Chapter Text
It was one of the rare nights that Kojiro said he would be busy and to not come to the restaurant, and it was one of the rare nights when Kaoru made a significant upgrade to Carla. He straightened his back after what felt like (and likely was) hours of slouching.
This discovery was one which might help reduce her energy usage by about 10%, which left Kaoru very satisfied with the night’s work. He knew it wouldn’t mean much to Kojiro, who would have his signature glazed look on his face when Kaoru explained any of his newest “nerdy shit”, but this kind of boost had incredible potential to increase Carla’s capabilities in the future.
It was practically an instinct to pick up his phone to call Kojiro after something like this. He knew he would be allowed to explain all the complicated mechanisms to his heart’s content, even if Kojiro wouldn’t understand a word. But honestly, even talking to a brick wall like him helped Kaoru untangle the way he’d solved something. (As most programmers knew, in Kaoru’s experience at least, it was totally possible to reach a solution to a problem without fully knowing how you reached it.)
At the beginning of these talks years ago—“talks” meaning Kaoru just ranting at his helpless friend—he would tell Kojiro, “Maybe just hearing about all this ‘nerd shit’ will help your synapses fire a little up there.” He loved to roughly poke the side of Kojiro’s head when he was being particularly stupid, so he did it again. “Maybe you’ll even grow a third brain cell,” Kaoru added, smirking.
But after a while, Kojiro’s listless stares wore him down.
“Why are you listening to me? You don’t even understand any of this, and you’re not interested in AI at all. So you know you can just tell me to stop, idiot. I don’t want to take up your time.”
Kojiro stopped looking so zoned out for a moment to say, “Maybe I just like hearing you talk.”
“Tch, impossible with an ego like yours,” Kaoru scoffed, hitting him on the arm with his closed fan. “You love being the center of attention.”
Kojiro laughed. “Fine, then. I can tell you want to talk about it to someone, and even though I don’t understand what the hell you’re talking about, I admire how smart you are.”
“Hmph, you bet I am.” On a day with less of a miraculous discovery, Kaoru might have been more humble, and perhaps less blind to the sincerity behind Kojiro’s words.
“If I’m as stupid as you say, though, why do you want to tell me about it?” Kojiro asked.
“Obviously you can’t understand what I’m saying, so talking to you is like the rubber ducky methodone,” Kaoru explained teasingly. “Just talking out loud helps me figure things out, and kinda sort them out in my head.”
“Great, then I’m happy to help. Don’t stop. I’ll listen for as long as you want.”
Kaoru opened his fan in front of his face. “Shut up. Stupid. I’ll hit you again.”
It was an empty threat, and Kojiro laughed, knowing it.
Now Kaoru called him once with no answer. No worries, he might be busy, Kaoru thought. He waited a few minutes then called again. This time the phone rang for a long time before Kojiro finally picked up.
“Hey, I got something exciting—!” Kaoru started.
“Ummm, I’m sorry,” a female voice said back. “Joe’s not at the phone… who are you.”
“Oh.” Admittedly, Kaoru shouldn’t have been this surprised. “Nevermind,” he said, feeling prickly.
“Sorry, I’ll tell him after. That you called. He’s been in the bathroom a while, haha..”
“Thank you. Have a good night.” Kaoru hung up quickly. I bet they’re having a good night indeed. She sounded annoying. Was it wrong to start trying to pick apart this girl in his mind?
It was unfair of him to be jealous, Kaoru knew. He had no right at all. But that’s never stopped me before, and it won’t stop me now, he thought grumpily.
~
The next evening, after a slow day of work and far too many thoughts, Kaoru was back in Kojiro’s restaurant as usual.
Many years ago when Kaoru first started eating dinner at the restaurant, always at Kojiro’s invitation, he found himself wondering why he kept being invited back. And after a while, not understanding made him irritated. “Hey, stupid, will you tell me why you’re wasting food on me for free? Or why you’re basically choosing to lengthen your own work day by staying here?”
Kojiro simply smiled back and put on a fake scolding tone. “Hey, four-eyes, thank you for appreciating the free meal. And the company.” He had happily gestured to himself, and Kaoru rolled his eyes in response. “But trust me, it’s nothing, really. I’m glad to have you here. The day I don’t invite you and you still show up will be a happy one for me.”
Kojiro didn’t miss the way Kaoru’s eyes sparkled with wonder and appreciation, and it made his heart skip a beat. He would drag Kaoru here every night if only he would look at him like that again.
