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Harry never used to be so overtly, painfully, aware of himself. It’s like he was floating above, looking down, judging his every move. It’s exhausting. Humiliating even. What’s worse is it only happened around them. Around her.
He smiled to hide the shame. The jealousy.
Harry watched the two laugh, watched the way her hands lingered when she shoved him playfully. He forced his eyes to look anywhere else. He crossed his arms on the table and hid his face in them. It doesn’t help. Now he’s alone with his thoughts.
It’s an understatement to say Harry wasn’t very kind to himself. Especially during moments like this. Who was he to look at them and feel anything but happy for them? How dare he, right? He sighed and resigned himself to crying about it as soon as he got home. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Hey Har, you okay?” MJ’s voice pulled Harry back to reality.
He looked up to meet her gaze. Mary Jane Wattson was truly the prettiest girl he knew. Her lovely auburn hair was somehow always perfectly done. Those kind blue eyes made him feel at ease and he loathed them for it.
“Yeah all good. Didn’t get much sleep is all.” He added a thumbs up and hid his face back in between his arms. He could feel his friends staring at him from across the lunch table. He definitely wasn’t convincing enough, they knew him too well.
Pete got up and walked around the table to sit next to Harry. He slung an arm around his shoulders. Harry resisted the urge to lean into the embrace.
“You haven’t touched your food man. You okay?” His voice was low like it was only meant for Harry.
Harry didn’t want to move, didn’t want to look at Peter. “Not hungry.” That wasn’t exactly untrue. He’d been losing his appetite a lot lately and it didn’t go unnoticed by any of them.
Pete gave MJ a look and she got up to sit right beside them. Harry was now sandwiched between them. He couldn’t tell if he liked it or not. She put a gentle hand on Harry’s hair, ruffling it slowly.
“C’monnn Har, lunch lady Susan worked so hard on those shitty chicken sandwiches you love. Frankly, it’d be rude if we didn’t eat them.” That voice. Damnit she's so charming.
Harry groaned dramatically and lifted his head to glare at both of them.
“You guys are so damn annoying.” He said while shaking his head to hide a smirk.
“We love you too buddy.” Peter used the arm around Harry to squeeze him. “Now hurry up and eat before we gotta get back to class.” Pete’s arm was gone and Harry had never felt so cold.
“Fineeeee.” He picked up the sandwich and begrudgingly took a bite. MJ smiled at him. She truly was the most gorgeous person he’d ever seen, apart from Peter of course.
—
After school, they headed to a nearby park they often frequented.
Harry walked a few steps behind them, observing. MJ was going on about the school newspaper and Pete was fixated on her. Harry watched Pete’s gaze move across her features like he was trying desperately to commit them to memory. Had Pete ever looked at him so…intensely? He doubts it.
They make their way up a hill adorned with a white oak tree. Peter makes it up there first.
“Hurry up slowpokes, we’re gonna miss it!” Pete held onto his camera and looked back at his friends.
“Dude, what’s this for again?” Harry held onto his chest, breathing heavily.
“Well, I figured I could get some experience with my new digital camera and get something to put on my new corkboard. Two birds one…camera yknow?” Pete rubbed the back of his neck.
“Well, it’s a good thing you decided on photography over that stand-up idea, 'cause geez Pete.” She snorted a laugh. “Read my mind MJ.” Harry laughed alongside her and Peter squinted his eyes at them.
“Both of you shut it and stand next to Quincy. This opportunity won’t last forever.” Quincy was what Pete named the giant oak tree. He got it from its scientific name, Quercus.
Harry and MJ put their bags down and walked over to Quincy. Harry felt her arm wrap around his waist. He put an arm around her shoulders and they gave Pete their best smiles.
“Let me adjust the ISO…mkayyy.” Pete smiled like a dork as he snapped an adorable picture of his two friends. They started walking towards Pete to see the picture. “Wait wait! C’mon more poses! Gotta take advantage of this lighting!” He shooed them back to Quincy.
“Geez he’s so bossy sometimes,” Harry whispered. “Tell me about it.” She smiled and walked behind him. Harry knew where she was going with this. He knelt down slightly so she could rest her chin on his shoulder. Then they rested their heads against each other and smiled brightly.
Pete's heart was so full. “Wow…you’re both so pretty.” He quickly took another photo.
Harry's heart skipped a beat. Did he hear that right..? Him, pretty? Pete just called him pretty.
MJ nudged Harry playfully. “Oh, right!” He thought for a moment before stepping beside her and grabbing a lock of her hair. He put it over his lip as a makeshift mustache and laughed like an idiot. MJ gave him a half-hearted sneer.
