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“No.”
“Booo.” Remus swatted away the Chocolate Frog wrapper Sirius chucked his way.
“Don’t boo me. I’m not doing it,” he insisted. Sirius sighed, long and mournful.
“I suppose you must not be truly dedicated to courting our dearest Lilyflower then…” Remus wrinkled his nose.
“Stop talking like that. You sound like when you were in First Year.” Sirius flipped him the V and finished.
“...so I guess all there is left is to let James woo her. Unless you’re gonna finally get the balls to ask her yourself?”
Remus knew his silence was answer in itself, and felt more than a little pathetic as Sirius gave him a pointed look.
“I can see it now: Head Girl falls for Head Boy. They start dating. Get hitched right after Hogwarts, honeymoon in Paris, Lily pops out a whole Quidditch team of redheaded Potter-Evans babies—”
“Do you have to phrase it like that?” Remus gritted out.
“—their babies have babies, and before we know it Prongs and Evans are old and retired and yelling at each other in their retirement homes or whatever the fuck straight couples do, and you die with the worst case of blue balls this world has ever seen.” Remus straightened up, indignant and desperately trying not to imagine what a household of Potter-Evans children would look like.
“It’s not just about sex, Sirius,” he began haughtily. “I happen to think Lily is very intelligent, and witty, and passionate, and—and has integrity, too, so—” He was starting to lose the plot. He scrambled to find his way back to it. “Anyway, Lily’s her own person, who can make her own decisions. If we need to trick them to make sure they don’t date, then it probably wasn’t meant to be, anyway. If what makes Lily happy is marrying James and having a whole Quidditch team of babies, then, well, I’ll happily die with blue balls.”
Remus’ declaration was probably a little too loud, because a few Third Years swiveled their heads around and gaped. He winced and started to duck his head, then remembered Sirius was still sitting across from him and he had a point to make, so he cleared his throat and tried to look confident.
“So there,” he added, lamely. Sirius stared.
“Yeah. Real brave of you, mate.”
They both lapsed into silence. Painful, awkward silence in which Remus tried to read his book, failed, and ended up envisioning James and Lily’s disgustingly beautiful wedding instead. James would probably want to do something ostentatious and cheesy, like sub lilies for roses in all the flower arrangements, and Lily would make sure the colors were something actually nice instead of garish red and gold. They’d have their first dance, and Remus would awkwardly dance with another guest during the reception only to go home after half an hour and ruminate on how nice Lily’s hair looked when it was all done up. James and Lily would go to their home, and sleep in the same bed, and that’s probably when the whole Potter-Evans Quidditch team would come into play, and—
“Oh, hell.” Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands, abandoning his book completely. “I can’t believe I’m actually considering this.” Sirius beamed and slapped him on the back.
“There’s a good lad, Moony!”
Perhaps it would be helpful to go back to the beginning, fifteen minutes prior to Remus’ inevitable surrender.
See, Sirius and Remus both had a common problem, one that could be enumerated in list fashion as shown below:
- Remus was in love with Lily.
- Sirius was in love with James.
- James was in love with Lily.
It was in point three where the problem lied: this year, their last year at Hogwarts, James had taken it upon himself to finally get Lily Evans, apple of his eye and object of his (irritating) affections since First Year, to day yes to a date. Not that he hadn’t tried before; it was just that this year, he’d gotten particularly serious about it. So serious, in fact, that when Dumbledore offered the Head Boy position to him, instead of laughing it off like all his friends expected, he said yes, purely because he knew Lily was going to be the Head Girl.
Sirius and James, best friends since first sight. Remus and Lily, likeminds who had always been the tie between their respective friend groups. In theory it all fell together rather neatly, but now it was in jeopardy.
Remus, for his part, was planning to keep all of his feelings in his ribcage to wither and die where they belonged. Maybe adopt a Kneazle or something to try and speed up the stages of grief a bit. Sirius had a very different idea.
“I said I was considering it,” Remus warned helplessly. “Not that I’ve agreed.”
“Might as well have,” Sirius said, shrugging. He threw himself back against the couch in that elegantly lazy fashion of his that always had Remus vaguely jealous. He had a feeling that if he attempted such a feat, his long limbs would spill everywhere like one of those blow up men Muggles stuck in front of car dealerships.
