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Chapter Text

You were having a shit day to say the least  . Your project proposal at work had been denied and you couldn’t help feeling heart broken about it, but it didn’t seem like you were having the worst day.

It was early fall and you’d decided to take a walk in the park to hopefully lift your mood on the way home. Your phone played your specially crafted ‘Pep’ playlist. Some redundant pop song blasted in your ear.

“Hey!” The song paused and the scream became more distinct. You looked behind you and got up quickly to follow the sounds, thinking the worst when the shrieking got desperate. It didn’t take you long to find a man in a questionable predicament.

A masked man smiled up you or maybe it was more of his mask looked pleased to see you. He was a big man and you knew he’d be way taller than you if he was vertical.  He laid in a pile of what you could call grain. A few pigeons flanked his side. His torso was mostly covered in the seeds, thick limbs protruding outward as he waved you over.

Before approaching, you looked around. There was no secret mines or someone hiding behind the empty seed sacks.

“Can you pour the last bag on me before the big boys roll in?” He asked you like this was a normal situation, as if he asked you for more creamer in his coffee.

You weighed your options for a moment.

A large masked man in the superhero capital of the world just asked you to put more grain on him . How evil could this scenario really be? The worst he could be doing is poisoning geese, and most residents would probably thank him for that or he could have some weird bird fetish.

You stuff the thought of him having a poultry kink into some crevice you hope to never find again.

To make a long story short, you choose to help him. It was New York and you’d already seen more questionable things happen on the subway.

Meters away you see a swarm of geese moving towards you and you decide that you’d rather not be in the way when they bulldoze through.

You picked up the bag , which was heavier than you expected. A few other empty burlap sacks laid empty near him and before you began to pour, looking into the whites of his mask you asked, “This isn’t a weird kind of suicide right ? Or you’re not protesting the avengers with death by bird ?”

He repeats death by bird to himself a few times like a new phrase was added to his arsenal or a new idea .

“Nah this would be too nice for those pansies and as for suicide, I was thinking  maybe a bit later after some tamales or something.” He waved off your concerned look, but continued on, “This is like my therapy session after a bad day. The baby birds love it. I love it and I get to be in nature with the fresh air and the pretty stranger who for some reason is listening to me very intently I may add. People usually are already tuned out at this point.” He offers the last bit like a suggestion, something that would make him more palatable.  His feet are idly kicking back and forth as he talks which seems out of character for the villainous look he has.

You don’t know what to respond to so you stay silent and begin to pour the bag over his torso. It trinkets down from the pile and covers more of his legs and covers his wide shoulders completely.

“Your name?” The pop music was playing in one ear, but at a much lower volume.

“You can call me Deadpool or as you’ll soon realize Merc with a Mouth or jackass or dumbass as some prefer-“ He wiggles into the seeds before asking you for yours.

You give him  your first name, not comfortable enough to go any further than that. “Well it’s not as cool as your names. I don’t think I can top dumbass.”  He snorted at you.

“Oh baby I got worse names than that.” Deadpool snickers. The sack finally empties and you take the sack an place it with the others.

“This is kinda weird,” You grab a handful of the seed and watch it fall back down. Deadpool visibly shrinks back into the seed pile for a moment, “Can I join?”

The masked twisted a bit in confusion, “What-“

“Seems kinda relaxing, like you’re the center of attention but for a very volatile animal.”

He laughed loudly at that, “I was thinking more like burying yourself at the beach in sand but I’ll take it.”

Deadpool started immediately making space for you in the pile. You laid down next to him, not even a foot of distance between you and thanked him as he made sure you were as covered as he was.  You knew you’d be finding little seeds everywhere for a while.

“Milady,” he tipped his imaginary hat to you as you wiggled in some more and the big birds finally came in.

“Do you have anything in case they shit on us?” You turned to your seed pile partner in a wild revelation. The white of the mask seems to grow larger as well.

“I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t account for poop. Wait, scratch that. Not that I poop myself often or anything. Nothing wrong with pooping yourself if that’s your fancy. I don’t want to yuck your yum but it’d be really weird if an adult sized turd would float to the top right?”

“Pooping myself isn’t my fancy, by the way and I doubt it would float in this. It’d probably smear and get stuck in seeds.” You grimace at the thought and rethink joining him again.

