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“I love you.”
They were curled in bed together when it slipped out. Loki was wrapped around Tony from behind, his fingers tracing absent patterns on the mortal’s chest and his forehead pressed against the back of Tony’s hair. He was breathing him in contently and feeling Tony relax the closer he came to sleep.
Loki didn’t know how it had happened, he hadn’t meant for it to happen. The emotion was held in his chest, filling him with warmth and making him want to squeeze the man even tighter to him. He had known for months that opening his mouth about the depths of his feelings would be a disaster.
Yet he had done just that.
I love you.
He felt Tony go tense in his arms and panic took hold of Loki. He couldn’t lose this, he couldn’t lose Tony. The only bright spot in his life, the man he couldn’t live without - but Tony was already struggling, trying to turn in Loki’s arms and demand a repetition of what he’d just said; to make him admit it again and then grow awkward and discard him, unable to return the sentiment.
Loki didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what he could do but when Tony opened his mouth and started to talk, his magic reacted for him. “Lo-”
Green sparks abruptly leapt from his fingertips and into Tony’s chest. Tony startled again before going boneless in Loki’s arms. Loki dropped Tony like he was burned, drawing away and sitting up to look down at Tony in shock. There were no residue wisps of magic as they had been instantly absorbed into his skin and had forced Tony into slumber. Loki quickly checked Tony’s mind, terrified he’d injured the man unintentionally but what he found made him jerk back in horror.
He’d erased it. He’d erased the moment and his confession from Tony’s mind.
Shit, he swore. “Shit,” he hissed aloud and ran a hand through his hair. He rarely cured using Midgardian vernacular but he needed it now. His hands were trembling, unable to believe what he’d just done.
I didn’t mean to, he thought desperately but a darker voice whispered back; would Tony care about that if he finds out?
“He can’t find out,” he murmured, feeling guilt dig claws into his heart, but knowing there was no other way. Tony could never find out about his love or he would leave and he could never find out about the accidental memory alteration or it would destroy Tony’s trust in him. Tony would hate him.
Loki let out a shaking breath and pushed the hairs that had fallen in front of his face away and back behind his ears. He stared at the man before him, yearning to wrap his lover back up in his arms. He wanted to whisper apologises and beg forgiveness - but they would be useless words and he would never receive Tony’s understanding. He could only be more careful in the future; he needed to be more careful in the future. He would not break Tony’s faith in him again nor would he jeopardise their relationship with his emotions.
He reached out, wanting to stroke Tony’s cheek but he left his fingers an inch from Tony’s skin; he hesitated, worried his magic would betray him again but he forced himself through it. He needed it.
The moment he touched Tony’s skin a pitiful sound clawed its way into Loki’s throat, he swallowed it down and moved back onto the bed, pulling Tony close and pushing his face into the other’s neck. He didn’t spout words that would fall on deaf ears; he just breathed the mortal in. Loki swore to himself that neither of the events of tonight would ever occur again. Tony would never know how close Loki came to wreaking everything. Tony would never know how much Loki needed him.
It happened again.
It was a month later and they were in Tony’s lab; they had just made a breakthrough on a medical technology Tony was working on for the blind. Tony had been so excited he’d grabbed Loki and tried to spin him with little success. Loki had laughed and ended up twirling the Inventor instead. The gleeful, uncoordinated movements soon turned into a slow dance, aided by the encouragement of JARVIS who had changed the rock music that had been playing into a slow waltz.
Loki had made the mistake of looking into Tony’s eyes, the gentle rocking of their bodies relaxing him and making him lean down and kiss Tony gently.
“What was that for?” Tony asked, grinning at him and looking so honestly affectionate that Loki wanted to do it all over again.
“Nothing, love,” he murmured.
Tony’s eyes went wide and he stumbled the next step but he didn’t even look at his feet, just kept staring at Loki. “What did you-”
The moment the endearment had slipped free Loki had felt that same rush of abject panic that he’d had that night in their bed. His magic, long-since used to reacting on instinct to whatever threatened him, sprang free again, running underneath Tony’s skin until it slipped into his temples. Tony didn’t fall asleep this time just blinked and let go of Loki. He rubbed his eyes and Loki took the time to step back, his face pale and his hands carefully placed behind him to hide the shaking.
When Tony dropped his hand, he was squinting. “Ow. What happened?”