“You won’t regret this, Moons!”
He already did.
Week One.
“Padfoot!” Sirius heard James call from across the courtyard. Becoming an Animagus had heightened his hearing to near-lupine levels, meaning he could have probably heard James all the way from the other side of the Black Lake if he hollered loud enough.
Sirius pretended he heard nothing.
“Padfoot?” James’ shout sounded confused now. It made Sirius want to toss this whole operation out the window and go to his best friend (hopefully boyfriend, by the end of this) immediately. He shook the urge. Clearly making himself available constantly wasn’t going to work; he’d made it pretty bloody obvious for the last seven years that he wanted nothing more than to snog James silly, and that hadn’t worked. Apparently subterfuge was necessary.
Sirius hated subterfuge.
“Pads! OI, PADFOOT!”
“What’s got your knickers in a twist?” Sirius shouted back, pretending to have just heard James. It was a bit funny seeing Prongs all huffing and puffing from having to jog all the way down the beach. And sweaty. There was a trail of it sliding down his neck, his collarbone, and into his shirt. James had a very biteable collarbone, Sirius thought.
“Something wrong?”
Sirius shook himself out of his reverie. Focus, Black, Merlin’s pants. “Nah. What’s up?”
“Wanna go to Hogsmeade?” James shook the map in one hand with a grin. “Bet you five galleons Madame Rosmerta will give us free drinks.”
Instinctively, Sirius opened his mouth to say yes—then had to make an effort not to visibly wilt when he remembered the script. “Ah, sorry Prongs, but I’m studying with Moony tonight in the library.”
James stared. He raked his gaze quickly up and down Sirius’ form, searching.
“Studying?” he repeated, sounding befuddled. Sirius, knowing he absolutely would not be getting any studying done tonight and would instead probably spend the time listening to Remus wax poetic about Lily and doing the same about James, lied immediately.
“Yes,” he said, forcing a defensive note to his voice. James’ brows furrowed. He stared harder, like he was trying to solve a particularly complex Arithmancy problem. “What?”
“You,” James said slowly. “Studying.”
“With Remus,” Sirius felt the need to tack on. “Thought maybe I’d listen to him for once. He’s always going on about working ahead.” Sirius was pretty sure James hadn’t blinked in over a minute. When he next spoke, it was faint, as though he was coming out of a fog.
“Right.” James squinted suspiciously at him. “You sure you’re feeling alright?”
“Yes!” Sirius said, exasperated. “What’s so hard to believe?” He sniffed. “Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf. I can be an academic.”
James howled with laughter at that one, and Sirius promptly tackled him into the grass. They rolled around for an indeterminable amount of time, until both of them were panting and grass-stained and sweaty. There were smudges of dirt on James’ glasses. They locked eyes, grinning, and suddenly Sirius became hyper-aware of the fact that he was still lying on top of James. His heart thumped loudly in his ears. His throat dried up.
Suddenly, James perked up. “Oh! Since you’re abandoning me, what do you think the chances are of me scoring a date with Evans by tonight? Can’t go to Hogsmeade alone, and I’m arsed if I’m spending a Friday night doing bloody homework.”
Just like that, the spell was broken, and Sirius got the first inkling that maybe his bright idea was going to be more painful than he first thought.
Week Two
Remus’ palm was sweaty. His fingers felt both too warm and too cold simultaneously, and he was devoting about ninety percent of his brain capacity to resisting the urge to wipe his hand on his robes every ten seconds. Even if he gave in, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to. Sirius had a death grip on his hand like he was trying to keep him from running away. A wise decision, given that physical contact made Remus break out in hives and he felt more awkward than he had in all seven of his collective years at Hogwarts.
A few days ago, Sirius, sour faced at apparently missing the opportunity to go to Hogsmeade with James because he had to hang out with Remus (part of the plan he devised, Remus was tempted to remind him, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure Sirius wouldn’t punch him for it), suggested they move up the stages of their “relationship” sooner. Not even two weeks, and Sirius was already getting cranky from having his James time taken away. He’d pointed out that most couples held hands and, if they really wanted to be believable and make James and Lily jealous, they’d have to give them something tangible to be jealous of. Remus kind of hated that it made sense.
