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Anton wasn’t really one for parties. He didn’t like crowds, he didn’t like being surrounded by strangers. He felt claustrophobic and self conscious, like everyone was watching each sip he took of the truly horrendous concoction of alcohol Sungchan, clad in a store bought vampire cape, had created and thrust into his hand the moment he arrived. He didn’t really like drinking. It made him feel gross and unpleasant, but he always indulged Sungchan’s forays into mixology anyway.
“Man, why aren’t you dressed up? I told you it’s a costume party! Halloween? Ringing any bells?”
Anton grimaced. “I forgot?” He hadn’t forgotten. He’d thought about wearing a costume but bailed at the last minute because he was paranoid about showing up to find nobody else had worn one. A reoccuring nightmare he had in October, ever since childhood.
He was only there because Sungchan wanted him to be. That was a small lie. He was there because Sungchan invited him, and presently, Sungchan was one of Anton’s only friends. The transition from high school to university had not been kind, but Sungchan had kept both Anton’s grades and Anton’s head above water through his entire first year, and for that Anton was eternally grateful. Indebted, even, which is how he always found himself at a party against his better judgement.
But Anton wasn’t at this party just because Sungchan told him to come.
“God, doesn’t he look so stupid,” said Sungchan. His eyes were wistful, practically lovesick. If it were a cartoon, Anton thought, hearts would be shooting out of Sungchan’s eyeballs.
Anton followed the imaginary hearts to where they landed. It was a small sofa which had been shoved against the far wall of the living room, and sitting on it was Wonbin. He was dressed as a cowboy, hat and boots and a shiny plastic sheriff's badge attached to his fringed jacket.
“You’re wearing a cape and regular clothes. At least he’s got the full ensemble.”
“Ensemble, wow. Can’t believe I had to help you pass Intro to Lit. As if you’re one to talk.”
Sungchan had been head over heels, googly eyed, madly in love (etc) with Wonbin since the start of the school year. Anton shared a geology elective with him and Sungchan laid eyes on him for no longer than a millisecond one day while meeting Anton after class before claiming him as his newest romantic conquest.
Sungchan, ever the outgoing half of their little duo, approached and sat himself next to Wonbin on the sofa. It wasn’t big enough for more than two, not without squeezing in and losing all personal space (Anton would rather die), so Anton stood awkwardly in front of them.
“So,” said Sungchan, tapping the plastic badge. “Sheriff, huh?”
“Yeah,” said Wonbin, like he was already finished with the conversation. “Hey Anton.”
“Oh, hi.”
“You don’t seem like the party type.” Wonbin looked so pleased to see him, and Anton willed his face and his blood vessels to get it together.
The truth was that Anton had agreed to come to the party because he knew Wonbin would be there. Anton liked Wonbin, more than a little bit. And he felt horrible about it.
Anton didn’t find it easy to meet people. He preferred to keep to himself, especially in class. He rarely participated in discussions or asked questions. He showed up, took diligent notes (jokes aside, Sungchan really had saved his ass last year and it started with teaching Anton how to take decent notes), and went back to his dorm. And then did it all again the next day.
But then Wonbin started sitting next to him, and saying hello, and making small talk, and laughing about Sungchan’s loud attempts to woo him. And Anton thought it was so great, so wonderful that he had finally made a new friend. His mother would be ecstatic.
Anton started arriving at his geology classroom extra early, because he knew there was no class the period before and that Wonbin went straight there after getting off the bus. He liked spending time with Wonbin when no one else was around. He liked hearing Wonbin talk about his other classes and the people he saw on the bus. He liked Wonbin’s laugh and being the reason for it. He didn’t mean to fall for Wonbin. It just happened.
“Do you really like Wonbin?” Anton asked once when he and Sungchan were holed up in the library studying for midterms.
Sungchan didn’t look up from his textbook. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, like,” Anton picked at the skin on his bottom lip, a nervous habit. “You don’t even really know him.”
“Anton, you don’t have to know someone to want them,” he said, like it was the most obvious statement in the world.
