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Maedhros leaned against the garden wall, a few steps away from Celebrían so she could ignore him, if she wanted to. He’d seen her at her arrival, pale and thin and too weak to walk by herself. He hadn’t dared to approach her then and Finrod had whisked her away. He hoped Elrond wouldn’t be alone with the grief for his wife. His heart ached for him and for Celebrían. She’d spent some time in Lórien, but now she was back, living in the palace for now.
He could sense that she was looking at him from the corner of her eyes, trying not to stare.
“I know”, he said softly. “If you ever need to talk. I know.”
He wasn’t sure what she would think of him, what Elrond had told her — Artanis surely hadn’t spoken too well of him. He just wanted to leave her alone again, when Celebrían said: “Thank you. I… feel like people think I should be healed. And I am — in a way. But…”
“It never leaves you completely”, Maedhros finished her sentence, when it looked like she wouldn’t.
“Yes. Things like these”, she motioned at the ballroom, “are still a bit much for me. Especially when it’s in my honour and everyone is looking at me. Everyone is very nice to me and Finrod is a dear, but…”
“I understand. The Family can be a bit much anyway.” Maedhros smiled wryly. “Finrod knows, too, by he way. He’s just better at keeping that sunny disposition of his up in public.”
She threw him a sharp glance that made him wonder if Finrod hadn’t already shared some of his own darknesses with her.
“Anyway. I can understand if you aren’t particularly well disposed towards me, all things considered… I just wanted to offer you an understanding ear.”
Celebrían smiled at him. “Whatever makes you think that? Why wouldn’t I be well disposed towards you?” She seemed genuinely surprised and Maedhros didn’t want to remind her of what he’d done. “I haven’t seen that much of Tirion, yet”, she continued. “Maybe… if you don’t mind… we could go for a drink somewhere and talk?”
“Of course. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at moonrise?”
“I’d like that. Thank you.”
Celebrían watched Maedhros over her glass of wine. They were sitting outside, the moon silvering his hair. It was strange to sit with him, the elf her husband had called father — sometimes with a look in his eyes that dared anyone to disagree. Her own father had called him and his brothers Evil, never forgetting what they’d done in Doriath. She didn’t know what to think of him — but he’d been perceptive enough to notice that she needed someone to talk to and if anyone knew what she’d suffered, it would be him.
“My husband… he loves you dearly”, she blurted out, not sure why she’d said it. Surely he knew? But what he’d said the other day made her wonder.
Maedhros stared at her. “He… told you this?”, he croaked.
“Yes.” Celebrían smiled at him. “He was always very open about his time with you and your brother. He would be so happy to know that you’re alive.”
“He should not love his kidnappers”, Maedhros said bitterly, looking away. “We killed their people and parted them from their parents.”
“He never said that wasn’t wrong. But you cared for him and his brother. And he still loves you. He is like that”, she croaked, feeling a lump form in her throat. “He’s so kind and gentle and…” She couldn’t hold back the sob.
She hadn’t wanted to leave him — or their children — but she’d been so close to death, her fea aching to leave her defiled hroa. She’d been so far gone, she had not even noticed what Elrond was up to until they’d reached the Havens. She should have been angry with him for making that decision for her but every time she tried, his anguished face as he said goodbye to her came to her mind. There were people around but she couldn’t care right now for the pain in her heart of knowing her loved ones to be unreachable on the other side of so wide a sea.
“May I touch you”, Maedhros said softly and Celebrían tensed.
“Please don’t”, she whispered. It didn’t throw her into a panic anymore, but it still made her uncomfortable.
“Alright”, he said, not judging her at all and she felt easier for it. “What can I do?”
“Nothing.” Celebrían sniffed and gulped down half her wine. “I just miss him. Them. Elrond and my children. But thank you for asking.”
“I know better than to just grab people”, Maedhros said with a wry smile.
That hadn’t been what she’d meant, but she didn’t correct him.
“I wish there were more people around who… have these experiences”, she said. “Not, that I’d wish that on anyone, but…”
“There are more than you think. Ecthelion and his people for example.”
“Ecthelion?” Celebrían didn’t understand what he meant and that must have shown on her face.
“Oh, maybe you aren’t aware. I hear there’s still the account of him dying in the Fall of Gondolin going around.”
“No, no. I know he lived. Glorfindel told us”, she interrupted him quickly. “But he…”
“He is the leader of the elves who were in Angband. He knows too. And… he holds gatherings at his house for his people. I’d go there with you, if you’d like.”
