more gut wrenching than Zayn calling him out could ever be. Zayn and maybe his mum to a slightly lesser degree have always been the only two people in the world who can make him think twice before he acts. Although, in this case there isn’t much he can do about it now...
Tea is done, milk is warm, time to face the music. He finds Zayn sitting on the sofa with the baby laying in his lap, making sweet silly faces at her. She seems to be going through moments of staring transfixed at Zayn and giggling delightedly at his faces. Every now and again, she will reach out a tiny hand and brush her fingers against the scruff along Zayn's jaw. She has a look of complete wonder in her eyes and Louis can completely relate on so many levels. He should have guessed of course that his daughter would also fall for Zayn within moments of meeting him. He would have to have a serious chat with that girl. Louis has enough competition as it is.
Zayn takes the bottle as Louis sets the tea down on the coffee table.
“Hungry, Lana?” Zayn asks.
Lana reaches greedily for the bottle, then settles in Zayn's arms, suckling happily.
“How did you know her name?” Louis wonders aloud.
Zayn waves her little wrist at him and Louis realizes for the first time that her tiny handmade bracelet, clearly and lovingly made by her mother, has her name spelled out in colourful beads. They watch Lana drink in silence and it’s kind of surreal and domestic, which is amazing and definitely not what Louis has imagined his future to contain. It’s also terrifying because this could very well be the beginning of the end of those very fantasies. He knows he’s getting ahead of himself but he can't help the feeling any more than he can help the look on his face that Zayn picks up on right away.
“Alright, babe?” Zayn asks.
Lana shifts in his arms, bottle almost finished. Her eyes are beginning to get heavy. Zayn takes the bottle from her and sets it aside then burps her gently against his shoulder. Within moments she is sleeping soundly, hand clutching tightly at Zayn shirt, like she doesn't quite trust he will still be there when she wakes up. Louis relates so well to his little girl that it's kind of devastating. He kind of wants to do the same, curl up in Zayn’s lap and cling like his sanity depends on it.
Louis doesn’t wait for Zayn to ask, just launches straight into the tale.
Salma was an international student who lived down the hall from Stan. At Christmas last year, when Louis has gone back to Doncaster for a few days, they had fooled around and obviously contraception wasn’t 100%. She had Lana with every expectation of putting her up for adoption but couldn’t go through with it once she held her little girl in her arms. Even so, Salma was a realist; she had strict, religious parents back home. It was already a huge achievement that they allowed her to study abroad and she didn’t take that education for granted. Somehow, she managed school, work and caring for Lana all on her own for the past 6 months. Now, with only her final year of Uni left, she was dealt a shattering blow. Her father had been in an accident, it was likely to be fatal, and it would leave her mother and 2 younger siblings alone. She was needed at home but how would she bring her illegitimate daughter with her? She couldn’t burden her grieving mother any more than necessary. Gossip and rumours were more destructive than bullets in the world where her mother lived. Where women were seldom more than wives and mothers, reputation was all her mother had.
Which left her with 2 options:
1 - Stay in the UK, continue school and work, splitting her meager paycheck between her daughter and her mother which would undoubtedly lead to her moving into a smaller flat in a much shittier part of town. Eventually she would be forced to quit school so she could work insane hours and get paid under the table because she only had a student visa.
2 - Give up her daughter, return home, get a job as a resident doctor in gynecology at a local hospital (far more accessible to her with even a partial foreign education in medicine,) support her family, hope/trust that Lana would find a loving family to take care of her and give her a happy life until one day when Salma could get her own life in order, find her again and hopefully be able to make amends.
Louis gave her another option:
3- She could give him full custody, let him take care of her, give him full rights to make decisions in case of illness and travel and so on. Lana would be with her father, Salma could be with her mother and when she figured things out then they would revisit the custody thing and see what was best for Lana. It also gave her a constant line of communication with her baby so she would at least be able to monitor how she was doing.
Zayn is quiet throughout the story, and even after Louis is done saying his bit, Zayn remains thoughtful. Perhaps it’s because Louis is already so nervous but where he would usually understand that Zayn is trying to sort out his thoughts, Louis perceives it as Zayn trying to find the words to let him down easily.
“So,” Louis ventures unable to deal with the silence any longer. “I understand if you want... Because this isn’t really fair to you… I mean, I kinda made the decision on the spur of the moment and didn’t really consider… I understand if you want to...”
“Finish that sentence, Tommo and I will kick your big, shapely arse,” Zayn says.
Louis doesn’t really know what to say to that.
“Did you really think that I would bail?” Zayn continues. “She already likes me more anyway.”
“Hey!”
“You’re such an idiot but I’m so proud of you, Boo. Partners in crime remember? I’m not going anywhere.”
Louis sags with relief. He wants to throw himself at Zayn and snog him senseless and not in the way he usually does. The magnitude of if Zayn had flipped out on him and walked out flashes through his mind and Louis feels like the weight that he had refused to acknowledge on the drive home has lifted. Zayn puts Lana down on the sofa, propping pillows all around her and tugs Louis into his arms.
“I love you!” Louis whispers, voice thick with emotion. It seems like such a trivial short sentence for the depth of emotion Louis feels about this man.
“Love you too, babe,” Zayn whispers. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”
Louis believes him, because if Zayn is with him, they can do anything, even something as terrifying as raising a baby.
