Work Text:
Painful gut-wrenching sobs clawed their way up into Tail's lungs like jagged pieces of iron removing his ability to breathe, tearing holes into him, and sending pain up his nerves, he tried to calm himself down but he just didn’t have the willpower anymore. He wasn’t brave or as strong as Sonic. He was tired and spent, he couldn’t do this anymore. He was a bad copy of all he was meant to be, he was meant to be a good sidekick, a genius, someone who could keep a level head. But he just couldn’t do it anymore, it hurt too much, and it took too much from him. He knows there’s no way he can remake the way that he was meant to be, the person he should have been, but he can’t. He’s too broken, too freaky, too weak.
But that was never really much of a surprise to Tails, he always knew that.
Tails has always been that way, always been the one that for some reason always drew the bad cards, he had the worst luck out of anyone he knew. He just could never catch a break from his torment: the extra tail, his parent's abuse and later abandonment, and his physical and mental health. He’s known amongst his friends for how broken his life was. How he never experienced what it was like to have a family. He always tried to hide how embarrassed he got about them knowing. He just ignored them and gently covered the cracks forming in his body
It used to work when he was little and three years old. He would make believe in the little cave he carved himself that he had a kind and loving family.
As he’s gotten older everything has gotten so much more worse and so much harder to handle. He’s got more and more things to worry about other than hiding from bullies and the angry mobs of Westside. It was a lot before but his pile of burdens was getting heavier and heavier, straggling behind him like a ball and chain
But despite that nothing that could happen, whether it was Eggman, or the Zeti or Starline, or whoever it was this week. He just couldn’t be bothered to deal with it. No matter how much more painful it is to deal with them, nothing will hurt more than just the thought of being alive, of being trapped in his own disgusting body. The extra tail that disgusts him more than anything else in the entire world
Tail was a freak. That’s all he’s ever been and that’s all he will ever be. A freak that should have been killed when he was back on Westside
He hugged his knees tight to his chest letting tears gently fall from his eyes the tear marks staining his white muzzle as his throat aches like he had just swallowed shards of glass. It hurt to break, it hurt to talk, it hurt to live. His self-hatred scratched at his skin leaving marks of his disgust in himself etched across his skin for the whole world to see. He was gross he was disgusting.
Tails wished he would stop breathing at some point. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to breathe his last breath and not have to deal with all of this anymore. It was too much it was way too much and he hated it. He hated himself. He didn’t deserve the life he had. Tails deserved to be back on Westside being beaten and abused by the people from the nearby village. He deserved to slowly starve to death in the forest and he deserved the pain of knowing no one loved him.
With every quacking and gasping breath he took, which felt like razors underneath his skin scratching and tearing at the muscles as he tried to fill his heavy lungs up with hair, he was reminded that he was still alive. He’s reminded of the curse that is his existence. He was a curse. He was the curse of Westside. The curse from Westside now. He had infected his disgustingness on the world
Tails wondered why he was even still here at this point. It was something he thought of a lot. Something he wondered about every single day. From when he was little on Westside to now with him crying in Amy’s bathroom as a party raged outside. It was meant to be a happy day. They won the war, sonic was back. And all Tails could think of was the fact that he just shouldn't be here.
He had considered it during the war. When he ran away he found himself so many times flying up to heights that no one could survive and just staring at the ground. As it beckoned him. Beckoned him with promises of relief. Promising him he would never have to feel the pain of his existence ever again. He can just feel peace.
Tails always wondered what death was like, that kind of thinking came with the territory of being hunted. Tails had always assumed that death was slow and painful and agonising. Now tails hoped death was like when Sonic carried him to bed. Soft and gentle as everyone outside kept having fun.
He knew that wouldn’t be it. But he can dream.
