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Alex doesn't think he's an evil man. He doesn't think he deserves to be punished for some (okay, fine, many) of the mistakes he's made. He doesn't think he's ever done something truly sinful that he should've repented for. So, this is why he doesn't understand why Henry walks into his bedroom at ten in the morning, all shiny eyed, talking about how Will, his boyfriend of two years, had proposed to him the previous night.
Alex should be happy for Henry, he knows this. He's his best friend and aren't best friends supposed to be happy for each other when something life changing happens to them? Like getting engaged? But instead, Alex feels his heart shatter into a million pieces, making it hard to breathe. Henry is getting married. Alex's been in love with him ever since he understood what love really meant. Fuck his parents getting divorced, this might be the worst day of Alex's life. Yeah, that was traumatic, but Henry was right there to get him through it all, holding his hand. What is he supposed to do now that Henry will be holding someone else's hand for the rest of his fucking life? Hell, Alex cannot handle this. He wants to die.
He wants.
Fuck him, Alex wants Henry. He wants to wake up next to Henry every damn morning, morning breath and all. He wants to be the only one who gets to see Henry all sleep mussed, blond hair sticking out at odd angles. Wants to be the only one who gets to run his hands through that messy hair, brushing the soft strands away from his face to drop a kiss on his forehead. He wants to be the only one who gets to see Henry writhing in pleasure, his mouth dropping open, but his eyes on Alex. Not that he knows what Henry looks like when he comes, but his teacher back in kindergarten had said that he has an overactive imagination, so it's not that hard to picture it. He wants to know what Henry sounds like when Alex slowly pushes into him, reverently pressing his lips to that godawful neck. Wants to know what he looks like when Alex finally pushes him over the edge after hours of teasing him. Anyway.
He wants to be the one who comforts Henry on his bad days, not that fucking Will does a decent job of it. He leaves Henry to wallow in his sadness and tells him to 'text when you're over all that,' which is. Which is not fine. Henry deserves all the love, especially on those days and if fucking Will can't even give him that, what is he good for? Alex wants to punch him. Alex would never do that to Henry. He never does it. Instead of leaving Henry alone like his asshole boyfriend fiancé, Alex makes him an absurd amount of Earl Grey, buys all the Jaffa Cakes in the word, slips into bed behind Henry, and holds him as he cries. He doesn't expect Henry to talk, but he knows Henry appreciates him being there, holding him, while David settles by Henry's legs. He loves being there for Henry, and if could he'd do that for him for all his fucking life.
He thinks about how he's known Henry since they were practically born. Their lives have been so intertwined and Alex truly doesn't know how he's going to carry on with his life once Henry moves out. Because he probably will. It'd be incredibly weird for him to live with Alex when he's engaged to Will, right? Which means he's going to move out soon and Alex is going to have a breakdown. He thinks of their movie nights, cuddling on the couch, stealing each other's popcorn. He thinks about them doing the laundry together, even though yes Henry, he knows it's not a two man job but would he pretty please help Alex anyway? Thinks about cooking in the kitchen together as the sunlight slowly fades away, dancing to the music slowly playing from the speakers. Thinks of Henry laughing, his real gummy smile coming out, when he burns their dinner again. He thinks of them going on their weekly grocery shopping trips, arguing about which cereal to buy. It's all so domestic that he wants to pull his hair out. They could've had this for all their lives. They're never going to. And Alex? Alex isn't going to survive seeing Henry promise his life to someone who isn't him.
"Alex?" Henry asks, his hand landing on Alex's back, pulling him away from all the maudlin thoughts.
He shakily exhales and tries to push his emotions away. He'd already cried when Henry had left the house that day after announcing his engagement and he didn't want to do that again, he did not. They're out to celebrate and even though the last thing Alex wants to do is celebrate Henry's engagement, he's going to put on a brave front and pretend he's fucking ecstatic for his best friend. After, when they're home and Henry retreats to his own room, he's going to drink so much alcohol that he forgets his own name and drops into oblivion. He's not dealing with his healthily, alright? He's a fucking wreck. Has been since Henry'd told him some guy from his class had asked him out on a date almost two years ago now. Fuck, he wanted to punch the past Alex for standing there, feeling his heart breaking, instead of begging Henry to cancel the date. They wouldn't be here if Alex had the fucking courage. He's a fucking weak man.
"Alex?" Henry asks again, his hand moving to cup his face, his concerned eyes looking at Alex. Fuck, he wants to die. How is Alex supposed to let go of this?
"Darling, are you okay?" Henry says, pulling Alex's face closer.
Letting out a shaky breath, Alex nods. "Just a little tired," he says, giving Henry a small smile.