“That’s if it’s a traditional turd.” He says this like it’s a grand thesis, a glove hand points his index upward to kindly interrupt.

“Traditional turd?” You question in a laugh and Deadpool didn’t stop his hypothesis until you settled back down again. “Oh did you want to listen to music too?”

“Depends on whatcha listening too.”

“Well it’s basically a playlist of pop songs that make me happy. I had a bad day earlier too.” You are a little embarrassed to admit that.

“Any doula peep?” He asks gravely. The Wendy Williams reference does not miss you and you respond with her standard hand motion.

“I’m not a big fan of her but a lot of Janet Jackson.” You offer him the AirPod and he takes it, stuffing it under his mask quickly.  The angle he turned didn’t allow you to see anything under the mask and you didn’t hide your curiosity either

He turns back to you as you turn the volume up, clearly struck by the peppy sounds of the Black Eyed Peas, “I think I’m in love with you.”

“You’re not but I appreciate the sentiment.” You smile at him once more before turning towards the sky again.

It’s nice while it lasts. Deadpool is very respectful. When a bird gets too close to your face, he swats them away. When they peck through the bottom and you slide a little further into the seed pile, he pulls you into a better position. You thank him for every deed and he , in turn, rewards you with a rant or a rendition of whatever song is playing.

It was oddly refreshing, but unfortunately came to an end when your phone rang. The name displayed made you sit up in worry. “It’s my boss. I have to answer.” you really couldn’t trust him to be quiet for long so you covered his mouth with you’re hand.

She didn’t waste anytime with a greeting. “Do you have any drafts of your proposal on hand? The client is actually more interested in a design like the one you showed earlier and we want to show them yours .”

You turned to Deadpool and mouthed, ‘I’m gonna shit myself.’ He nods frantically giving you a thumbs up.

“I can email you one in the next thirty minutes.” That was enough for you boss, who quickly thanked you and disconnected.

You screamed and fell back into the pile, scaring the birds away towards your feet. “Shit, I gotta go. I need some Wi-Fi to send it off.” You quickly exited the seeds and shook them off the best you could. The birds hobbled around you, taking your spot quickly.

“I get it. That call sounded important.” He faces away as he digs under his mask. “Maybe…” Dead pool pauses and gives you the AirPod back. The leather of his glove is warm. You can’t help but smile down at him, “it was nice meeting you.”

“Would you want to hang out again? This was fun and I’m still new here.” You see his mask pull into a frown and this makes you back pedal quickly, “ I mean it doesn’t have to be with seeds or anything. We could just talk or something.”

“I’d love to!” He nearly screams and starts making a seed Angel in the heap. The birds aren’t too pleased with this but put up with this nonetheless.

Chapter Text

The following work week you couldn’t get the masked man out of your head.

Deadpool had been a breath of fresh air for you and the fact you didn’t have to act cool in front of him made it even more fun.

You sent him a text a few days later, telling him that you had a lot of fun. He responded with a voice note ramble inviting you to multiple activities and ended with a serenade of ‘Dont You (Forget About Me)’ by Simple Minds.

A hum followed along at your desk before you mulled over the options. All of the activities sounded fun. The first was a stroll through the park with the chance of another seed pile, the second was  a movie but you had a creeping suspicion he’d talk through it. The last option  was afternoon tea on the weekend with a promise that Deadpool would dress to the nines like the lady he claimed to be.

You opted for the afternoon tea since you’d been itching to go. He sent you the address to one in Brooklyn  and offered a time to meet up.

The day before an anxious feeling took hold of you. You’d nervously picked out your outfit. It was mostly second hand items but still gaudy in a simple way.  Deadpool sent many photos of literal ball gowns that you knew had to be worth thousands.

If only you had a superhero budget.

The browser history on your laptop was full of Deadpool articles. In the night, curiosity had gotten the better of you. A large percentage of the articles barely mentioned him. There’d been hero teams that he’d tag along with  and his name was briefly acknowledged. He had a brief description of a wannabe on a lot them which saddened you. There was also a small percentage that was solely focused on him and mentioned his past life as a mercenary. You briefly thought about canceling after those reads.