Celebrían felt a surge of hope. She had not allowed herself to think it — her family was nice to her, they did their best to make her welcome, she didn’t want to be ungrateful — but she’d felt lonely and depressed sometimes at how little they understood. Not that most of them didn’t have their own traumatic experiences in the past, but it was different. With the exception of Finrod and Maedhros none of them had been captives of the Enemy. Sometimes she felt broken because she couldn’t get over it. But she was not alone. She admitted, that even though Maedhros had already been a relief, the knowledge that there seemed to be a group of people like her made her feel less anxious.
“Thank you for telling me”, she said gratefully. “I’d like to go there with you.”
Maedhros smiled at her. “You’re welcome. I’d be glad to help you in any way I can. Don’t hesitate to call on me.”
Celebrían reached out and squeezed his hand. “Elrond was right, you are a kind person.”
A flush spread over Maedhros’s face and he mumbled something unintelligible.
“Yes, you are”, she affirmed. “And I’m glad you approached me. I feel much better now.”
“You’ve been to Ecthelion’s parties, haven’t you?”, Maedhros asked with his heart hammering in his chest. He didn’t know what had gotten into him when he’d offered to accompany Celebrían there. But she’d looked so sad and he’d wanted to help her.
“Yes”, Fingon looked surprised. “Now and then. I like the music and they are welcoming to outsiders. Haven’t you ever?”
Maedhros squirmed. He’d met Ecthelion some time ago and the elf had invited him, but he’d never made it there. “No”, he said. “I’m not like them. I was a prisoner of war, not a slave, I was not put to work. My experiences”, his voice hitched, “are so different from theirs.”
At least that was what he was trying to convince everyone else of. He’d never told Fingon much about what had happened to him in Angband, his friend had stopped asking when he realised questions were not welcome.
“But now you want to go there?”, Fingon asked with a smile. “I can come with you, if you want.”
Maedhros had hoped he’d say that. “Yes… well, I kind of promised Celebrían to take her, but I don’t want to go alone. It makes me nervous.”
Fingon chuckled. “And people call me the shy one.”
Maedhros glared at him. “That’s not it. I just… I don’t want them to remember my captivity and wonder what happened. Or even worse, ask about it”, he admitted and looked down on his hands. “It shouldn’t bother me so much after all the time that has gone by and Mandos.”
“That’s bullshit!”, Fingon said with a glare. “Mandos’s healing doesn’t work that way and you should know it. Do you think I never dream of the Nirnaeth? And my guess is, if anyone is going to accept that you don’t want to talk about Angband, it’s the Angband-elves.”
Maedhros wondered if he was right. At least he would have him at his side when he went there, someone else to look out for Celebrían if he should lose his nerve.
Fingon grinned at him. “Don’t look so bleak. It’s going to be fun!”
Maedhros forced himself to smile. “If you say so.”
Maedhros cringed inwardly when Ecthelion smiled widely at seeing them coming towards the house.
“Welcome, Maedhros! I’m happy to see you here. Welcome, Fingon, you haven’t had enough of our music yet?”
Fingon laughed. “Never.”
“This is Celebrían”, Maedhros said and squeezed her hand comfortingly. He was nervous himself but determined not to let her see. “She is only recently arrived from Middle-earth and she has had some experiences similar to yours.”
Ecthelion’s face became serious. “I hope our company will help you to heal, Celebrían. It is sad to hear that these things still happen on the other side of the sea. Please come in and feel at home. There’s music in the hall and quiet places in the garden, if you wish for it.”
“Thank you”, she smiled at Ecthelion. “I’m pleased to meet you. Glorfindel speaks very highly of you.”
“You know Glorfindel?”
“Yes! He found my husband, Elrond. He’s Turgon’s great-grandson.”
“Ah yes. He was very insistent to go back.” Ecthelion chuckled. “I’m still a little surprised the Valar made an exception for him.”
“He’s a dear friend.” Celebrían smiled. A little sadly, Maedhros thought. It must be so hard for her to be separated from her family and friends, on top of everything. “I’m glad they did.”
Maedhros cradled a cup of wine between his hands. He was standing with his back against a wall and watched Celebrían who had taken to this gathering like a fish to water. She was chatting and laughing with some of the other guests. Maedhros was glad she was so happy and enjoying herself. He felt awkward. At least everyone seemed to notice that he needed his distance.
“What’s wrong?” He jumped when Fingon leaned against the wall beside him.