***
Later that night, as Louis is giving Lana a bath in the sink and Zayn is trying to google a PDF of the instructions for assembling Lana’s playpen, Niall calls and asks where they are meeting. Zayn who has all but forgotten about their plans, pulls up what looks to be the correct set of instructions whilst balancing the phone to his ear.
“Sorry Niall, but I don’t think we can make it out tonight. Kinda got our hands full here.”
“What the hell is more important than drinking?” Niall exclaims.
“Trying to figure out how to put this playpen together. This is the worst set of instructions I’ve ever seen.”
“Uhhh... Why are you setting up a playpen?”
“For the baby, obviously,” Zayn says distractedly. He shuffles through the parts trying to find the proper screws the pile of hardware when someone all but crashes into their front door. “What the…?”
“Sorry,” Niall sighs. “Harry heard the word baby and was out the door before I could stop him.”
“LOUIS! ZAYN! Why is your door locked? I can’t get in!”
“Kinda the point,” Louis calls out as he turns the deadbolt, a freshly bathed Lana perched on his hip. “It’s to keep psychos like you out!”
The door swings open and Harry’s eyes grow wide with delight.
“You have a baby,” he breathes, staring at Lana in fascination. “Where did she come from?”
Zayn can’t see from where he is still fiddling with the playpen but he can just imagine Louis rolling his eyes.
“Harold, you’re a little old for the birds and the bees talk.”
“Is she yours?” Harry asks ignoring the snark.
“Of course she’s mine!” Louis snaps and tries to slam the door shut in Harry’s face.
“Wait,” Harry says, pressing his palm flat against the door. “Can I hold her?”
Louis growls, pushing as hard as he can while balancing Lana is his arms. Curse Harry and his large cumbersome frame, he isn’t evening trying, just standing there like a large unmoving dope with a big, soft smile on his face.
“Please,” Harry says. “I promise, I’ll behave.”
Louis narrows his eyes suspiciously but after a dramatic pause for effect, he reluctantly relents. Harry is wonderful with babies, has a heart of absolute gold and as infuriating as he can be, Louis can’t help but give in to him. Lana however is a bit more reluctant, eyeing Harry with a little frown as she is handed over, like she hasn’t quite figured out if she trusts him yet.
“Are you sure she isn’t Zayns?” Harry asks, cuddling her close.
Louis makes an indignant scoff. “Yes, Harry, I think I know my own daughter!”
“But she looks like Zayn and a little bit of you mixed together and she’s glaring at me all suspicious, just like Zayn when he meets someone new.”
“As she should!” Louis exclaims. “One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made letting you stick around!”
Harry coos at Lana, not affected at all by Louis words. “Is she, like both of yours?”
Zayn laughs aloud at that. Actually has to stop building the playpen because it’s just too ridiculous.
“That… That’s not even possible!” Louis growls.
“Except, if it was, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind at all,” Harry whispers cheekily into Louis ear.
Louis goes a little red and kicks Harry in the shin.
“Ouch! Louis, I’m holding a baby here!”
“Holy shit, it’s a baby,” comes Niall’s voice from behind Harry. “Did you steal her?” Niall asks Harry.
“Don’t swear around the baby, Niall,” Harry says covering her ears by cupping one giant hand around her head. “And no, she’s Louis’.”
“Did you steal her?” Niall asks Louis instead.
“Oh, for fucks sake!”
“Louis!” Harry says raising his eyebrows scoldingly. “Baby!”
“Her name is Lana,” Louis snaps. “Stop calling her baby.”
“Is she yours?” Niall insists. “Or is she Zayns? Honestly she looks more like Zayn except with your eyes. She’s like a mix of both of you.”
“See,” Harry says to Louis. “I was just saying that.”
“She’s mine!” Louis snaps crossing his arms petulantly.
“But she’s so cute though,” Niall says pinching her cheek gently as he walks past Harry.
“What is that supposed to… Zayn, we need better friends!”
“Nah, mate,” Niall says giving Louis’ shoulder a squeeze before flopping down to give Zayn a hand with the playpen. “You love us.”
Louis groans. He goes to the kitchen to put on the kettle.
“Liam’ll be here in 10,” Niall calls after him. “He’ll want a cup too.”
“Great…” Louis mumbles. “Just perfect.”
Louis loves Liam. He really does, despite how much shit he gives Liam, he really and truly thinks he’s a fantastic friend but that doesn’t stop Louis from dreading the moment Liam finds out about Lana. Liam will mean well and everything he will tell Louis will be logical and reasonable and make Louis feel like utter shite even though he actually did the right thing this time.
***
“I’m just saying,” Liam insists, “babies take a lot of work.”
He’s spent the first 30 minutes after arrival baby-proofing their flat despite Lana not being able to crawl yet. And after that, the past 20 minutes in full on lecture mode, just as Louis had predicted. Louis is getting tired of defending himself besides, what else was he supposed to do? Just let Lana go to some stranger?
“And you can’t expect her to cope that easily to being away from her mother and her home and everything she knows just like that.”
“I know that, Liam! I have taken care of my 102 younger siblings all my life. It’s not like I expected this to be a walk in the park.”
“Do you even have a stroller? A crib? She can’t just sleep in the playpen all the time.”
“Oh my god, Liam! Leave it. We’re fine.”
“We could always go to OxFam if you needed stuff for cheap. I have a friend who is trying to get rid of her baby things now that her little boy is off to school…”
Niall throws a piece of popcorn at Liam’s head. “Oi, shut up already! We’ve heard this like 15 times already. Even I’m getting sick of hearing it.”