“Oi! Red!” Sirius barked. A flash of ginger hair down the hall, and Remus’ heart skipped a beat. Lily Evans turned at the sound of Sirius’ booming call, and raised one perfectly plucked eyebrow at him. Sirius was waving his entire arm in the air.
“Subtle,” Remus muttered, then had to stifle a yelp as Sirius elbowed him. Sirius dragged Remus behind him like a hostage, and the two of them met Lily halfway through the corridor.
“Black,” Lily greeted amicably. When she turned to Remus, he swore her voice was just a few degrees warmer. “Hey, Remus.”
“Er—Hi,” he said dumbly. The tips of his ears felt hot. He swore he didn’t used to have this problem talking to Lily. What was happening to him? “How’re…” Remus scrambled desperately for a topic. “...Things?”
Sirius’ unimpressed stare bored into the side of Remus’ head, but he wasn’t paying attention to it. Lily’s gaze was lingering on their linked hands, surprised and faintly amused.
“Cozy?” she said lightly. Remus and Sirius straightened up in unison.
“Yep,” Remus said, his voice coming out about an octave higher than usual. “Yep, I mean—yes. Mhm.” He frantically tried to remember how normal people held hands. Oh, God, was there a suspicious way to hold hands? Could Lily tell?
Before he could spiral too deep into a panic, Lily’s laugh broke his frantic train of thought. Her laugh was rich and throaty, and something about the way her brows scrunched when she did it made Remus’ chest feel funny.
“Relax,” she said. There was no judgment in her face, and Remus loosened slightly. They were in the clear. “I’m just kidding. It’s good, you know. A lot of the guys in our year are too emotionally constipated to be affectionate with their friends. Honestly, what do they think is going to happen if they hold each others’ hands? That their balls will shrivel up?” Suddenly Lily started, glancing down at her watch and then cursing. “Shit, I’m running late. This is all your fault, Sirius!” And then she was off again, a fiery whirlwind, leaving both Remus and Sirius still frozen in the wake of her misunderstanding.
Sirius craned his neck back to stare up at the ceiling, bewildered and despondent. “How?” he muttered disbelievingly.
“At least she was progressive about it,” Remus muttered. Sirius scowled and ran his hand through his hair, a habit he’d picked up from James what felt like eons ago.
“Okay. I can work with this. We just have to make it more obvious.” Sirius continued muttering madly to himself under his breath. The students passing them in the hall gave him a wide berth. Remus closed his eyes.
“Sirius?”
“What?”
“Let go of my hand, please.”
Week Three
“You’re what?!”
“Dating,” Sirius repeated, trying to sound enthusiastic. “Remus and I are dating.”
He couldn’t really tell if James was buying it.There was a complicated flurry of emotions flashing across his face that blurred together into a general look of constipation. Several times his best friend would open his mouth, close it, open it again, and then clamp it back shut. He looked like a fish. Any other time Sirius would make fun of him for it, but right now he felt like he was going to explode with nerves.
He and Remus had both agreed to tell James and Lily separately. It would be easier than having to be affectionate in front of them, and it gave them privacy if there were any surprises. Like, for example, James snogging Sirius senseless against the wall in a fit of jealousy and then confessing his undying love.
(Remus had told him that there was no way this would happen. Sirius had responded that maybe Remus should shut the fuck up since he nearly got a D in Divination.)
Sirius had no idea how Remus’ conversation was going, but he was going to need a response from James now because he was starting to think he’d broken his best friend.
“James?” Sirius prodded cautiously. James was now pacing and running a hand through his hair. Sirius couldn’t get a gauge on his expression. “Prongs, I—I know it’s sudden, but, er… I love him?” Was that a statement, or a question? Fuck. Sirius cringed at his own pathetic attempt to back up his and Remus’ lies, but luckily, James didn’t seem to process that he’d said anything at all. He’d stopped pacing and had a determined look on his face, as if he was bracing himself for something.
