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The second meeting begins with less excitement than the first. There is no angry yelling tonight, just quiet conversations that end when the ancient clock hanging in the church basement reads seven.
Nasir had arrived early again, this time it was due to excitement and not anxiety about the meeting- although his anxiety remained ever present. When he entered though he discovered that the main source of his excitement was nowhere to be see.
Naevia had informed him that it happened often, that some members of the group would have bad days or weeks that made it too difficult for them to function normally much less voluntarily tackle the source of their problems head on. She had told him that he shouldn't worry unless Agron misses more than three weeks of meetings, in which case Oenomaus would pay him a home visit. Nasir understood of course, he still found it hard to get out of bed some days, but the understanding didn't stop him from being disappointed.
He may not be even close to the point in his ‘healing’ where he was ready to think about dating or even sex, but he could recognise that he enjoyed Agron's company and if nothing more than a friendship developed then that would still be something good- and he could use some more good in his life.
As everyone settles down, Oenomaus clears his throat before speaking. “The reason we’re all here is because we have been through experiences that have changed us. Tonight I would like for us to speak about the ways in which we have learned to cope with our new selves.” He nods to the circle of people, opening up the floor for anyone to speak.
Just as before, Spartacus is one of the first to speak up. Even though this is just his second meeting, Nasir can already tell that Spartacus acts much like a leader in the group, not in the way that Oenomaus does, but he has a way of rallying everyone to participate just by using his own openness.
“I go to the gym,” Spartacus begins, “at first it was a way to release my anger, punching things until my fists bled and stuff like that... but then I started using it as a way to relax, just turn up my music and focus on a single task,” he pauses and huff a humourless laugh, “I still have days when I beat the shit out of punching bags for hours but...” He trails off, shrugging in a way that says ‘I don't have to explain the concept of bad days to you, you all already know’.
Everyone nods in understanding.
“Taking control of your body has benefits not only physical but mental as well. Also, it sounds like you've created for yourself a way to safely escape from reality. It's quite an achievement, Spartacus, and your bad days don't detract from that.”
Spartacus replies with a small, barely there, smile.
“I used to drink and have meaningless sex,” Gannicus says after no one else speak up, the self-deprecating smile Nasir has come to recognise as the man's signature is in place, “now I guess I watch a lot of shitty TV shows. I don't know if it helps me ‘cope’,” he spits the last word as if it's a curse, “but I guess it's nice to see people who aren't fucked up, or if they are it's because their vampire boyfriend died from a curse or some shit like that.”
Nasir can relate, after he was- after his- just after, all he could stand to watch was cartoons. Dora's problems were the only kind he was looking to deal with.
“Maybe you're trying to show yourself that your negative experiences don't reflect the reality of the entire world. Sometimes watching someone else's story can give you hope that yours isn't doomed to forever be a tragedy,” Oenomaus comments, seeming surprised by Gannicus’ honest reply.
Gannicus nods slightly, brows furrowed as he think.
There is suddenly a loud noise from the hallway; the sound of feet scuffing on the tile floor followed by someone yelling “fuck you”.
Nasir immediately recognises the voice as Agron's. A moment later the doors to the meeting room are pushed open and Agron comes stumbling in, the man that pushed him meets Agron's angry eyes without fear. "I'm waiting in the parking lot, if I see you leave before eight thirty I will run you over with my truck.” His words are violent but he says them with the same tone someone would use to threaten kids to get off their lawn- frustrated but without any real heat.
“If I could flip you off I would,” Agron growls petulantly.
The smile the man gives in response confirms Nasir's suspicion that he and Agron must be related somehow. Dimples those perfect couldn't have developed in two different family lines.
“See you at eight thirty,” the man says over his shoulder before leaving.
Agron shoves his hands deeper into the pockets of his hoodie before slowly shuffling over to take an empty seat in the circle. Nasir tries to catch his eyes to offer a smile to communicate ‘family, what can you do, huh?’ but Argon’s eyes never leave the spot between his feet.
Nasir swallows his disappointment and turns his focus back to the group who have already resumed their discussion.
Agron remains stubbornly distant all the way to the break, his entire body radiating anger which in turn darkens Nasir's mood.
Nasir makes a quick break for the bathroom the second Oenomaus allows it, needing a moment to get himself together, he would go get a smoke but he forgot his pack at home.
He splashes some cold water on his face until he feels almost human again. So Agron doesn't like him, maybe he read too much into their first interaction- he's a big boy, he can deal with rejection. It still hurts though, he didn't think that it would be this bad but it hurts like hell.