“Nothing.” Maedhros took a sip from his wine and hoped he looked calm and collected, but Fingon knew him way too well.
“Oh, come on. I know that look in your eyes. What’s bothering you?”
“I…” Maedhros fidgeted. “I feel out of place because I don’t want to see myself in them. I was not a slave.” Except that was not exactly true.
Fingon touched his arm lightly. “Why is that distinction so important to you? Can you explain it to me?”
Maedhros licked his lips. “You come here for the music, you say”, he said slowly. “But you must have heard other things here, too. What do you think of them?”
“What do you mean?”
“Some people despise them for… not fleeing their bodies.”
Fingon stared at him. “Do you really think I’d be like those peop… no, you… you fear that others are going to view you like that, look down on you for…”
Maedhros looked away when he saw the realisation dawn on Fingon’s face.
“Maedhros”, his friend whispered. “I didn’t know.”
“I did not want you to”, Maedhros croaked. “I don’t want anyone to know. Being my father’s son, being me after everything we did, is hard enough. Better they view me as the Steadfast, who did not break, than… what really happened.” Maedhros felt the memories crowd in on his mind and reached for Fingon’s hand to have something real to hold on to. “I can’t let everyone see how pathetic I really am.”
Maedhros realised he’d lifted his voice in his agitation and looked around, frightened someone might have heard him, but if they had, they did not show it.
“You are not pathetic.” Fingon squeezed his hand back. “Let’s go outside. I think some fresh air will do you good.”
Maedhros followed him, only noticing now that he was trembling all over. Fingon steered him to a vacant bench in the cool twilight of a few lamps.
“It’s alright, we’re out of sight now. I can’t believe you carried this with you all this time without telling anyone. I don’t know how you’ve borne it.”
“Your father knows”, Maedhros whispered. “I wouldn’t have made it through without him. And I think Maglor suspects, but he’s been as respectful of my privacy as you.”
“I’m beginning to think we should have been less respectful about that.” Fingon looked concerned. “Is there anything I can do, Maedhros?”
Maedhros shook his head. “Forget about it again”, he said with a bitter smile, knowing that wouldn’t happen. “I don’t want you to think of me… of Him doing that to me.”
Fingon’s eyes were doubtful, but he nodded. “I won’t bring it up again, unless you do so first.”
“Thank you”, Maedhros said softly.
“But I wish you were able to accept the companionship of the Angband-elves”, Fingon added. “You brought Celebrían here, because you thought it would be good for her — and she seems to like it. Why can’t you enjoy it, too. No one outside this place has to know what you don’t want them to know. Even if you were to talk about it here, the Angband-elves wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Maybe not, but…” Maedhros looked up when he heard footsteps come closer.
“I noticed you were gone”, Celebrían said. “Are you alright?”
“Yes. Just needed a bit of fresh air”, Maedhros said and tried to smile. He didn’t want her to worry about him. He must have not been very convincing, because she shook her head slightly and sat down beside him.
“Maybe that’s true, and in that case I’ll leave in a moment”, she said. “I just wanted to check on you. But in case it isn’t true: You are not alone. That’s what you told me, and showed me by bringing me here. And you aren’t either.”
Maedhros shook his head. “You don’t know…”
“I don’t have to. They don’t know about me either”, Celebrían pointed in the direction of the house. “But it’s not necessary. We share something and bearing it together makes it easier. We don’t have to hide here, but we also don’t need to talk about particulars.” She stood up again. “I’m going inside again. Come and dance with me, if you like.”
Fingon said nothing as they watched her go back to the house. “Is she right?”, he finally asked.
Maedhros took a deep breath. “Maybe. Yes! But I still feel like I have to hide.”
“Have to, or want to?”
Maedhros buried his face in his hands and groaned. “I don’t know.”
Fingon patted his back. “I can’t tell you what to do, my friend, but there’s a very nice lady waiting for you to dance with her. Maybe doing her the favour will make it clearer?”
Maedhros sighed and rose. “You are insufferable.” He smiled at Fingon. “And she is obviously part of the family.”
Fingon’s chuckle followed him as he went towards the house.
Celebrían kept half an eye on the terrace doors while she danced with one of her new friends. She felt… home here, more at home than at the palace. It was much more like Imladris — a haven, a save place. The people here were a family and they had invited her in. She felt something that had been tightly coiled inside her finally loosen. The song ended and Celebrían gave her dancing partner a smile.
“May I have the honour of the next dance?”, Maedhros asked and extended his hand.
Celebrían laid her hand in his. “You may, cousin. I hoped you’d decide to join me.”
