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Like a burden he carried, the scythe was much heavier that evening than it had ever been, but as always, the tryharder brought it with him. In every circumstance it was just within reach of his fingers, most of the time in a corner of his inventory. Tonight, in the light of the full moon, he was strolling along the immense wall that crossed the island of Quesadilla, looking up at those tiny white dots in the inky sky.
The stars had been a source of comfort as far as he can remember, something he wanted to share with others when he uttered his famous words "When everything is lost, I'm here".
It all seemed very empty since the recent news.
It had all been meaningless since his daughter had disappeared.
Everyone had reacted differently to the discovery of the little accessories in the corner of the beds. The President had worn a dazzling smile and an addiction, the Raven had decided to cover the whole world in lava, and the little demon was only a shadow of his former self. Etoiles had seen Baghera collapse, like a vase shattering on the floor. Antoine had looked away and his whole body had tensed up, as if he were holding back the flood of feelings inside him. Aypierre had done his best to help his two friends and had stared at the little beret for a long time.
Etoiles, for his part, had withdrawn from everything.
He avoided the spawn area and the main buildings like the plague.
Tonight, he allowed himself a digression as he walked along the wall, gazing up at the sky.
Why was everything so empty since Pomme had left?
He sat down on the cold floor, letting his feet move in the void, brushing the vines that climbed all the way to the top of the wall. Etoiles hadn't even had time to understand what happened, his brain was blocking the information as if the electrical wire had been cut.
He was getting bored of the sky.
"É bom ver você" the voice woke him up from his torpor. He recognised at once who it was from. The flowing accent and welcoming voice were very recognisable. The French turned his head to follow the words with his eyes.
What on earth was Pac doing here, in the middle of the night? The urge to go down through the vines to the bottom of the wall so he could avoid an awkward conversation suddenly took a hold of him.
He hadn't seen the scientist since the eggs disappeared, and his last real conversation with him was even before that, a long time ago.
The truth was, he hadn't bumped into anyone for a very long time.
"Hey Pac" he replied simply, carefully avoiding his gaze, pretending to be focused on the sky. The stars were shining in a hollow sadness. His voice sounded very hoarse, like he hadn't spoken in decades.
Etoiles wanted to be alone. Alone and utterly alone. Him, his scythe, his beloved shield and no one else. Unfortunately, the young man sat down beside him, although he had been thoughtful enough to leave a little distance between them.
"How have you been since then?" he couldn't possibly blame him, if the moon hadn't been so round, if the wind hadn't been so cold, if everything had been normal, he would even have invited him to sit down. But nothing was normal. Everything would never be the same again.
"Oh goooood, goooood, and you ?" Etoiles wasn't really ashamed of lying to him. No, he wasn't doing good. Who was? This hell of an island had taken everything they owned and more.
The tryharder had a sudden urge to immerse himself in a dungeon for several hours, to take out his frustration and anger on everything that passed under his scythe. He wanted to be anywhere but here. Pac's sigh drew him out of his thoughts again, and now that he dared to look at him, he saw how exhausted the young man looked. The blue sweater he was wearing was dirty, and a little faded in places. Pac wasn't afraid to look at Etoiles straight in the eye, intensely. His pupils were less bright, desaturated, with little dark circles underneath. His eyes were definitely different, the tryharder noticed immediately.
"Etoliê, I'm warning you right now, if you want to answer me with lies, there's no point in talking," he replied firmly. There wasn't an ounce of malice in his words, but his voice was serious.
"What...?"
"I know you're not well. Nobody is. And that's normal" his gaze was perhaps too intense, too strong.
Etoiles could describe himself as anything but weak. He was one of the best (if not the best) warriors on the island, he danced with the codes every day, killing them one by one, reducing them to dust. In his vaults, hundreds of different weapons and armor rested, patiently waiting for him to prepare for his next expedition into the dungeons. The fact is, Etoiles was far from being weak. But right now, he almost wanted to look down.
Right now he felt immensely fragile.
"You haven't spoken to anyone for three weeks" Pac was telling the truth.