A few days later, on a busy day with a large group reservation at the restaurant, Kojiro had forgotten to invite Kaoru as dinnertime neared. But after closing, Kaoru had walked in nervously, and this time Kojiro looked at him with an open, wondering expression, and Kaoru promised he would never complain about a free meal again if Kojiro truly wanted him there.
He broke that promise many, many times, of course. But Kojiro didn’t have to know he'd made it in the first place.
Tonight, Kojiro had brought out a bottle of red wine, and he started pouring it into two glasses as Kaoru ate. “So. You called late last night,” he said, starting off a little awkwardly. “Nerd shit?”
At the invitation to explain, Kaoru immediately launched into a shortened summary of what he’d figured out the night before in between bites of his pasta as Kojiro nodded along, eyes blank. Head empty, as usual, Kaoru thought fondly.
Once he finished, the two simply sat silently drinking, with only the occasional “refill?” from Kojiro and nod from Kaoru.
After both of their second glasses, Kojiro couldn’t take it anymore. “So, Kaoru… what’s bothering you tonight?”
Clearly the jealousy in his head was starting to seep into his expression, if Kojiro had to ask a question like that. And in response, Kaoru couldn’t help himself from thinking, Her. And then—You.
Kojiro would never know the way he meant it, so he bit his tongue and laid his head onto the table—after pushing the plate far away from his hair, of course. His heart ached thinking about his pathetic jealousy and now that he was thinking about it, he wasn’t sure he could look at Kojiro without any of his feelings showing in his expression. Kaoru sighed theatrically to make himself seem more melodramatic than pathetic.
Because having a crush at this age truly was pathetic. And an unrequited crush at that.
And it had to be on his best friend?
Kaoru sighed again.
“Woah, drama queen. Don’t worry, I’m here to listen. Let me clean up first,” Kojiro chuckled as he stood up with Kaoru’s plate. When he returned he settled behind Kaoru, gently starting to massage his shoulders.
With how cold and snarky Kaoru usually was, most people thought that he couldn’t share any speck of his feelings with anyone else. That wasn’t true. He wasn’t completely emotionally unavailable, at least not to Kojiro. And he had lived long enough to know that he sometimes needed to release a bit of the tension of his unrequited feelings.
It was true that he was unable to share any speck of feelings that he truly, deeply felt, though. Any thoughts or feelings that were particularly debilitating were something he felt he always had to hide away and sort through completely on his own.
For today, he figured lonely was a close enough white lie to in love and pathetically jealous.
You always listen to me, Kaoru thought. Even when I’m mean to you, you’re always here for me. Kaoru held himself back from sighing yet again and decided to share the slightly less embarrassing version of the very embarrassing truth. “I just… feel lonely.”
Kojiro blinked. He took a few breaths, trying to stifle his deep disappointment. Kaoru was right in front of him, spending time with him, and saying he was lonely. Kojiro was never lonely with Kaoru, but that didn’t mean he could expect the same of his friend. Of course Kaoru only came here to the restaurant because Kojiro wanted him to; all this time it was part obligation for him.
Yes, Kojiro felt he had been very stupid indeed, but at least he could try to fix Kaoru’s loneliness.
He sank to his knees beside Kaoru’s chair, trying to get on his level and speaking softly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think—I didn’t think of that. Um, we can—I don’t know, I think some of my employees might stay later sometime, for a free meal,” he said, cracking a small smile. “Some of them even like you. Or you can invite someone else, too. Or maybe, I have a friend or two who might come some days—”
Kaoru turned his whole body towards Kojiro, exasperatedly looking at the idiot bent over in what seemed like… shame? “No, you oaf. Eating here—” Kaoru bit back with you— “is the best part of my day. I meant in general.”
Kojiro blinked, his brain a fog. He most certainly hadn’t taken in what Kaoru said, still thinking of a list of people he could invite in the evenings. “Sorry, Kaoru, all this time inviting you here alone, I didn’t even stop to think you might be lonely…”
“What did you think I meant—? You idiot, I never—Oh, god, I’ve done it again,” Kaoru groaned. He couldn't bring himself to say that he appreciated these quiet dinners with Kojiro alone, and that he loved spending time with just the two of them. All these years he’d settled for trying to show it instead, trusting that Kojiro would pick up on that and realize how grateful Kaoru truly felt, but his panic rose at the realization that Kojiro now didn’t realize it. “Kojiro, stop, you absolute dumbass, are you even listening to me, I just said eating here with you is the best part of my day and you suddenly think I don’t—I know it’s hard with a brain as small as yours,” he bit out spitefully, “but you really think I would spend years coming over for dinner if I didn’t love it?”
