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They spar again. It keeps happening. They tumble together on the floor of the swordmaker's house, until Mizu pins Taigen to the floor, a blade at his throat.
Taigen has never been scared off by this. He's only been turned on. Mizu can tell every time. But Taigen has never known that Mizu is really a woman. Perhaps he too would think she's a monster, if he knew the truth. Would think these actions disgusting coming from a woman, and not exciting.
Mizu can see the lust in Taigen's eyes. But he can see something else too. Something he sees when they're just talking over dinner or arguing while chopping wood. A sort of affection and fondness. They've spent months together now under the premise of healing up.
Mizu was worried that the sword maker would get sick of all of them hanging around, but he's caught enough hidden smiles to know they haven't worn out their welcome yet. A bit of company is still desired for right now.
And Taigen is flourishing as well. Truly enjoying the time spent with everyone. Mizu feels the same, when he's being honest with himself. He feels the way he felt back on the horse ranch. And it feels painful.
Mizu catches himself worrying at secrets that have the potential to tear everything apart again. To ruin this fragile state. He can't lie to Taigen forever and still keep him in his life. Taigen will want more. He'll get it here or he'll leave. Maybe Mizu should just let him go. There's no way he would be satisfied with what Mizu is. To compromise for the life Mizu wants, when he could still have a wife and a lordship.
But Mizu has never been a coward when faced with something he wants. He's spent time trying to figure out how to explain it. How to phrase it so that Taigen doesn't get the wrong idea. He hopes he can make himself understood, regardless of Taigen's answer.
Taigen has some fire in his eyes tonight. The swordmaker and Ringo are out collecting iron, so the house is theirs alone for a few hours more. Mizu's hard-won intuition shines in predicting others' actions and he can tell that Taigen is going to make a move tonight.
Mizu's blade nips into Taigen's neck, only making the pinned man grin wider. He briefly lifts his eyebrows and Mizu pulls back on the sword. Taigen shifts and Mizu lets Taigen lean up to kiss him. It feels like hot steel and something long-forgotten licking at Mizu's heart.
But then Mizu backs away. He shifts off and lets Taigen sit up.
"Okay. This is about to get stupidly complicated."
Taigen nods, waiting to hear what's coming. He's unsurprised—nothing with this man could be simple.
"It's okay with you to be with a man?"
"Of course. We all have needs."
"I don't... I don't have any desire for something frivolous. Could you love a man? Commit yourself to one?"
"You're asking me to never marry?"
"I don't... I'm sure that sounds awful to you. I don't know."
"I thought I would marry Akemi. She's married to another now, so... I don't know. Life is harder for an unmarried man. For two unmarried men. Advancement becomes stifled."
"I've never cared about any of that. We'd have no trouble supporting ourselves. Keeping the worst of the rumors at bay. I've lived my whole life in the shadows, I'm used to it. But you're not. You always wanted more. So much more than a simple fisherman's village. I was happy training horses once. You told me you offered a simple life to Akemi. Would you still be happy in one with me?"
Taigen doesn't answer right away. Mizu is pleased to see him taking the question seriously.
"I don't know if I can see the future, but if it's okay that I don't know, I'd like to try?"
Mizu fights back a small smile on his lips.
"Now's where it gets complicated."
Taigen looks confused. There's more?
"You could love a man? Be with one, live with one, spend your life with one?"
"I think so."
Mizu slowly opens his kimono, revealing the bandage he always keeps tightly tied, and then he opens that too. Taigen's mouth falls wide but he closes it quickly. Mizu pauses before standing up. He holds his obi in his fists before opening it all the way and letting his kimono fall open. Taigen's mouth opens again. His eyes are wide and he reaches up one hand before pulling it back.
"Sorry."
"Can you love me as a man?"
"But you're not." Taigen sounds confused.
"But did you think you could love Mizu when you thought I was a man?"
"I was coming around to the idea, obviously. It wouldn't be the first time I'd spent an evening with a man. But if you're a woman, we could be together for real! We could be married!"
"I don't want you to love me as a woman." Mizu takes a deep breath and slows down his speech. "I don't want the world to know me as a wife."
"But..."