Suddenly he heard soft footsteps come up to the bathroom door that the eight-year-old tucked him, he doesn't even bother to muffle his sobs because he can’t help but not care he dosent have the energy to care anymore. He absolutely exaugsted either anything and everything it was all way too much. His fake confidence he had tried to put on so no one knew what was up had been scattered across the floor. He didn’t have the energy to hide it anymore
“Oh tails..” Tails could hear Amy mutter from outside of the bathroom, she was probably just reacting to hearing his loud sobs rip through the bathroom. He wonders slightly if he can be heard through the hall. He usually would care and try to stop but he just couldn’t bring himself to anymore
Amy, knuckles, and sonic gather around the bathroom door that he had been curled in, a nice little audience to watch him break down. Tails feels a little shame at the fact that his older siblings were now just watching him cry like he was some kind of baby. Knuckles had to lead an entire resistance, Amy had to be in charge of damage and casualty updates and Sonic had been kidnapped for six months. Yet it was Tails sitting in the bathroom stall crying like some kind of baby
Tails tried his best to hide his shame, he had run away during the war like some little kid. He had hidden in Eggman's territory over staying at the resistance because of what? Stress? Guilt? Everyone was feeling that yet he was the one who broke and ran. It was so humiliating.
“I know this is probably a stupid question but one of us is going to have to ask it eventually, you ok?” Amy’s voice came from outside of the bathroom door, he could practically feel her hand on the door waiting to be let in. That’s just how Amy was. Unlike Tails she could help people, she was kind and compassionate and people loved being around her. Tails loved being around her. In a way he missed his older sister, whom he kissed before the war. When she would come over and teach him hard games. He couldn’t have that anymore
“No. Tails confessed. It was the first time that he had said it out loud. It was weird. He never really confessed to this kind of stuff. He mostly just hid it and hoped that people wouldn’t bring it up. But he was too tired to fight it right now. He leaned his head against the sink as he looked at the locked bathroom door.
Amy, knuckles and Sonic all exchanged glasses, getting tails to confess that he wasn’t okay was usually a long and difficult process where they would have to practically pry it out of the kid through any means necessary and even then it didn’t work. The kid didn’t like to bother anyone
So for him to just confess was concerning
“What’s wrong?” Sonic asked gently as he pressed his head against the bathroom door wanting nothing more than to break into the bathroom and comfort his little brother. He had been imprisoned for six months, the entire time he just wanted to go home and hold his brother in his arms. Apologize for leaving him, apologize for getting hurt. But now all be could do was stand outside the bathroom and wait for him to come out
“Everything! Everything is wrong, nothing is going right and every little thing is so stressful and— I’m just making everything so much worse ” Tils said wiping tears from his face that stained the muzzle. The twin tailed fox could only try and bite back sobs, they were already worried they didn’t need to be even more worried
“No. That’s not true.” Knuckles said simply, for a smart kid like Tails he sure could say some dumb things sometimes. Tails couldn’t possibly make anything worse, if anything all the kid did was make things better. The kid was strong, brave, fast, and wicked smart. More smart than knuckles could even dream of being. Even if he tried to make things worse he wouldn’t be able to. Tails was just a good kid in general, a good kid with a good heart. Even if he could be a bit stuck in his head sometimes that didn’t matter they were always there to pull him back out.
“But it is! It is and I know it! All I’ve ever done is make things worse! I’m so weak and horrible I can only mess things up, it's the only thing I can do now.” Tails confessed with a whimper as he pressed his face into his knees trying to bite back sobs and failing. Not so gently he started to hit his head off his knees. It was so stupid of him to cry so loud but he was just so tired and he couldn’t for the life of him care to hold it back anymore. It all just hurt way too much. More than he ever wanted it to hurt.
“You’ve not messed anything up kid, trust me I’d tell you if you were, you know I would and I haven’t yet, have I?” Knuckles said firmly, knuckles was known for being blunt and for calling people out when they mess something up or ruin something. But ever since the start of the war, he hadn’t needed to call the kid out once. Tails weren’t messing things up. Tails was a kid, a small one and he was scared. It was a war , of course, he was scared, sonic was scared, Amy was scared, and knuckles was scared. All of them were scared because it was a whole war, why would it be any different from eight year old?
