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He had been doing pretty well lately, to the point where he himself was even noticing it, and becoming more comfortable with it. In the past perhaps, he would have been put on edge upon noticing himself being so happy for such a stretch of time - rationally or irrationally, later, that White No Face would show up to cause him more previously unimaginable suffering.
But since the Burning of the Heavens, as it had come to be known as, and San Lang’s return once more, Xie Lian had been able to slowly but surely settle back down over time into a pleasant routine. Content despite all that he’d been through. Sure it took awhile, and it was never a streamlined process, and some days were harder than others, but he was here and he was getting better. It took awhile, but as much as he retained nerves coming into autumn, he was still doing okay.
The month of October had found itself to be somewhat more troublesome in the past years, as new traditions emerged over time. Although he could not have predicted it, the sight of people all dressed up was occasionally able to send cold waves of panic down his spine, send his mind reeling, his heart racing, and his breathing shallower. Eventually, he and San Lang were able to piece together that white robes and dark hair, as well as face masks seemed to be the root cause of those attacks - what ultimately triggered him in those autumn moments especially.
And surprisingly, despite their nerves and preparations, October had nearly passed and Xie Lian hadn’t had any notable flashbacks or panic attacks. Even the anniversary of everything that had happened had come and gone without a hitch; Xie Lian had been so swept up in the flow of things that he hadn’t even noticed the day come and go until a handful of days after it had gone by.
And so when he decided to go offer his help on a particularly trying mission for some of the other Heavenly Officials one day, he thought nothing of it. His nerves were a touch active, being away from his husband and having to pass by Mount Tonglu as well. But everything was still alright, he knew, logically. And so it sent him for a loop when it wasn’t.
And it hit him hard.
He wasn’t prepared for it when he seemingly out of nowhere fell into an episode on his way back to Puqi Shrine, passing by Mount Tonglu again. His mind entered a frayed daze between dissociation, panic, memories, and the real world. He knew he should call out to his husband in their communication array, that although he was realistically safe in this moment he simultaneously was not, due to his sudden change in mental state, and yet, he could not. He felt his voice leaving him, and he knew they had a plan in place for this too, but he just couldn’t seem to think of it in this moment.
A noise that seemed much louder than it probably should have startled him and he froze, his mind spacing out from his body even more, his senses both dulled and heightened. He knew this wasn’t something so entirely abnormal for him, that this was something he was prepared for, and yet, he had gotten so much better and it had been so long - even he had been able to see he had made quite a bit of progress! It was something he was hesitantly proud of, even! - that he had been completely blindsided by it.
He didn’t know if he was breathing. He thought he was, but he also wasn’t sure. He couldn’t die, but what if there was some cruel trick no one had picked up on yet, and only now it would start to show itself? Did Bai Wuxaing have another trick up his sleeve that they hadn’t known about?
Everything was crumbling and he was crumbling and distantly it seemed like it would be a good idea if he could find some ice, ground himself with the shock of the cold, or maybe a mint - he had always hated how strong it seemed to him, but that was particularly beneficial when he was dissociation - but he had none of those things and he couldn’t comprehend those thoughts well enough at the moment to put them to use even if he did.
….
Eventually he came out of it enough to get a drink of water and go home.
He was exhausted.
He shied away from San Lang’s loving touch, going to hug him as was their usual upon his return, ashamed and muttering an apology as he went to curl up under the covers. He knew San Lang loved him, and would never - could never - hurt him. That even this rejection confused and upset him, and yet his body and mind shied away despite it, repulsed and crying out with phantom sensations of ‘wrong wrong wrong, hurt hurt hurt’ at the mere thought of a touch, no matter how light or gentle. He just wanted to sleep.
….
He knew San Lang was concerned. He knew that he read him well - better than anyone else ever had. And even as San Lang expressed his concern, he had convinced himself that it didn’t need addressing. He was sure he was fine again - it was just a slip, nothing more, he doesn’t need to worry so much. Really, he’s okay , he swears. And so their days go on as normal once more.
Except, Xie Lian is a touch more down. He knows it’s expected to have good and bad days, especially when recovering from trauma, but that doesn’t mean it feels any better. He had been doing so good . He could tell . And now, it almost feels right that he was so hesitant to believe he was getting better, to become proud of it. It was gone in an instant, wasn’t it? Was he really doing so much better if it could all be swept away like that? What was there to be proud of in that? What could possibly be worthy of pride, in this messed up mind of his?
His abnormally high pain tolerance he had developed had been slowly lowering itself again, over time. His husband’s care and doting over any tiny nick or papercut, and intensely amusing fury towards such offending things as crosswords, of all things, if it’d dared laid the slightest of injuries to his god’s perfect flesh. Doesn’t it understand how precious everything, even the pads of his fingers are? He had set the paper on fire with his eyes alone, that time. His husband truly was a gift.
And yet with this recent setback, although Xie Lian had learned to be more careful with himself (lest another crossword, or, god forbid, an entire library, be decimated from his husband’s ensuing wrath), he was a little more careless. He hadn’t realized it at first, but eventually he noticed his skin almost seemed to crawl from how whole it was. How intact. How unharmed. In a daze, he’d even started to go for E’Ming at one point when he’d been wiping him down (because if his husband won’t care for his own spiritual device that was such like a puppy at times, well then, Xie Lian would just have to love it twice as much in his steed), his hands switching his grip on the confused but innocently complacent blade. E’Ming’s eye suddenly widened and he started shaking profusely, drawing Ruoye’s attention from within Xie Lian’s sleeve, who innocently poked its head out only to surge forward and knock itself into its owner’s hands, knocking he and E’Ming out and onto the floor instead.