“Nothing,” Loki answered quickly, too quickly. He took a breath, burying his guilt until he could drown himself in it later. “Why?”
“I don’t know, bit of a headache.” He grinned but it was slightly pained. “Guess I shouldn’t have spun around so soon after so little sleep.”
“Yes,” Loki answered, feeling drained and sick. “I suppose so.”
Tony frowned. “Hey, you okay?”
“Perfectly,” Loki lied. “Come, you should probably rest.”
Tony looked like he wanted to protest but he just rubbed his head again. “Yeah, I think you might be right, I feel foggy as fuck. Let’s not spin me again for a while, yeah?”
Loki knew his heart wasn’t shattering, he knew it wasn’t even being squeezed. He’d been under the effects of a spell once that reproduced the feeling of the latter so he knew it felt different - but oh, Loki almost wished for that spell. It would be more preferable than the way the lies on his tongue burnt all the way down his insides and made him feel unworthy of the organ in his chest.
You are the monster of this tale.
He wanted to run, to get away and stop himself from hurting Tony anymore but when Tony reached for him he automatically grabbed and held on. He teleported Tony to their bedroom - wrapping a spell of sleep around the mortal while he did - Tony noticed it immediately as it was common for Loki to use it. The one Loki used accidentally a month ago had been quite different; invasive and instant, this was gentle and pre-discussed. Tony had requested it on numerous occasions when he needed or wanted to sleep. He smiled at Loki.
“Always lookin’ after me,” Tony slurred and Loki was glad that Tony drifted away before he could respond. Loki couldn’t bear to look at his love and tell him another fabrication. He needed Tony asleep as soon as possible so that he could run. He needed to be somewhere where he could destroy something, where he could scream and yell and hate himself the way he deserved.
Loki tried to leave after the fourth time his magic erased a confession from Tony’s memories. He was a danger to Tony and couldn’t control himself when the mortal was close and treating Loki like he actually cared.
He had disappeared for five days, not telling the Engineer where he was going or why. He’d wanted to clear his head and come to a decision on what he needed to do. The decision had been to return to Asgard or one of the other realms of the Nine. He needed to be far from Tony and only the distance of another planet might manage to keep him from being drawn back to the mortal’s side.
When he reappeared at the tower it was late afternoon and he found Tony leaning over the balcony, a glass of scotch in his hand and a pensive scowl on his face. Loki had intended to commit the image of his lover to memory, to take a few moments in the shadows holding onto what he couldn’t keep – but he didn’t have the chance as JARVIS announced, “Sir, Mr Liesmith has returned.”
Loki scowled briefly at the ceiling before looking back at Tony. The Engineer had spun on his heel to look at him. Loki watched as relief caused Tony’s shoulders to slump before he walked back inside with an easy smile on his face. “Shit, Loki. I was worried something had happened. Don’t scare me like that again, okay? I was about to send out a fucking search party.”
He opened his mouth to say everything he’d prepared; to separate them before he could tie himself any further around the Inventor, but Tony moved first. He reached out and wrapped an arm around Loki’s waist, pulling him close. He leaned forward and pressed his head against Loki’s chest. “It’s been hard to sleep since you’ve been gone,” he confessed quietly.
Loki felt every last piece of conviction he’d spent those five days building shatter like so much glass. He curled his arms around Tony’s back and buried his face in the mortal’s hair. I have missed you more than anything in this or any universe, he thought while biting his cheek to keep any sentimental words from escaping. He didn’t want to lose this moment.
“Loki,” Tony began.
“No,” Loki quickly interrupted, “please, Tony. I don’t wish to speak tonight. I want to lie in our bed and not need to worry.”
He felt Tony shift and Loki knew that if he wasn’t resting on him, Tony would have pulled back to catch the Trickster’s eyes. Knowing he couldn’t do that, he started rubbing Loki’s back soothingly instead. “You okay, Lokes?”
There was concern in his voice and Loki closed his eyes, absorbing it and letting out a soft breathe. He didn’t speak though, he didn’t trust himself; Loki just nodded before moving away and pulling Tony to the bedroom with him. Tony stopped briefly to put his scotch on a table but otherwise acquiesced to everything Loki silently asked.
He kept sending Loki confused and curious looks, trying to work out the puzzle but he never once spoke a word or asked a question. That dedication to his request almost made Loki believe that the Inventor loved him too, but he knew it was all a fantasy.