After Pomme’s disappearance, he threw himself, body and soul, more than ever into futile battles, lengthy explorations and aimless adventures. Anything that even remotely resembled a challenge, he drowned himself into it.
"I was busy" this time he looked down, Pac was frowning, as if the taste of the lie, acid and grainy, was stretching his expression.
"Bem ...Vamos fazer um acordo, during this conversation, I want to hear absolutely no lies" he could imagine his face had softened a little, but he didn't check. "You don't have to answer the question, but I don't want you to lie to me".
There was a silence.
Etoiles once again considered the option of jumping into the void and catching himself with the vines. He would much rather fight another ten codes than talk about the state of his current mental health. But the French looked at his friend again and nodded. It was difficult to refuse something so kindly offered.
As a rule, it was difficult to refuse anything to Pac.
"Now, tell me, how do you feel?" the Brazilian smiled a little now.
"I don't know" there it was. The truth. Cold, frightening and brittle.
Nothing makes sense any more.
Etoiles was always one step ahead of everything, all the time. It was essential to anticipate what was going to happen next. In combat, to avoid an attack at the right moment, to be able to work out a strategy as quickly as possible. In order to win. It was the same for relationships. You had to be able to offer the right gifts at the right time, interpret words and smiles to elucidate feelings.
Always keeping the current situation in mind and anticipating the different possibilities : this was essential for Etoiles.
And now, for the first time in forever. He didn't know what to think. Pac moved a little hesitantly, then put his hand on the tryharder’s shoulder. It was a comforting gesture.
It worked a bit, and his thoughts drifted slowly.
One question in particular was burning on the warrior's lips, and he hadn't had the chance to ask anyone, so maybe somewhere along the line he didn't want to know the answer. But as the young man's hand spread a gentle warmth over his shoulder, he told himself that confronting his fears was up his street after all.
"They told me what happened ... the drugs the Federation was giving you ..." the hand on Etoiles shoulder tightened, and then Pac took it off, watching his feet dangle in the air. Now it was a little colder. "You have the right not to answer, but if I have to tell the truth, you have to tell it too."
Pac gave a little laugh. It was not surprising that Etoiles had turned the situation to his advantage. The scientist, noticing the slightly satisfied look on his friend's face, nodded and then spoke in a low voice.
"I needed it to get out of this. I was afraid of sinking and then not being able to come back..."
Etoiles suddenly felt a heartache.
Guilt.
He knew that feeling all too well, it had been buried inside him for three weeks.
Maybe if he'd been there, Pac wouldn't have taken those horrible white capsules.
Baghera would have stopped crying every night.
Antoine would have been more open
Aypierre less absent.
If he'd been there, maybe Pomme would still be here.
"I think I understand" Pac lifted his head, a little hope fluttering across his face. "But it wasn't the help you needed" finished Etoiles, looking as comforting as he could.
The scientist remained silent. They both knew that the French was right. They were also not stupid enough to ignore just how ill-intentioned the Federation was. It was obvious to everyone that this was a bad idea. But ...
"It was the only solution I could think of" admitted the Brazilian, in a whisper. Etoiles wanted to tell him that it was probably the only option he'd had, but he didn't.
"I couldn't stand feeling so much pain and sadness and not being able to do anything about it".
The tryharder didn't answer. The wind blew away his black headband, and the Brazilian observed the fabric with a small smile. The warrior took the opportunity to observe his friend as well. Richarlyson's disappearance had been hard on Pac, and he wondered who had been looking after him while he'd been resting. Mike had disappeared, Cellbit was in a bad state, if not worse, his son was nowhere to be found... maybe Fit was by his side. It wouldn't surprise him in any case.
"But we're not here to talk about me" the Brazilian had straightened up and his smile resembled the one he wore before, before everything changed. "Three weeks is a very long time Etoiles, you had us very worried".
He rolled his eyes, unable to stop himself. The warrior had foreseen this remark, it was part of the mental plan he had made for himself as soon as Pac had sat down next to him. Except that, according to his calculations, the others were far too busy with their own feelings to really care about him. Pac must have been the only one who noticed.