“Niall, don’t throw popcorn!” Harry fusses. “What if Lana picks it up and tries to eat it?”
“You see? This is why I’m concerned!” Liam insists. “You can’t just go from being a lad one day to full on parent mode the next. Even if you do have taken care of your siblings.”
“What the hell do you want me to do, Liam?” Louis snaps. “You think I’m going to just fucking decide one night, hey, Liam was right and I can’t take care of her so I’ll just leave her at the park and hope for the best?”
Liam looks horrified. “No! Louis, I’m not trying to say you aren’t going to do your best.”
“It sure as fuck sounds that way to me!”
He’s almost at the point of lashing out. Even though he knows Liam doesn’t mean to offend or hurt him, it feels like a barrage of personal attacks on Louis’ ability to function as a responsible adult. And maybe there is a grain of truth to the matter because Louis is already readying a biting response that will cut deep and probably have Liam avoiding him for months. It can’t be helped, he’s always been the most brutal when he’s defensive.
Luckily for everyone, Zayn recognizes Louis’ tipping point. While he will generally let Louis sort out his own problems, he’s not about to let Liam’s well meaning worrying and Louis inability to connect his reason with his mouth when riled up sabotage years of friendship.
“Liam,” Zayn says with a look that has Liam cringing immediately. There is no real explanation for it but Zayn is the only person who can shut Lecturing Liam up with a single look. “Piss off, yeah mate? Louis’ been doing great and he isn’t doing this alone.”
Louis wants to kiss him. He always wants to kiss him but he wants to kiss him even more than usual right now. It’s becoming a concern. He’s spent years trying to keep those feelings under wraps but introduce a baby, Zayn using his protective Daddy voice and Louis is ready to kick the boys out and drag Zayn into the bedroom.
“I just worry,” Liam says quietly. “And you never ask for help even though we would all do anything for you.”
“Well I don’t need help!” Louis snaps a little too defensively. “I’m not the first single parent in existence and I won’t be the last. I’m fine!”
Surprisingly, Liam does indeed let it go. He tries to play with Lana but she snuggles Louis protectively and frowns at Liam the entire visit. Zayn thinks it’s hilarious and when Louis sees how disconcerted Liam is, he takes it as his cue to tease Liam mercilessly. Liam reasons that it must be because Louis is projecting his frustrations and that must have her all defensive. Louis can’t deny that, not that he will admit it, but he does start to relax and Lana eventually realizes that Liam isn’t so bad afterall.
***
When Louis’ family comes down the first time to meet Lana, everything is a little chaotic. There are too many people in their small flat and Lana quickly feels overwhelmed. It’s the first time she’s been around so many people and every single person in Louis’ family is a character. It takes awhile to calm her down and she doesn’t want to be held by anyone other than Zayn or Louis for the first hour but with a little coercing, she is finally okay with being coddled by the exuberant group.The twins (both sets) are completely enamoured with their new playmate and Lottie and Fizzy are absolutely gushing. Jay’s husband is strangely nowhere to be found but Jay dismisses any questions with, “He’s working.”
Louis finds this suspicious and knows immediately that they’ve hit a rough patch. He makes a mental note to ask her about it when they have a little more privacy.
They order pizza and Louis manages to fight off the endless stream of parenting advice from all the well meaning women in his family. He chats with the girls about school and dance and what games they are playing at the moment while watching in amusement as they all try not to swoon over Zayn. It makes his heart swell that Zayn is charming and chatty with all of them, like he fits right into their circus of a family. It’s not fair, Louis thinks, it feels like he falls a little more in love with Zayn every day.
Lana does rather well for her first exposure to the boisterous Tomlinson/Deakin clan. She is currently perched on Jay’s lap, while Jay talks a mile a minute about which is the best brand of nappies. She doesn’t notice that Lana is getting restless and overtired, nor that Daisy has not said a single word for the past 2 hours, despite Louis’ best efforts to pull her out of her shell, nor that Ernie and Dory have also been trying to get her attention by pulling on either of her trouser legs simultaneously.
“Lottie, Fizzy, can you take care of the twins,” She says absently and doesn’t wait for an answer before she continues her rant about which brand of nappies is best and which brand she would never purchase again no matter how cheap and absorbent they claimed to be.
She’s always had a bit of tunnel vision when it came to babies, Louis thinks and it must be very difficult for her to manage so many children at once. Still, it niggles at Louis in a way that it has for years but he is quickly pushes it away. She has a lot to deal with, he reminds himself.
Zayn is starting to reach his threshold of dealing with the crowd as well. He politely excuses himself, explaining that he has work early in the morning and that he should get some shut eye. Lana reaches for him the moment he stands and with a little convincing, and a large yawn from the baby, Jay reluctantly relinquishes her granddaughter to Zayn.
They leave shortly after and Louis has to admit, it went rather better than he had expected.
***
There are many things Louis expected when he took Lana in and very few surprises but he’s coped pretty well if he does say so himself. He’s great at dealing with all the things Lana needs. He has never been more happy for his boring paper pushing job at the minister of education. Although it definitely is not what Louis wants to do with the rest of his life, it pays well and to his ultimate surprise, it had provided him with 6 months of paid parental leave. Working for the government certainly has it’s perks.
Life with Lana is wonderful. She’s bright and curious, always interactive when being talked to and happy to explore on her own when Zayn or Louis need a moment’s rest. She has Louis’ mischievous smile and uses her big doe eyes when she wants something they are reluctant to give her. Louis swears that she’s secretly an evil genius but Liam assures him that’s impossible at her age.