Anton tried zoning out, using the hum of the party as white noise and letting it drown out Sungchan yammering on about – Anton couldn’t really say. He often had no idea what Sungchan was talking about. He could see Wonbin watching him in his peripheral vision and he did his best to ignore him. He was nervous. Most things made him nervous, but especially Wonbin, and especially Wonbin outside of the comfort of their shared classroom.
Anton was desperately trying to keep it cool. He thought about one day a couple of weeks ago when Sungchan had an appointment with the academic advisor and couldn’t meet him after class, and, in a rare moment of bravery, Anton invited Wonbin back to his room.
(Wonbin raised an eyebrow, playfully.
“To hang out! Don’t be annoying,” said Anton. Wonbin laughed. Was this flirting? Anton didn’t know how to flirt. Fuck, don’t blush, don’t blush.)
Wonbin spent a lot of time looking at the shelves built in above Anton’s desk. He ran his fingers over the spines of books Anton brought from home and would likely never have time to read. He smiled at little knick-knacks and didn’t even make fun of the striped bed sheets Anton’s mom picked out for him.
Wonbin sat cross-legged on the bed, so Anton took the desk chair. He couldn’t sit on the bed too, even though there was room, because he was afraid he’d burst into flames.
“Sleeping in a twin every night must suck,” said Wonbin.
“Hey, that’s a twin XL, get it right.”
Wonbin grinned, lopsided and so cute. “Sorry, sorry. I won’t disrespect the twin XL. Your room is very … you. It’s nice.”
“Nice? You’re saying I’m just nice?”
Wonbin rolled his eyes and they sparkled in the sunshine that peeked around the blackout curtains Anton had MacGyvered to the window. Anton steeled himself and joined Wonbin on the bed, propping a couple of pillows between them and the wall. Their knees knocked together and they stayed like that, scrolling through videos on Anton’s phone, for a long time.
“I asked Wonbin out,” said Sungchan, physically snapping Anton out of his reverie with a click of his fingers.
“What?” Anton only let his heart sink a tiny bit. “Just now?” He looked around, confused. “Where did he go?”
“You were standing right there! Didn’t you hear me?”
Anton didn’t say he was trying not to.
“Anyway, he said he’d think about it. That’s a bad sign right?”
“I mean, not necessarily.”
Sungchan pursed his lips. “I don’t know. Sounds like a bad sign.” Anton could admit Sungchan was pretty cute. Maybe he could be Wonbin’s type. He wouldn’t know, they had never talked about it. “You should talk to him. Convince him. Put in a good word for your ol’ pal Sungchan.” He nudged Anton hard with his shoulder and waggled his eyebrows for effect. “Please?”
“I guess I can.”
Sungchan brightened. “Yes! Great, go find him. I need to get his number before we leave.”
Anton didn’t immediately go looking for Wonbin. He found himself sitting on the back steps overlooking the yard. He needed fresh air. Whoever owned this house (whoever’s parents owned this house) had a pool, and it had been left uncovered. Orange and red leaves floated on the surface and Anton thought about jumping in. It had been unseasonably warm this October and Anton was overdressed in his hoodie even though the sun had set long ago.
It turned out he didn’t need to go looking for Wonbin, because Wonbin found him instead. Wonbin sat down next to Anton and offered him the last of his water bottle, which Anton gratefully accepted. His nerves made his throat dry and he could feel a hint of anxiety crawling around in his chest. It was fine, he just needed to convince Wonbin to go on one stupid date. Surely that couldn’t be that hard.
“Sungchan asked me to go on a date,” said Wonbin, breaking their silence.
“Yeah. He did.” Anton played with the laces on his sneakers.
“I didn’t think he was actually being serious.”
“Yeah, well. I guess he is.” Anton didn’t know what to say. He let Wonbin grab a lace and completely untie his right sneaker.
“What do you think?” asked Wonbin. “Should I say yes?”