If I didn’t love spending time alone with you? Kaoru stopped himself from saying.
No, be brave.
He forced the mushy feelings out between gritted teeth.
“It doesn’t make any sense if I didn’t love spending time… with you. Maybe you need your glasses to see that?” Kaoru said sharply, noticing that the other man hadn't put them on.
“Left them at hometwo,” Kojiro said softly, his brain still foggy with disappointment and heartache.
Kaoru waved his hands in front of his face. “Is there even a brain in there? Hello? I’m trying to tell you I’ll come in here alone and personally fight anyone else who tries to stay, okay?” He felt a lump in his throat, but his panic thankfully started to abate.
Kojiro’s eyes finally seemed to clear up. “Ah. Okay, Kaoru, thank you. I understand. And sorry,” he said, finally looking up at Kaoru, retroactively hearing everything he’d said.
You definitely don’t understand. “Idiot,” Kaoru said thickly, “don’t be. Please don’t doubt it again.” The threat of losing his evenings with Kojiro was enough to stop Kaoru’s usual, well-practiced insults from spilling out.
Kojiro innocently said, “Doubt what?”
“You idiot, do I have to spell out everything for you? I love spending time with you. There. Why would I always come over otherwise,” Kaoru said, rolling his eyes. “If you ever used your brain you’d see that.” Though perhaps it was better that Kojiro didn’t use his brain, or else he’d see right through Kaoru’s thinly veiled feelings.
Kojiro’s heart melted at how focused Kaoru had been on convincing him. He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Kaoru’s hand in both of his own, holding it gently (and trying to pretend he wasn’t resisting the urge to kiss it). “Thank you, truly. And sorry.”
“You should be,” Kaoru harrumphed. “That’s enough sappiness from me, god. I have half a mind to make you whip up a second plate right now.”
Kojiro laughed fondly. “I think you could do it. Your stomach is like a garbage can.”
“So your food is garbage?”
“Let’s not tell lies, princess,” Kojiro teased, then went silent.
Without the conversation to distract him, Kaoru’s mind went blank as he kept his right hand very, very still, entranced by the sight of Kojiro still holding it with his head bowed, face close enough that Kaoru could feel light breaths on his fingers.
“Okay,” Kojiro suddenly said, “then what did you mean?” He looked up, smiling, still holding Kaoru’s hand.
“Your stupid pea brain has made me forget,” Kaoru sniffed, already embarrassed by his earlier panicking.
“You said you were lonely.”
“…Fine.” Of course Kojiro wouldn’t just move on. “Yes. A little. It’s just—you have all your women to spend time with,” he said a bit spitefully, thinking of the one he’d had the misfortune of talking to yesterday.
Jealous, jealous, jealous! Kaoru’s mind screamed, but he did his best to ignore it.
“And I guess my aloneness feels even more pronounced around the time this stupid festival comes around.”
“Ah,” Kojiro said. Had the girl yesterday said something weird when she answered Kaoru’s call? Kaoru had never been upset about Kojiro being busy with dates or one-night stands before. “Well. You know, ‘all those women’ you mention, they don’t exactly help fix any loneliness. They don’t mean anything to me.” You’re the one who means everything to me.
“Kojiro, what—that’s so mean!”
“Huh? No, it’s not, they know that too. They mostly feel the same. It’s nothing more than fooling around.”
“Hm. Weird.”
“Maybe for someone who has a robot for a girlfriend,” Kojiro teased, and laughed at Kaoru’s exaggerated eye roll. “It’s not weird. We’re all on the same page. But, um. What I mean is that sometimes, I don’t know, I feel lonely too.” Kojiro started lightly caressing Kaoru’s fingers. Although this moment is much better than most, he thought.
“Oh. Okay.” Kaoru didn’t know what to do with this information, nor with Kojiro’s new touch. And he certainly didn’t know what to do when Kojiro said—
“But also… about the festival. I could, uh, go with you maybe?”
It was explicitly a romantic festival. A festival for couples.
