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It was getting late. Imogen craned her neck to see a few extra inches to the left through the window in Zhudanna’s kitchen. Laudna should’ve been back by now.
She’d just gone into the market for a couple of crafting supplies, she’d said. “Oh, just a bit of string, maybe some yarn, and of course I need to see what they have for fabrics now. They were awfully short when we were here last.”
Imogen had offered to accompany her, given how easy navigating the populace was now that she’s got the circlet on, but Laudna had gently rejected her offer. She’d wanted to pick something up for Imogen, too, and didn’t want her spoiling the surprise.
So, knowing Laudna as well as she does, it should’ve taken her two hours, three at most to get caught up in all the market’s offerings and make her way back. She was passing the four and a half hour mark.
“Do you want me to make you some tea, dear?” Zhudanna’s voice floated into the kitchen from the sitting room doorway. Imogen whirled around to meet her knowing eye.
“Oh, no, I’m okay, I’m sure everything’s fine,” Imogen lied, fighting to keep the trembling out of her vowels. Zhudanna didn’t need to know that every passing minute exacerbated her anxiety about Laudna’s safety.
“Well, alright dear, have a nice evening,” Zhudanna said and a few moments later Imogen heard the door to her room click shut.
Imogen looked over to the armchair in the sitting room where she’d been waiting for the first three hours. Her book still lay open on the end table, spine broken, and her glasses were haphazardly tossed beside it. She couldn’t even remember what was in the chapters she’d read.
Her fingers felt empty without Laudna nearby to hold, to reach for. The room felt cold without her constant movement, her fidgeting, the way her fingers moved relentlessly against her skirt, her hair, Imogen.
She reconsidered, for the sixth time, Sending to Laudna. Just to check in, make sure she’s alright. It had worked once over a short distance, even with Ruidus fucking things up. Maybe it would work again. And if it gave her a headache, that was fine, that would be worth it if it could confirm that Laudna was okay. That she was safe and on her way home.
Holding the bloodwell vial in her hand, she felt the prickle of power gathering at the ends of her fingers. Just as she reached to cast the spell, the front door opened and Laudna’s voice sang into the house, “Oh, Imogen!”
The spell fizzled out at her fingertips before she could fully let the magic out to cast it.
Imogen whipped her head over to the door so fast, lightning wavered at the edges of her eyesight. The relief she felt when she finally got her eyes on Laudna was an immediate balm and then her attention was taken instead by the shocking lack of hair against her shoulders.
Her mouth dropped open in a soft, “Oh,” as her eyes raked respectfully over the newly-exposed skin of Laudna’s neck, no longer covered with long black hair. Some of her hair was still pulled back into a loose bun held aloft with her favoured rock chisel, but her hair stopped short just past her chin. The streak of white had place of pride, no longer lost in the ocean of dark hair.
Imogen peeled her eyes away from the change to take in the rest of Laudna. She had one bag of purchases in hand and wore a shy smile on her face as she drank in Imogen’s expressions.
“I see you’ve noticed,” Laudna gestured to the new length with her free hand.
Imogen nodded dumbly, eyes wide, unable to string together any words at all.
Laudna’s expression turned fragile and hesitant. “Do you dislike it?” She entered the kitchen, still several feet from Imogen, and placed her bag on the counter.
And of course that would be Laudna’s automatic assumption, of fuckin’ course she’d automatically assume that Imogen was speechless because she couldn’t find any positive words to say.
It could never be that Laudna looked so gods-damned beautiful with this cute-as-shit new haircut that Imogen was scared she’d melt right into Zhudanna’s floorboards.
“Oh, honey,” Imogen said softly, rushing up to Laudna. “You look gorgeous,” the words tumbled out of her and Laudna lit up like her Dancing Lights. “I mean,” Imogen felt the blush warm her skin from chest to cheek, “you always look beautiful, sweetheart, but this suits you so well.”
Imogen wanted to savour the purple hue that adorned Laudna’s cheeks. “Are you sure? It was kind of an impulsive thing, thought a bit of a change could do me some good, you know?”
Laudna laughed and Imogen wanted to bundle it up around her like a comforting blanket. “Besides, I think I’m overdue for a midlife crisis, don’t you think? I’ve died twice, so I can probably have another one soon, too, if I want to. And everyone suggests buying a fancy new wagon or getting a haircut at that stage.” She gave a little twirl, her skirt swishing gently in the wake. “Maybe I’ll look at vehicles or horses next time.”
Imogen stepped right up to Laudna, holding her hand out. “May I?” she asked, looking from Laudna’s eyes to the hair and back.
Laudna’s pleased smile deepened. “Of course, darling, you can touch anytime. You don’t have to ask.”
“I want to,” Imogen replied. “Ask, I mean. Well, l – the touching, too.” She shrugged. “You know that you having choices is important to me.”
