Work Text:
So I'm sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry that I can't believe
That anybody ever really
Starts to fall in love with me
Sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry I could be so blind
Didn't mean to leave you
And all of the things that we had behind
Sorry - Halsey
Sebastian Smythe could not understand Blaine Anderson.
He’d had many many fuck buddies over the course of his sexually active life. But, on the rare occasion they didn’t leave immediately after the deed was done, they would leave within a few hours. Maybe they’d have dinner, or watch a movie together.
But Blaine. Blaine would just invite himself over to Sebastian’s apartment. He’d teasingly asked for a key so he could surprise Sebastian sometimes, and Sebastian had just shrugged and given it to him. But he had been under the assumption that the surprises would usually involve finding Blaine in various states of undress. Not with an apron on while something that smelled absolutely delicious simmered on the stovetop.
Sebastian had just leaned against the door the first time it had happened and watched. He was too perplexed to say anything until Blaine finally noticed him with a small jump.
“Jesus, Bas,” he said with a hand pressed to his heart.
That was something else Blaine did that was weird. The closest he’d ever gotten to a nickname from someone else was Daddy . But Blaine rarely said his full name. The familiarity both warmed and terrified him.
“Shouldn’t you be wearing a maid outfit or something?” Sebastian asked with a frown.
Blaine rolled his eyes. “Hardy har,” he said, “can you pull down some bowls? The soup is almost done and the bread came out of the oven ten minutes ago.”
“You made bread?” Sebastian asked, but he did move to do as Blaine had requested.
“Yeah, you said you had a big meeting that was gonna keep you late tonight and I figured you could use some real food afterwards and not Chinese takeout for…” Blaine opened the fridge and examined the boxes he found there, “the third,” his voice lilted up in a question, “time this week.”
Sebastian huffed. “I eat just fine, thank you.” He hoped Blaine couldn’t hear the waver in his voice as he spoke. He’d forgotten he even told Blaine about the meeting.
Sebastian had taken Blaine to bed as soon as dinner was done to thank him for the meal.
—
That was the first time but not the last time that Sebastian came home to find Blaine acting very domestic in his apartment. So often he would do the dishes, or tidy the living room, he even did Sebastian’s laundry once. He always said he knew how difficult Sebastian found it to clean when he spent so much time at the office. And he was always cooking. Sebastian’s fridge was constantly filled with leftovers from Blaine’s meals and it had been a very long time since he’d had to order delivery.
And even when he wasn’t doing things for Sebastian he’d just hang out. He had a guitar cthat now lived at Sebastian’s apartment that Sebastian regularly found him gently strumming and singing softly to himself. One Saturday after Blaine had spent the night Sebastian woke to find him lounging in the reading chair Sebastian kept in the corner with a book and a cup of coffee. Like that was a perfectly normal place for him to exist.
And then things got weirder. Blaine started refusing sex. Not always, but on occasion. Sebastian would start his usual tactics to make Blaine fall apart under his hands, but Blaine would stop him.
“I’m not in the mood tonight,” he said, shrugging away from Sebastian’s mouth on his neck. Sebastian had frozen, his pulse skyrocketing. He looked for any sign that Blaine was upset or angry, but he just smiled softly and guided Sebastian’s head to lay on his chest.
He’d still spent the night and Sebastian laid awake wondering what he’d done wrong.
Whatever it was Blaine seemed to forgive him quickly because the next time he was over he was the one to guide Sebastian to the bedroom. Sebastian let him take the lead in a way he never did. Let Blaine ride him even though the feeling of being pinned to the bed normally made him anxious. But Blaine was so careful and gentle and certainly seemed to enjoy getting to explore Sebastian’s body however he liked.
The fifth time it happened Sebastian was no closer to figuring out what upset Blaine than he had been the first time. He never looked upset.
—
It had been two weeks since he and Blaine had had sex when his brain started making bad decisions. They’d still seen each other frequently, but Blaine always shrugged Sebastian’s advances off and he’d started to wonder why Blaine was even coming over.
So he went looking elsewhere for sex. He didn’t really want to. But he was positive Blaine was going to put an end to their relationship soon enough and he wanted to be prepared. So he went to a club and he found a man who looked nothing like Blaine and took him home.
He should have known Blaine would be there. He was there most nights. But when he pushed the man (whose name he had already forgotten) through his door and up against the wall in his entryway, he didn’t expect to hear the clatter and shatter of plates being dropped.
He pulled away and saw Blaine standing in the doorway to the kitchen with wide eyes and ceramic shards at his feet.
“I–I’m sorry,” he said, his hands hanging uselessly in the air in front of him, “I didn’t–I didn’t realize you would…” Blaine closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ll just clean this up and let you two get back to what you were doing.”