"O que há de errado? What's with your face?"
"Non, non, rien, nothing" he replied quickly. He wasn't blaming the others either. It wasn't the right time to be angry for such things. "Thanks, but you shouldn't."
When he received a small flick on the temple, Etoiles gasped and turned to him, confused.
"Of course we should" the scientist smirked as the tryharder massaged his temple.
"Oh, you want to fight now, minus ? Get your weapon out, I'm sure it'll be fun" he joked and for the first time in three weeks, the French had cracked a smile.
"Oh, I'm sure it'll be fun, but not for me," Pac chuckled softly, shrugging his shoulders. Etoiles wondered what a fight with Pac would be like, until the young man continued with a more serious air. "You know, Etoiles, people are genuinely worried about you. You're important to us"
"To us or to you?" he immediately regretted his words. He realized that as soon as the sentence had escaped his lips, he opened his eyes wide.
This was not part of his plan.
Why had he said that?
What exactly was he playing at?
He'd promised himself he'd never go down that road with Pac.
Putain de merde.
“Both" his friend was being brutally honest and he had hardly hesitated to answer. Etoiles noted that he blushed lighty.
The tryharder had known for some time the nature of the scientist's feelings. Pac wasn't exactly discreet either. What finally convinced the warrior was not the innuendo of Mike, his best friend, or the way the Brazilians laughed loudly when the young man tried to interact with him.
No, it wasn't that.
It was so much more simple than that.
It was the long looks, the gentleness in his gestures, the eyes too.
Especially the eyes.
It was hard to explain, but the young man's eyes said it all, always. It was something that Etoiles particularly appreciated, where the various feelings, whether romantic or platonic, were a kind of gigantic tangled spider's web, Pac looked more like a painting. With only one glance, everything seemed limpid.
"I'm... I'm sorry, you know" it was probably the worst time to talk about Pac's feelings, but the warrior had been carrying this on his shoulders for a long time, and under the stars he felt like he was daring things he wouldn't normally have dared.
"For?" Pac knew perfectly well why Etoiles was apologizing, he seemed to be trying to save some time, the French decided not to hold it against him.
"Your feelings ... for me. I'm sorry."
"Não, por favor, não" he blushed a little more, "Say what you want, but don't apologize" he looked at the horizon. His black locks were lost on his forehead. Pac was smiling. How could he smile? "It's neither your fault nor mine how I feel. Besides, let's be honest, I've never tried to hide it."
Etoiles wanted to say something. But he didn't know what. And he always respected the following rule : if he had nothing to say, he said nothing. He hated to beat around the bush. But he didn't want Pac to continue, for some reason he didn't understand, the scientist’s words were compressing his lungs.
"I don't blame you. I never did" he chuckled softly. Etoiles wanted to see his eyes, but his eyelashes covered most of them. "It has to be said that you haven't been kind to me. Right from the start, you always made sure that everyone was comfortable in your presence" Pac was smiling very broadly now, "Always so generous, so open, always there to help" he spoke with a disconcerting lightness. He had to stop. Because Etoiles didn't agree with anything he was saying. He had to be silenced. "It's so easy to love you."
"Stop" Pac looked at him, if only his eyes showed something other than tenderness. They didn't. "You're hurting yourself" Etoiles probably should have replaced "yourself" with "me". Why did he feel like he couldn't breathe properly?
"And you should stop thinking about the others" he replied with amusement, as if he could afford to annoy the French as well. Etoiles could feel himself go pale, what was blocking his lungs climbed up his throat. "I'm an adult, I can manage".
But Etoiles wasn't managing.
At all.
He glanced at the ivy.
In a single leap, he could use his bucket of water to land.
Run towards the forest.
Disappear for several more weeks.
Never speak of it again.
But if he did, would the lump in his throat go away ?
He doubted it would.
"You should concentrate on how you feel. I know you well enough to understand that you use your expeditions and adventures to push away your problems, to avoid facing your feelings" Etoiles had to hurry and find a way to take away the immense sweetness that Pac radiated. "I know you don't like it much, but if you ever feel like talking about how you're feeling, I'll always be there to listen" the weight went to rest on his tongue. He felt like he was going to explode. Why was he having so much trouble breathing? What had Pac done to him? "I hope you don't mind my feelings and that they don't stop you from confiding in me."