“I do,” Laudna said. “And I hope that you know that I will always choose you whenever I have the option.”
Imogen smiled and then brought her fingers to graze the ends of the hair. She ran her fingers lightly through the tresses. “Do you like it?”
Laudna considered, tilting her head to the side. “I think I do. It feels… freeing, in a way.”
Imogen slipped her fingers against her neck gently, clearly broadcasting her intentions so Laudna could say no.
Laudna didn’t say no. She leaned into the touch of Imogen’s fingertips, bare, warm against her skin.
“I’d really like to kiss you,” Imogen whispered, tilting her head up towards Laudna’s.
A wide grin spread across Laudna’s face and Imogen, for just a moment, wished that she didn’t have the circlet on. Wished that she could hear Laudna’s thoughts, dive into them like the ocean and drown in the music.
They have shared several kisses since their first, yesterday, beside the bakery stall. Imogen has been the one leaning in for them more often, asking for them. Laudna has been plenty affectionate back to her, of course, but she hasn’t initiated a kiss since their second one.
Not that Imogen’s been keeping track. Laudna tended to deposit kisses to her hair, her forehead, her cheeks. Sometimes, her lips grazed the backs of Imogen’s knuckles.
And she let the little bubble of insecurity float to the surface.
“Do… do you want to kiss me?” Imogen swallowed the at all that felt like too much at the end of the question.
Laudna reeled like she’d been slapped, the smile evaporating from her face. “What?” She blinked aggressively. “Imogen, do you think I don’t want to kiss you?”
Imogen felt her whole body flush. She admonished herself for being foolish, for being weak. Embarrassment filled all the space in her lungs.
Laudna knew how to understand so much more about Imogen with even less. Laudna pulled away, but didn’t let go of her.
“Oh, darling, I am so sorry that I have made you feel like I don’t want to kiss you.” Her focus on Imogen was intense, relentless. Imogen couldn’t do much else aside from stare back into those wide black eyes, reflecting all the love she felt in her heart.
“I can’t imagine it’s easy for you to be with someone like me, like this,” Laudna said softly. Imogen tensed, refutations surging to her lips.
“Please, darling, let me get this out,” Laudna looked at her knowingly and Imogen deflated, letting the retorts ebb back into the crevices around her heart.
“Nothing would make me happier than to kiss you for the rest of your life,” but there was an ancient sadness in the words, the echoes of loneliness that never went away, that waited for Laudna to return. Imogen abruptly frowned as she realised Laudna’s precise language. Your life.
“But I also understand that it can be jarring… to kiss someone like me. And I love that you’re willing to kiss me, love, how could I not? But I will never expect that of you and I will never force it upon you.” She cleared her throat and looked down at her hands on Imogen’s waist.
Imogen had never struggled so hard to keep her mouth shut.
“And I also understand… that it may not always be what you want. That I may not always be what you want.”
She tasted salt and copper on her tongue as she pulled her teeth out from the particularly bruising puncture wound she’d inflicted on herself.
“And that’s okay,” Laudna said, like it should put Imogen at ease, like it shouldn’t rip her heart out of her chest, still beating. “I will always give you everything in my power, my dear. And I hope you take it. Because you deserve to have a life. After all of this, after everything, you deserve a happy ending.”
Laudna tried to hide a sniffle in a watery chuckle. She shook herself out of it, put a smile on her lips two centimetres too wide.
“Which reminds me, I am sorry for not giving you the choice yesterday. I – I found that I was overcome by my emotions, by your belief in me, by your lovely but misguided opinion that I’m not a bad person, and I acted without thought when I kissed you.”
“Please don’t do that,” Imogen begged, voice thick and tears falling in rivulets down her cheeks. Her scars glowed dimly. “Please don’t apologise for kissing me, for showing me that you love me.”
“But Imogen –”
“No ‘but’s, Laudna. I don’t think I could take it if you were sorry about kissin’ me.”
“I – it’s – I’m just sorry I forced it on you!” Laudna spluttered.
Imogen was shaking her head before Laudna even finished. “If that was you forcing something on me, I want you to do that forever,” Imogen declared, eyes bright. “For all of your life.”
“Imogen–” Breathless, sad, maybe a little shocked.
“No, no, you got your turn to say something, now I’m gettin’ mine,” Imogen interrupted. “How do I get it through your thick, beautiful head that I love you?”
Reprimanded, just a little bit, Laudna argued, “I know that you love me.”
Imogen shook her head. “Okay, you know I love you, but I don’t think you understand what that means.”
Imogen ran her hands through Laudna’s shortened hair again and then placed her hands on each of Laudna’s cheeks. “Sweetheart, I love you so much.” She paused, caught herself, because she didn’t want to give Laudna any space to misinterpret what she was saying.