Above them all was a Reddit page dedicated to him with first hand accounts from  New Yorkers. Unlike the news outlets, civilians loved him. Photos of him finding lost pets, videos of him beating up attempted rapists and  clips of him in an eating contest were just some of the few you went through.

Reddit made you feel like you’d made a good choice, but the thought of you, a nobody, hanging out with someone so shiny made you nervous. You were from random city number 152 in America and had somehow gotten into the good graces of a hero.

Getting ready was the hard part. You felt like you wanted to throw up.

What if this was a joke? What if you’d show up to other famously super people pointing and laughing at you? These thoughts flew away as Deadpool texted you a warm message.

On the train ride you’re sure you heard someone call you a slur a couple times on the ride. You got a few curious looks on the street but nothing too terrible on the short walk to the cafe.

Deadpool waited on a bench inside of the atrium . It was way nicer then you expected. You couldn’t help but smile at the man. He was in an emerald  Victorian gown with plenty of ruffles and a bustle skirt. In his hand held a single white rose , sitting elegantly.

“I hope I didn’t keep a lady waiting.” You tried greeted him with a joke. His head spun to you and his mask morphed into a look of shock. The whites of his eyes going large as he looked at you from head to toe.

“You look so good. Wow, I mean so handsome. You have to let me take photos of you .” Deadpool is quick to stand and gush over you, almost dropping his cute little clutch purse.

“Thank you. I probably look a fool standing next you.” Your outfit mirrored his in a different way. An old grey pinstriped suit that you know you overpaid for at the thrift store was really the pièce de résistance. You  wore a simple white button up with a burgundy tie that matched his suit. A laugh left you earlier when you realized how much it looked like a Gomez Addams cosplay.

“No way!” He screeched, “ I probably look like prostitute compared to you, but a Victorian bootleg version. Like the cross dressing version of  the woman in black ” Deadpool filled out the dress well. Maybe a little bit too well. He was muscular and like you’d guessed when you met him, Deadpool was a few heads taller than you. Even with his suit on underneath, it still looked perfectly balanced with the green dress. “This is for you, B-T dubs,” He held out the rose like a white flag and you happily tucked it next your handkerchief.

“Now my look is finished.” You pat yourself, very pleased with the addition.

“I’m so excited for this.” Deadpool was practically vibrating as the host lead you to the table. You pulled out his chair and he squealed.”I have to be hallucinating you. You can’t be real.”

You chuckled at that, “No hallucination. Im just well mannered.“

Despite him inviting you to afternoon tea, he didn’t know much about it which surprised you. You explain some of the aspects and when the waiter comes you help him pick a tea.

“How do you know so much about this stuff?” He asked after you explained what clotted cream was.

“My mom loved afternoon teas. It’s the only thing we really got along about, but she never let us have fun with it or anything. She was kind of strict in her own way about things.”

“Love-hate relationship?” His voice had taken a softer tone like he was worried about asking at all.

“More of a hate-hate. I don’t talk to her anymore.”

He hums an affirmation. “What about your dad?”

“My dad is kind of emotionally absent so not much to miss. They separated before I was even born.” You pour a bit of cream in your cup as you speak and smile as he follows after. “And your parents?”

Deadpool waits until the waiter finishes setting up the four story edible tower before he answers you.

“Same as you, shitty parents. Mine were a touch abusive. No happy memories really. Got out of my house as soon as possible, lived on the streets, went to the army , and somehow became the person you see today. Just a little uglier than I’d like to be . That’s my only complaint really.” Deadpool sped through his answer.

“I doubt you’re ugly. Your personality is too good for that.” You used the fancy tongs on the table to disperse the finger sandwiches to each plate.

“My personality is all I got now and not a lot of people consider it good.” His mask morphs into a look of disbelief, “ my body under this mask…it’s like they took my skin and put it through a mincer and then a mincer again and deep fried it and then slapped some ground beef on it.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.” Before he can rebuttal, you divert his attention to the display in front of him.  “Anyway, let me show you how to spread the clotted cream, I like mine with a little bit of the marmalade. Do you want to try y a bit of mine?” You wordlessly hold out your dressed scone for him.

“I’ll try any cream of yours you got to offer.” Deadpool winks at you and you nearly choke on your own spit. He turns to roll up his mask, takes a large bite before rolling it back down. “That’s so fucking good.” He whisper yells at you.

