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Hyde stood in front of the window and stared out into a cold autumn night. It was raining heavily, the sky was covered with even heavier, black clouds. Not a single star to see, only the eerie orange light of the street-lanterns illuminating the darkness that had fallen on the streets. But it wasn't ever really bright in this town, Hyde thought. It was always dark. Different shades of black and grey. Even daylight was grey. Colorless, lifeless.
Or maybe he was just imagining it. After all, there was no light in his heart either. No color on his pale skin, his cold, water-colored eyes. None on his bleak, black clothing. There were times he didn't even feel like a human. More like a shadow, the impression of a human being but without the flesh to weigh him down.
And he was light, he was so light on his feet. Light like a bird with hollow bones. Because it wasn't difficult to be light, if you were empty. And he felt empty. So horribly, horribly empty. Hyde took a deep gulp out of the wine bottle he was holding. He felt the red liquid dripple down his chin.
“Stop that”, a soft voice spoke up behind him.
Hyde didn't turn around. “Why?”, he asked, dully.
“Because it doesn't help. And you know it.”
Hyde sighed deeply. He put the bottle down on the windowsill. “Nothing else does either.”
Silence. Then: “That's not true.”
“Prove it to me. Oh, great doctor”, Hyde mocked.
He continued to stare out the window. A handful of people were still out, scurrying over the sidewalk, their capes drawn over their heads to shield them from the rain. Not men, but lost shadows, black forms and shapes. Just like him. He pressed his hands against the cold glass. His nose almost touching the windowpane. He didn't blink, he didn't move. He just watched.
Jekyll was still standing behind him in the room. He could see him in the reflection of the window. The room wasn't that warm, but still a lot warmer than the streets. And it was dry and it was clean and lit by the glow of many little flickering candles. Jekyll looked younger than he had for a long time. The sleeves of his shirt rolled up, the first two buttons open.
Jekyll had always looked so old, even in his youth. Always so serious and fearful, each of his steps had been so heavy. He looked softer now, open and unsure how to express himself. He had never learned how to be a person. Only how to hide. Jekyll looked so vulnerable right now, Hyde could see it in his face. When had he stopped to look outside and looked at those reflections instead? Hyde caught a glimpse of his own face and found that he wore the same expression of vulnerability as Jekyll.
“You don't have to go out, you know?”, Jekyll said. His voice was still so warm, so soft. Hyde didn't know if he could handle that. He didn't deserve it.
“You don't have to stray across the city all night if you don't want to”, Jekyll said.
You could stay here instead, Hyde thought. Here, where there was warmth and light. Stop running through the streets, as if he was a kitten, kicked out and abandoned by its owner. Stop running and hiding in alleyways and shitty bars and drinking and getting into fights to forget. To stop caring. Just, to stop feeling all this… stop feeling for one time in his entire goddamn life. And now… “I don't know how to… feel, anymore”, Hyde whispered. “I don't know what I want.”
He could stay here instead. Jekyll wouldn't make him leave, why though, Hyde wasn't sure. The window was slightly opened, cool night air and the smell of rain and city were hitting his face.
“I don't think that is true.”
“According to you, I have believed many lies until tonight”, Hyde replied.
Jekyll lowered his head. “We both have.”
“Why do you want me to stay?”
“For the same reason that you want to stay with me.”
Hyde took a shaky breath. “Don't play tricks on me, old man. I wouldn't forgive you.”
“I know.”
Hyde waited. One heartbeat. A moment passed. Then, he reached out and closed the window. He turned around, finally facing his creator. His other half. Himself. He eyed him suspiciously, unsure. This was an experiment. They both knew, this moment was special. It was a turning point in their lives and for once, Jekyll wanted to make it a good one.
“You helped me escape”, Jekyll explained. “Now let me help you to come home.”
“How?” Hyde's voice came out no more than a whisper.
Jekyll took a step forward. Hyde froze were he stood. He watched as Jekyll approached him. So, so slowly. He reached out, touched his hands, his arms, his shoulders. Shivers were running down Hyde's spine. Overwhelmed by emotion, he had to close his eyes. Oh, he thought. So, I do know how to feel after all. He could feel Jekyll's touch on him like fire, burning even through his clothing. It was impossible to deny, that this was exactly what he wanted. Not that he would try. He wasn't exactly one for denying his want.