“Oh, I had a choice?” Maedhros laughed softly. “I felt like both you and Fingon would have been cross with me, if I’d declined.”
“Maybe.” Celebrían winked but quickly became serious again. “It’s your first time here, too, isn’t it? You came for me.” She didn’t know how to feel about that. It had been gallant of him, but it also clearly was something he wasn’t sure about doing.
“I didn’t want you to have to do it alone”, he said. “Though I’ve not been good company. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”
Celebrían sighed. Elrond had told her how stubbornly Maedhros had tried to hide his worries and fears from him and his brother. “You worried about me and it made me feel better. Why can’t you accept that others worry about you? Why do you need to hide even here?”
Maedhros looked down at here with an expressionless face and Celebrían wondered, if she’d gone too far. She hardly knew him, he might think her too forward. But Elrond would care and Maedhros had helped her. She wanted to help him, too.
“I have done so many terrible things”, Maedhros said softly. “Things I regret deeply. I don’t trust easily that others would want to look beyond that and not hate me. I can’t show myself vulnerable and give them a way to hurt me.” He laughed bitterly. “I find it hard to believe that Elrond should speak of me lovingly. I find it hard to believe that you would share his views. It’s hard enough being me with most people at least grudgingly respecting me for surviving Angband ‘unbroken’. I can’t have them look at me the way they would, if they knew the truth. With pity or scorn.”
Celebrían saw the pain in his eyes and touched his cheek gently with the back of her hand. “No one would do that here.” She’d only spend time with these people for a few hours, but she was sure of it. She knew the horrible tales about the Feanorions, she knew not everyone could forgive. (She thought her father might punch any of Feanor’s sons in the face if he ever had the chance.) But she’d also heard that many of the Angband-elves had a special relationship with the orcs who lived on Tol Eressea. The thought of meeting an orc, even a supposedly nice one, made her feel queasy but if they’d forgiven their captors, she found it hard to believe they’d want to take revenge on Maedhros.
“I already know I’ve found a home here”, she said. “I wish, you could let yourself do that too.”
“I’m not sure I can.” Maedhros answered. “But I thank you for your kindness.”
Celebrían opened her mouth to tell him to try at least. But she didn’t. It felt too much like what people had been saying to her. He would not pay him back for giving her comfort by pushing him further than he wanted to go. She had to stand on the tips of her toes to kiss his cheek.
“Alright. But don’t forget that I like you and care for you and that there are other people who know you a lot better than me who do so too. You don’t have to carry this burden alone and it is never too late to be ready.”
The dance was over and Maedhros squeezed her hands before letting her go.
“Thank you”, he said sincerely, voice husky.
Celebrían held his gaze. “Thank you for being there for me and bringing me here. And I hope this is not the end of our acquaintance.”
He smiled at that. “No. I’d be honoured to be your friend.”
“And you are.” Celebrían felt a warmth in her chest. She was truly happy today and Maedhros had given that to her. She wished he could share her happiness, but she knew she couldn’t force him to and she didn’t try.
Maedhros leaned on the windowsill of his bedroom and looked out over the city. Dawn was rising in the east. I had been late, when they’d returned to the palace and he hadn’t been able to sleep.
He wished he could crawl into Nolofinwe’s bed and be held until the ache in his chest lessened. But it was one of Anaire’s nights and although he guessed, she wouldn’t be angry with him in a situation like this, he didn’t want to disturb them.
He wished he could allow himself to find a family among the Angband-elves as Celebrían so clearly had done.
He wished he could let go of the half-lies and stop having to have such a tight reign on his emotions in public. He could let go with Nolofinwe and he loved him all the more for it, but it was different.
Maedhros pressed his hands against the window frame until the wood creaked.
He wished… but he couldn’t. Even the Angband-elves wouldn’t be able to ignore who he was — even if they’d be so kind to try. He could not share their community. He’d always stand out. He’d always be Maedhros Feanorion and he couldn’t deal with that and the memories of Angband at the same time. He wasn’t strong like that. He would crumble and break under the double weight of his guilt and shame.
He heard footsteps behind. "I could feel your troubles", Nolofinwe said softly.
Maedhros drew a trembling breath and let himself melt into his love's embrace. "I didn't want to disturb you, I'm sorry."
"You should not be alone", Nolofinwe answered. "What can I do."
"Just hold me." He didn't want to talk. "I need to know you're here."
Nolofinwe kissed his forehead and drew him towards the sofa.