Work Text:
Harry finished drawing the last line before setting down his quill.
They looked at his artwork in silence for a moment. It consisted of only a few lines and circles and looked sort of crooked.
“Are you sure that’s correct?” Sirius asked skeptically. He couldn’t make out how this was supposed to function in real life.
Harry shrugged. “That’s what I saw the seventh years draw.”
“What's this?” He pointed at a shape of two lines that were sort of going around the rest and coming together at the top.
“I've no idea.”
“Well, maybe that's it, then."
“Really?” Harry responded doubtfully. “But if it's so big why do they always say men can't find it?
“Maybe everyone thinks it's really hard to find and they neglect the obvious bits,” he reasoned, in his opinion quite soundly.
Harry scoffed, as if his godfather was being thick in the head on purpose. “That can't be it.”
“Well, I don't know!” Sirius threw his hands in the air, because really, why was Harry asking him of all people and then had the audacity to scold him for not being helpful? He pointed at one of two circle shapes. “What's that?”
His godson suddenly looked sheepish. “You know the ... the hole,” he whispered the last word as if it was taboo to say.
Sirius showed no such delicacies. “I thought that was the arse and this is where the hole is.” He pointed at the other circle shape a bit further up.
“I think that's ... another hole,” he ended weakly.
“Another hole? And what does this one do?”
“I think that's where they pee out of.”
“That seems impractical.” Sirius frowned, trying to imagine the mechanics. Then he threw his hands up in defeat again. “Well, I dunno how to help you with this, Haz. Just ask her.”
“I can't ask her!”
“Why not?”
“Because!”
Sirius rolled his eyes. This boy was going to make him lose his mind. “Just ask her what she likes, I'm sure she knows best.”
“Help me!” Harry pleaded and Sirius almost pitied him.
Almost.
“How? Look, if you're going to shove your dick inside her you might as well just ask her where the clitoris is.”
“I can’t!” Harry whined.
“What you can’t do is have sex without talking. Merlin, what's with the young people these days? Do you not talk anymore?”
“I know that. And we do. I just ... wanna be prepared. I want her to be impressed,” he said sheepishly, looking pained and, okay, now Sirius sort of felt bad for the boy.
That didn’t change how extremely unqualified he was to answer his questions, though.
He sighed. “Well, I'm sorry, Hazza, but I dunno how to help you with this.”
That’s when they heard the front door to the cottage unlock. Harry’s head shot up and he looked at him with wide, panicked eyes, before hastily folding up the parchment with the drawing, almost knocking over the ink. Sirius kept it from falling over and took the parchment.
“Give me that,” he mumbled and then shood him away with his hands. “Go. Hide. Sofa.”
He made sure the ink was out of danger before spreading out the crumpled parchment on the table again.
One last look in the direction of the sofa told him Harry had successfully hidden, and then Remus swept in their little kitchen-slash-living room-arrangement, bringing in a whiff of the air outside.
“Afternoon,” he said in greeting and set down his bag on the table, about to take off his robe and give Sirius a kiss, as his eyes fell on the drawing over Sirius’s shoulder.
He stilled. For what felt like a very long time. Sirius didn’t look up. He wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he looked at Remus’s face even for a second.
“What am I looking at, Pads?” Remus finally asked with a level voice.
“It's called a vagina, Remus,” Sirius answered, keeping his voice level as well, as if Remus should know better.
Remus took a few seconds to answer, and Sirius knew the logs in his brain were churning and he was trying very hard not to laugh, but when he spoke he was still calm and level sounding. To the untrained ear, at least. Sirius could hear the hidden amusement in his voice.
“A vulva, you mean. I'm pretty sure the vagina is just that part.” He pointed at the lower one of the circles. “The vulva is all of this.” Now he waved his hand to indicate the whole of the drawing. “Now why are we looking at a drawing of a vulva?”
“I was looking for the clitoris,” Sirius said as if that was a usual occurrence that was really to be expected.