“Blaine–” Sebastian started but he just held up a hand to stop him.
“It’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting it. Um… there’s a lasagna in the oven. The timer is set, you can pull it out when it’s done and… well have some good fuel for the night's activities. Sorry for interrupting.”
Sebastian wanted to stop him, but he didn’t know how, so instead he just watched him clean up the broken plates and then leave. Sebastian stared at the door for a long moment after he left. He didn’t even try to stop his prospective conquest from leaving too.
He sank heavily to the floor. He felt the bite of a shard of glass that Blaine had missed in his hurry embedding itself in his palm. He ignored it.
—
Sebastian didn’t see Blaine for almost a month after that. They’d never really texted each other, Blaine just invited himself over whenever he wanted to see Sebastian and Sebastian just rolled with it. So when Blaine stopped just appearing in his house he presumed they were over.
He tried to tell himself he was okay with it. It had been a fun fling. They all were. But it wasn’t like it would have lasted, especially after Blaine seemed to lose interest in sex. So he went about his life like he had before, spending all hours of the day and night in his office, ordering takeout every night, and heading out on the weekends to find someone who wanted to fuck him. Someone who understood his worth.
Except his fucking guitar was still sitting in Sebastian’s living room. Everytime he walked in and saw it he was reminded of the many hours he’d sat on the couch reading while Blaine scribbled in his notebook and plucked at the strings. How often he’d wished Blaine would forget the notebook the way he forgot the guitar. Give him a little peek inside his head.
He put it in the closet eventually.
And if he took it out and fiddled with it late at night when he was drunk and lonely, noone needed to know.
—
Sebastian was doing a very good job of convincing himself that he was over Blaine until he woke up to a voicemail from him.
“Bas,” he whined into the phone, “Bas, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. I’m so sorry,” the words slurred together. “I miss you, Bas, I miss you so much.”
Sebastian sucked in a sharp breath. For as long as they’d been together, Sebastian had never seen Blaine drunk. He tapped out after one glass of wine, always remaining perfectly composed and in control of himself. Sebastian had always wondered what he’d look like drunk. If he’d take on that same reckless abandon he did in bed. If he’d let Sebastian see the truest version of himself. If he could trust Sebastian with that.
“And I… I understand if I made things weird. I get it if you don’t want to see me anymore. But I really care about you, Bas.”
“Who are you calling?” Sebastian heard someone in the background asking.
“It’s just Bas,” Blaine said, almost petulantly.
“Oh my god,” the second person seemed to be trying to wrestle the phone from Blaine’s grip. Sebastian didn’t recognize the voice. They never talked about their other friends, and Sebastian had quietly believed it was because Blaine was as lonely and friendless as he was.
“I just wanted to tell him–” Blaine was desperate, his voice muffled as he fought for the phone.
“Blaine, no,” the voice was firm, but kind.
“I just want him to know–”
“If he cared, he would have called you by now, we’ve gone over this, Blaine.”
The voicemail cut off.
—
Sebastian was a wreck. He called out sick from work, spent days pacing his apartment with his phone in his hands. He thought endlessly about what to say to Blaine if he called again. He propped the guitar up on the couch and rehearsed his speech over and over again. But Blaine never called.
On day four he called the closest thing he had to a friend.
“Jesus, it’s been a long time since I heard from you, Smythe.”
“Nick,” Sebastian breathed, “I need your help.”
“Woah woah woah, I’m not that kind of lawyer.”
“I’m not in legal trouble,” Sebastian huffed, “I’m in… emotional trouble and I don’t know who else to call.”
Nick paused and then Sebastian heard the muffled sound of Nick informing his assistant to cancel his lunch meeting. “Okay,” he said, “tell me everything.”
And Sebastian did. He pulled out a bottle of wine from the fridge, uncorked it, sat on his floor, and told Nick all about Blaine.
“Bro definitely thought you were dating,” Nick said when he was done.
“No he didn’t,” Sebastian assured.
“Bassy, Bassy, Bassy, your head is so far up your ass, do you even know what an actual relationship looks like?”
“Of course I do!” he exclaimed.
“Obviously not, because an actual relationship looks like cooking dinner, watching movies, reading in bed, and not having sex every time you see each other. As far as Blaine saw it, you two were in a relationship, and you cheated on him.”
Sebastian took another large swig. He was on his second bottle. “But… what do I have to offer him?”
He could hear Nick laughing on the other end. “Fuck if I know,” he said, “but clearly a lot if he was that invested in you.”