“Have I?” Knuckles asked a bit of guilt creeping into his voice worrying that he had done something to imply to the kid he had done something wrong. Because he hadn’t. Tails hadn’t done a single thing wrong, yet everyone seemed to blame him for everything. Knuckles remembers back at the beginning days of the war walking into the main room of the resistance to find a few mobians beating on tails blaming him for what happened. Blaming him for not stepping in and getting kidnapped himself.
Knuckles still remembers the blood on his hands after he punched them and dragged them off the kid but it had already been too late at that point. Tails had been whimpering and whining in pain on the ground, covered in bruises and blood but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that it had confirmed the kid's fears, the fears that this had all been his fault. It had been common knowledge that Tails was blaming himself but then Tails knew other people did too. It was no wonder a week after that tails had left. He left blueprints instructions and materials out so they could still build. He ran away but his first thought was them.
Knuckles hates that he is too busy to go searching for the scared kid. They were stretched too thin and had no leads, Team Chaotix went looking but came back with nothing.
They all still have no idea where he went.
“No.” Tails said softly wiping some tears from his eyes as he looked at the door, it was still closed and locked. He had the urge to run over to the door and wrench it open. He wanted to fall into their arms and for them to hug him and tell him that it was all okay. He wanted his older siblings but Tails wasn’t sure they wanted him. Tails hadn’t run far during the war, he was close by, and he ran somewhere they would find him. They didn’t even look
“That’s right I haven't. I'm not Doing this to be an annoying kid. I’m doing this, I’m telling you this, because I’m worried about you and I care about you. We all do.” Knuckles said honestly, he still wasn’t good at the whole comforting people thing but he could try. For tails, he would try, even a little bit. Just to get him out of that bathroom and back into their arms. The way it should have always been.
Tails smiled from behind the door staring at the handle as he wiped tears away
“I know. I couldn’t ask for better older siblings.” Tails said with a softness he hadn’t had since the start of the war. Tails wanted them so bad, all of them. Not even just Sonic, Amy, and Knuckles. He wanted all of them so badly. They had talked about getting a house together, the entire group. Something about convenience and safety but Tails knew they were all just kind of wracked after the war, plus it would be nice if they all lived together.
“Thank you! As you’re honorary older brother I’d like to understand why you’re thinking like this! You gotta know that it isn’t true” Knuckles said leaning against the door, wanting nothing more than to tear it off its hinges, Tails didn’t deserve this kind off stress and pain he was only a kid. A very little kid. As much as he was smart and capable which was what most people only saw when they looked at the kid but everyone else just say a kid. A kid in an unfortunate circumstances.
“But it is true! I know it is. I shouldn’t— I shouldn’t—- be acting like this I should be— I’m supposed to be—“ Tails said his voice developing into whimpers and hiccups as he tried to practislly force the sentace out of his mouth but words were getting harder and harder to speak the more it went on, and the more tears dropped down his face. He felt like such a baby he shouldn’t be like this! He should be better. The best
“Perfect? Nobody is perfect Tails. Not even you. But that make you messed up or bad or anything it just means that your alive you know. Sonic said pressed his palm and head against the door hoping that their words to somehow coax the boy out of the room. He shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. It wasn’t Tails fault that people just expected him to be perfect, then again it wasn’t just other people it was himself. Himself and his horribly high expectations of what he should be doing.
“I can’t even live up to my own expectations, You guys may be okay with not being perfect, but I’m not. I’m supposed to be the best.” The twin tailled fox said wiping his tears away as he pushed his face deeper into his knees rocking himself back and forth a tiny bit as a way to try and comfort himself. He wanted nothing more than to run into his siblings arms and for them to hold him. He loved it when they held him.
“Says who? Where does it say that you’re supposed to be perfect and have no flaws and all of that stuff you think you need to be” Amy said, sure she was trying to coax tails into admitting his expectation for himself were kid of boring but in a way she was also seeing if someone in particular is causing these feelings. She knows it’s himself but the older sister in her couldn’t help but be angry at the idea that someone might try and pressure the kid into perfection
“Sorry I think I missed the ‘Miles Tails Prower Prophecy of Perfection’ as dictated by God it something?” Knuckles uncharacteristically jokes rolling his eyes, all three older siblings were pressed against the door, not in a way to break it down or anything (that was only if they genuinly needed to) but because they wanted to just be closer to the kid. Even if there was a big peice of wood in the way they couldn’t help but want to be near him.