The boys have all fallen all over themselves for her, spending more nights in than going out and bringing her presents every time they come to visit. Liam regularly emails Louis with links to community programs from playgroups and story times to postpartum yoga, much to Louis’ annoyance. Harry has taken to preparing Lana an array of homemade organic, gourmet baby food, insisting that she only eat the very best of everything. He’s also taken to aggressively offering his babysitting services and dropping not so subtle hints of the current films and concerts that they absolutely could not miss. Meanwhile, Niall has made it his mission to ensure that when she speaks, she will have an Irish accent. It’s all about consistency, he tells her, laying on the accent as thick as he would if he were chatting with his mates back home. The boys all tease him for it but a month later when her first word is “craic” Niall will beam like the proud uncle he is and gladly take Harry’s money along with bragging rights that he’s the favorite uncle.
And Zayn…Louis can only describe it as the sweetest pain he has ever experienced in his life. He is fairly certain that Zayn and Lana will be the very death of him. They are so cute together, it literally hurts his heart. Firstly, Lana appreciates naps and sleep just as much as Zayn does so it isn’t uncommon for Louis to walk into the room and find them cuddled on the sofa snoozing peacefully. He may have far too many pictures stored on his phone of his two favorite people enjoying their favorite pastime. Louis can’t even begin to believe how incredibly lucky he is that Lana loves sleep as much as Zayn although he does wonder if it has to do with the power of suggestion. Lana interest are eerily similar to everything that Zayn loves.
As a result, Zayn will read to her from books far beyond her grasp. Sometimes he will pause in his reading to say to her “right, Lana?” She will then nod her head solemnly as if she understands perfectly the major causes of global warming and how they have little to nothing to do with the use of a reusable shopping bag. Sometimes, when Zayn is sitting on the sofa reading the paper, Lana will tug one of her picture books into her lap and flip through the pages thoughtfully, a perfect mini replica of one of her favorite people. And when Zayn comes home one day with big chunky crayons, they end up spending hours filling blank pages with bright scribbly lines that Louis tacks all over the refrigerator proudly. Saturday mornings are spent in front of the telly watching countless episodes of the Justice League and bedtimes are a piece of cake when Zayn will lull her to sleep with beautiful, melodious ballads.
When they are out, they are so often treated like a family that they’ve stopped bothering to deny it. Zayn will now just wrap his arm around Louis’ waist when the cashier at the Tescos exclaims what a beautiful daughter they have. Louis has to remind himself constantly that they aren’t really a couple despite the fact that he is falling ever harder every day. It isn’t easy because he’s been in love with Zayn since they were teens. He tries to remind himself that Zayn will eventually fall in love and have all this with some lucky woman and an even luckier little girl or boy who will get to call him Daddy. It’s silly being jealous of one of Zayn’s hypothetical future offspring but he can’t help but wonder how Lana will take it when the day comes. She is already so completely in love with Zayn that she can barely take her eyes off of him. Louis understands her on a deep and spiritual level.
“Get in queue,” Louis tells her conspiringly one day as she stares at Zayn getting ready for the day. “I’ve been waiting for years.”
Lana turns to him, large expressive eyes staring curiously at the secrecy in his tone.
“I’ve worked long and hard to keep his other admirers at bay,” he continues. “You can’t just waltz in here, cute as anything and steal his heart away. That’s just not fair.”
Lana tilts her head to the side, and eyes seem to grow soft with sympathy.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Louis exclaims defensively. “It’s not as easy as you think it is.”
He’s not sure if she understands but she reaches out and pets his face gently, like she’s seen Zayn do every time he goes off on a senseless rant. Louis can’t tell whether it’s adorable or if he’s completely outraged. He stares at her for a moment, his cheeks actually going red.
“Oh, shut up,” he grumps in a half laugh and scoops her up, tickling until she’s squealing in delight. “You’re not allowed to be this smart so early on.”
It feels like it’s all been a bit too easy and Louis simply is not used to everything going so smoothly. Before long, he begins to carry around a sense of dreadful anticipation, like at any moment, he’s expecting the other shoe to drop.
And it does, sort of…
When Lana starts teething, their perfect balance gets a little out of sorts. It’s one morning at breakfast when Louis notices that Lana is a little cranky and hasn’t touched the veggie puffs she usually scarfs down greedily. He kneels before her and picks one up, guiding the little treat to her lips when she bites him. Hard.
“Fuck!” Louis exclaims tugging his finger out from between her gums. He’s mostly just shocked but she had clamped down pretty hard and his finger throbs painfully. Sucking the digit soothingly into his own mouth, he looks back at her and sees her eyes wide with unshed tears, her little lips trembling.
“Oh, babe,” he whispers, lifting her out of her seat and hugging her close.
Whether it’s guilt, surprise or simply her aching gums, Louis can’t tell because despite the cuddles Lana begins wailing uncontrollably.
“Shhhh! It’s okay, Lana! I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s alright,” Louis soothes as best as he can, stoking her hair. “Don’t cry, love.”
He rocks her, cuddles her, offers her the binky, her favorite stuffed elephant and her bottle but Lana just wails louder. Try as he might, all of Louis’ efforts are all in vain. He’s frustrated with himself because he should be able to handle this. He can feel his own heartbeat pick up and his anxiety levels rise, knows it won’t do anything to soothe her, that she’ll only pick up on it and feel worse but he can’t help it. He really hopes Harry doesn’t show up for an impromptu visit right now. Or worse, Liam. He can already imagine the “I told you so” face Liam will have ready for him. He growls in frustration because screw Liam and his judgement! He can handle this and it doesn’t make him a bad father!