You want to tell him that he doesn’t have to worry about eating like that around you but it feels like an overstep after what he said he feels about his appearance. You make it your mission that he feels comfortable enough to show you one day.

The table had you two tucked in a quiet corner. The food tiers acted like a shield against the world and that made the outing feel somewhat intimate. Deadpool continued his normal rambling, but always  quieted down when you started to speak. His share of the food disappeared every time you glanced away. It was like he was shoveling it under his mask every chance he got. He even paid while you were in the restroom which caused a small argument only settled when he agreed to let you pay the next outing.

Chapter Text

“Next time, don’t be late for a client meeting.” Your boss’s voice rang throughout of your head as you packed up  from work.

You were only a few minutes late and that was good in your opinion since you’d been given the wrong address to begin with. The clients seemed okay but your manager was inclined to give you the third degree. No excuse made it any better, but only a threat to take you off of your own project shut you up completely.

You were so angry that you almost cried out of frustration on the train ride back. All you could do is text Deadpool and your roommate a few angry face emojis and a gif of an upset Tiffany Pollard. Deadpool was a more internet savvy and picked up on how upset you were quickly.

Who do I need to beat up? The immediate support in his response makes you feel a tad bit better.

Whoever sent me the wrong address for a client check in. I got chewed out sooo bad.

It felt easy to talk with Deadpool and he was a good listener when he wasn’t ranting. He never told you too much about his day job, but you figured government secrets aren’t the best conversation starter.

Quit. I’ll hire you to just look pretty. How much you want? A thousand a day?

You laugh out loud at that. A thousand dollars a day would be a dream.

I think I can sell my body for more than that :(

Are you offering body selling services? A million dollars in that case. I have it.

You wonder if he’s serious or not but you take it as a compliment. He was always flirting with you one way or another.

Two million and I’ll blow in your ear. You decide to play along. He only sends a screenshot of a google search asking what blowing in your ear is a euphemism for.

You feel a bit better now, knowing someone would have your back at least. He calls you on your way home.

“Come out with me tonight. I have a friend that owns a bar. It’s a lowkey spot. Let’s have some fun. T-G-I-F, right?”

“I don’t know I’m not really good with bars. I get drunk too quick.” You really wanted to lick your wounds in your bed with a scary movie. One about possibly murdering bosses or along those lines.

“You’re probably gonna mope . I’ll watch out for you.  We can drink Shirley temples the whole night and control the jukebox.  I’ll cut a rug figuratively and maybe literally if it gets too crazy. Then we’ll share a kiss goodnight like every rom com.”

“Rom-Com?” You chuckled at him.

“This isn’t tagged for it but I believe so.” The author chose to ignore this comment.

“If I agree to go will you stop trying to confuse me with whatever nonsense you’re spouting ?”

“Only if you agree to go, sunshine.” His voice took a richer timbre that made your ears tingle at the sound. You could practically hear him kicking his feet when you agreed.

Two hours later, Deadpool was in your apartment in a plain faded hoodie with forest green cargo pants. As always his mask were on and gloves were present.

It was funny to watch a man so large look around your flat. It was like a bull in a China shop. You can tell he was willing himself to behave  by how tense he seemed.

“You can breathe, ya’know? It’s just me and you here.”

His spine straighteners further and he places his hand palms down against his thighs. “I just don’t want to break anything important and be banned from coming back.” He ducks his head to inspect a photo of you and your roommate.

“I wouldn’t ban you. Well unless you break anything on purpose.. you don’t plan on breaking anything right?” You try to make another joke but this doesn’t help him very much. He immediately raises his hands up almost like you accused him of it.  Deadpool takes a step into the open space in the living room and you feel a little guilty at your comment.

“Not unless you ask me to.” His head lowers like he’s waiting for the kill shot.

“Deadpool, I know you won’t break anything. I promise. It was a bad joke. Okay?” He nods to you and finally meets your eyes again. You give him a small smile and point to your couch. “Take a seat and relax please. I’m just gonna change really quick.” You emerge again in your most flattering pair of jeans and an old band tee that was a little too tight. You needed to feel like you looked good and from the brief once over you got from Deadpool confirmed so.