Loki knew his luck, he knew his place. He could never be happy or get what he truly wanted; he was not the one destined for those things and he would not know how to believe it if he received them.
Loki couldn’t sleep.
He tried but every time he felt he might be able to drift off he was abruptly reminded of how much he didn’t deserve what he had. Tony was sleeping beside him; he had an arm around Loki’s waist and was resting a head on his shoulder. It was Tony’s favourite way to fall asleep and while they usually drifted apart at night, lost in their own slumbers; Loki couldn’t bring himself to move enough to inspire the Inventor to let him go.
Loki didn’t deserve the touch.
He was a disgusting, despicable creature who should have left the first time he accidentally altered Tony’s mind. He should have run and never looked back. It shouldn’t have mattered about how much he loved Tony and how he felt that leaving the other would be like leaving his heart behind as well.
It was for Tony’s own good, not his own.
So if he knew that, why did he still stay? Why did he keep letting a smile, a touch or a laugh from the Engineer draw him back in, putting Tony in a position to be hurt again? Loki closed his eyes tightly but a small tear still escaped. He silently snarled at himself, he wanted to rip away but forced himself to carefully untangle from Tony. When he was on the edge of the bed he roughly brushed the failed attempt to maintain his emotions clean from his face. He clenched the edge of the bed when he had finished. Why was he still letting himself stay here?
“Mr Liesmith?” JARVIS’ quiet voice made Loki jerk and look at the ceiling, the AI continued kindly, “Are you alright?”
Loki gave a broken half-laugh, knowing he could say nothing else to his lover’s protective creation. “I’m fine, JARVIS.”
The silence stretched and Loki started to believe the AI had taken him at his word, but when he spoke, it was with a kindness that stunned Loki to the core. “May I suggest that you inform Sir of the depth of your emotions before you cause damage to his second most prized possession?”
“You knew?” Loki demanded, barely registering the rest of the AI’s words as he stared at the ceiling in shock. “You knew what has been occurring?”
“I monitor Mr Stark in all things. His lack of attention to these moments has been quite unusual. The only conclusion was the influence of magic.”
Loki flicked his eyes to the sleeping mortal, worried for an entirely different reason. “And you didn’t tell him?”
“I know it was not your intent. I also know that you would never wilfully harm Sir. It seemed best to allow it’s continuation in the hope it would resolve in due course.”
Loki’s smile was bitter and sharp. “You would trust a monster?”
“Mr Stark would argue you are not thus. He also trusts you and I do so in return.” Loki noticed a screen flash to life from the corner of his eye, it was one of the monitoring systems Tony had implemented in the tower and it was focusing on one particular person. “I cannot help but notice this situation seems to affect your health, Mr Liesmith. Should you not inform Mr Stark and limit the likelihood if it’s reoccurrence?”
Loki winced and looked down at where his bare feet rested on the floor. “He will never wish to have me any longer should I do that.” He swallowed before whispering, “He will not return my affections. Surely you know this.”
“I do not begin to understand the mind of Sir,” JARVIS answered, “but in this I believe the depth of his emotion is apparent.”
Loki was already shaking his head. “How I wish it to be true,” he murmured, his eyes moving almost against their will to look at where his lover was sleeping peacefully. “But it is not, it cannot be.”
“You will not know unless you ask, Mr Liesmith.”
Loki barked out a laugh and looked away from Tony. “At this rate I will need to ask from Asgard, lest I make him forget I was ever speaking at all.” JARVIS didn’t respond but his earlier words had still done what the AI had intended. They forced Loki to wonder over how Tony would react if he was told about Loki’s feelings and his magic’s reactions. Loki closed his eyes and tilted his head back, feeling weary. He opened his eyes suddenly when a thought occured. “JARVIS?”
“Yes, Mr Liesmith?”
“You said I was injuring his second most prized possession?” Loki’s mouth curved into a faint smirk. He’d always been fond of JARVIS’ dry wit and he could use a distraction. “Surely he does not rate his armour above his own mind?”
“Of course not, Mr Liesmith,” JARVIS answered, but not in the way Loki had expected or intended. “He rates himself below you.”
Loki’s breath caught and his gasp was audible in the quiet room as he tensed. He gripped the mattress so tightly that his fingers punctured it. He didn’t care. “He has said this?”
“To myself and with others present,” JARVIS confirmed.