Taking a deep breath, he wipes his face, steeling himself for the next forty minutes of sitting in a room with the object of his sadness.
Just as he goes to open the bathroom door he see Agron through the grimy window in the top half of the door, he's just standing on the other side, staring murderously in the direction of the door handle.
Nasir watches him confusedly for a second before slowly pushing open the door, giving Agron plenty of time to move out of the way. “Everything okay?” he asks hesitantly.
Agron huffs frustrated, shaking his head. “Everything is the fucking opposite of ‘okay’.”
Nasir rolls his eyes. “That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?” Agron finally meets his eyes making an angry face that Nasir ignores. “Let me rephrase; is there something specific wrong right now?”
Agron looks at him, eyes narrowed as if he's debating whether or not to punch something, maybe Nasir- well maybe not punch, given his circumstance, but his look does promise violence.
After a minute Agron shakes his head, maybe trying to dislodge the violent thoughts. He uses his hands which are still hidden in his hoodie to gesture to the handles of the bathroom door. “My shit head brother didn't even let me go to the bathroom before dragging me out the house, and apparently I'm too fucking broken to open a goddamn door- so that's what's wrong right now.”
“You could’ve just asked someone for help,” Nasir says. He doesn't say it unkindly, but Agron looks at Nasir as if he just hit him.
“It's a fucking door, I shouldn't need help.”
“But you do,” Nasir replies before he can stop himself, frustration bleeding into his words. “That's why we're here, because we're all fucked up people that need help, pretending you're not one of us doesn't make you more fixed or whatever you wanna call it.”
He waits for a moment, but when Agron don't answer, Nasir groans angrily then turns and holds the bathroom door open. “Friends help each other, I know we're not friends yet, but I thought we could be.”
Agron remains silent, just watching Nasir for a long moment before entering the bathroom without a backwards glance.
And just like that the pain Nasir felt before is back. This time though he pushes it down, something he's quite familiar with doing.
He goes back to the meeting and just before Oenomaus resumes, Agron follows in.
“I'd like for us to continue our discussion on coping mechanisms if anybody else would like to contribute,” Oenomaus starts.
“I have my brother.” Agron says suddenly. It's clear from everyone's expression that they're surprised to hear from him. “I don't know if that even counts, but when I feel like I'm lost my brother is there to remind me of who I am...” He trails off, silent for a moment, “I don't have a lot of people in my life that I knew before all this happened, I don't have a lot of people in general because every time someone gets close this voice tells me that that person deserves better than having to put up with all of my shit-” he cuts himself off, rolling his eyes, “look at me, talking about voices as if I need to seem anymore fucking nuts.”
“Thinking that you're undeserving of someone's help is a natural feeling, Agron. “Oenomaus offers hesitantly, as if he's afraid that he might to send Agron retreating inward once again just from his words. “What you need to remember is that everyone has a right to make their own decisions, if your brother and friends decide that they want to spend their time helping you heal then that's their decision.”
“So I just selfishly let them waste their time on me?” Agron asks angrily, leaning forward as if he's challenging Oenomaus to say yes.
To his credit, Oenomaus doesn't react to the anger, he just smiles and shrugs. “Some dumb fucks like doing things for the benefit of others, it brings them some sort of happiness. I'm sure you have no idea what that's like,” he says sarcastically, clearly referencing Agron's military service. Nasir doesn't know Oenomaus that well, but he can tell that the man isn't one to say ‘dumb fucks’, it was clearly done for Agron's benefit, and it's successful judging by the way Agron huffs and leans back in his chair.
“I think-” Nasir begins awkwardly, then clears his throat. This is his first time speaking in group other than repeating the practiced lines he gave during the first session, and all of a sudden he's overwhelmingly nervous.
“Go on, Nasir, I would love to hear your input,” Oenomaus encourages softly.
Nasir swallows. “I think pushing away the people that want to help you -in order to spare them or whatever- ends up hurting them more in the end. After I was- after, I pushed away my sister and brother who are my only family... Now that I've accepted their help I can use them to cope, like when I'm feeling like shit I call up Chadara and I know she'll do whatever she can to make me feel better.”
“Using the support of family and friends is a great way to cope, both of you should be proud of yourselves for being strong enough to admit that you need help and humble enough to accept it. And I think that you're right, Nasir, sometimes we are so stuck in the narrative playing in our head -the voices telling us how things are- that we forget that other people see the world differently. Even if you see yourself as a burden, that doesn't mean that everyone else see the same thing when they look at you.”