“What going on?” Comes Zayn’s sleep laced voice from the doorway.
Louis spins ready with an apology on his lips when Lana perks up. She squirms frantically in his arms, tiny hands reaching out for Zayn. Louis can’t even pretend that doesn’t hurt. It feels like a dart into his heart when Zayn makes his way closer and relieves him of the crying little girl. One of her arms loops around Zayn’s neck and the other grabs a fistful of his shirt. It’s not unusual, she does it often and it’s never bothered Louis before. Lana is still fussing but she isn’t crying anymore. Zayn runs his fingers through her hair, echoing the very words Louis had said moments before except this time Lana settles. Zayn offers her the binky and she clamps down on it immediately, chewing with gusto.
Louis must look as lost and broken as he feels because Zayn catches on immediately.
“What happened?” Zayn asks gently, brushing the hair out of Louis’ eyes.
“She bit me,” Louis says and it sounds so lame, even to his own ears. “She’s never done that before. I was just… surprised.”
Zayn’s hand cups the back of Louis’ neck and he squeezes firmly. Louis lets out a shuddering breath as some of the tension melts away. Zayn repeats the motion, shifting his hand to the juncture where Louis neck meets his shoulder, massaging where Louis needs it the most. Louis goes to cuddle in but hesitates wondering if he will set Lana off again. Zayn uses the hand on his shoulder to tug him in anyway. Louis wraps his arms around both of them, needing them both so much. Lana looks up at him, her eyes wet and full of apology. He smiles at her and kisses her forehead, happy in that moment that his daughter doesn’t actually hate him.
All seems well after that except it isn’t, really. The “incident” as Louis refers to it in his own mind has set off all the insecurities and anxiety he has worked so hard to get under control. Suddenly, all the unsolicited advice he receives from literally every person on the planet feels like a slap in face. It never bothered him before but since when did complete strangers feel the right or need to approach him with the most random, irrelevant banter. He nearly snaps when an old lady tells him he needs to bundle her up tighter, despite the balmy weather.
Lana picks up on his anxiety immediately and is drawn more and more to Zayn’s calm demeanor because of it. Louis knows it’s happening. He knows why it’s happening but he can’t make it stop. From the outside, he is a boisterous and obnoxious as usual, even more so as Liam has suddenly taken to steering well clear of his path. Harry will give him questioning looks but has never said a word. Niall is impossible to be upset with, still dropping in consistently and chatting in an accent so thick that both Louis and Zayn have to listen very carefully to decipher.
On the inside, Louis is in utter turmoil. He cringes at the memory of the sleepless night last week where Lana’s teething pain had been at a pinnacle and the only way to soothe her was walking her up and down the flat, bouncing her gently. At some point they had both managed to fall asleep. Come morning, Zayn had taken it upon himself to care for the fussy baby so that Louis could have a lie in. Unfortunately, when Louis did wake up, it was in a panic as he didn’t immediately see or hear Lana. A quick search of the flat revealed that both Lana and Zayn were indeed not there. Louis was on the verge of calling the police, when Zayn came in, carrying Lana in one arm and a bag of croissants in the other. Had Louis been a little less sleep deprived, he would have sighed in relief but it had been a terrible night, and Louis’ imagination has gotten the best of him in the 15 minutes he’s been awake.
“Where the fuck have you been!?” He all but screams in Zayn’s face.
He snatches Lana out of Zayn’s arms but she has never seen him like this before and is unsurprisingly terrified. She lets out a wail and reaches for Zayn who takes her back without a word. Once back in his arms, Lana turns wide, frightened eyes on her father and it seems to shock Louis back into his right mind.
“Louis,” Zayn says, careful but firm. “What's wrong?”
Louis can’t seem to shake the fear in Lana’s eyes. She’s afraid of him. His daughter is afraid of him… Oh, God, what had he done?
“I woke up and she wasn’t there. I thought… I didn’t…”
Zayn pats his cheek gently. “I sent you a text, love. I wanted to let you sleep in. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” Louis says but he isn’t sure who he is saying it to. To Lana for scaring her, to Zayn for yelling, he wants to call Salma and apologize too because what kind of father is he?
“Louis, calm down. Just breathe, babe. It’s okay.”
Lana reaches for him tentatively and this time when Louis holds her she doesn’t pull away. All the bad feelings seem to flood over Louis at once. He clings to her, eyes going blurry with unshed tears. Louis chooses to repress the embarrassing things he says after that. What’s important is that Zayn doesn’t hold it against him and they spend the rest of the day being domestic and disgustingly cute, like a real family.
****
Louis makes the dreaded mistake of calling his mother one night when Lana is teething hard and Zayn has gone to visit his mum for the weekend.
“What do you usually do?” Jay asks after exhausting her list of ideas.
“Zayn usually sings to her.”
“Have you tried?”
“Of course I have, mum, but I can’t sing like Zayn does.”
“Have you tried calling him?”
“Yes, mum,” he huffs.
“Well, it’s no use snapping at me,” she bristles.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just so tired!”
“Do you have a massage wand? Might help relax her.”
“No.”
“Anything else that vibrates?”
“Nothing that hasn’t been up my bum!”
“Oh, Louis, honestly!”
“What,” Louis giggles. “You asked.”