Sebastian’s head fell back against the wall. “I don’t… I’m not the kind of person people fall in love with, Nick. I’m the person they fuck until they’re ready for a relationship. And I’m okay with that. So if Blaine doesn’t want to fuck me–” he broke off with a shuddering gasp, “how long until he realizes that’s all I’m good for?”
They hung up soon after that. And Sebastian stared at the phone in his hand, willing for something to come from Blaine, something to give him the courage.
Nothing came.
Sebastian finished the second bottle of wine.
And went to bed.
—
He woke up with a pounding head. He cringed and placed his pillow over his face to hide from the bright sunlight filtering through his window. He frowned and pulled the pillow away from his face. He blinked at the window, blackout curtains pulled to the side and neatly tied into place.
He never opened his curtains. He didn’t see the need for sunlight in his bedroom, since he spent so little time in it. But… Blaine liked the curtains drawn. He liked to sit by the window and watch over the cityscape below them. He liked to be greeted by the sun in the morning, gently pulling him from sleep.
Sebastian scrambled out of bed and stumbled towards the kitchen. His heart was in his throat as he turned the corner, already calling out for him.
But he wasn’t there.
Sitting on the table was a note, a bottle of aspirin, and a bag labeled hangover cure tea . The note simply said:
Sebastian,
There’s soup in the fridge. The tea should steep for ten minutes.
Blaine
—
He tore his apartment apart later, desperately searching for Blaine’s guitar.
—
Sebastian floated through life. He existed. He went to work, he went home, he went to work, he went home. Even going to the club felt very robotic. A habit more than a desire. It still worked most nights, his charm didn’t seem to falter even if he was sure he must look dead behind his eyes.
So when he sidled up to a tall blonde with a model’s physique and a mouth he thought could devour him, he didn’t expect for his eyes to narrow as he looked him up and down.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
Sebastian frowned but said, “It can be whatever you want it to be.”
He looked unimpressed.
Sebastian sighed. “Sebastian,” he told him.
“Sam,” the man said, watching Sebastian carefully like he was expecting him to react to that name somehow.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian started, “have we met?”
“Luckily for you, no,” Sam said, his gaze hard.
Sebastian pressed his lips into a line. “Well then, I guess I will leave you be,” Sebastian went to turn but Sam suddenly grabbed his shoulder to stop him. “What the fuck, man?” Sebastian grunted as he stumbled forward.
He yanked away from him.
Turned and…
“Oh,” Sebastian said.
Blaine was standing behind him and he suddenly understood why Sam appeared to know exactly who he was and hated him. And why he’d tried to stop him.
Blaine’s eyes were wide with panic, his mouth gently open.
Just like the last time he’d seen him, Sebastian didn’t know what to say.
Just like the last time he’d seen him, Blaine turned heel and ran before Sebastian had a chance to figure it out.
Unlike the last time he’d seen him, Sebastian took off after him immediately.
He managed to snag his elbow just as he exited the club, grateful for the four inches he had on Blaine that was all in his legs. “Blaine, wait, please ,” he pleaded.
Blaine paused in his steps, breathing heavily. He didn’t turn back to Sebastian but he also didn’t yank his arm out of Sebastian’s grip. There were people milling about in the parking lot, some of them watching Sebastian and Blaine curiously. Blaine turned slowly, his face tight.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” Sebastian said, “I’m so, so sorry, Blaine.”
Blaine squinted at him. “For what?” he asked.
Sebastian blinked. “What?”
“ What are you sorry for, Sebastian?”
Sebastian flinched. It’d been so long since he’d heard Blaine say his full name. It sounded wrong coming out of his mouth. It felt like a chasm opening between them growing larger with every letter. “I-I don’t know,” Sebastian said, “I… I guess for hurting you. For not calling.”
Blaine sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. “You did call,” he said.
Sebastian hung his head in shame. “I-I know. And I’m sorry for that too. I didn’t… I can’t even remember if you actually picked up.”
“I didn’t,” Blaine said, “the first four times. I let it ring and ring and ring and I watched you leave voicemail after voicemail. And Sam was out with his girlfriend so he wasn’t there to stop me from caving and finally picking up. And do you know what you said to me?”
Sebastian shook his head, tears pooling in his eyes.
“You told me you were sorry. You told me you were sorry for letting me fall in love with you. For tricking me in–” Blaine bit back a sob, “for tricking me into believing you were someone worth loving.”
Sebastian dropped Blaine’s arm. He hugged himself tightly and looked away, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall. “I’m sorry,” he said, flexing his jaw, “I’m sorry I dropped that on you. I’m sorry for… for being a coward. I’m sorry for running… for letting you run. I’m sorry I’m an idiot. I’m sorry I got scared and thought you were pushing me away so I pushed back. I’m just, I’m so sorry, Blaine. And I miss you so much.”