“Maybe we should stay in and order food.” He says it a little quietly. This isn’t the Deadpool you know. Not the gallant, brave man you’ve gotten to know. He was always so quick to give you encouragement and kind words.

You intended to do the same.

“You begged me and now you’re chickening out?” Deadpool doesn’t speak and his mask doesn’t move a peep. He’d been acting a little weird since you met up and it was more worrying as the time went on. “Hey, are you alright?”

“Yes…I mean no, but I could be worse-“ He opens his mouth again and closes it.

“We don’t have to go out. Hell, I really could take you up on a night in.”  You sit on the coffee in front of him and really look him in the eyes. “ Wanna talk about what’s making you so nervous tonight?”

There a few seconds of silence before he actually answers you, “You’re gonna run for the hills.” He says this deadly serious. His arms cross at his chest and he’s sitting like he’s on his way to a battlefield. The only light is from a lamp next to him and it casts matching serious shadows across his mask.

“Cmon it’s me. We’re friends, right?” There’s another attempt to diffuse the air of despair. You  want to reach for his hand but place yours on his knee instead and give it a comforting squeeze.

“So I called Weasel, the piece of shit of a friend who owns a bar, to tell him to clean the ladies room since you were coming and I wanted to let him know a real lady was gonna be at the bar tonight. You may not know this factoid about me but I am a world class fuck up. I’m good at killing things like that’s why I was a mercenary for so fucking long because I was good at doing bad things and long story short, Weasel is a fucking nag  but he’s kinda right that I should tell you about all of my misdeeds before I drag you into my life.” The leather of his gloves creak as they tighten on his arm, “I like you and I like hanging out with you and talking to you. Hell, you’ve been the nicest person to me in a long time but I have this sinking feeling that I’m gonna mess it up.”

The last part isn’t as rushed as the first half had been.

“So you’re nervous I’ll find out something about you that will make me hate you?”

“To put it simply… yes.”

You stand immediately and reach for your phone. Your body plops down next to him and you open your browser to his Reddit page. Deadpool cranes his neck in interest as you begin to speak, “ This page is one of the things that made me want to hang out with you. All first hand stories about how great you are. You can be a little off your rocker sometimes but who isn’t. Look at them.”

Both of you smush together on your couch as you read a more recent story titled ‘Deadpool’s Number One Fan’. It talks about how the superhero jumped in the middle of the road to save a dog that had gotten off his leash. The dog named Lucky lived up to his name with no wounds . Deadpool on the other hand left the seen with an arm bent in all the wrong places.

Many stories listed share the same guidelines. He helps and leaves more broken than he started but the community never forgets.

“Shit. They make me out to be a hero or something.” His voice carries that same influence of disbelief anytime he’s complimented like any good in him needs to be denied immediately.

“That’s because you are one, genius . Do you think I’d be hanging out with someone I thought was a bad person.“ You wiggle your arm between the couch and him. It makes for an awkward half hug yet he still leans into you. “You were probably a lot of things before and maybe they weren’t so good but you can’t deny the good you’re doing now.”

Deadpool doesn’t respond immediately but he scrolls around the Reddit page for a moment before turning to you abruptly and speaking.  “I want to pledge my life to you medieval style. Oh to be your noble knight. That was such a perfect movie speech. I’m having heart palpitations. I think I’m aroused right now too.”

“Deadpool,” you say in a warning tone, still closer to him than you’ve ever been before a thought hits you, “What’s your government name so I can threaten you appropriately?”

He finally smiles. You can tell by the way his mask moves that’s it’s a smile . The white of his eyes squint at you as well, “Wade Wilson.”

“Wade Wilson, I’m serious.” You fake glare at him and pinch his side for added effect. He yelps and puts his hands up in a placating manner.

“Okay! Okay! We can leave now  if you want.” Wade says this but doesn’t stand to leave.

“How about this? We order some food and spill our guts to each other. Then a movie?”

“Only if there’s some snuggling on the table. A smidge of cuddling is all I need.”

“That can be done.” You both shake on it, “Oh and before I forget. I like you and hanging out with you too. I’m very proud to call you my friend, Wade Wilson.”

He nearly combusts.

Chapter Text

The scent of Chinese food  wafted in the air and your mouth was already drooling. Wade had practically ordered the entire menu of the restaurant and there was barely any space left on the coffee table.