“Incorrigible!” She sighs. “I saw a vibrating teething ring in the store today. You can pop it in the freezer and it should stimulate her gums and ease the pain.”
“Wonderful,” Louis says sarcastically. “That’ll be very useful in the future when she doesn’t need it anymore.”
“Enough of your sass, young man,” she reprimands.
“Learned it from you. Don’t know what else you were expecting.”
“When does Zayn come back?”
“Sunday!” Louis complains, “what are we supposed to do until then?”
“Don’t be silly, love. Zayn doesn’t owe you anything. He’s just your roommate.”
“Zayn is not just my roommate!”
“Yes, yes, I know. One day you will fall in love and live out some fantasy fairytale.”
“Mum!”
“Oh, now who’s embarrassed? Apparently talking about sex toys with your mum is fine but mention your not so secret pining and you get all…”
“Can we focus on the problem at hand here, mother? My daughter is trying to gnaw her arm off!”
“It’s fine, she won’t actually hurt herself. Tell you what, I’ll drive out to see you first thing in the morning and we’ll sort this out.”
“Mum, you don’t have to…”
“Not another word. This is a family affair and you should learn to rely on family instead of dumping your problems on your friends. Would make even more sense if you moved back home.”
“Muummmmm! Not this again.”
“I’m just saying, 3.5 hours from your family is no short trip. What would you do in case of an emergency? Your friends are lovely but you can’t expect them to put their lives on hold and come to your aid at a moment’s notice… Especially poor Zayn. If we’re realistic about it, he hasn’t had a boyfriend since high school. I know he’s not for labelling but it’s foolhardy to assume he is bisexual when he’s only dated girls since the two of you have lived together. One day he will eventually find a girl who will want to build a family with him and where will that leave you? I had my parents around to help when you were a...”
“Shhhh! I think your nagging has actually put her to sleep! Thanks a bunch, Mum. Talk to you later. Goodnight.”
Louis disconnects before she can get another word in.
***
“Open wide, Lana,” Louis sing songs buzzing the spoon at her like an airplane.
She’s half finished the bowl of mushy peas when they hear the front door open. They glance at one another, eyes wide and a smile stretching across their faces.
“Where’s my granddaughter?” Jay calls coming around the corner.
She is just in time to see their shoulders droop and the disappointment in their eyes.
“Oh, it’s just you, mum,” Louis says, standing to kiss her dutifully on the cheek.
“Well that’s a fine way to greet your mother,” she frowns dumping a large bag on the table beside them. “I only drove 3 and a half hours down and brought you presents…”
She begins pulling baby things out of the bag as she speaks, huffing dramatically but there is no real hurt in her words. She is only making a fuss for the sake of it. Louis is well aware of where he gets his own sass from, so he rolls his eyes. Lana watches them around another spoonful of peas.
Jay starts putting away all the things she has brought; formula, jarred baby food, Yorkshire tea for him (insisting it tastes better when it’s bought in Yorkshire,) toddler biscuits, rice rusks… She stores them wherever she thinks they belong, pausing once or twice to reorganize things that she thinks are in the wrong spot. It drives Zayn mad so Louis makes a note to put it all back in the right place before he comes home tomorrow. It’s one of her bad habits, the kitchen back home always has to be organized the way she wants it and beware the poor soul who puts something where it doesn’t belong. That alone has begun more arguments than he can count growing up. Louis has long since given up on arguing with her but it has always been a hot topic for the men she brought home. He can’t say he didn’t agree with the last one who insisted that tea cups should be kept next to the tea however when Jay insisted that if she was going to do most of the cooking, she would damn well also determine how she organized her kitchen. There was no meeting her half-way, you either accepted it or you moved on.
“Where are the others?” Louis asks.
“At home,” She calls from the hallway where she storing more nappies and wipes in the closet.
“Who has the babies?”
“Their father does. I thought it would be nice if we spent the day together, just the three of us.”
Their father? Louis thinks. Oh, no. He doesn’t like the sound of that. Nor how she can’t meet his eyes, or that she can’t keep still. The moment Lana has finished her peas, she scoops her out of her high chair.
“Give us a minute, Mum,” Louis grumbles, wet towel in hand.
Jay simply takes the towel from him and sets about cleaning Lana up.
“Have you eaten, yet?” She asks.
“No, we were going to go out and pick up some pasta.”
“Oh, you can’t take her out in this weather,” Jay scolds. “She’ll catch her death.”
“I wasn’t planning on rolling her around in the snow!”
“All the same, you go ahead to the store and I will stay here with her. Have a little girls time, shall we sweetheart?”
Lana looks dubiously at Louis, who sends her a reassuring smile and goes to pull on his shoes and jacket.
“Alright, but she is due for a nap soon. We’ve been reading her The Hobbit. You’ll find it next to her crib. I won’t be long.”
“Take your time, love. If you want to go out for a bit with your mates, that’s fine too.”
***
Louis ends up going to Nandos with Harry and Niall which is wonderful in ways he hadn’t realized he missed. He wouldn’t trade Lana for the world but it’s easy to forget that he’s only 24 sometimes. Still, as soon as his plate is clear, he misses Lana so much that he absolutely has to go home. Niall and Harry follow but not before they’ve made a visit to the bakery. Niall isn’t about to skip dessert because Louis is feeling maternal.