Blaine took a deep breath. He looked behind Sebastian, stared intently for a minute before finally nodding. “My place is around the corner,” he said, and then he turned.
Sebastian followed, drifting after him like there was string tying them together.
—
Blaine’s apartment was small. A two bedroom with a living room barely big enough for a couch, let alone the upright piano Blaine had somehow squeezed into the space. It was tidy but filled to the brim with things. Artwork on the walls, action figures, books, video games. The top of the piano held boxes upon boxes of notebooks and sheet music.
Sebastian looked around in awe.
In all the months they’d been together, Blaine had never once invited him over. It made sense logically. Sebastian lived alone in an apartment far too big for just himself that he’d inherited from his estranged aunt because he was the only member of the Smythe family she tolerated. Sebastian had let someone else decorate the place, not really caring what it looked like as long as it would be easy to keep clean.
Blaine’s place did not look easy to keep clean. It looked lived in and chaotic. And Sebastian loved every inch of it.
Blaine stood in the center of the living room with his hands shoved in his pockets, rocking on his heels as he eyed Sebastian warily.
Sebastian’s eyes finally fell on a pile of instruments stacked neatly in the corner. A violin, a flute, even a cello. But sitting at the front was the guitar. Sebastian walked over and picked it up before he could think better of it. He ran his fingers over the frets with a soft smile, strumming the strings gently.
“I didn’t think you played,” Blaine said, his head cocked gently to the side.
“I don’t,” Sebastian said, “I just got used to having this around. It kept me company when I was missing you,” he lifted his eyes to meet Blaine’s, giving him a sheepish smile. “I might have lost my mind a little ater you took it.”
Blaine bit his lip. “I didn’t realize it meant that much to you.”
Sebastian frowned and put the guitar aside. He approached Blaine cautiously, lifting his hands to cup his face. Blaine sucked in a breath but didn’t pull away as Sebastian gently lifted his chin and pressed their foreheads together.
“ You mean that much to me,” he whispered against Blaine’s lips.
“The why did you bring someone else home?” Blaine asked, his chin wobbling. He pushed Sebastian away gently. “I know we hadn’t discussed us, what we were doing, what it meant. But if you felt that way why did you need to go find someone else?”
“Because I thought I was losing you,” Sebastian said softly, “I thought you were losing interest, getting bored. I wanted to prepare for the worst.”
Blaine’s brow furrowed deeper.
Sebastian took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Can we sit?” he asked softly, gesturing to the couch. Blaine shrugged but followed Sebastian’s lead. Sebastian held out a hand and Blaine stared at it for a long moment before taking it. Sebastian held tightly with both hands and closed his eyes.
“My whole life people have only wanted one thing from me, and whether I gave it to them or simply played the game like I might, they were entertained. And that’s what I was. Entertainment.
“And suddenly, you didn’t seem interested in the performance. And if you didn’t want that, I couldn’t see another reason for you to stick around. So I panicked, and I found someone who… wanted to see the show. Because that felt safer.”
“Does sex mean that much to you?” Blaine asked, eyes bright.
Sebastian laughed wetly. “I don’t know, honestly. That’s a level of introspection I’ve never felt comfortable with before.”
Blaine cocked his head to the side curiously. “Do you enjoy sex?”
“I mean, it feels nice. I’m good at it.”
“But do you enjoy it?”
“Yeah!” Sebastian said a little more loudly than he meant to. “Of course I do…” he trailed off hesitantly.
“What do you enjoy about it?” Blaine pressed.
“I…” Sebastian floundered. He searched Blaine’s face in confusion, not sure what he was asking.
Blaine lifted his free hand to cup Sebastian’s cheek and looked deeply into his eyes. “Maybe… try thinking about what you like about sex with me? Is that easier?”
Sebastian blinked. “I like being close to you,” he said softly, “I like having a reason to get lost in your eyes. I like being able to make you let go, open up to me, receive instead of give. I like the way you hold me.”
Blaine smiled softly. “And if you got all of that? Hours spent in my arms, taking care of me, holding my gaze. Would you still want to have sex?”
Sebastian’s eyes darted to the ceiling, his heart pounding in his chest. “I don’t know,” he said. “I think so. I… I think I like the intimacy of it. The freedom.”
“Without the performance?”
“Yeah,” Sebastian said, “when I don’t have to play anymore. I can just be . I like that part.”
“I like that part too,” Blaine said, “would you like to learn how to just be all the time?”
Sebastian laughed. “Is that even possible?”
Blaine shrugged. “I don’t know, but maybe we can figure out how.”
“Together?” Sebastian asked.
Blaine grinned. “Together.”