Xie Lian blinked at the sudden movement, one moment holding E’Ming, and the next not. Snapping out of it, his eyes widened as he saw E’Ming shaking on the floor, eye looking as though it’d be welling with tears if it could, with Ruoye next to him, tense as it watched its owner to be sure he wouldn’t do anything rash.
Reaching forward towards the spiritual weapon slowly, Xie Lian stuttered, “E’Ming, I, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I swear. I would never- I really don’t know what came over me, I’m so, so sorry. Really, I am.” He felt he couldn’t properly elaborate more on what he wouldn’t do, as he truly wasn’t sure what he had been about to do. But he knew he needed to apologize nonetheless.
“Really, I’m sorry,” chuckling wetly a moment, he noted, “San Lang truly would never learn to love you if something happened- no matter if I’d forced you or not,” he sighed, “and I suppose it only goes to show, more, that you came from him, being so panicked about potentially hurting me, roundabout as it may have been. You’re so good to me. Thank you, E’Ming. And thank you, as well, Ruoye. San Lang’s tool or not, he would’ve found a way to have E’Ming's head if anything were to have happened to me, I’m sure. You can relax now, though, thank you. It’s almost time for dinner, anyways, so I should be getting to the kitchen to start dinner. And San Lang should be there, as well, too.”
And with that, he gave E’Ming one last pat before letting Ruoye crawl back up into his sleeve and heading for their makeshift kitchen.
Sure enough, San Lang turned around from the counter, lighting up upon his arrival.
“Gege! You’re back! What will you grace this one with the pleasure of eating today?”
Chuckling, Xie Lian went to take out some vegetables he had got earlier that day, moving them over to the counter and chopping board with him.
“San Lang, you know I was only in the other room, you could have just come in if you were lonely!” Said San Lang saddled up behind where Xie Lian had started preparing the food, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning his face into his neck to plant a quick, sly kiss before turning his head slightly to watch where Xie Lian’s hands were cutting vegetables.
“Aw, but gege, this one wanted to be sure the kitchen was clean for you when you came out for dinner - you know this one loves your cooking, I simply didn’t want to wait any longer than I had to.”
“Oh, silly, if you were so hungry you could have just come and gotten me. You know I’d have come.”
“Mm, maybe later, if His Highness would be so kind as to bless this one for his dessert?” San Lang’s face turned into his neck again, his hold around his waist tightening as he peppered his shoulder with kisses.
Xie Lian squeaked and blushed, putting the knife down to hide his face in his hands briefly, before turning around in his husband’s hold and against the counter.
“The pot! Could you do this one a favor, and, go grab the pot for water! Yes! Get the pot for boiling water, please!” Even after all this time he still got embarrassed and shy upon his husband’s advances. Really, though, how shameless was his husband? It wasn’t his fault he was so easily flustered, what with his San Lang as his lover.
San Lang chuckled, a smirk to his lips and he drew back slowly to go and fetch the aforementioned pot.
Xie Lian sighed, still flushing, before finally turning back around to continue his dinner preparations, mischievous husband gone for the moment. He started to lose himself in his thoughts again, before distantly he heard the door open once more. He registered someone let out a gasp followed by a clang of metal hitting the floor, and then suddenly he was slammed into - gently, somehow - as his hands were grabbed.
Xie Lian took a sharp inhale of breath, jerking slightly in the grasp from surprise. He blinked at the hands holding his wrists, registering the red thread around a finger and the silver vambraces at the end of the other person’s sleeves. Following the arms up with his gaze, he locked eyes with the concerned gaze of his husband, pot long since discarded.
San Lang slowly removed the knife from Xie Lian’s hands, where it had nearly come down on his other hand, before placing it off to the side and gathering him in his arms once more.
“...Gege? Gege, forgive me, but.., you aren’t alright.”
Xie Lian leaned forward to rest his forehead on his chest before murmuring tiredly, “Mm, San Lang, I, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m sorry, I’m making you worry.”
“Shh, what do you need right now? How can I help you?” San Lang shushed, gently stroking his beloved’s hair as he cradled him to himself.
“I,, I don’t know right now. Can we just lay down, for now?”
“Of course, whatever gege wishes.”
“Mm, thank you, San Lang. I love you,” Xie Lian murmured as San Lang laid him down in their bed gently before crawling in beside him and adjusting the covers around them.
“This San Lang loves you more. But he must ask, gege, did something happen the other day?” He pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead.
Xie Lian froze from his place cuddled up into his husband under their mountainous cocoon of blankets, before eventually melting once more.
“I.., yes, San Lang, I…, had an, episode, again, on my way home the other day. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner,” he confessed.
“It’s okay gege. Gege knows he never has to apologize. Pray this one ask one more question, though. Why didn’t gege tell me sooner?”
“I’m not entirely sure, San Lang,” Xie Lian sighed, “I was doing so well, and then, I wasn’t and it didn’t make sense but I was scared to say anything. And when it happened I couldn’t talk, not even to reach out to you in our communication array. And then it felt like something bad might happen if I admitted that I wasn’t doing okay, even though I know you’d never let anything happen. Even though I know how much you love me. I’m sorry. I know it’s normal to have ups and downs, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”
San Lang pressed another kiss to his forehead, “Okay, okay. I know. Don’t be sorry. Let’s get some rest and then we can go over our action plan in the morning and revamp it, okay? But for now let’s rest. That’s tomorrow’s us problem now.”
“Ok, San Lang. Thank you,” he stretched his head up on their bed to reach his husband’s lips to press a quick yet loving, and thankful kiss there.
“Good night,” he sighed, before retreating back down to curl up fully into San Lang’s chest once more.
“Good night, gege,” he heard, before feeling his husband’s face nestle into the top of his head as he drifted off to sleep.