Turning, Loki looked back at Tony; he was still sleeping soundly, his hair ruffled and curling after having showered before coming to bed. He was perfect and Loki never wanted to leave his side. Could he trust that JARVIS was telling him the truth - or was he just spouting lies to protect his master from further magical interference?
No, Loki thought. JARVIS was more upfront than that. He would also have spoken to Tony directly.
Tony shifted moving closer towards Loki’s side of the bed as if searching for his presence. Loki found himself leaning forward and reaching out to him. He jerked back when he realised what he was doing, afraid even now of what an errant touch would curse Tony with. I can’t go on like this, Loki realised. He swallowed and the words felt thick on his tongue as he murmured them, “Perhaps I should let him remember.” He reviewed JARVIS’ words and allowing himself to hope. “Perhaps it will be worth the chance.”
JARVIS didn’t say anything in response to his decision and the two of them remained silent for the rest of the night as they both watched over Tony as he slept.
Loki tried to remain calm but as the night passed and the time came ever closer for Tony to awaken and learn about what he had done, Loki’s nerves increased. He found himself pacing and nothing the AI could say gave Loki any comfort.
He couldn’t image the confessions going anything other than poorly; he would likely lose Tony or at the very least gain his rage. It would be understandable and Loki would weather it as long as hope still remained for Tony to forgive him at some time in the future. JARVIS might have told him of Tony’s feelings, but Tony constantly joked about his ‘love’ for things, surely JARVIS was misreading the Inventor’s words?
No, there was no other possibility; Tony would despise him for the invading use of magic, be discomforted by the depths of his feelings and be furious about how long Loki had kept it from him.
Loki’s could only cling to the idea that Tony cared for him enough to forgive him, to still want him in his life in some way. It was all he could do. He might be the God of Lies but he couldn’t perpetrate this one any longer, not when he cared too much about the man he was committing it against.
When the sun started to peak through the windows, Loki took a nervous seat in the armchair that Tony had moved into the room. Loki liked to watch the sun rise and set over the city and Tony liked to facilitate him. The memory of when he first moved the armchair into their bedroom came without prompting. It made him smile, remembering his lover’s complaints about pushing and pulling it all the way into the room, yet still smiling softly when Loki sat in it.
The memory was a comfort to Loki but it soon disappeared as Tony was beginning to stir and it filled the Trickster with worry once again. He wanted to stand, to walk and force some of his restless energy to dissipate but Tony was waking and he had no time left to change his mind.
Tony blinked his eyes open first, yawning and pressing his palm to them, rubbing lightly before grumbling a mass of words that long practice allowed Loki to translate into: “Why the fuck are the blinds up?”
Neither JARVIS nor Loki answered, waiting for Tony to push himself up and peer around the room. He spotted Loki quickly and was soon frowning, concern evident in his voice “Loki?”
Loki forced his hands from his lap to rest on the arms of the chair. He also sat back from where he’d started to hunch and with a calming breath he said softly, “I am sorry, Tony.”
Yawning again, Tony moved so he wasn’t leaning on his arms but rather sitting cross-legged with the sheet tangled around his legs. “Wha’ for?”
Loki chose his words carefully. “My magic has been...” his eyes fell to his fingers and he clenched his hand in a fist, “difficult to control lately.”
“Yeah?” Tony asked, stretching and starting to wake up. “I hadn’t noticed.” He looked around. “You been up long? Is there coffee?” He flashed a bright smile. “Is your magic playing up so much that you can’t conjure coffee?”
Loki hesitated but quickly complied and made Tony’s favourite coffee appear in a mug a few inches from the other and making Tony’s face light up. “Thanks, Lokes.” He grabbed the cup and took a grateful sip, closing his eyes in bliss. When he opened them again, his focus was sharp and centred on Loki. “So. Magic. How’s it been playing up? I seriously hadn’t seen anything to suggest it wasn’t working fine.”
“You will,” Loki told him, trying to keep the despondence from his voice.
Tony paused, the mug halfway to his mouth again. “Huh?”
“I didn’t mean it,” Loki found himself trying to assure, leaning forward and hoping to convince Tony with his eyes alone. “I swear I didn’t mean to take them from you, my love.” Tony looked as though he’d been meaning to speak but the second the endearment fell from Loki’s lips; Tony froze, his eyes going wide. Loki didn’t allow him to respond; he forced his hands into fists and kept his magic locked tight inside himself. “JARVIS,” Loki ordered, “replay everything.”