Sirius’ pulse soared. The rest of the room faded away. This is it, he thought, hardly daring to believe it. This was the moment he’d been waiting for. Finally, James was going to tell him he had feelings for him. And Sirius would confess that he felt the same, and he was just trying to make James jealous, and they’d laugh about how stupid of a plan it was and then snog and get married and buy a house and have kids and—
James strode forward in two broad steps, clasped both hands on each of Sirius’ shoulders, and said: “I’m happy for you.”
The Potter-Black household Sirius had carefully been building in his mind (two stories, big yard, with a motorcycle garage and one of those tellyvisions he’d seen at Evans’ house) shattered like a pane of glass. He gaped at James, feeling a little bit like he was floating out of his own body.
“...What?”
“I’m happy for you,” James repeated, firmer this time, gaining conviction. Oh no oh no oh no— “I mean… it makes sense.” No it bloody fucking doesn’t! “You two… you go well together. And, er—if he makes you happy, then that’s what I want, too.”
What Sirius wanted was to scream. What he did do was nod his head like a stupid bobble figure and stare at James’ heartbreaking dimpled grin as his best friend and love of his life told him how proud he was of him for getting together with Remus— Remus! —and how he didn’t think of either of them differently, he was bi, he didn’t care…
And somewhere between feeling like he’d been hit over the head with a bludger and processing the fact that James had just told him he liked men too, James gave him a tight hug and then left to the Quidditch field. Sirius was left standing there, frozen, head spinning and face burning a million degrees.
“...Bollocks.”
***
Remus stumbled slightly as James came storming around a corner and knocked into him.
“What—Prongs? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” James seethed, grinding his jaw mutinously. He didn’t even turn to look at Remus as he swept off down the hall. “Going flying. See you.”
Remus watched his friend retreat, incredulous. James wouldn’t look at him for the rest of the evening.
Week Four
“Are you ready?”
No. Remus was not ready.
“Moony,” Sirius said impatiently, and Remus nodded anyway. “Good. ‘Cos they’re almost here.”
It was December, and Sirius’ plan still hadn’t panned out. They’d held hands, went on “dates,” even confessed their supposed relationship to James and Lily, and yet there was no progress. James and Lily continued to grow closer, helped along by the fact that they were the Gryffindor Heads. They’d been nothing but supportive of Sirius and Remus’ “relationship,” which in any other scenario would be heartwarming, but right now just made Remus want to bash his head against a wall. There was only one more step to take in this gambit, and it was one they’d both been avoiding for months.
“Oh, Moony! Is that mistletoe?” Sirius crooned, overdramatic and much louder than necessary. His voice carried down the corridor, as planned. Remus stared up at the stupid twig hanging above them with dead eyes.
“Looks like it,” he said, trying and failing to inject enthusiasm into his voice. Sirius elbowed him. He coughed, glared, and tried again, hoping he sounded the slightest bit happy to be standing under mistletoe with his boyfriend. “What are the odds?”
Kissing. It was something most couples did, and, according to Sirius, a surefire way to finally get James and Lily’s attention. Remus couldn’t even blame Sirius much for this situation, because not only was his logic sound, but Sirius seemed to be dreading it just as much as him. “Just ‘cos I’m into blokes doesn’t mean you’re my type. No offense, Moony.” “None taken, Padfoot.”
There were footsteps echoing down the hall: James and Lily, making their rounds for the evening. It was now or never.
“If this doesn’t work, I’m cutting your balls off,” he promised Sirius solemnly. Sirius nodded, a little pale-faced.
“Yeah. I’d deserve that.”
They leaned in.
They kissed.
It was… mediocre. Wet was the first thing that came to Remus’ mind, and then he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was snogging his friend. He very politely ignored the face he could feel Sirius make against him in favor of the footsteps and the sound of idle chatting coming closer. He felt like his face was on fire. Even if this worked, he was never going to burn this memory from his brain.
All of a sudden, the footsteps stopped. Immediately both Remus and Sirius yanked their heads away. Remus tried to wipe the disgust from his face as he turned, deer-in-the-headlights, to see James and Lily.