He feels his heart clench when he looks at Henry's furrowed eyebrows. Fuck, it's the cutest thing ever. Alex wants him to be his, not Will's. He wants to own Henry, not in a creepy, possessive way, but in a way that everyone one knows that Henry belongs with Alex. Nobody else. Embarrassingly enough, he feels his eyes well up. Henry's eyebrows shoot up in alarm and then he's sliding out of the booth, telling the table that they're going to go get some fresh air. Then, he wraps his hand around Alex's arm to pull him outside. He sees Pez, Bea, June and Nora shoot him matching looks of concern, but Will doesn't even bother looking up from his phone, his thumbs flying over the keyboard.
Once they're in the alleyway, Alex rests again the wall, Henry standing opposite him. He crosses his arms, shooting Alex a concerned look.
"Talk," he basically orders, but Alex can see the worry underneath his stormy eyes.
"Dunno, think I'm just a little drunk. It's nothing, Hen. Really," Alex mumbles, kicking at the ground, eyes downward.
"Alex, you've had half a beer. You're not drunk."
He lifts his eyes to look at Henry, lips turned downward. What is he supposed to tell him? That he feels like his chest is being ripped opened? That he can feel his heart breaking every time Henry glances at Will? That he wants to claw his eyes out every time he sees Will kiss Henry? That he is in love with Henry, even though he knows he's getting married to someone else?
"I don't know what you want me to say, sweetheart," he says truthfully, shrugging helplessly. In the absence of Will, he allows the pet name to slip out, greedily watching as a slight blush colours Henry's cheeks. Fuck, why is everything about Henry so fucking endearing?
"What I want is for you to tell me what's bothering you, Alex. You've been acting weird for weeks, love, and I'm worried, alright? You were on the verge of tears back there, and I just need to know what's wrong," Henry says and shit, there's that furrow between his eyebrows that Alex loves so much again. Henry runs an agitated hand through his hair and the glint of the ring on his finger makes Alex tear up again. Fuck, what is happening to him?
"Darling," Henry breathes out once he sees Alex's tears, softening immediately. He uncrosses his arms and steps closer, resting his hands on Alex's hips, pulling him closer. "What's wrong, love?" Henry asks in that voice Alex loves so much and he absolutely loses it. Henry's going to get married and their lives are never going to be the same again. They're never going to be the same again. When Henry was dating others, he could pretend that it wasn't happening. Could hope that it didn't work out and they'd break up. A marriage was so permanent. It was supposed to be for them. Alex&Henry against the fucking world, not Alex and Henry (and that fuckhead Will).
He feels Henry pull him to his chest once he starts sobbing. He lets Henry tuck Alex's head under his chin, tangling a hand in his hair, holding him tightly. He keeps on murmuring reassurances as Alex cries into his chest, trying to push in closer. There's absolutely no distance between them but Alex wants to curl up and climb inside Henry so that he's a part of him and nobody can snatch him away. Henry soothingly rubs a hand over his back, pressing kisses against Alex's temple and fuck, that just makes his heart break harder. He can't let Henry go, not when he loves him so much. They'd be so good for each other. But he can't do that, so he just presses closer and cries harder, desperately clenching fistfuls of Henry's shirt.
"Shh," Henry soothes, pressing yet another kiss on his head. "I'm here, love. Whatever it is, I'm here. I love you, Alex."
"It hurts," Alex wails and he'd be more embarrassed about it if Henry hadn't basically seen him at every single low point of his life. He'd gotten a front row ticket for it all.
"Shh. I know, darling. I'm here. What hurts?" Henry asks, his shoulders bracketing Alex's, arms tightening around him as if Henry wanted to shield him from every bad thing in the world and fuck if Alex doesn't fall in love harder.
"I- I can't... can't... tell you," Alex gasps out, his thoughts a tangled mess. Henry holds him tighter, pressing more kisses on his head and Alex wants to break something. He can't believe Will has this wonderful man to himself and can't even treat him right. Alex'd never do that. He'd give Henry the fucking world.
"'Course you can, love," Henry says soothingly, a hand rubbing Alex's back, but Alex can't. It would destroy them.
"You-you don't get it," Alex says between sobs, desperately holding on. "I can't, Henry."
"Wh-" Henry starts to say, but Will chooses that moment to step into the alleyway. Alex pushes in closer, trying to get that last second of comfort before he has to pull away, but Henry surprises him by pulling him closer, urging Alex to turn his head so he can hide it in the crook of his neck. His hand is gentle, cupping the back of Alex's head. He knows Alex hates people seeing him cry and Henry wanting to protect him makes his heart break all over again for the thousandth time.
"Everything okay?" Will asks, eyes darting over the both of them.
"Everything's fine, love," Henry says and Alex lets out a helpless noise as he hears Henry call Will 'love,' pushing his face closer, biting his lip so the sobs don't escape. Henry rubs a hand down his back to soothe him. Alex doesn't know what Will's face is doing and he has no interest in knowing. All he knows is Henry is holding him close and that's what matters.