“Yeahh, I think I was our for a run that day!” Sonic said with a laugh but there was no Humor behind it. Sonic was never really himself when tails was upset. It was like a flip switches in him whenever he sees the twin tailled fox feel any negative emotion. Instead of his cocky attitude sonic is more soft, and quiet and comforting. For all his acts of avoidance he really did love being near his little brother
“Stop it!” Tails suddenly screamed, sure he knew that they were just trying to make him feel better but it was just having the opposite effect, it was like they just didn’t care that they needed to be perfect. They just didn’t understand what it was like to be him. To have to keep up this level or perfection no matter what.
“Stop it, please stop it!” He said his voice resourced to a quiet whisper as he spoke. He’s had enough of it. He hated this, he hated eveything, everything was just so exhausting now he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him. It was stupid. He shouldn’t be like this. He should be perfect, he needs to be perfect.
“Nobody ever said that you have to be this perfect being, The onlt one who keeps saying that is you. You know we love you and we want you just the way you are not some perfect thing. Can’t you see that?” Amy said gently trying to get tails to understand that he genuinly dosent have to be like this! This wasn’t something that he should have to deal with everyday. Tails should get time to be a kid and run around not dealing with issues like this.
“Are you trying to prove something to someone? Like are you trying to prove your maturity or something like that?” Knuckles asked confused trying to genuinly understand where this need for perfectionism was coming from because they certainly weren’t encoraging it. It was a nightmare that tails even thought like this for a second.
“I—“ Tails went to speak but was quickly interrupted before he could even start the sentance
“Because I don’t think it’s necessary personally! When you were a baby you practically raised yourself! Your the best mechanic I’ve ever met, your smarter than probably any of us combined, you have trauma.. your mature. You’re like an adult at this point. All of this before you’re even a teenager! I mean as much as you don’t like to admit it you’re still only a six year old boy. So yes you’re mature.” Knuckles said with finality. Tails was mature but it was something his older siblings hated. He acted so adult for just a little boy. They wanted to see him watch cartoons or run around or anything someone his age should be doing. Not working himself into the ground or crying in a bathroom
“Am I?” Tails asked leaning his head on the sink as he stared at the door seconds away from yanking it open but he knew their faces would break him. He could practically picture the sadness and worry that would be etched onto all three of them.
“Tails, I can’t think of anything more painful than what Westside used to put you through every single day, You were all grown up from the day we met. And much longer even before that. And it’s not fair to you. You were forced to grow up way too fast because of stupid expectations your own mind put on you. You don’t deserve to feel this way.” Sonic said remembering leaving his crashed plane alone only to come back to the small three year old sitting in the cockpit with the plane completely fixed, he hadn’t even neeeded a manual and she worked better than she ever had before.
“Or is it something else? I mean it seems that this is something you want—“ Amy said trying to think of what the main underlying issue was, she wasn’t sure if he was trying to get praise or attention. Whatever he needed they would happily give him they didn’t want tails to be upset he didn’t deserve it. He was a such a good kid he deserved to be happy.
“ WANT ? Guys I hate being this way, I hate this stupid feeling it’s so painful. It’s all just awful” the twin tailled fox said through a whimper, he wanted more than anything to be normal. To never have to deal with issues like this but that was the hing about tail. He would never be normal no matter how many times he dreamed and prayed”
“Ok so it’s a need then, Look I get it. I do. Everything you you have to deal with everyday because of the aftermath of how that entire island treated you.. it’s exhausting. You’re scared of getting hurt or worse: being rejected for something you can’t control. This is you’re ‘precautionary measure’ all these expectations all there’s rules. It’s just something you’ve made so that you can have something you can control to overrule the only thing you can’t control. I cant act like I understand in a personal level because I can I don’t think anyone can really understand what it’s like for you ti even get through a day after that but I will say. As your friend. As you’re older sister is that this isn’t necessary. You don’t have to feel this horrible all the time because you don’t deserve too. You’re a good kid. An amazing kid! All of this isn’t something that you need to be doing.” Amy said sincerely trying to get tails to triplet understand that he dosent have to live like this. They can help him move him. Help him be a kid, help him have a childhood. They all wants him too. They just needed him to want it as well.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry— this is— god this is so stupid. You don’t— none of you deserve to deal with any of this— any of my bullshit—“ Tails cried and whimpered pulling and his fur and at his tails as he hit his head hard against the wall making soft bangs that could be heard from outside.
