Chapter Text
"Okay gang," Jon says clapping his hands like a preschool teacher to get the attention of the three gays.
Tim looks up from where he was doodling a very realistic penis on top of one of the statements. "Omg this bitch again what do you want bruh."
"How many fucking times have I told you to stop drawing dicks on the statements you fucking failure," Jon grumps.
"You're just jealous of my fucking awesome drawing skills shut the fuck up," replies Tim, exuding Big Dick Energy™.
"L rizz," Martin adds.
"Oh fuck off Martin everyone knows you're a giant fucking queer," Tim responds.
"Says the faggot," Martin says.
"Oop—" Jon says fruitily.
"Anyway," Sasha pipes up, continuing to be the one single person in the room with the slightest hint of a brain cell as she chooses to ignore everyone's bullshit, "what were you gonna say Jon?"
"Right," says Jon. "We're out of paperclips so I stole the Institute's credit card and I'm going to Asda. You fucks are coming with me because I don't trust you to be here alone."
"As long as we can get some tea, I'm in," Martin says.
"Little bitch ass gay boy," Tim mutters under his breath.
"What did you say?" Martin asks.
"I said, uh, okay, let's go," Tim says nervously.
-
(at Asda)
"Okay I'm gonna go get some tea," Martin says. Before anyone can reply, he makes a beeline for the tea aisle, taking off so fast that his legs go in a circle for a minute like a cartoon before he zooms away.
"Bruh," says Sasha. Tim is watching TikToks on his phone and walks directly into a line of shopping carts.
"Ow," he says. He tries to get away from the carts but they crash around and make a ruckus.
Jon reaches into his giant magical cargo shorts (yes he has giant magical cargo shorts) and pulls out a ring rope leash thing that preschoolers use on field trips.
"Yippee!" Tim and Sasha say. They then proceed to both reach for the blue ring at the same time and begin to smack each other to try and get it. After a few seconds of this, Jon gets fed up. He rips the blue ring off the rope and shoves it over Tim's head. It gets stuck.
The blue ring is no longer available, so Sasha grabs the purple ring and Tim grabs the green one. Jon starts to pull them towards the office supplies section.
They get to where the paperclips used to be, but instead there's a rack of melons (lmao). "Well shit," Jon says. "I guess they moved things around."
They consider asking an employee where to go, but Jon is anxious as shit, Sasha is Sasha, and Tim has been banned from talking to strangers on group outings, due to the fact that he's too gay for his own good.
"Hey guys look at this vase," Tim yells.
"Tim, put down the vase or I'll shove it up your ass," Jon tells him.
"Promise?" Tim winks. Jon grabs the vase from Tim and starts chasing him. Poor Sasha is still holding on to the ring rope and is being dragged along the floor.
Jon finally corners Tim. "Come here, buddy boy," he says menacingly. Oh my god, this is just like 1 man 1 jar.
Luckily, this specific location had just stocked a new item, and it happens to be on the shelf behind Tim. He grabs a can and vigorously sprays it at Jon, who falls to the floor screaming in agony. He lets go of the ring rope as he does. Sasha is now untethered, and she celebrates her freedom by lightly gnawing on Jon's shoulder as he writhes on the floor.
"Wow, this new Jonah Magnus® brand Twink Repellent™ really works!" Tim exclaims, turning to face the camera and giving a big smile and thumbs up, because this entire segment was actually just product placement.
After Jon finishes cosplaying a dying person, he looks around. "Hey where the fuck are we, you guys?" he says.
"Aw beans," says Tim.
"Fuckerooners," says Sasha.
"This is so not poggers bro," Tim says to no one in particular, except maybe to whatever cruel god has cursed them to this fate of being lost inside an Asda.
"Well I guess we just have to walk until we find our way back," Jon says.
They start to walk. After a while, they begin to get hungry.
"Hang on," Tim says, holding up a hand. He begins to sniff the air. He gets down on all fours and starts sniffing along the ground. All of a sudden, he pulls up the floor to reveal a secret hoard of beef jerky. They feast.
Jon chugs an entire can of soda and almost fucking dies. Tim stuffs his mouth with meat. Jon has to try very hard to not make a joke about this.
They've now been walking for a full day. They take showers in the little sprinklers in the produce section. Tim grabs two cabbages and pretends they're his boobs. Sasha takes a bite out of Tim's cabbage boob.
At long last they find themselves back at the entrance. They sigh in relief before a giant shadow falls over them. It's Martin, running toward them with a cart full of tea and ravioli.
"What the fuck, you do not need that much ravioli, you homosexual bitch," Tim says. Martin glares at him.
"Don't tell me how much ravioli I need, bucko. I wanna be the Ravioli King," Martin replies. Sasha takes a bite out of a package of ravioli.
Suddenly, the huge tower of tea and ravioli begins to teeter. Before anyone can react, it collapses and crushes everyone under thousands of raviolis.
The end.