"You've been gone for a while," Will says and there's something in his voice Alex can't pinpoint. "Wanted to see if you were alright."
"We'll be inside soon," Henry says, stiffening slightly. He holds Alex tighter, his hand still cupping the back of Alex's head. Henry doesn't offer any other explanations, doesn't say anything about Alex having a whole ass breakdown even if Will can see it and Alex feels so grateful.
"Okay, miss you," Will says and Alex can hear the him leave as the footsteps fade away.
"Alex? Love?" Henry asks as he starts to pull away, but Alex let's out a whine as he clutches Henry closer. He has his Henry in his arms and he cannot let go.
"Can we talk about it later? At home?" Alex asks instead. They're never going to have this conversation, not if Alex has any power. "I just want you to hold me right now."
"Of course. Whatever you need, darling," Henry says, pressing more kisses on his head. Alex wishes he dies so he never has to let go.
After a few minutes, Alex reluctantly pulls away, his arms dropping helplessly to his side like they don't know what to do now that he's not desperately clutching onto Henry. His eyes are probably red from all the crying, his face a mess. Henry still looks at him like he's the most precious thing in the world and if Alex had more tears left, he's sure he'd start crying again. He roughly wipes an arm across his face, getting rid of the wetness. Then, taking a deep breath in, he forces a small grin to stretch across his face. It feels all wrong and fake, and Henry knows it, but he doesn't call Alex out on it.
"Okay! Let's go celebrate now!" Alex says with enthusiasm he absolutely doesn't feel. "You and Alex are getting married, and I'm sure you're gonna be so happy together! Let's drink to that!"
"Will," Henry whispers, looking at Alex, his face a perfect picture of devastation. "I'm getting married to Will, Alex."
"Fuck," Alex curses with all the dread he can feel as he turns on his heel and runs back home before Henry can ask him to explain himself.
Henry didn't come home last night.
Alex had come home, locked himself in the bedroom and wrapped himself in his duvet. He stayed up all night listening for the sound of the key turning in the lock, but it never came. Alex hopes he hasn't ruined everything. He knows if Henry looks too closely at all this, at the last few weeks, he'd probably understand what's going on. He's not fucking stupid, especially when it comes to Alex. Alex is terrified.
At ten in the morning, Henry walks into his room and Alex feels a strong sense of deja vu. He's going to kill himself if Henry reminds Alex of the engagement.
Instead, Henry walks in, looks at Alex with deep bruises under his eyes and says, "You're such a fucking idiot."
Affronted, Alex huffs out an, "Excuse me?"
Henry shoves a hand in his hair and fuck, Alex wants to do that. Then, he realises two things in quick succession. One, Henry is smiling at him softly. Two, there's no ring on his finger.
"Sweetheart," Alex breathes out, eyes firmly on Henry's hand. There's something like hope slowly rising in his chest and he wants to shove it away but he can't.
"I broke it off," Henry says, faux casual, rising to the tips on his toes before settling back down. Alex can tell he's anxious. He's restless. He's nervous. Alex loves him.
"Baby," Alex gasps, and his voice doesn't break, it does not. He's never called Henry that, but he knows immediately he's never calling Henry anything else ever again. He sees the visceral reaction Henry has to that pet name-- he jolts, his mouth falls open a little, his cheeks so scarlet they're almost maroon.
"Come fucking here," Alex demands, pulling Henry into his lap once he's close enough. Puts his hands around his to give him a quick squeeze before the cups his cheeks. "What happened?"
"I didn't love him. Not really," Henry confesses, his voice quiet. His hands come to wrap around Alex's shoulders. "He was cheating on me, but I didn't care, Alex. I didn't think I deserved anything more an-"
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him. How fucking dare he? Hen, baby, just say the word and I swear to God he will regret the day he was born," Alex vows, the dread he's felt over the past twelve hours turning into fiery heat and anger.
"Shh," Henry says, pressing their foreheads together. "I honestly don't much care about that, Alex. When I found out, I didn't even feel a thing."
"Baby, even if you don't care, I do. You didn't deserve that. Nobody gets to treat you like that-- like they have no respect for you. I'm going to make sure he regrets the day he even laid eyes on someone other than you."
"Alex, thank you, I appreciate the thought, but I know people who truly matter wouldn't do that to me. Not ever," Henry says and his eyes are so soft and Alex is so in love.
"I wouldn't do that to you," Alex says helplessly and Henry lets out a soft laugh, closing his eyes. He presses their faces closer, a soft smile on his face.
"I know you wouldn't, darling."
Alex wants to kiss him and he knows he can but there's something stopping him, something at the back of his mind and-
"Wait," he says and Henry's eyes flow open. They're so fucking blue Alex wants to fucking drown in them. "What did you mean when you said you didn't think you deserved anything more?"