“Tails—“ Sonic said in a panic when he heard the soft banging hoeing just what tails was doing. It was something he didn’t whenever he was scared or nervous. A horrible habit that anyone who knew him absolutely despised.
“No please please let me finish, I shouldn’t be telling you guys all this it’s not you’re shit to deal with its not meant to be you’re burdens. I’m meant to be able to keep a cool head and think abot what I’m doing but I’m just not! You deserve so much better than me I should know better than this!” Tails ranted because to him it was true they all deserved so much better than a whiny little brat like tails. He dosent know how they deal with him when he’s this annoying.
“ I don’t care,” Amy said simply
Sonic looked at Amy and then nodded at her before turning to the door with a stern look “Neither do I.”
“You must be insane kid if you really think you’re gonna get rid of us that easily, or should I say: if you really think we’re gonna get rid of you that easily, you’re our baby brother for fucks sake.” Knuckles said with a soft smile on his face, no matter what he did Tails would be his baby brother. He was the kid would fly to angel island to read with him, the kid who rambles about his latest invention despite knuckles not knowing what he’s going on about and the kid who helps patch him up after a battle.
Tails was a good kid, and he was knuckles baby brother.
“Yeah, I’ve known you for a long time, I’ve seen you do a lot of shit, but I’m still here, aren’t I? If I haven’t left already, then there’s no way I’m going to now. I can speak for the others, and I know that I’m not going anywhere, we’re not going anywhere . I can promise you that.” Sonic said in a comforting way as he pressrd his forehead agaisnt the door wanting to just yank it open.
“Guys—” tails tried to start but was interrupted by Amy
“No, honey, just listen to us, please, We don’t care about any of this because we love you.” the pink hedgehog said in a calm comforting voice wanting to try and lead tails out of the bathroom, convince him to just come out so that they could talk and be together.
“We’re not going anywhere, Tails, We don’t give a damn about anything else. We care about you. We love you. And you still have the audacity to say that we deserve better? Better than you? Yeah right, honey. That’ll be impossible. Because nothing gets better than you. Not for us. You’re the best there is.” Amy continued and whatever was left of Tails gentle fragile composure broke away. He just couldn’t take it anymore, he was way too tried.
He needed them, he needed his older siblings, he really really desperately needed them.
With shivering and shaking legs, he gently put his hands against the all and pried himself off the ground while quivering. It was too tiring to even move but still he did it. Slowly tails trailed his hand along the wall as he stumbled over the back room door slowly unlocking it and pulling open. He slowly faces his older siblings in a weak and vulnerable state. He expects them to walk away, decide that he wasn’t actually worth it. Instead Sonic, Knuckles and Amy smiled at him with all the love, gentleness and tenderness in the whole world. Something that makes Tails whole body quiver.
Instead of grabbing the boy into a hug they wait, it was tails decision and they weren’t about to take that away from him so slowly they open their arms offering a hug, taking no offence if he didn’t want one but instead tears started to fall harder from tails eyes. The eight year old collapsed forward into their arms, knees buckling and shaking severely.
Tails feels like he’s falling apart, like he’s broken and the shards of him and slowly but surely coming apart but his friends . His family. Hold him close keeping him from falling apart at the seams. The three tell him over and over and over again about how speciel he is to them, how much he means to them, how much they love him and how important he is to them. Perfect or not. He lets himself start to believe them.
One day tails hopes he can love himself as much or even a fraction of what his older siblings do