He could see Remus biting back a laugh through his periphery as another silent moment passed, only interrupted by a tiny cough on Remus’s part.
“Has your search been successful?” he asked finally, and yep, Remus was having way too much fun.
“Not particularly,” he admitted, sounding only slightly salty to his own ears.
Remus took a long, steadying breath. “It's right ... “ He pointed at a point between the lines. “There.”
“There's nothing there,” he supplied helpfully in case Remus had lost his mind now too.
But Remus was unfazed. “Exactly, because you forgot to draw it.” He picked up the quill and drew a little dot before adding a crooked arrow and helpfully scrawling the word ‘clitoris’ in his terrible handwriting.
Sirius was pretty sure that was wrong. “That's it? A dot?”
“Well it's more like ... a nub?” he said, visibly cringing at his own choice of words. “I suppose.”
Sirius huffed. “It's tiny, no wonder no one can find it.”
Remus hummed sort of noncommittally “It's much bigger than that, really.”
“Where's the rest of it?”
He sighed, probably at Sirius’s incompetence on the matter. “It goes all the way inside. It's a whole organ. The g-spot? That's where that is. Care to tell me why we are looking for the clitoris?”
“To find it of course, why else would I be looking for it. You're weird, Moony,” he said with the most level voice he could muster.
“Right. Of course. And now that you've found it, what are you going to do?” Remus replied with way too much amusement in his voice.
“Think about it.”
And he wasn’t looking at his face but Sirius could imagine the expression he had; raised eyebrows and tight lips to hold back a smile. “I have to say, I'm impressed. Thinking about the location of the clitoris is not an activity many gay men participate in. Or even straight men, now that I'm thinking about it. Trying to find it shows ... initiative.” He was torturing Sirius and Remus knew it, and Sirius knew it, and they all went along with it anyway, because he would never rat out Harry. He wasn’t a traitor.
“I'm not just any guy. I'm Sirius Black. I should know where everything is. What's that, by the way.” He pointed at the lines he had asked Harry about earlier. If he was already doing this, he might as well get the most of it.
“That's the inner labia.”
“What's that do?”
Remus breathed in. “I think it might protect the urethra? I'm not sure, actually.”
That Sirius could work with. “Where they pee out of?”
“Exactly.” He straightened up beside him. “Have we cleared up all questions you might have about the vulva?”
Sirius finally caved in and cringed. “Please stop saying that.”
He regretted it immediately. Rule number one: never show Remus that he’s winning.
“What, vulva?” he asked, voice dripping with feigned innocence and amusement. “Why, you're the one who drew it. And, might I add, not too badly considering you've never seen one.”
Fuck, he was on to him.
“Thanks,” Sirius gritted out.
“Well,” Remus suddenly said loudly. “If you or anyone else were to have any more questions, I find that someone with said sexual organ is usually very happy to be asked about it and to pass on all and any information. That way misinformation is also avoided. Communication is key, especially if someone were to engage in sexual activities, though” – he leaned in closer to his ear and Sirius could hear the sweet smile in his voice – “I trust you already know that, Sirius. And I don't need to lecture you on the importance of safe sex either, of course. Now.” He clapped his hands together and picked up the bag from where it was sat on the table. Sirius will continue to pretend he never flinched. “I am going upstairs to my office where I will be spending the rest of the afternoon. If anyone should have any urgent questions, you know where to find me.” He leaned down to give Sirius a kiss on the cheek, who was still resolutely not looking directly at his face and just gave a hum as response.
He waited until Remus’s steps faded away.
“Found it,” he then said drily into the empty room. “You owe me by the way.”
-
Later that day Remus came down from his study.
“Have you come to any reveling conclusions about the clitoris?” he asked cheerfully, directed at Sirius who was reading on the sofa.
Sirius threw a pillow and hit his target on the back. “Fuck you.”
Remus just laughed.