The doctor's hands were moving up, touching his cheeks, cupping his face. Hyde was starting to become week in his knees. He was going to collapse, he was sure of it. Jekyll leaned closer and lightly pressed their foreheads together. Hyde could feel his warm breath on his skin. It was coming fast, irregular, his hands were sweating a little. But Hyde didn't mind. Jekyll was nervous too. But he was being courageous.
“I have been a coward. I am sorry”, Jekyll whispered, wiping a tear from Hyde's cheek with his thumb. Hyde didn't even know when he had started crying.
“I always wondered why you were so much younger…”, Jekyll continued. “First, I thought, that it was because of youth's foolishness and rebellious spirit. And though I still think that is true to some extent… there is no other time in life when finding oneself is so intrinsically to the human experience… and I never did. Because I hated what I found. Everybody else hated it also but that's not the point, the point is… that it shouldn't matter. I abandoned myself. I abandoned you. And I am so, so sorry, I made you feel that way. Because you. Are not. Bad. Not really.”
Hyde sobbed. “Stop…”
“No”, Jekyll answered, his voice shaking.
“Please, I can't…” His chest hurt, his body trembled, he was starting to feel lightheaded. He wasn't made for this. This wasn't his purpose. He was made to escape feeling. Not face it.
“No, I need to do this, Edward. We need to do this. Even if it's hard. Because things can get better. We can get better”, Jekyll reasoned. “I don't want to hate you anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore.”
“I don't care, I don't, I don't care for any of it, I don't care for you…”, Hyde croaked out, panicking.
“That’s not true”, Jekyll smiled.
Hyde laughed quietly. “Damn it. No it's not…”
“Many lies, huh?” Jekyll teased.
“A whole life full”, Hyde replied.
Jekyll traced the line of his lip with his thumb. It was a question. Hyde nodded barley noticeable. When Jekyll kissed him, it was a slight brushing of lips, light and timid and sweet. It was completely overwhelming. Electricity shot through Hyde's body. He reached out and dug his fingers into Jekyll's shoulders for support. Jekyll tipped his head one way, Hyde the other way. Their lips met again. It was slow, peaceful, quiet. Hyde had never experienced a kiss like this. One not completely carried away by passion and desire. Yet, he was already addicted.
“Say it”, Hyde asked between kisses. “Can you… please…I need to hear…”
Jekyll pulled him closer. “I love you”, he whispered in his ear.
When Hyde's knees finally gave away under him, Jekyll slid down to the floor with him. He held onto Hyde just as desperately as he was holding on to him.
“Say it again, say it again”, Hyde begged, breathlessly.
Jekyll was only happy to oblige. “I love you, I love you, I promise, I love you so much…”
They were both crying and Jekyll kept repeating those three words over and over again. It got easier every time he said it.
Hyde had fallen asleep on the couch, his head resting on his shoulders, the book that he had been reading lying open upon his knees. Jekyll put down his own book to look at him. Their hands lay between them, their fingers intertwined. He was feeling tired himself, it was becoming difficult to keep his eyes open. Peaceful, happy, he noted. The emptiness was gone. For the first time in his life, it was gone.
His glance wandered to the window, behind which it was still dark and cold and rainy and every step was motivated out of fear and anger and hate. You don't have to go outside anymore, he thought. I won't force you. I know how you feel. All those times you spend looking in through windows, standing in front of closed doors, because no one wanted you. But not anymore.
“You're home now, Edward”, Jekyll assured him. “You are… you are my home.”
Hyde, not completely asleep yet, felt how Jekyll planted a kiss on his forehead and stood up to go extinguish the lights. When Jekyll returned, Hyde was resting uneasily, his eyelids fluttering nervously. Jekyll hurried to sit back on the couch and pull him into his arms. Instantly, Hyde calmed down. Jekyll looked down at his creation curiously. “You are no so terrifying and repulsive. No. You are nothing I thought you would be.”
He leaned down to kiss Hyde's cheek. His skin was all smooth and warm. “I am so sorry”, he breathed. “I promise, I will do better.” He closed his eyes, basking in the warmth and the peace of the moment. “Sleep well”, he finally said. “I will be here, I will always be here. I swear I will never abandon you again, my heart. Never again.”