"I don't know how to explain this. I don't really even know fully what I'm asking for, but that's not what I want. I don't want to live as a woman. I tried that and I like this life better. Even if it's harder. I don't want to be with someone who thinks of me as a woman."
"You want me to think of you as a man, even though you're not?"
"I want you to understand that I'm not a woman. Not anymore. Not ever really." Mizu closes up his kimono.
"I think I understand," says Taigen unsteadily.
Mizu quirks an eyebrow skeptically.
"It's okay. You don't have to have an answer right away. You have all the information now, you can make your own decision." He turns away to tie his obi back up. "I understand either way. It's not what you were expecting. It's a lot to ask."
"No, don't. Don't do that." Taigen gets to his feet. "You're not like everyone else—I know that. That's why you're amazing. Don't let yourself feel bad for wanting what you want. For being who you are. It's what got you this far. Made you so enrapturing." He puts one hand gently on Mizu's shoulder. Mizu turns his head to the hand and then shifts to look at Taigen. "Your ability to be uncompromising is one of the things that I respect most about you."
Mizu places one hand atop Taigen's. He grasps it and lifts it to his face, kissing it.
"I like your stubbornness too."
"I also like your eloquent way with words," Taigen jokes as Mizu turns to face him fully.
"I know it makes things difficult but I don't want to be desired for the parts of me that are female. Whatever's going on in your head is your business, but I feel uncomfortable when I can tell someone thinks of me as a woman. I just want to be with someone who makes me feel seen for how I feel."
"I see you as Mizu. The strongest swordsman in Japan. What's under your kimono doesn't change that. I don't know if I understand exactly what you want from me, but I'll listen to you when you tell me something doesn't feel right." The next sentence is pushed out in a rush, "Can we still have sex though?" Taigen immediately backtracks, "I don't mean right now, tonight. I just mean, in general, is that something you want? I want to understand."
Mizu chuckles. "I don't hate my body, and I like yours. I've had good experiences in the past. I would love to share a bed with you. And I would love to find a way where we both feel satisfied."
"Okay, okay." Taigen looks pleased that he hasn't offended the other man.
"This is one of those things where, again, you don't have to worry I'm going to be offended like a woman at the mention of sex. You can still talk to me as if I were any other man you were thinking of sharing a bed with. Or a life with."
"Mizu, I don't think any other man could compare to you. Or any woman for that matter. But I get your point, don't treat you any differently. Don't let this knowledge change how I act around you."
Mizu wraps his arms around Taigen loosely, resting his head on his shoulder. Taigen hugs him back.
"Uh, I do apologize in advance if I end up acting like an asshole teenager while I try to get the balance right."
Mizu laughs and pulls away. "I'm sorry, when did you ever not act like that?"
"Sooo," Taigen draws out the word playfully, "you like my body, hey?"
Mizu rolls his eyes and goes to make some tea.
They talk more, discussing their pasts and their relationships over tea. Mizu tells him that Ringo knows and that the swordmaker has never wanted to talk about it. Those two come back much later than expected, and they make a great deal of noise upon their arrival, so Mizu thinks they must have known the tension was going to break tonight. He speaks and laughs louder to let them know it's a good time to enter. That they're not coming home to a fight—or a fuck. Taigen catches on quickly and does the same.
Ringo comes in blathering and eyeing the two of them like they might explode.
"So, good conversation this evening?"
"Yes, Ringo, we finally talked. About everything. So you don't have to ask five hundred oblique questions."
Ringo waits impatiently for more, his eyes darting between the two of them, but Mizu and Taigen just drink their tea silently.
"And?"
Mizu looks to Taigen for his answer.
"And I'm staying," he says. He looks at the swordmaker in concern, "I mean, I want to stay with Mizu, if it's still okay to stay here?"
"Yes, yes. I'm not sick of you lot yet. I'm sure you'll be getting antsy for someplace else soon enough." He sits down and Mizu pours him a cup of tea. "By the way, I overheard someone in the market talking about some new foals they need to sell last week. Probably lame things, but who knows, they might be going for a good price. We'd have to put a stable together."
Mizu meets Taigen's eyes and they share a look.