"I don't hate you!" he exploded, his heart at the edge of his lips.
Pac gasped in surprise. He didn't seem to be expecting this.
"Meu Deus ... I hope so indeed" he replied smiling a little, even his smile was gentle.
"Non, non, je … I ... I mean that ..." If he was deciding to leave, now was the time, but he didn't have the strength to get up, something was pinning him down, surely the weight of all the unsaid things. "I've been aware of your feelings for me for a long time, but I still can't figure out how I feel about it. I've tried to push it away and ignore it, but I've just felt bad for you. And I can't put into words how I feel because I don't think I'm in love but I don't know if you're quite just a friend. But it's because of your eyes" he insisted, he knew that the more time passed, the more he lost his footing, "Because you're always so nice, so approachable, and you've never judged me on anything, and... I like your company. But dating is very scary, and you have to do a lot of very specific things, and I don't understand any of these codes. And it seems so natural to other people, but I'm still stuck in the same place, I ... I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation”
Pac stopped breathing.
Etoiles also felt like he was running out of breath.
He just made a fool of himself in a way he never did before.
His cheeks had turned a probably embarrassing shade of crimson from the lack of air in his lungs and his heart was pounding against his ribcage.
There was no plan, no strategy, he was in total freewheel.
Eoiles had thrown all his feelings in Pac's face and he was now staring at him in silence. The Brazilian's eyes must have been more intense than they had ever been, and part of him wanted to look into them.
But the warrior was staring stubbornly at a point hundreds of meters below, and would probably have jumped if he'd been given a few more seconds.
The tension evaporated when the Brazilian burst out laughing.
Etoiles felt his eyebrows rise, he had expected an embarrassed smile, pity even, or a huge silence, but not an outright laugh.
"Why are you... Why are you laughing?" Pac's laugh seemed so sincere and infectious that Etoiles began to smile in spite of himself.
He was opening his heart to someone for the first time in at least years and his first reaction was an immediate fit of giggles. The strangest thing was probably the fact that the warrior found it comforting in a way, he didn't mind hearing that laughter, no, the worst thing was that it relaxed him completely.
"I-I'm sorry, desculpe ahah ... desculpe" Pac finally managed to calm down, the tryharder was looking at him with a smirk. "It's just so ironic that you can kill dozens of codes a day, explore the most difficult dungeons and even go in the Nether, but as soon as a boy likes you, you feel lost".
The tryharder couldn't help but feel himself blushing, frowning, he exclaimed indignantly.
"That has absolutely nothing to do with it!"
"É claro, é claro" Pac chuckled before looking up at the stars again. He seemed so comfortable talking about his feelings, Etoiles envied him greatly, "Don't rush what you feel. Think about it, take your time, and step back. You have the right to never give me an answer and even to reject me"
"I don't think I want to" Etoiles began, avoiding Pac's gaze and focusing on the starry sky, although Pac was looking at him quite intently and without really hiding "But that's really not something... I mean, I'm very not good at it. I .... I've never been with anyone before and it never crossed my mind" he admitted, hoping not to encounter any judgment.
Pac smiled patiently, listening to him in silence. His eyes exuded that tender warmth, always so warm, so welcoming. Etoiles found his eyes really interesting.
"Have you ever wondered about Asexuality? Could you be Asexual, or Aromantic, maybe even both?"
The French blinked. He had heard of Asexuality, it was Badboyhalo who had first mentioned it a few months ago, but his mind had been elsewhere and so he had retained very little. Aromanticism, on the other hand, didn’t ring any bells. Seeing that his friend wasn't responding, the Brazilian spoke again.
"I'm not a professional, but Asexuality is about not feeling any sexual desire, and Aromanticism is about not feeling romantic feelings. You should ask Jaiden for advice, she'll tell you a lot more than I can. Especially as it's not strict, from what I know it's a whole spectrum, with lots of possibilities. You also have the right never to put yourself in a box, but it might help you to start somewhere" he explained patiently and slowly.