He snapped another photo quickly. It was the cutest thing Pete had ever seen. Definitely getting printed and going in his room ASAP. He looked up from his camera and noticed the sun disappearing behind various buildings in the distance.
“Think that’s the last photo we’ll be able to get for now, also my heart cannot take any more.” He chuckled and walked towards Quincy before plopping down on the grass, his back against the rough bark.
Harry and MJ followed his lead, sitting on either side of him like they had countless times before. Pete laid his head on MJ’s shoulder as he scrolled back to the first photo.
“Ooh, we actually look pretty good there. Not bad Pete.” MJ nudged his side with her elbow.
Pete smiled and scrolled to the second picture. “I really like this one. The lighting really compliments your hair.” Pete spoke softly. “Well, the photos are only as good as the amazing photographer taking them.” Her voice was playful.
He’s right next to them, feels Pete’s arms brushing against his, but he feels so alone. Doesn’t she realize the whole world is turning just for her? Well, Harry’s whole world at least. God, what did he do to deserve this? The question is mostly rhetorical but he wishes someone would give him an answer. He tries desperately to remember a time when they were all just friends and not this melting pot of confusion, but it’s impossible. Even if he hadn’t known it when they were younger, Harry had always felt this way for Peter. Similarly, MJ had always been the object of Pete’s affection, always. The second he saw her, no, the second he saw them together…he knew. He’d never seen Pete look at someone the way he looked at Mary Jane. It was both captivating and soul-crushing.
Harry feels a familiar hand on his thigh.
“Look! This one has to be my favorite.” Pete’s hand squeezes Harry’s thigh while the other shows Harry the stupid mustache photo.
“Oh yeah?” It took all of his brain power to say those two words. He stared at the photo to distract from the heat of Peter’s palm on him.
“Yeah. You guys look so adorable in this one.” Pete squeezes again and Harry almost believes he’s doing this on purpose. For what reason? Fuck- he doesn’t know, he can barely think right now. He’s just thankful Peter isn’t looking at him. This isn’t the first time Pete has been handsy but that doesn’t make it any easier, like at all.
“Let’s take one with all of us! With the tree-“
“Excuse you his name is Quincy.” Pete corrects MJ with a smirk.
“Ugh. With…Quincy as our backdrop.” MJ rolled her eyes when she saw Pete’s smirk.
Pete leaned closer to MJ and held up his camera. Harry seemed lost in thought again, so Peter moved the hand he had on Harry’s thigh up to his chin to grab it gently, redirecting his attention.
Harry makes eye contact with a smiling Peter, that strong hand still on his chin. His heart flutters.
There’s no way Peter can’t see the warmth spreading across his face. If he did, he doesn’t mention it.
“Okay, sayyy Quincy!!” Peter’s the only one that says Quincy. MJ doesn’t say it out of principle and Harry…well, don’t ask him to multitask for at least 48 hours.
Pete takes the picture and it’s perfect. He loves moments like this. No expectations, no strife, no Spider-man. Just him, his best buddy, and the girl of his dreams. He puts the camera back around his neck and sighs. The peace doesn’t last long.
MJ pulls out her phone and bolts to her feet. “Shoot! Guys I’ve gotta go, it’s almost 6 and my dad wanted me home by 6:30!” She slings her backpack around her.
Pete looks up at her. “Are you even gonna make it?”
“If the train decides to run on time for once, maybe!” She huffed out a laugh and kneeled down to embrace them. “See you guys later!!” They both said goodbye as she jogged away, waving at them before disappearing down the hill.
Guilt bubbles up in Harry when part of him feels happy she’s gone…especially since he knows where she’s going.
The two sit in silence for a few minutes until Harry feels Pete’s eyes on him. He looks up to meet his gaze.
“W-what?”
“You’ve just been so quiet lately…what’s wrong?” Pete’s voice is full of sincerity which makes Harry’s stomach turn.
Harry knows he needs to say anything, but no words are coming to mind. He can’t exactly tell Pete: ‘So, I might be genuinely super into you, and hanging out with you and MJ makes me kinda sorta wanna jump off a cliff’. Yeah…that wouldn’t go over well. Then, of course, Pete puts that damn hand back on Harry’s thigh and squeezes.
“We hardly hang out anymore. C’mon buddy…talk to me.” Pete was speaking softly, leaning closer before squeezing again.
Harry desperately wishes MJ would suddenly come back. He’s gonna fucking lose it. Pete can’t be this oblivious, right? That’s not how you coerce a friend or anyone really. Maybe Pete just knows there’s no way he can say no to that. That must be it.