You soundlessly moved around the table shoveling a little bit of everything on you plate while Wade coveted the beef chow mein. You tried to sneakily grab some until he opened his mouth to talk about tape worms and how he pulled one out of an old buddy of his.

You both ate in silence for a few moments before he dived into a storytime. “Alright , settled in for this shitshow story I have?” He begins telling the story of him and Vanessa. A lost love of his twice removed . His words are more fact based. Vanessa ,he describes her in behaviors only. She had a potty mouth, and was a sex worker he fell madly in love with. He informs you of the medical terminology of the cancer he had. Malignant tumors that spanned so many parts of his body that he deemed himself a zombie. He cracks a self depreciating joke about how he really looks like a zombie at that point but Wade doesn’t laugh.

This sobers you up more  and you prepare yourself for the worst parts.

Wade ghosts over his transformation. He only tells you that it was pure torture and that he eventually was able to get his revenge on the people involved.

He’s happier to tell you about the superhero’s he met. An outpour of his love for Spider-Man who convinced him to be good. Wade lightens up when speaking of Cable and Domino, who he screams their names like you’d imagine teenage girls used to do for Justin Bieber.

Wade takes a breath before he gets to the real heartbreaking moment. The man is quick to take blame for Vanessa’s death. His voice cracks as he tells you how he found her. You wish you could see his face so you can really truly bare witness to his experience, to see his eyes and the deep sadness that you can only see in his body and hear in his voice. Instead you set both plates aside and hold his large gloves hands in yours.

“If only I let myself die the first time.” The sentence permeates the living room and you   think of how unlucky the world would be without him.

“It wasn’t your fault.” You whispered to him and he crumbles with a shaky laugh. Wades head bows as his shoulders shake. It’s like you can see the young boy who the world let down over and over again in the space between your coffee table and couch. The mercenary persona temporarily removed and there beneath the human spirit that was so broken yet so strong.

“Did you know you’re the first person to say that to me ever?” Another watery chuckle fills the room, and you suddenly want to murder all superheroes. Maybe he’d let you be his sidekick.

“You need better friends…. Maybe that’s why the universe had us run into each other so I can beat some sense into you.” Your attempt at a joke works. His head is held high again and any sadness is hidden from you.

“I’ve heard that one before.” His fingers hold yours in a tight squeeze before he lets go. “Thank you, Sunshine.”

“Sunshine?” You raise a brow at him, “I was hoping I’d get a cooler name like Lady SlowDeath or something.”

“Um I’m pretty sure the X-men have all cool names trademarked for their army of adopted orphans.” You can’t stop the laugh that comes out and it burns your stomach a bit.

“Alright, my turn to spill my guts.” You turn around your back facing the door. Wade asks why and you easily respond, “so you can eat while I talk.” You glance at him over his shoulder once before staring at the door knob.

You wait until you hear him slurping up noodles to start.“My story isn’t as climactic. I guess I was just kinda ignored most of my life. My parents really doted on my brother… ya’know misogyny and small towns are like the staple of our country,” He doesn’t laugh at your joke this time so you continue on, “At school I didn’t have friends and I didn’t get much attention from anyone really. I’d always felt like I was made to just be ignored for so long . Good grades, bad grades, skimpy clothes, modest clothes, upset or numb. No matter how hard I tried to to stand out, i was constantly shot down so I kept my nose in books and I drew a lot. I lucked out and went to college and got into graphic design. “

You don’t hear anything from Deadpool so you continue on. The doorframe your new muse. “With graphic design, it’s your job to really get people’s interest with art and fonts. I like making people notice my art. To lure them in with it. In a weird way, it makes me feel like someone’s looking at me.”

Wade says your name softly.

“Are you decent?” You only turn once he gives an affirmative and when you do, it oddly feels like you’re seeing each other for the first time again.

Without the seeds, of course.

Chapter Text

“Author, get this show started already we are on a pretty important mission this chapter!!” Wade yells at the ceiling of the cab.

The author chooses to not respond again but instead continues nonetheless.

The mission of the day was heinously serious to Wade. So serious he hadn’t uttered a word about it to anyone yet ,because he knew it would be too much for even you to handle.

He decided to sneak you into Stark tower.