“Does it really matter what I think?” He was not doing a very good job of putting in a good word for his ol’ pal Sungchan.
Wonbin frowned. “Of course it matters what you think,” he said, brow furrowed.
“Because I’m friends with both of you?”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” said Wonbin, and Anton couldn’t look at him. It actually, really, didn’t matter what he thought about it. He could tell Wonbin not to go out with Sungchan, but that would be so shitty of him. So terrible of him. Nobody would win, then. He wouldn’t ruin their friendship out of selfishness, even though he wanted to. He wanted so badly to tell Wonbin to date him instead, to kiss him right there on the rickety wooden steps. On nights when he couldn’t fall asleep he thought about kissing Wonbin, and he could do it right now if this whole situation didn’t suck so fucking much. Sungchan would kill him.
Wonbin, finally, got tired of waiting for Anton to say something and turned sideways to face him directly. Because that’s how Wonbin was, so much more confident in himself than Anton would ever be. “Anton–”
“You should go. On the date, I mean. With Sungchan.” Are you fucking happy, Sungchan?
“I’m not really interested in him.” Anton wasn’t looking but he knew Wonbin was staring at him, and he knew if he looked Wonbin’s big, dark eyes would swallow him whole, or drown him, or something else equally as dramatic.
“But you could be,” Anton said quietly.
“Anton,” said Wonbin. He shifted, crouching on the step in front of Anton. “Please look at me.”
Anton stared at his hands. His fingers were still wrapped up in the laces of his untied sneaker. “I can’t.”
“Do you want me to go on a date with Sungchan?” Wonbin asked.
No. “Yes.” He chewed at his cheek, another nervous habit, then cleared his throat before continuing. “I don’t care what happens after that.” He stood abruptly and he felt unsteady on his feet. “I’ve gotta go, Wonbin. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”
He left Wonbin on the steps. He found Sungchan laughing in the kitchen with someone Sungchan vaguely recognized from when Sungchan had dragged him to badminton intramurals at the school gym.
“Anton! How did it go?” Sungchan asked, excited.
Anton shrugged. “Fine, I think. He’s outside if you want to like, swap numbers. Or whatever. I think I’m gonna go home.”
“Oh, I can give you a ride, a pretty young thing such as yourself shouldn’t walk home in the dark.”
“You’re drunk and you walked here because you knew you were going to get drunk, remember?” Sungchan flung an arm around Anton’s shoulders and bellowed a laugh in his ear.
“Okay, well then, I’ll walk you home. Just give me like five minutes to find Wonbin, kay?” Sungchan untangled himself from Anton and threw his plastic cup into the sink. Before exiting the kitchen he turned back and shot Anton an amused look. “Your shoelace is untied, by the way.”
Anton looked down at his shoelaces, dirty now from walking through the house. He looked back at Sungchan and put on his brightest smile. He kind of wanted to puke. “Must have not noticed.”
“Tie ‘er up so you don’t faceplant on the way home,” Sungchan said before disappearing.
Anton did, and waited in the entryway for Sungchan to return. When he did, they left, Sungchan’s arm around Anton’s shoulders again.
“Wonbin said we could figure out our date plans tomorrow after your guys’ class,” said Sungchan. Anton decided he’d be skipping.
“That’s great.”
“You okay?” Sungchan asked, with genuine concern in his voice. He was always so thoughtful and attentive, in his own way. Anton hated himself. “You’re kind of always pretty hard to read but you’re way quieter tonight.”
“I’m just tired,” he lied.
“Well, thank you for coming to the party, and thank you for helping me out with Wonbin. I seriously owe you. You’re the best, actually.” Sungchan gave Anton’s shoulders a big squeeze. “I promise we won’t make you third wheel that much.”
“Ha … Glad I could help.” Anton was going to cry about this later. Regret already burned behind his eyes and he rubbed at them under the guise of sleepiness.
“Seriously,” said Sungchan, and he really did sound so serious. A rarity. “You’re a really good friend, Anton.”
Anton didn’t feel like a good friend.