When they get back, the flat is spotless and smells of stew. It’s nice having his mum here, Louis thinks but feels guilty immediately. She is needed far more back home. He is old enough to take care of himself, he shouldn’t be troubling her when his sisters and Ernie actually depend on her. He wants to talk to her about her marriage too because Lottie had texted him the other day that they were arguing constantly. Louis has long since given up on the very idea of marriage but his mother seems to cling to it like it will complete her. He doesn’t think he will ever understand. All he can do is support her in her decisions.
It turns into a thing. Louis’ mum will drive down and visit at least once a week and it’s starting to wear on everyone. Sure, it’s nice to have the extra help but he moved out nearly 5 years ago and he’s used to making his own decisions. He doesn’t appreciate her taking over for him, bringing Lana to her first haircut without his knowledge or permission, rearranging his flat to her liking and most of all, her constant intrusive presence has forced Zayn to spend more time at Liam’s in an effort not to snap at her. Louis knows she’s here to avoid her problems at home and he would like to give her a reprieve but when his sisters begin texting about her whereabouts, Louis knows that he will have to have a serious chat with her.
What begins with a well rehearsed, thought out speech, goes completely pear shaped as she dismisses everything he says and instead nit picks at his parenting.
“Are you feeding her enough? She’s looking a little thin.”
“Mum, are you just going to ignore everything I just said?”
“It’s nothing, darling. Everything is fine except that you clearly have not been feeding her enough. I know Harry means well but that food he makes her can’t be nutritious enough. He doesn’t have any children of his own and it’s your first time so take some advice from on an old pro.”
“Mum, she’s eating fine. Leave it be.”
“I most certainly will not. I raised you all on my own. I think I know what’s best and I am telling you right now that Lana is not getting enough. You will have to start giving her vitamins. I will pick up a bottle for you next time I come down and you can start feeding her yogurt…”
“She can’t have yogurt before she’s one, mum,” Louis says, frustrated.
“Nonsense. I fed all of you yogurt before you were one. Come to think of it, it’s rather strange that she isn’t cruising yet but that’s what happens if she isn’t properly fed. Their development falls behind as well. Who keeps moving the rice into this cabinet? I keep having to move it back every time I’m here…”
And that is the final straw.
“Because that’s where it fucking goes!” Louis explodes.
She jumps a little at that. “Louis Tomlinson, don’t you dare…”
“No! Don’t you dare! You’ve been coming to my flat, moving my shit around to your liking and telling me how to raise my daughter! Zayn does the cooking in this house and he wants the rice in that cabinet so bloody leave it there! Lana is not thin or malnourished. She development is normal, her weight is normal and Zayn and I do a damn good job of taking care of her. So stop fucking telling me that I’m doing it all wrong. Go home, talk to your husband, fucking try to compromise with him for once before he leaves you like the rest of them did! And stop forcing Lottie and Fizzy to take care of your children while you avoid your problems!”
Zayn chooses that moment to come home.
“I heard yelling. You alright, Lou?”
Jay grabs her purse and rushes out the door.
Zayn seems torn. On the one hand, he wants to make sure Louis is okay but everything in his upbringing has him picking up Jay’s jacket and following after her. He can’t very well let her get behind the wheel in the state she left. He rushes after her, leaving Louis alone and frustrated.
***
Not sure who else to turn to, Louis finds himself in from of his laptop. For the first time in months, he finds that Salma is available on Skype. The time difference between them makes it difficult for them to catch each other. He clicks on her name and she connects after only two rings. She looks lovely, gorgeous as ever, a little worn out but happy to see him nonetheless. That is until he isn’t able to return the smile.
“You look terrible,” she says. “What’s wrong?
“How on earth did you do it? How did you manage School and work and Lana all at the same time? I’m such a terrible person lately.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened.”
“I yelled at my mum,” Louis confesses. “She came over to help and I yelled at her.”
Salma stares at him in silence, it’s eerily similar to the way Zayn did when he brought Lana home. Louis is expecting judgement or disgust because if anyone else has said a quarter of the things he had just said to his mum, he would be he would feeling both of those emotions and a whole slew of others in spades. Salma, however, just waits for him to continue. So Louis tells her of his mother’s constant advice, her attempt to take over for him every time she comes over, of how he accused her of neglecting her own children in favor of the newest baby, of always needing to be in control of something which is why the men in her life always left her and why she couldn't just be content with what she had, she always needed someone new to cling to.
“How many years have you been holding that in?” Salma says at last.
There is no judgement in the question. Just honest curiosity.
“See what I mean?” Louis says throwing up his hands. “I’ve become a terrible person. The regular me never would have said any of that. I have always protected her because she needed me to. Everyone leaves her and I know she is only trying her hardest…”
“Stop, Louis, listen to yourself. I get that you love your mum and you appreciate everything she has done for you but the way you idolize her, it isn’t doing her any favours. Who can live up to that? You’ve made her out to be this perfect person and it’s completely unfair to her and to you. You aren’t giving her the ability to make mistakes, to take responsibility for the things that go awry in her life. You talk about her like everyone else just abandons her and she is just the innocent victim in all of it. That’s so much pressure. No one can live up to that.”
“You did it. You did school and work and motherhood all at once.”
“No, I did all of those things alone because I had to. I did all those things alone and I missed so much of her life. I only had her for 6 months but I slept sometimes instead of reading to her, I breastfed while co-sleeping because I was too tired to get out of bed, I hid her existence from her father, from my parents because I didn’t want them to think less of me. And I regret every moment of it. I never gave any of you the chance because I was scared and who suffered in the end? Lana, because she didn’t get my best and now me, because I had to give her up anyway and I have to live every day knowing my daughter has no idea who I am..."