“Wade, I don’t think I can do this. I’m a lightweight and I’m already tipsy.” You look up at Wade with worry, but he only looks back with sheer determination.

“You can do this, gingersnaps. It’ll be so worth it I promise.” He boops your nose like you’d said the cutest thing ever. Not to mention that he may or may not have told you that you were gonna go to some swanky cigar lounge in Manhattan instead. “We should listen to some tunes to get the vibe going. Something powerful yet intricate … something that gets the blood rushing below the belt if you know what I mean…” Wade rubs an imaginary mustache for show and the mask furrows in contempt. His leather gloves squeak against the leather mask in a way that makes him all the more silly. Especially since you know he probably has more than a few weapons on his person.

“Abba?” You hesitantly look at him and quickly his masks shifts to a grin of pure delight.

“So can I name our firstborn child or-“

You’re quick to put on VouLez- Vous which earned you deep grunt of approval from Deadpool. It was so deep that sitting next to him made the vibration travel to you, where you quickly hid the perverted thoughts that flooded you.

This had been a new occurrence recently and you dared not entertain it at all.

“Actually I’ll let you name him. Whatever keeps the wife happy is what I say. Happy wife , happy life and all that heteronormative bullshit they spew.” He’s quick to shove the AirPod under his mask when your eyes avert away. Your fingers are all too familiar with searching up the Abba essentials playlist.

Wade rests a muscled arm behind your seat, crossing one leg over the other as he hums along. He does this so naturally that you know it’s without a second thought.

Tipsy you already felt too pulled by the melody and his body warmth. Wade always ran too hot. Now that it was getting cooler, you were inebriated enough to allow yourself to enjoy his warmth. To say that you were touch starved wouldn’t be too far off.

You could feel this barbed inklings of a crush flowing.

If you were a little more sober you would of been more panicked about this realization.

This was Wade, for Christ-sake. You weren’t supposed to have sexy thoughts about your friend. No sexy shower thoughts about the man underneath all of that red leather. That definitely never happened.  Or thoughts about all of his muscles. Him using them to pull you in a position and plunge into you.

They definitely hadn’t been happening.

Although he never really kept that same sentiment with you. Wade was definitely a flirt and a voice in the back of the mind told you to never take the jokes seriously.

You only notice somethings awry when he pulls you towards a service entrance of a big building . Lucky for Wade, you miss the huge stark insignia on the tower. You’re too busy being moved by a firm arm on your waist pushing you forward.

Wade punches in a code that Spidey happily gave him with intent to annoy Tony Stark . This code gives access to a service stairway that goes almost completely through the entire building.

You try to take a step in before Wade stops you abruptly. He pulls your hair more onto your face and ratchets your purse close to your body.

“Now youre an accomplice.” He laughs to himself, effectively spoiling his plans to you.

“ACCOMPLICE ?” You move hairs to whisper-yell at him.

He freezes like he has to reboot his system and curses himself. After he reboots, he turns to you jovially, “Did I say that?” The brows of his mask raise.

“Wade, I can’t go to jail-“ Your turn to leave before he’s blocking your steps.

“You’re not gonna go to jail. This is just a routine B and E. I do it here all the time and they never call the police. They just complain, a little banter and we are free to enjoy a hot tub.”

His response makes your nerves worse.

“Breaking and entering for a hot tub? I’m gonna be sick..” You turn away to take a deep breath .

“It’s gonna be so easy. I sneak in all of the time, plus they owe me like a trillion times over so if we get caught, then they won’t even care. They don’t like me but they put up with me because I came in clutch when there was a super planet eating Big Bad. So I’m like back up … two times removed but we’re remarried right now so I’m in. ” Wade tried to soothe again.

This plan all started when you had a decent week at work. You only got yelled at once, but you were sore all over. A client meeting in the Bronx, another in Connecticut and a final one on the upper east side. Your boss had you running around like a show pony in Texas which led you on missing an outing with Wade and being dead tired.

That weekend was supposed to be a chill night in . Wade brought over food and wine. After one seemingly endless rendition of an Beyoncé song, a bottle of wine and a meal, Wade decided it was time to put his plan into play.

Step one was to get you slightly inebriated, so you’d be more willing to break into a superhero packed tower. The food was an added touch so you wouldn’t tire out easily after the break in.