There was a long silence.
The warrior was recording the information.
It was a lot for one evening.
In fact, it was a lot for a lifetime.
He was startled when Pac stood up and smiled brightly.
It should have reassured him, but something wasn't right.
"I'll let you think about it, I just wanted you to know I was there if you ever needed me."
Etoiles watched him as he dusted his blue jeans, taking away the dust and ivy leaves. His brain wasn't responding, he could feel his lungs emptying, his heart pounding in his ears, but he couldn't hear anything.
He was focused on Pac.
"Try not to disappear again for three weeks. It'd be a shame if you missed the return of the eggs, hm?" everything was so sweet in his voice but something sounded off. Etoiles knew it, he knew his voice well enough to notice.
Pac then walked away, turning his back to him.
With a single leap, Étoiles regained control of his body and lunged for the Brazilian's wrist.
When the young man turned around, the French noticed the tears in the corner of his eyes.
Etoiles realized that this was the dissonance: Pac was suffering, underneath all that kindness, he was hurting.
And the thought of him suffering left a horribly bitter taste in his mouth.
"Pac ..."
"Tudo bem, tudo bem!" the Brazilian reassured him immediately, "I'm fine" he rubbed his eyes with one hand, to wipe away the slight traces of tears.
Etoiles had to do something.
He wanted to do something.
There was no way Pac's eyes were going to be filled with tears because of him.
"I wanted to say thank you, thank you for everything" he finally said, it was almost a whisper now, "And I'm sorry for hurting you. But one day I'll understand how I feel" he sensed that the scientist was about to say something in return, probably something comforting, but Etoiles cut him off "Could... Could you wait a little longer for my answer?"
He didn't miss the way the Brazilian's cheeks turned a soft pink for the umpteenth time that evening.
"I don't want you to feel obliged to give me an answer or reciprocate my feelings" Pac had lowered his eyes, smiling gently.
"You're not forcing me to do anything" he reassured him immediately, even though this wasn't usually his strong point, "I really want to understand, it's important, if only for me" he was still holding his wrist, and noticing that, he let go immediately.
Pac looked at him and his eyes shone, but it wasn't because of the tears. And that was probably the most satisfying victory Etoiles ever experienced.
"Of course I'll wait for you" he hadn't hesitated for a second, his smile had returned, but without any dissonance this time. Pac was sincere again. "Can I give you a hug? If you don't mind, of course" he added hastily.
Even if he wanted to, he couldn't say no to him. Again because of his eyes, there was already a slight hint of hope in his brown ones. So he nodded, and the scientist immediately took him in his arms. Pac snuggled up to him, his arms behind his back, his face buried in his shoulder and his locks tickling his neck. The warrior finally put one hand around him and the other clumsily placed itself on his shoulder blade. ÉEoiles closed his eyes, listening to his own heartbeat. There was a certain comfort in holding the young man in his arms. There was nothing really intimate about this embrace; it was comfortable, simple. He couldn't remember how long they'd been like that, but when they finally parted, Etoiles felt a little cold.
"I guess I’ll go" Pac said finally, he had blushed a lot since then. This made the tryharder smile.
"I'll be back soon, and when I'm back you'll have your answer" he promised, stepping back in his turn.
They exchanged a look, Etoiles wanted to do something more, without knowing why. Pac was expecting something too, obviously. Neither of them knew what, so the Brazilian, in the blink of an eye, leaned towards the French and before Etoiles could react, he laid a quick kiss on one of his cheeks and then he backed down, and took his legs at his stroke.
"Sinto muito! Sinto muito! Tchau Étolié! Vou esperar por você!" shouted Pac in the distance, running along the wall in chains of different words in Portuguese that he understood even less.
The young man remained motionless, the thoughts didn't reach his brain, while the silhouette of Pac disappeared in the distance. When the braincells finally reconnected, the Brazilian was nowhere to be seen. Then Etoiles could not help himself, and under the stars, for the first time in three weeks, he let a tender laugh escape from his lips.