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Cold air hit his face as he stepped outside of Church. He'd been spending more time than usual there, trying to make sense of things. His parents and youth group leaders kept telling him it was a sin to have these kinds of thoughts, so whenever he was having them, he went to Church and prayed for forgiveness. But lately, he'd been thinking. If God really didn't want him to like boys, why hadn't He intervened? Why had He given Alex these thoughts, then? Why was He never around?
His parents would have told him, God was always around. If He was a good God, why did He make Alex suffer, then?
Either God wasn't as good as everyone made Him out to be or He simply didn't exist. Alex wanted to be a scientist and from what he had learned, the scientific method and God didn't go well together.
Of course, that was the case because God had created everything, even the scientific method, so He could probably evade it.
Alex made his way back home. He still had some homework to do, and then Luke had asked him to keep working on the logo for their band. Luke…
Alex somehow found himself thinking again about Luke. Wondering what it would be like to hold his hand. Of course, they had held hands before, but not like that. He was thinking about what Luke's hand would feel like in his with the knowledge that it belonged there. If Luke would kiss his knuckles. Alex blushed and tried to get rid of the thoughts before they escalated again. Luke's amber eyes kept playing on his mind, though, looking at him through his lashes. Grinning at him. It calmed Alex down so much whenever Luke smiled at him.
The logo was coming along well. They'd agreed, they just wanted their band name in a cool font, no picture or anything. He'd been experimenting with the layout. The two words in one line or with a line break? Reggie had helped him come up with the font they were going for and he was the one that was going to be doing the actual final drawing but Alex was the one designing it.
His thoughts kept escaping and he'd have to herd them back in. Luke was on his mind again, there was no denying it. He sighed. It was fine. He could just think about Luke, but in a friend way, right? Luke's hair that he'd cut into a mohawk recently and always insisted Alex touch the little spiky hairs on the shaved sides of his head. Luke chewing on his guitar picks the way Alex chewed on pens. The stars in his eyes when Alex brought in an idea for a song.
Fuck.
Alex didn't swear a lot but it was appropriate here. Besides, his parents didn't even hear.
There was no way he could ignore these thoughts. God be damned. Yeah, he said it. Thought it. Anyway. He was going to do something about it. He was going to tell Luke. Maybe getting rejected would help him forget.
He was going to tell Luke in school the next day. All through maths, he couldn't focus. He was doodling Luke during art. In science class, his teacher asked him why he wasn't paying attention. He normally loved science, but Luke was sitting right next to him and that was a lot to handle for his poor little heart.
Throughout his English lesson, he was thinking of how to tell Luke. “I like you” sounded too vague. “I like like you” was too childish. “I can't stop thinking about you.”? Maybe. At least that was true.
“Alex, are you alright? Do you need to go to the school nurse?”
His head shot up. “What? No. Why?”
His teacher looked at him weird. “I thought you were looking a little ill. Okay, then. Focus up, please.”
He nodded. His insides were turning again, like they always did when he'd done something wrong, and he just hoped he'd become invisible enough for her not to call on him anymore.
Finally, the school day was over and Alex pulled Luke aside, telling Reggie and Bobby not to wait up. They hugged him goodbye and continued their conversation about which animal - given the chance to become radioactive and bite a person - would make the coolest superhero.
They walked away from school a little until they found a spot that was a little secluded. With every step, Alex’ legs got heavier, the knowledge of what he was about to do weighing him down. His heart was racing.
He took his cross necklace between his fingers, the cool metal working some ways to ease his nerves.
Luke was tilting his head at him. “What's up?”
Then, he took a closer look at him. Alex felt very observed but it was Luke so he didn't mind. But he did mind because he was about to tell Luke something earth-shatteringly important. He was going to confess his sin. But it was Luke, the boy he'd known since he was three years old. The boy that had trusted Alex enough to tell him that he was a boy, back when he figured it out at six. It was Luke, his best friend.
What would he say? What would he do? Oh God. Would he avoid him after this? Would he be awkward about it? Would he condemn him?
Alex didn't think so but he could never be sure. God was enough of a dick to curse him with sinful thoughts, as a test probably, Alex found it very likely that He'd sit back and grin at Luke's reaction, doing nothing to improve the situation.
“Um.”
Wow, Alex, so eloquent. He was shaking. He felt the heat rising in his face. He must be blushing hard by now. Curse him.
“I wanted to tell you something.”
“Go ahead.” Luke's eyes went wide and puppy and he stepped closer to him, taking Alex’ hand.
Did he have to do that? Now all Alex could think about was Luke's hand holding his, the contact point between them, the steadiness of Luke's hand, the warmth.
He blinked a few times and clenched his other hand into a fist to stop it from shaking.
“Uh. So. I mean.” You can do this.
And then, his mouth betrayed him.
“I'm gay.”
His eyes widened. He had not planned on saying that. It was true, though. He'd figured it out at 13 and hoped it would never come up. As long as he didn't do anything, he was okay. But it was a sin, right?
His hands started sweating. His heart was beating out of his chest. He tried breathing but couldn't. Had he forgotten how to breathe? He was blinking fast now, the world starting to spin. Luke's grip on his hand tightened and then Luke was everywhere. Alex was dragged back into reality by the hug. Oh. Luke was hugging him. Was it possible to get even pinker than before? If it was, that was Alex right now. Luke was holding him. He was probably holding him upright right now, Alex’ legs were jelly. He was glad Luke was strong enough to hold him. Oh God. Luke was so strong.
Luke held him until he could stand again and then pulled away.
“Thanks for telling me. Very cool! Why do you look like you're about to cry?”
Was he? Alex blinked a few times. There had been tears in his eyes.
Okay. Time for the hard part.
“Because-” His voice was too loud.