Step two was guiding you through a well planned walkthrough of Stark tower. By the time you notice something’s off with him , you’ll be in too deep and be soaking in the most state of the art jacuzzi.

If he timed this all right, you’d be in the safe zone and avoid cramping while swimming.

“I promise step one isn’t that creepy sounding . Step one is like a little oil to the gear so we can get this clock ticking!” Wade  mumbles over his shoulder. You’ve already accepted that Wade talks to god-knows-who and too busy trying to get out of breaking into the pentagon level building. He turns his attention back to you.

“I don’t want to do anything illegal.” Your feet plant on the ground ready and cross your arms.

“Nothing illegal is happening. They just don’t like my presence and they gave me codes but I beat up a snooty SHIELD  agent once and they changed my codes without telling me….. I just wanted to show you the view from the finest palace this side of the Mississippi. Only second to my place of course. “ He sees you not even bat an eye and continues, “ I literally have a room here ... B-T dubs, Tony is kinda cheap-o for our housing as supers versus his whole penthouse set up.”

Your wavering is viewable once you hear of his room. Wade continues on putting the mail in the coffin, “I won’t even make you crawl through any vents. Just walking. I promise! Scout’s honor.”

You adjust your shirt, feigning distrust.

“No vents Wade.” You used your sternest voice to him and you swore he was cheesing under the mask.

Wade moved his vent plan to plan z. If all else failed and both of you were facing civil penalties then he knew he probably could get you in a vent but he wanted to remain true to his word. Well as long as he could.

“I gotcha. Nothing’s gonna happen to you as long as I’m around.” You can feel him glimmering through his mask and a deeper part of you knew you would be safe with Wade.

He quickly places a gloved hand on your waist and ushers you into a plain hallway. The hall is barely long enough for you both to walk side by side. The pressure of his warmth made you want to squirm a bit.

You get upset with your brain. Your brain throws the insanity of the crime you’re willing to commit to the background . Front and center is a surprisingly pleasant feeling. Your unloyal brain is soothed by how he’s leading you. It’s with such an assured pressure. He doesn’t rush, but wordlessly guides you deeper into the building.

In one smooth motion, he ushers you to a door. Wade hits the key card scanner casually like he’d done many times before. Little did he know he was building himself a pedestal in you head.

A light clicks on as you  enter and you see rows and rows of supplies.  You try to distract yourself with how organized it all was. Floor to ceiling shelves lined the walls. A small desk sat in the room . A few personal belongings neatly arranged. The desk belonged to someone and you wonder how they can handle the slight chemical smell the room has. The owner’s corgi knickknack shines next to a family photo. You pick it up and lean against the desk in mock interest.

‘To Phillipe’ is engraved on the bottom.

In front of you, Wade swiftly  moved to a row of shelves and plucks a fabric material out. He shakes it unfolded, and turns sharply to you again. In only two long steps, he’s in front of you on one knee, fabric in hand.

While he argued with yellow and white in his head, he tried to suit you up in coveralls the maintenance crew wore.  He bends down to the ground holding them open for your legs. Your brain is half melted at first and you freeze.

All Wade sees is a delay so he playfully taps one hand above your knee to get you to move. “C’mon, Sunshine. We got hot tubs to pillage.”

You body agrees with you and you accept the help. The corgi presses against the palm of your hand on accident as you rest your weight on the desk a bit more. His knuckles rub your sides from the knees up. After your waist, they disappear as guides your arms into the short sleeve.  The coverall was hickory striped and the Stark logo laid close to your shoulder. Wade plopped a hat on your head before putting on a matching set.

“The super computer thing here has  a program that ignores the maintenance uniform from it’s automatic threat reading from the camera any floor higher than this. Tony designed an easy hole in the wall under his own nose. He’s lucky that I’m a hero now because this could be used pretty badly if into the wrong hands.” He ticks his  collar up like a greaser before placing his hand on your back again and leading you out.

It didn’t take much to figure out what was making him irresistible that day. There were many stories about what he’d done but there was a difference in seeing it in action. Now you could understand a part of Wade you didn’t see on previous outings.

It was his confidence and his intelligence.  Like a cloak of security, a deadly precision fizzles from him. It’s like the goofball act was put to the side and he graciously gave you a tour of the Stark tower.