“She knows who you are!” Louis interrupts.
“No she doesn’t, Louis. I know that. I’m just a picture and a memory to her now. I knew that the moment I left.”.
“NO!” Louis insists. “Hold on.”
Louis marches back to the bedroom where Lana has somehow managed to stay asleep throughout his yelling earlier. He shakes her shoulder gently.
“Hey, angel.”
Lana grumbles, unhappy to have her nap interrupted.
“I know, babe but I have a surprise for you.”
He lifts her up and carries her over to the laptop. Lana looks at him curiously, not sure what exactly he wants to show her when she hears a gasp from the screen. She turns towards the noise and sees her mother for the first time in months.
“Lana,” Salma whispers, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Lana’s reaction is immediate, she squeals loud and high pitched, reaching out to the screen and smiling as bright as Louis has ever seen her.
“Lana!” Salma sobs, hand clutching over her mouth. “My baby girl… I miss you so much!”
Lana is letting out happy shrieks of excitement, nap time long forgotten.
“I told you she remembers,” Louis says, sniffling in sympathy.
He really wishes she was here, because he really wants to give Salma a hug. He hates that she is alone, half way across the world feeling isolated and guilty. And it’s true that when he met her he had expected it to be a casual fling, her reminding him of Zayn so much, but he has so much respect and admiration for her. She’s strong, driven, brilliant and compassionate. All things he wants Lana to be when she grows up. Above all, she is Lana’s mother and Louis loves her. She’s part of the family now, no matter how far away she might be.
“She won’t ever forget you, Salma. I won’t let her.“
“More tears, what is going on today?”
Louis jumps at the sound of Zayn’s voice and the cushions dipping next to him. Lana climbs into Zayn’s lap even before the other has a chance to settle. She’s happier and more animated than usual, all Louis in her current state, surrounded by all the people she loves best.
“Alright, babe,” Zayn asks Louis, hand squeezing the tension away from the back of his neck.
Louis nods, takes advantage of his now free hands to blow his nose loudly into a tissue. It’s only then that Zayn notices Salma on the screen.
“Oh.”
“You must be Zayn,” Salma says, wiping her tears away.
“And you must be Salma,” Zayn replies. “Assalamualaikum”
“Walaikumsalam. Thank you for taking care of my daughter.”
“She’s incredible,” Zayn says, smiling like a proud parent. “Love her to bits.”
“I can see that. I’m glad. Couldn’t asked for her to go to better family.”
Louis squirms a little at that. Hopes that Zayn won’t get weirded out about being assumed into a family he had never really agreed to be a part of. It was one thing from strangers but from Lana’s mother?
“You say that like you don’t have a place in it,” Zayn says and it’s clear from his tone that he has no issues with her assumption. They are a family, Salma included, even if this is their first meeting, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Salma laughs, her tears returning. “I can see why he’s in love with you.”
Louis chokes on air and flails a little, trying to kick start his brain. He takes back everything he thought about loving this woman! Clearly, she is out to ruin his life!
“Yeah,” Zayn smiles, “That’s okay. I’m in love with him too. Probably should have told him by now.”
Louis gapes at him for a long moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Salma on the screen trying to contain her laughter.
“You think!” Louis exclaims in outrage.
“Well, someone had to say it first,” Salma says. “But now that it's out in the open, don’t be stupid and ignore it for another 10 years.”
Louis opens his mouth to protest but finds that this is one of the rare occasions where he actually has no argument. She’s right. Why on earth hadn’t he said it before?
“Well, I will leave you both to it. Bye bye Lana. I love you so much!”
“Mama!” Lana babbles slapping her palm against the screen.
“Bye, baby.”
The call disconnects after all goodbyes are said and they set up another date to Skype again.
The silence after the call is stifling.
“So,” Louis begins but doesn’t know how to follow it up.
“Isn’t Lana supposed to be taking a nap?” Zayn asks.
“Yeah, but I woke her up because when Salma called to prove a point.”
“Okay,” Zayn says shrugging. He picks Lana up and heads towards the kitchen. “I doubt she’ll go to sleep now so how about we have some dinner?”
“Mum made lasagna earlier,” Louis says, guilt twisting in his stomach.
“You should call her after we eat,” Zayn tells him knowingly. “She should be home by then.”
“Yeah,” Louis agrees, “I need to do that. But after that…”
“One thing at a time, Tommo,” Zayn says disappearing into the kitchen.
****
A few weeks later and Harry finally manages to convince them to let him babysit. It costs him tickets to a comic book convention they have both been dying to go to. Louis dresses in the tightest pair of trousers he can find and a shirt that rides up if he so much as checks the time. Zayn who has opted for black skinnies and a fine knit red jumper, looks perfect as always. At the convention, Zayn is hit on by literally every other man and woman that walks by. It’s only when he is politely declining the 15th person that Louis finally gets hit on as well. By a tall lanky man named Nick, who insists he is a good friend of Harry’s and the reason he managed to score the tickets to the convention that sold out months ago. Louis is immediately not a fan and is about to pull out his sass when Zayn is back at his side and wrapping his arms around his waist. Nick holds up his hands in defeat and blends back into the crowd.
“Are we pretending we’re a couple, then?” Louis asks, something they’ve done countless times when an admirer just wouldn’t get the hint.
“What do you mean pretending?” Zayn asks, cupping his hand around Louis’ nape and pulling him into a kiss.