Work Text:
“You know, no offense, but I really expected you to be dumb. Like, can't walk and chew gum at the same time dumb. I mean, I've heard the rumors… It's such a relief to actually be able to have a conversation with you. I really enjoy your company, London.."
There's a brief pause before London replies, "It took awhile to get chewing and walking down, but I put in a lot of practice." She and her last speed date of the night laugh, though she's not quite sure at what. It really did take her a long time to do both at once. He should be clapping for her, she should get a cash reward. He should marry her on the spot so that she doesn't have to wait by the phone for a call back from any of the other speed dating participants and can move on with her life.
Instead, she takes a slow drink of water while Maddie whispers a new conversation topic in her earpiece. Something about penguins? London barely processes it; she's mastered the fine art of letting the words flow into her ear and out of her mouth without them ever stopping at her brain. The natural flow makes it sound like she knows what she's talking about when in reality all she knows is that Harvard graduate number fifteen is just as boring as Princeton alumni number four. Ever since she graduated high school, dating has sucked.
Daddy wants her to marry smart. Wants her to bag a business major with a successful stock portfolio under his belt. Someone who can learn to run the Tipton empire, someone willing to take her last name to extend Daddy's legacy. It doesn't matter if he's funny or handsome or London's type so long as he's fine with signing the same forty page prenup agreement that Daddy's last ten wives signed.
She doesn't mind the idea of it too much. She'd like true love, but she'll survive a business investment marriage. She still has Prince Percival Persimmon DuLoc to cuddle at night and still has Maddie to keep her company the rest of the time. Whenever Maddie isn’t busy with college or volunteer work or helping her family, at least. London kind of wishes that Maddie would just take over the family business for her. Sometimes she's mean, but she'd still have London's best interests at heart. Even without the prenup. She blinks a few times, really rolling that thought around in her head, until her date interrupts by waving a hand in her line of vision.
"Hey, Earth to London? You were talking about volunteering in the Arctic and just went quiet. You okay?"
She looks at him, really looks at him. He's boyishly handsome and he seems legitimately interested in what she has to say. She could date him and he could date her face and Maddie's carefully chosen words and marry into a business and a lie. She isn't actually interested in him and he's only interested in a super duper fake version of her. Something clicks into place.
"Sorry, I don't wanna be here," she says, ignoring the more measured response that Maddie is trying to feed her. "I don't want to date you," she turns and starts pointing around the room, "Or any of them. Definitely not that one, he picked his nose the whole time. Gross!" The current speed-date partner of the man she called out gets up to leave, holding a napkin to their mouth in disgust.
Her date frowns, "Is this a joke? I'm not sure I get it."
She shakes her head and tugs the earbud off of her ear, then sets it down on the table. It's only after the damage is done that she remembers that Maddie asked her to turn it off before she took it out so the microphone wouldn't peak in her ear. Whatever that means. "Oh! Sorry Maddie," she calls into the earbud.
"Who's Maddie? And why were you wearing that?"
"She was coaching me through this super terrible boring date and all the other ones I've had tonight just like it."
"You need a coach?"
"Yeah, everyone Daddy wants me to marry wants someone smarter-er than me. Which is stupid because I'm super nice and really pretty and that should be enough."
He blinks a few times. He's visibly confused but thankfully doesn't seem overly hurt by the loss of his date. "Was I that boring," he asks, cringing as he waits for the answer.
"Aw, buddy... Yeah, you were. But lot's of girls like boring guys, you'll be fine," she assures him.
"Good to know," he responds, taking the rejection surprisingly well. In fact, if anything, he seems to just think it’s funny. At least she doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.
London grabs her earbud, gathers her things, and gives him a little finger wave before striding out of the convention center that’s hosting the upscale speed-dating event. After making it a few yards she hesitantly pops the earbud back in and asks, "Is this still on?"
"Still on, ears hurt, please don't shove me in your purse again."
"Sorry, I forgot how to turn it off."
"It's the blue button that says 'off' in big white letters."
"Well I can't read them while it's in my ear, duh."
There’s a brief pause, then Maddie responds, "Fair enough."
London pulls out her phone to text Esteban (who's recently been promoted from bellboy to chauffeur, which is both good for him and convenient for her) to pull the limo around. It takes a few moments, but Maddie pipes up again. "You know, your dad is gonna be pissed that you ditched another event."
"Yeah, but I didn't like my dates."
"You never like your dates. Besides, you told me this was more like a business thing, right? You just have to be able to put up with one of them."
"That's sad, though. I don't want that."
"Yeah, it's… If you don't want to do this anymore I could try tutoring you again. You can date whoever you want if you run the place."
"I don't want that either."
"You'll have to pick one or the other."
London huffs, then puts to words the thought that's been ruminating in the back of her mind, "I could just marry you. You're smart enough to do business stuff."
"London, we can't get married."
"Why not?"
"Because-" she starts, but then there's a pause. "Because… That's silly."
"It's not silly! We care about each other and like hanging out and we have a son together."
"Prince Percival isn't our son."
"Uh, yeah, he kinda is. We take care of him and dress him up and feed him and stuff. Like a baby."
"Okay, he's kind of our son. But that doesn't mean we should get married."
"Well what if we went on a date and we liked it more than I like pretending to talk to these terrible business dudes. Then could we get married?"
"London."
"What?"
"Be serious."
"I am serious! I'm super serious!"
"You're not."
"I am. Go on a date with me and I'll show you I mean it. Okay?"
There's a pause, then a sigh. Maddie relents, "Okay. One date, but then you have to figure out what you really want to do."
"Uh-huh. And when I show you the best date ever you'll agree to my super smart plan where we get married and I don't have to learn business junk."
Maddie laughs, only sounding a little bit exasperated. "Right, okay. If it's the best date ever, I'll consider it."
"Yay! Okay, goodnight Maddie. I see the limo now."
"Yeah, goodnight."
London remembers to click the earbud off just as the limo pulls up. Esteban comes out of the driver's seat and opens up her door. "You're out a little early. Did it go good this time," he asks.
"It went great! I'm scheduling a real date right now," she assures him, leaving out the part where she rejected every intended suitor at the event. She gets settled into her seat and Prince Purcival climbs out from his in-limousine dog house to lay beside her.
"That's great to hear, Mr. Tipton will be very happy. Maybe even happy enough to give me a raise," he says as he shuts the door for her. Once it's shut she grimaces momentarily towards the front of the limo. She's pretty sure that what she's doing won't make Daddy particularly happy. Maddie isn't exactly a businessman or tech mogul. Doesn't come from an already wealthy background. But London is hopeful he'll see things her way once he sees how smart and pretty and fun Maddie is. And how good she'd be at running his business, obviously. She's faster than a cash register at numbers, so she must be good at business.
She pets Purcival behind the ears with one hand and starts making reservations with the other. Maddie likes smart stuff, so they’ll go to that museum London likes the gift shop in and both be happy. It has to be the best date ever for her plan to work, so she should make sure the restaurant is upscale enough to be impressive, but not so upscale that Maddie will be disappointed by the itty bitty portions of cheese foam and berry reduction plated out to them. She’s starting to look forward to their date; beyond just wanting her plan to work, she’s happy to get to treat Maddie. She’s maybe, just a little bit, admittedly romantically into this idea now. It doesn’t register in her mind as a business proposal the way all her speed dating has, it just makes sense to London that they’d date.
When she goes to bed last night she falls asleep to happy thoughts about her best-friend / potential soon-to-be girlfriend instead of her usual worries about bagging a good enough husband to make Daddy happy.