Kojiro didn’t dare look up at Kaoru. If he had, he would’ve seen the same expression of wonder as all those years ago, the slightly opened mouth and eyes shining, and he might not have said the next sentence:
“You know, just as, I don’t know, practice—just to help you get over…”
What Adam did.
They both remembered too well how Adam had buttered Kaoru up for weeks before the festival, and then stood him up that night.
Only Kaoru distinctly remembered the unbearable shame of waiting for hours for his crush, right at the entrance while the happy couples wandered in, some throwing pitying looks at him.
That event was just the culmination of many moments, of course. Adam enjoyed playing around with Kaoru’s crush on him, building up his admiration and care and then shattering his trust in a million little ways.
“It’s fine. I’m over it,” Kaoru said quickly.
(They both knew that was a lie; Kaoru had never opened back up the same way, even after Adam left, determined to give no one else the same satisfaction of being able to toy with him.)
“…But what do you mean by practice,” Kaoru added, keeping his tone flat.
“Well, I can try to give you the special night that he should’ve given you.” Kojiro was suddenly aware he may have held Kaoru’s hand for way too long. He quickly dropped it when he realized a discussion about Kaoru’s previous crush may not have been the most appropriate time to keep touching him. “I don’t think I told you this, but after I found out what had happened, I really, really wished you’d called me, Kaoru. I felt so guilty that I didn’t do anything while you were alone and hurting that night. So maybe I can fix the festival for you this Friday, and put my own past regrets to rest.” Maybe Kaoru will acknowledge my crush, too and let me down gently. Maybe the night will help us both move on.
“Hm,” Kaoru said simply, very aware of the cool air around his hand, which he still hadn’t moved.
A horrible thought suddenly struck Kojiro. I called Adam his “previous crush” but… what if it’s not in the past yet… and I’ve just been falling for him while he still loves…? “Wait, Kaoru, are you… over him, at least?”
Kaoru rolled his eyes. “I told you I’m over everything that happened.” At Kojiro’s disbelieving expression, he said, “Fine, yes, I’m over him. I’ve been over him for a long time.” Under his breath, he added, “You’re insufferable.”
And yet you keep coming back to suffer, Kojiro thought with a smile. He didn’t say it out loud in case it gave Kaoru the opening to decide that maybe he shouldn’t keep coming back after all. Instead, Kojiro shrugged and got up, giving his friend a pat on the shoulder before sitting across from him again. “Okay, well? What do you think?” he asked nonchalantly.
On the one hand, if Kaoru somehow agreed to this, Kojiro thought, this could be his only chance to shower him in affection like he so desperately wanted to. Maybe he would even let Kojiro hold his hand. Because oh, how he wanted to… it wasn’t fair, he thought, for someone to have hands that were both so talented and beautiful.
And after he’d gotten it out of his system, just once, maybe Kojiro would finally start moving on.
On the other hand… maybe he would learn he couldn’t live without it.
Either way, the ball was in Kaoru’s court. Kojiro tried to stare him down to see any hints of agreement or disgust on his face, but it was oddly neutral.
“I still don’t know what exactly you’re asking of me, to be honest,” Kaoru said after it became clear Kojiro wasn’t going to speak any further without prompting.
Fair point. “Oh, you know, the regular things people do at that festival. I’ll buy you good food, win you prizes, hold your hand. And if you really beg me to, I’ll kiss you.” Kojiro wiggled his eyebrows confidently. It usually worked on the ladies, but unfortunately his face felt very hot at the moment.
Kaoru simply opened his fan in front of his face. “You’re blushing, Kojiro.”
...
To be fair, “the ladies” usually wanted to kiss him already.
“Stop. Am not. It’s the wine,” he mumbled grumpily. He grabbed the bottle and scanned it as if to prove it was strong stuff, but got bored quickly. When he looked back Kaoru had put his fan away and was casually taking a sip of his wine again, as if to make fun of him.
“But Kojiro. Seriously. You don’t have to do this if you’re just gonna make yourself uncomfortable. Are you even thinking this through? I don’t understand why you came up with this. I mean, you like women, for one…”
Kojiro nearly spit out a sip of wine and his laughter turned into choking. “Kaoru, I wouldn’t be offering this if I wasn’t into…” you. “…guys, too.”
Kaoru’s eyes widened and his mouth was slightly agape. This information doesn’t change anything; it means nothing to me. “Okay. Well.” He paused, trying not to care. “When were you planning on telling me this?”