"I have loved you since we were kids, Alex," Henry murmurs, his voice quivering. Alex can't breathe. He holds Henry's face, pressing their foreheads together more closely. It shouldn't be possible, they're as close as they can get, but Alex is a stubborn motherfucker.
"I've been in love with you for bloody ages," he continues, his voice hushed. "You were always so vibrant, so fucking alive. You lit up every room you walked into and I kept on falling hopelessly in love with you. You smiled and I was gone. You were angry and I was gone. You were so passionate about everything you did, and I fell more in love. You're so full of life, darling, and I'm so... not, especially since my father passed away. I'm not like you. I'm dark and I... ruin things. You deserved so much more than me.
Will, well, he never really made me feel anything, but it was fine, and I never thought I deserved anything more so I just accepted whatever he gave me. I know he didn't particularly care about me, but we made it work. But then yesterday night I saw you cry like that, and then you said... that. I thought it might've just been a slip of tongue at first, but then I saw how you reacted. Our friends laid out some facts, and well, I thought there was a chance you loved me back, especially when I realised you started acting weird right after I announced my engagement. So, I took a chance on us, darling. It was the hardest damn thing I've done, but I saw how much pain I'd already caused you. I'm sorry about that. I wanted to make things right. If there was even a silver of chance that you felt the same, I promised myself I'd do my hardest to make you the happiest man on the planet. To keep that vibrance in you alive. Our friends drilled some sense in me. They told me I didn't get to make the choice for us, that we had to make it together. So, I love you, Alex."
Alex is crying again by the time Henry's done speaking, and he can't wait any further. He's dreamt of kissing Henry since he was, like, thirteen, so he tilts his face to press their lips together. It's everything he's dreamt of. He urges Henry to open his mouth, and the second their tongues touch, Alex knows he could kiss Henry till they grow old and die. He kisses Henry like he's a starving man and Henry gives it back. Fuck, he's so fucking in love and he's loved. Life isn't real.
"You're an obtuse fucking asshole, but you're the bravest man I know," Alex rasps out minutes later. "You deserve everything. That vibrance you're talking about? It's there because of you, you fucking idiot. You don't ruin everything, baby. Do you honestly not know you're the reason I keep going? I'd be so fucking lost without you. Life would be meaningless without you. Of fucking course I love you. Have you seen yourself? You're my everything, baby."
His legs are going numb because Henry's been sitting on him for a while, but he'd rather have them cut off than have Henry get off. Alex presses his lips to Henry's throat, sucking a bruise there. "You're my everything. You're all mine, aren't you?"
Henry keens, his arching his back. His cheeks are flushed with colour, his pupils blown wide. Alex smirks as he pulls back to look at him.
"You really like hearing that, huh? You're mine, baby," he says again because he can. It's the fucking truth. This is the best fucking day of his life. His birthday came early and all that.
Henry lets out a desperate sound and suddenly he's right there, kissing Alex within an inch of his life. Fuck yes, he can do this until they die. Speaking of.
"Hey, hey," Alex says as he pulls away with great difficulty. Someone give him a medal, Henry is a goddamn model. He presses a thumb to the bruise he's left on Henry's neck and he feels something settle in him as he watches it. Henry's claimed. By him. Not by that dishrag of a man. Fucking Will can get fucked.
"So, I know you were engaged to, like, some fucking asshole up until last night. This morning? I dunno, semantics. Anyway. The whole time, Hen, I wished it was me. I wish you were engaged to me. I wish you were marrying me. I kept on thinking of how we've been living together and we're practically already married. Like, fuck that guy. I kept on thinking on how it was supposed to be us, baby. You and me. Married. I wanted to be your husband. I want that. Fuck, this is, like, all over the place. But baby, I know we're it. There's never going to be anyone else. You're my everything. You're mine, aren't you, baby? I don't have a ring, but," Alex pauses to take a breath. Wipes the tears away from Henry's eyes and places a gentle kiss on his lips. Then, with shaky hands, he takes off his chain from his neck and sees the weight of his action hit Henry as he widens his eyes.
"I promise to get you a ring, but this will have to do for now, baby, sorry. Hen, baby, I love you. Will you marry me?" Alex asks and Henry sobs, pressing their mouths together. He lets the heat of Henry's mouth ground him, titling his head to memorise how he tastes.
"Yes. Fuck, darling, yes I'll marry you, you absolute bloody demon," Henry breathes out like he still cannot believe what's happening. Alex relates. He closes his eyes as Alex slips the chain around his neck, his fingers immediately coming up to clutch at the key of Alex's childhood home, where they'd spent years together falling in love.
Alex's chain with the key to his childhood home hangs from Henry's neck, and fuck, isn't that saying something? The key of his home resting over the heart of his home.