“I-I didn’t wanna bother you guys. Finals are next week and you’ve both been so busy. MJ with her writing a-and you with your-“
“Stop, stop.”
“No, I’m so sorry that I’ve been acting weird. I’ll do better Pete. I promise I’ll be better-“
Peter grabbed Harry’s face with both of his hands.
“Stop, calm down. You’re doing that thing again buddy. You’re not talking to him, you’re talking to me. You don’t need to explain yourself, I’m not mad at you. I’m not accusing you of anything.”
Pete caresses his cheek with a thumb. If that doesn’t make Harry shut up, nothing will.
“We don’t have to talk about it. I just wanna know you’re okay man.” Pete pats his face and smiles before pulling his hands away.
Harry nods and does something that’s totally meant to be platonic. He grabs hold of Pete’s hand and intertwines their fingers. He half expects Peter to pull away, but he doesn’t. This is the first time they’d held hands since…7th grade? It feels as amazing as he remembered. The warmth and size of Pete’s hand is so comforting. Like it was made to be held by Harry’s.
They stay like that for some time, both looking up at the darkening sky. Harry’s gaze drifted to Peter and then down to their hands.
“Hey, Pete?”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Can…we cuddle?” Harry doesn’t even think before speaking. He just needs more of Peter.
Pete lets out a quiet chuckle, his lips perking up in a faint smile.
“Yeah, ‘course we can.” Pete lets go of Harry’s hand to instead wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. Harry wraps an arm around Pete’s abdomen, resting his head on Pete’s shoulder.
“It was just getting cold out so, yeah.” Is he trying to convince himself or Peter? Either way, it doesn’t work, but Pete doesn’t mind. Not one bit.
He knows it’s become increasingly rare for them to be alone this long without Pete having to inexplicably leave, or Harry excusing himself before he says/does something stupid. Now, he’s just content to stay here for as long as Pete will let him. He hasn’t felt this level of bliss in ages. It’s almost overwhelming. The hand Pete had on his thigh was nothing compared to this.
Harry’s embarrassed by how much he’s starting to love this. All he can see is Peter’s neck and that dorky sweater vest. All he can feel is Pete’s toned limbs surrounding him. All he can hear is Pete’s faint but even breathing. All he can smell is Peter’s dried sweat and cheap cologne. It’s perfect.
“You feeling better now?”
Harry sighed. “Yeah.”
“Good.” Pete held him tighter and leaned down to gently kiss him on his forehead.
Harry was caught so off guard, but he kept his cool. Part of him is glad Peter is this comfortable with him, but seriously why is he so damn touchy. He just sighs and holds his friend tighter. This is all they can be, Harry knows he needs to accept that and move on, but god, it’s difficult.
“Pete, I’m so so sorry I’ve been avoiding you guys. I’ve been a mess.“ Harry leaned into the crook of his neck and inhaled. “I missed you so damn much.”
Pete tensed at the movement but quickly settled into it, chuckling and holding him tighter.
“Jeez Har, maybe we should hang out less often if you’re always gonna be this clingy when we finally see each other again. It’s…kinda cute.” Peter runs a hand through Harry’s curly hair.
Harry’s entire body shivers, from Pete’s words or touch, he’s not sure. Thankfully, Pete just assumes he’s cold and pulls him even closer. Harry is so full of conflicting emotions, but his desire for Pete eventually wins out. He grabs one of Pete’s hands to intertwine their fingers once more. He gulps before leaning in, finally ready to risk everything for Peter. Their lips are so close.
A police siren rings out in the nearby distance. Pete looks in its direction and stands up quickly. Harry nearly falls forward but catches himself on Quincy’s rough bark.
“I-uh sorry Harry I’ve really gotta get going. May needed me to get some…groceries!” Peter spoke so quickly Harry hardly heard him.
“O-okay.” He must’ve sounded so disappointed cause Peter kneeled down to embrace him.
“Seriously, I’m sorry. It’s Saturday tomorrow, hang out then yeah?”
“Sure, Pete.” Harry hugged back and let go just as fast.
“See ya!” Pete grabbed his bag off the floor and disappeared down the hill just like MJ a couple of hours prior.
Welp. He’s not even disappointed. He almost made a huge mistake. Thankfully Peter made the choice for him. Obviously, he freaked him out. Harry just couldn’t keep his stupid fucking feelings in check. He groaned and pulled his knees to his chest.
Harry didn’t go home for another couple of hours, hoping to avoid a conscious Norman. His plan failed and he indeed ended another day crying alone in his bedroom.