After that a few more people chime in, adding stories or offering their own answer to the topic of the night.
Nasir is still shaking.
At one point Nasir looks up to see Agron staring intensely at him, as if he's trying to work out some puzzle. The look would be disconcerting coming from anyone else, but Agron seems like the type of person to either find somebody worthy his attention or ignore them altogether if he finds them lacking. That's why it hurt so much when Agron ignore him at the start of the meeting. He doesn't know what the look means but right now he doesn't have it in him to try to figure it out.
When Nasir catches his eyes, Agron looks away quickly, turning his attention back to the floor.
At the end of the meeting, Nasir slips out of the door the second Oenomaus calls it. He nods at Naevia before speed walking to his car, just as he reaches it though, he hears his name being called. He turns around to see Agron running towards him.
Similar to the first night, Agron stands there awkwardly, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. “If you wanna be friends or whatever you should probably get used to me being a dick.”
It's not really an apology but Nasir has the feeling that Agron doesn't apologise much. He watches Agron for a minute, trying to decide what it is that he wants to do. If he accepts the non-apology then what? Becoming friend or more with someone like Agron would probably add a level of complication to Nasir's life that he's not sure he needs right now.
“Okay,” he says finally, jumping in head first.
“Okay?” Agron repeats questioningly, as if he's not sure he heard it right.
“Yeah, okay. I can be a dick too, so if I handle your dickishness you have to handle mine.” Seems like a fair trade to him.
Agron's entire posture shifts, he goes from this hunched figure trying to take up as little space as possible to this giant, shoulders back and head held confidently as a smirk slides across his lips. It's like a switch being turned on. “Are you offering to handle my dick?”
Nasir laughs before he can stop himself. This must be the Agron that exists under all the weight of his trauma. Nasir likes it.
“This is only our second time meeting, you at least gotta buy me dinner before I start making offers like that,” he says, banter coming easy in a way it hasn't since before.
Agron grins, wide and dimpled. “That could be arranged. Can I- uh can I get your number?”
Nasir can almost see the second Agron's confident persona disappears and his quiet withdrawn self reappears. His light dimming.
“Yeah, of course,” Nasir answers quickly, trying to bring back that spark.
The corners of Agron's lip lift slightly but it's only a ghost of the smile the just gave. “My phone's in the front pocket of my jeans, I can’t... you know.” He looks frustrated, angry at himself.
“I think you're just trying to get me to put my hands in your pants,” Nasir teases, trying to go back to a lighter topic.
It works spectacularly. Agron laughs loudly, throwing his head back. “Please, you underestimate how smooth my moves really are. Just wait and see.”
Nasir rolls his eyes at Agron's boasting. He reaches into Agron's pocket where he see the outline of his phone. There's no lock on it so he opens it up and adds his number then sends himself a quick text so he also has Agron's number.
“There, now you can dazzle me with your amazing lines whenever you want,” he says as he slips the phone back into Agron's pocket. The light contact between his finger tips and Agron's jeans sends electricity running up his arms, and the look Agron gives him intensifies the feeling. He doesn't know when they got so close, but all of a sudden he's sharply aware of how close they're standing to each other.
A wave of fear washes over him, forcing him to take a step back, put some distance between them. He crosses his hands over his chest and tries to pass off his sudden movement as just him causally adjusting his stance.
The worried look on Agron's face shows that he doesn't buy it. “I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable...”
“No, its fine, I just-” Nasir stops, waving vaguely to encompass himself- Agron has already heard the story so he can make his assumptions.
“I really do want to have dinner, but there doesn't have to be any dick handling afterwards,” Agron jokes, “we can just hangout or whatever you want to do.”
His tone is light but Nasir can tell that there is truth in his words, that Agron really is willing to take things as slow as Nasir needs- as slow as they both probably need.
“Dinner sounds nice,” Nasir says, some of his tension slowly melting away.
He's rewarded with one of Agron's dimpled smiles. “Great,” Agron says, he makes an aborted motion to scratch his head and frowns for a second before huffing. “I'll uh, see you next meeting, huh?”
“Yeah,” Nasir replies, waiving as Agron makes his way over to a truck parked nearby. He watches as Agron's brother gets out and opens the door for him. Once Agron is inside, the brother turns to Nasir and waves, a huge smile on his face.
Nasir hesitantly waves back.