JARVIS complied and pulled up a screen that began a chronological display of all the recordings. Loki was glad that it forced Tony’s attention away from him and the way he was rapidly paling. Loki refused to watch himself erase Tony’s mind continually so he memorized his lover instead. He catalogued the creases on his face from the pillow, the colour of his eyes and the mug clenched in his hand. He would need every detail stored for the future if this turned into the confrontation he knew it would.
Loki watched as Tony started to flinch each time he confessed something on the screen. He heard his own panic and regret when Tony was unconscious - as JARVIS had taken him literally; he was showing Tony everything, all of Loki’s distress and anger with himself. Loki internally winced at himself; if JARVIS was trying to appeal to Tony’s compassion or just simply attempting to humiliate him Loki didn’t know. JARVIS even replayed the conversation they’d had only a few hours ago to only further increase Loki’s nerves. Listening to it again, Loki could barely wait until the end before his questions tumbled out, his words confessing everything in their desperation. “Did you? Did you praise me as precious to you once?”
“Once?” Tony echoed.
Loki clenched his jaw and found his eyes flicking away, but he needed an answer. He needed to be able to silence the fear and relieve some of the weight crushing his chest. “I know I have harmed you with my actions, Tony.” He began softly, “They were unintentional - I swear to you that they were - but I know you will be angry and rightfully so. I just,” he finally looked up at Tony, letting the mask that had been hanging by a thread disappear. He showed his lover the terror and hope and desperate love that he could no longer contain. “I just want to know if this regard for me can be rebuilt or if I have lost it forever with my,” he glared at his fist, hating his magic for one of the few times in his life and spitting the word, “actions.”
Looking back at the Inventor Loki found Tony’s face go completely blank for the longest moment, his mind whirring like one of his machines as he took in and assimilated new information. Loki could feel his heart hanging in the balance before, slowly, a small, soft smile curled Tony’s lips. The Engineer shook the covers from his legs and climbed out of the bed. He was only in boxers but he made his way across the cold floor never flinching. Loki’s eyes were unable to stray from Tony’s face, trying to gauge his reaction. When the Inventor reached Loki he knelt, his hands coming to rest on Loki’s knees and Loki almost flinched at the touch, he had to stop himself from trying to hold the Inventor close as he stared down at the man.
“Loki,” Tony said gently, “I love you too, you complete idiot.” He pushed up enough to brush a chaste kiss on Loki’s lips. “This doesn’t change anything. I mean, it sucks that it happened and we’ll have to work on that not ever happening again but you didn’t mean to do it.” He grinned slightly his eyes alighting with something Loki couldn’t begin to fathom. “It’s kind of funny actually-”
Loki stopped Tony before he could continue, capturing his mouth in an almost painful kiss. His relief and affection was obvious in every touch as he curled a hand around Tony’s neck. He knew they would need to talk more; he’d need to try and return Tony’s memories and assure him that nothing else had been altered, but for now, Tony was still willing to take a chance on him and he needed the grounding of his touch.
When he finally pulled back he rested their foreheads together and told Tony. “I love you.”
A wide grin met his words, the complete opposite of what he had feared for so long. “Right back at you, Lokes.”
He kissed Loki again and Loki closed his eyes, sinking into it and feeling the tension finally unwind from his back and shoulders. The kiss had barely started when Tony suddenly let out a huff of laughter against Loki’s mouth and pulled back. He was smirking and Loki raised his eyebrows, his hand still curled around his lover’s neck. “What has amused you so?”
“Hah, nothing, just, this will be one for the books. Does this beat Steve and Bucky’s first confession of love? That was a doozy, national television and everything, bet they wished they had a memory-altering boyfriend to-”
Loki’s mouth had formed a thin line during Tony’s response and he soon cut him off, but this time when the magic darted out from the sorcerer’s fingers it was deliberate and it delivered a mild electric shock intended to make the Inventor yelp.
“Asshole!” Tony told him, jumping back and rubbing his ass where Loki had aimed it, making the demi-God smile with amusement. He glared at the Trickster, “You’re lucky I love you.”
“Yes,” Loki said, more seriously than Tony probably intended. “I am.”
Tony’s surprised but pleased smile was all Loki needed to witness to know that for once in his life everything had turned out well for him.