Work Text:
Raph laid in the dark of his room, the only light coming from the dying artificial light in his pumpkin lamp. He was in his room for the night, but had no intention of falling asleep. At this point, he didn’t know if he’d be able to.
He used to be a good person. A long time ago, he was a good person. But not anymore, because he’d done so many things wrong in the past few hours to completely overshadow every good thing he’d ever done.
He hurt his brothers. It was all he ever did. He’d had a bad day, and couldn’t help taking it out on his brothers. He felt like he was out of control. He was out of control, because there was no possibility a sane person would do what he did.
He’d gone too far in training, taking out his anger on Mikey. It was awful. There was blood. He’d attacked Mikey, but he hadn’t meant to. He hadn’t meant to go that far, he’d never hurt his little brother, but he did. He’d stumbled out of the room to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet when he realized exactly what he’d done.
When he’d gone to Donnie’s lab to check up on Mikey, who was being treated for his injuries, he’d been shocked at the damage he’d done. He got angry all over again, but angry at himself. He tried to apologize, because he needed to say it, to say something, anything, because Mikey was his little brother and he needed to make it right.
But Mikey wouldn’t look at him. He wouldn’t say a word. And Raph was angry, so angry at himself, so he swiped all of the things off Donnie’s desk in a fit of rage. Donnie exploded at him, screaming that his stuff was important, but he was so angry he didn’t hear a word. He yelled back, and Mikey flinched. He flinched, and Raph stopped in his tracks. Mikey was afraid of him, he’d done that, he’d made his little brother afraid of him. Raph was horrified by his actions so he stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.
Just outside the door, Leo was there with his arms crossed. He was disappointed, and Raph was too, but he didn’t need a lecture, and told him that. Leo got angry so Raph did the same, and suddenly they were screaming at each other and Raph shoved him and Leo landed on the ground behind him, scraping the palms of his hands.
Raph heaved, staring at him with so much rage, hands hovering over the sai in his belt. Leo looked to where his hands were and his eyes widened, and Raph saw it all. Leo was afraid of him, and he hated it because he had every right to be, he was right to be afraid because Raph was someone to be feared.
It was in his room, sitting in the dark, going over the events that had happened, that he came to the conclusion that he did. It was obvious, because how could it not be?
How could he not be a monster?
He was a monster, plain and simple. That’s what he was, and maybe that’s all he’s ever been. He’d been a good person at one point in his life, he’d been a good brother, a good friend, someone to be proud of. He’d been worthy.
But not now. Now, he was a monster. He wasn’t a person, because you couldn’t be a person and a monster at the same time. He was a monster because what kind of person hurts their family like he did? Who in their right mind does what he’d done? Who hurts their family, makes them afraid, makes them fear him in every deep, animalistic way? Who does that?
What happened to me? He asked himself, and he didn’t know the answer. He used to be a good person, and now he’d contorted into something wicked and horrible and a copy of what he’d once been, but a copy that had been lost in translation. He was a darker, meaner, evil version of the original, a revolting parody of his past self. He was disgusted with what he’d become, but maybe he didn’t become this. Maybe he’d been this rotten and vile and corrupt monster all along. Maybe he was this malicious from the start.
Raph had come to the haunting conclusion that this was all he was. It’s all he ever would be.