“Um. I kind of thought I did?” Kojiro rushed his explanation under Kaoru’s shocked glare. “You know, when you would check out men in public and I would join you and um, kind of check them out too.” He hated that he made it sound like a question.
The shock fell off Kaoru’s face, but the scowl remained. “I thought you were just doing that to, I don’t know, be an ally.”
“How on earth is me checking out men being an ‘ally’??” Kojiro asked in astonishment.
“I thought you were just doing it to reaffirm that it wasn’t weird for me to be into men! Like your own weird way of saying it’s okay that I’m gay. How was I supposed to know you actually agreed—? Whatever.”
There was a silence as they both reevaluated some past conversations with this new revelation in mind. Kojiro thought of how nervous he had been at first to acknowledge that he found men attractive, especially to Kaoru himself. It was in Italy that he first truly realized it, but somehow in Japan he felt less comfortable admitting it. Maybe it was because he couldn’t put on a persona as easily as he had abroad, away from his family and community. Maybe it was the difference between living in the middle of a big city, or just on the outskirts of one.
Or maybe it was because it hadn’t taken long after his return for Kojiro to start falling back into place by Kaoru’s side as his friend, and then also falling for Kaoru.
Coming back home made Kojiro realize how comfortable he still felt around Kaoru—how much Okinawa still was home because of him.
It was honestly really pathetic how much Kojiro pined over his childhood best friend so soon after a few years of not much contact, so he figured he would at least test the waters of their freshly reborn friendship by admitting he was also into men. Kaoru hadn’t responded to the gesture in a positive or negative way, so Kojiro had quickly dropped any dreams of pushing his attempts further, happy to keep settling in the sort of comfortable, codependent peace they’d always had. A slightly different one, of course, because they had both changed quite a bit, but with the same comfort as before. Kojiro was satisfied to pretend it meant nothing that he liked men, too.
Clearly that actually had meant nothing to Kaoru.
“You’re so fucking stupid,” Kojiro told him now, annoyed.
“YOU’RE the stupid one, good god,” Kaoru replied. So then how long ago was he trying to tell me…? “Doesn’t matter,” he murmured angrily, trying to convince himself.
“What doesn’t matter, four-eyes?” Kojiro said, keeping his annoyed tone.
“Whatever. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come out to me now and whatnot. Or years ago, I guess.” Despite his sincerity in saying those words, Kaoru couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his tone because of how the whole situation had gone down. He was still in disbelief, honestly.
“Whatever,” Kojiro echoed, rolling his eyes. “Thanks for accepting me so kindly and graciously.” His voice carried as much sarcasm as Kaoru’s, but it was more playful; the slight moment of tension was firmly marked over when Kaoru leaned over to punch his shoulder at his words and Kojiro tried not to smile. “But seriously, what do you say about the festival? Let’s have a night out together that’s not at S.”
Kaoru opened his mouth.
“And I said out. So not here either.”
Kaoru closed his mouth.
Kojiro smirked in an annoyingly self-satisfied way and leaned back in his chair, waiting for Kaoru’s response. He seemed to be mulling over the idea in his head.
“I mean, a night out together does sound fun,” Kaoru said slowly, cautiously. “But I don’t—why are you doing this? I’m just confused.”
Because I want to hold your hand again, properly? Kojiro thought. Because this brilliant genius idea might be the one chance I get to treat you the way I want, and the way you deserve?
“I told you. I want to help you. And you told me you’re lonely, so I’m gonna try to fix that for a night. And then… maybe you’ll move on, and be able to let loose. With someone else.” Kojiro swallowed the bitter feeling in his mouth.
And because maybe you’ll finally start to trust someone again. Even if it isn’t me.
“Don’t pretend you’re not a little strung up, you know, emotionally,” he teased lightly.
“Hm. I still don’t get what the hell you’re thinking.” Kaoru patted his hand across the table. “But it does sound interesting, I suppose.” He yawned a little too loudly. “Alright, I should probably be heading out.”
With near-Olympic speed Kaoru shared a casual goodbye and left for his apartment to mull things over.
~
Lonely. It wasn’t a lie, exactly, that he felt lonely whenever he thought of Kojiro with someone else. He had long figured that Kojiro would one day find a lucky girl to spend more than one or a few nights with. But Kaoru knew very well that a more accurate word for his feelings would be jealous. If he had any shred of bravery in his body, he might have said so.
But many years had proved he didn’t.