They’d been expecting this; it was all part of the (stupid, terrible, awful, fuck you, Padfoot, why did I agree to this) plan. James and Lily see them kissing, James and Lily get jealous, and somewhere in there, they profit. Except now, with his best friend and his crush staring at him and Sirius with their eyes bugging out of their heads, Remus felt much less confident.
“Merlin’s balls—” James threw a hand over his face like he’d caught them having sex and not just having a subpar snog for about three seconds. Even Lily looked frazzled, but she was quicker to start laughing, albeit with a slight note of hysteria.
“Is this what we have to look forward to all Christmas break?” she complained good-naturedly. Her gaze was studiously fixated at a point between Remus and Sirius instead of at either of them. “I expected it from you, Sirius—”
“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“—but I expected better from you, Remus.” Lily put her hands on her hips. “For shame,” she said, and the mock-scolding in her voice did something funny to Remus’ insides that almost made up for the fact that he’d just snogged Sirius. Almost.
“Wha—y—but—” Poor James, meanwhile, was still short-circuiting by the wall. He hadn’t removed his hand from his eyes yet, but Remus could see that his cheeks had darkened between his fingers. He stammered uselessly as a laughing Lily dragged him away, calling out a strangled “Get a room!” as he disappeared back around the corner that sounded rather like a dog yelping. Remus and Sirius looked at each other, and then at the mistletoe. Both scrambled away.
“Yuck,” Sirius spat, wiping his mouth on the sleeves of his robes. Remus tried not to feel offended.
“This was your idea,” he reminded Sirius sourly as he shoved a breath mint into his mouth. He deflated, staring gloomily up at the mistletoe, still twinkling in the air. He thought back to the way Lily had avoided his eyes. “...Do you think it worked?”
“Better have,” Sirius grumbled, and that was that.
The rest of the term, James and Lily got closer and closer. It felt like the more obvious Sirius and Remus were about their “relationship,” the more it drove the pair together. A month after the Mistletoe Incident, James proudly boasted that he’d finally achieved his dream of getting Lily Evans to go on a date with him.
Shortly after that, Remus told Sirius in no uncertain terms that he was never agreeing to a single idea he had again, and that he owed him a month’s supply of Honeydukes chocolate and had to write his next five Transfiguration essays for him. Sirius gloomily agreed, and resigned himself to forever be a bachelor.
Four years later
“...and that’s why, when you grow up, Haz, never ever listen to your dad for love advice.”
Harry, oblivious but charmed by James’ fingers waggling playfully over his tummy, squealed and grabbed at them. James snickered as he felt his husband’s breath puff against his side.
“So mean to me,” Sirius grumbled, face pressed into James’ shoulder and muffling his voice. James chuckled.
“Oh yeah?”
“Definitely.
James hummed, faux-sympathetic. “You have to admit,” he muttered into silky black hair, “it was a terrible plan.”
“I was seventeen,” Sirius groaned. “I was an idiot. Can we move on, or will you hang this over me for the rest of our lives?”
“Second one, love. Sorry.” Sirius groaned again, burying his face in his husband’s pajama sleeve. But as James threw back his head and laughed, he could hardly find it in himself to stay mad.
Apparently, the best way to convince the person one was interested in that they were available was not to date someone else. After finding that their respective crushes were taken by each other, James and Lily decided that they were each others’ next best option and tried to make it work. Key word being tried. Soon after school they’d broken up, only to find out a few months later while out catching up with a very drunk Peter at the Three Broomsticks, the whole truth of Sirius and Remus’ brief “fling” in highschool. The rest was, as they say, history.
Years later, and Sirius knew it would be many years more before James ever let him live this down. But it was worth it, because now he and James were married, in a two-story house with a sprawling yard and the most perfect kid ever.
Oh, and while they didn’t have a motorcycle garage yet, Sirius was already working on opening his own.
The universe really did work in mysterious ways.
***
“So you’re telling me we could have been together for the past four years, if you had more of a spine and didn’t go along with whatever dumbass idea Padfoot proposed?”
“…Yes.”
“Merlin’s underpants. If Sirius ever has an idea that involves you again, just come get me, okay?”
“Yes, Lils.”
“Oh, and by the way—I love you too.”