“Because-” He started again. Was it too quiet? Better too quiet than too loud.
Luke looked at him expectantly.
“-I like you.” No. He'd already gone over this. I like you was too vague.
“I mean, I like like you.” Why did he keep messing up?
“I can't stop thinking about you. You're on my mind constantly and I want to kiss you and-” Where was he going with this?
His voice quietened even more, barely above a whisper at this point. “-please don't stop being my friend.”
Luke's eyes went wide. “Why would I stop being friends with you? I like you too.”
What.
“Luke, no. I mean. Fuck. I mean I have feelings for you. Romantically.”
“Ohhhhh.” Alex could practically hear the five Hs at the end of the word. Now, prepare for rejection. Then leave. Go home. Cry. Pretend to be a person until Luke could stand being friends with him again.
Luke was quiet for a while. Alex could see the cogwheels spinning in his brain. After what felt like a few minutes, Alex started to shift his weight from one leg to the other. Why did he take so long to say anything? Just get it over with. I don't like you that way. That was just six words. Or maybe I don't like you back. Only five. Or just No. would do if Luke really didn't want to talk to him. Alex wanted to pace. He paced when he was nervous. It helped with the anxiety. He felt like curling up into a ball of misery and being swallowed up by the earth.
After another few minutes, Alex was done. Luke wasn't gonna say anything. He was just going to stay quiet and ignore Alex. He pulled his hand out of Luke's and started to leave. It was fine. He'd be fine. Eventually.
Luke started toward him. Alex felt his sleeve be grabbed and looked at Luke. He looked up at him with wide eyes and he was chewing on his lip.
“Can I hug you?”
Huh? Alex was confused. Why would Luke want to hug him now? Pity?
On the other hand, he'd really really like Luke to hug him.
So, he found himself nodding.
Luke's hug was soft this time, careful. Alex felt like melting apart, melting into Luke, into the last hug he was going to get from him in a while.
When Luke pulled away, Alex was jittery. Luke looked at him intensely.
“I like you too, Alex.”
Wh- Huh? What. Luke put so much emphasis on it, he couldn't have just meant I like you as a friend. But why would he have said this?
Luke was straight. Right? He had to be. He'd never shown an interest in boys. But then, neither had Alex. On the outside, at least. But Luke couldn't be gay-
Luke burst out laughing and Alex didn't know why.
“Your face- I'm sorry- You looked so concerned. Yeah, surprise.” Luke did a little pa-dah gesture. “I like boys, too. I also like girls, don't get me wrong, but boys. You know what I mean. I think you can like both. And yeah. I like you, too.”
“Oh. So can we kiss, then?”
What, from the bottom of his heart, the absolute fuck. Alex was aghast at his own words. He was still processing Luke saying he liked Alex back and now he'd asked him to kiss him?
Luke was looking aghast, too, for a second. He was blushing. Luke was actually blushing. Luke never blushed, not physically. His face got hot and he got bashful but he didn't blush noticeably. Except for now.
Alex knew that when Reggie blushed, his cheeks got splotchy with red. He knew that he himself flushed pink. Bobby didn't blush at all.
Luke, Alex was delighted to find out, blushed high on his face, in a very subtle orange-reddish hue. He couldn't take his eyes off it. It was so pretty.
Luke shook off the surprise. “Eh-uh-y- Yes, please?” He was so cute when he stuttered.
Alex leaned down to Luke. He brought his hands up and oh, they were shaking so hard. He put them on either side of Luke's neck to steady them. It worked a little. They were still jittery but they weren't shaking anymore. That had to do. He pulled Luke closer, pulled his face closer. You can do this, Alex. This is what you've wanted.
Luke grinned at him. His voice was quiet when he spoke. “First kiss, you nervous? I promise I'm not gonna stick my tongue down your throat.”
“You're so gross, Luke.”
And somehow, that gave him the confidence to bring their faces together and kiss Luke.
His lips were soft. Wow. He was kissing a boy. He was kissing Luke Patterson. The kiss was so incredibly gentle, Alex might actually cry. Warmth flooded through his body and his hands steadied on Luke's neck. Their lips fit together perfectly.
Luke shifted to bring his hands up, one on Alex’ chest - fisted in his sweater -, the other wrapping around to the back of his head, resting in his hair. He pulled away for a second to give them both room to take a breath and then placed a series of short kisses on Alex’ lips. He tasted like cherry cola. Alex normally didn't particularly like the flavor but if Luke kept this up, he might develop a taste for it.
Alex leaned his forehead against Luke's. He took a deep breath.
“Can we keep doing this forever?”
“I think we might need to go home at some point.”
Alex grinned. “Do we have to, though?” He really didn't want this to end. If this ended, then they'd just be… friends who kissed once. This situation seemed an escape from the fragility of their relationship. He didn't want to have to confront the difficult bits. Trying to ask Luke what this meant, yet again fearing, risking rejection.
“Today is Friday, so we could go to the studio. Bobby'd let us crash there.”
Oh God. Staying on the couch in the studio with Luke, cuddling until they fell asleep, maybe even kissing some more? He wanted to say yes so badly. He's never wanted to agree to something more. Would it be a good idea, though? It probably wasn't a good idea to crash at Bobby's. Would his parents even allow it? He wasn't going to tell them the truth, obviously, but on such short notice?
“I don't know, Luke. I really wanna, but my parents…”
Luke grabbed his face. “We'll tell them some lie. We'll make something up. Super important. They'll have to let you go.”
“I don't know.”
Bobby's couch had never been more comfortable. Alex blamed it on Luke who was curled up in his arms, snuggling closer against him and making his heart beat faster. That right there was his boyfriend. He looked so innocent, lips slightly parted, eyes closed, not quite asleep nor awake. This was great.