“I am so in love with you that my heart feels like it will burst when we’re this close,” she gestured to the mere inches between them. “Hell, even when we’re just in the same room and we make eye contact.”
Her eyes blazed into Laudna’s who didn’t seem able to move her focus away from Imogen. Imogen placed her hands on Laudna’s waist.
“I am so in love with you that I wish I could crawl into your chest and settle right down beside your hound and make my home within your branches and bones.” Laudna’s eyes were glassy, her jaw tight.
“I didn’t have much of a life before you, Laudna, and I wouldn’t have much of one after you, either – except I’m not going to let there be an after. Do you hear me? I don’t want an after; I won’t accept it. You are not one stop on my road to happiness.” She tried to let that sink in.
“Laudna, you’re the journey and the destination.” Imogen swallowed, soothing her suddenly dry mouth.
“I don’t have a happy ending unless you’re in it. I don’t want anything except for you.” She brought a hand back up to Laudna’s cheek. “So fuck Delilah if she’s back. She can’t have you. I won’t let her. I will do everything in my power – I will find a way to get that bitch out of your head.”
They let her words hang in the air for a moment.
“And what if she’s what’s keeping me… undead?” The fear is whispered into the scant space between them but it fills the entire room with a dull heaviness.
“We’ll find a way,” Imogen’s voice left no room for argument, before turning fierce. “You’re mine, Laudna, for as long as you want to be. And I’m yours, for as long as you’ll have me.”
Ichor ran down Laudna’s cheeks. “Imogen,” the word so soft it barely disturbed the air. “Darling,” her voice was stronger now, she took Imogen’s hands in her own. “I’m already dead.”
A sob tore itself from Imogen’s throat. “No, you’re not!”
Laudna smiled sadly. “I am, Imogen. And I’m worried, as you might suspect, that you don’t really understand that.”
“Laudna, Laudna, Laudna,” her name left Imogen’s lips so quickly, like a fevered prayer. “You have died, I know that. Twice. And I know it was my fault the second time–”
“It wasn’t your fault, dearest, it was Otohan’s. Never yours,” Laudna’s voice was assertive, calm – everything that Imogen’s wasn’t in this moment.
“It was my fault. She knew. She knew I loved you, more than anything. Knew, somehow, that you’re my favourite part about the world.”
Indulgent, that’s the best word Imogen could find to describe Laudna’s face. “That’s very kind of you, Imogen, but that still doesn’t make it your fault. Otohan would’ve killed us all.”
Imogen needed her to understand. “But she killed you to get me to break – and I did Laudna, as soon as she threatened you, I folded like a sheet in the wind. And she killed you anyway.” She couldn’t stop crying.
“Exactly, darling,” Laudna’s voice was soothing. “It wasn’t about you. It was about her. It wasn’t your fault.” Her grip tightened around Imogen’s wrists. “The blame, the guilt you feel is misplaced, dearest.” She laughed, but there was no humour in it. “If you want to talk about fault and endangering the other, I think we both know that crown is mine.”
The mental image of Laudna in a crown, looking regal and – fuck – only distracted Imogen for a moment. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Laudna spoke so gently and her grip on Imogen’s wrists loosened. “Darling, if one of us is guilty of constantly putting the other in danger, surely you see it’s me? With her in my head? I broke your rock because of her.”
There has been enough time and distance since those horrible few days where Imogen was reeling from the betrayal she had never expected that Imogen was now able to see the truth. “Laudna, she broke the rock, not you. And it might’ve been a good thing to get it away from me, I don’t know. But you didn’t do that, sweetheart, she did.”
“Isn’t that worse? To know that I can’t stop her, that at any moment she can come out to play and there’s nothing I can do about it?”
“She needs you, Laudna. Whatever she does in your body, that’s what she does, not you. You’re not to blame for Delilah’s nonsense.” Imogen brought one of Laudna’s hands to her lips and kissed her fingertips. “You’re not the same and we’ll find a way to separate the two of you.”
Imogen wet her lips as Laudna took that all in. She looked at the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life beside and said, “I promise. You’ll get to live a life without her.”
Laudna looked down at her with ichor-welling eyes. Imogen faltered. “If – if you want to, that is, you don’t have to. But I’ll make sure you get the option.”
Imogen reached up and wiped away the ichor from Laudna’s face. Laudna leaned in against the press of her hand and held Imogen’s gaze. “Imogen, there is nothing in the world I could want more than a real, normal lifetime with you.”
“I want to kiss you,” Imogen said, smiling at the way Laudna lit up. “And if you want to kiss me, too, ever, there is nothing I would love more than you takin’ the initiative.”
“Are you sure, darling?” The words were hesitant, but Laudna sounded less convinced now than she’d been earlier that Imogen couldn’t possibly want to kiss a dead person.
“Do you want me to come kiss you? When I want to? Without asking?” Imogen asked instead.
Laudna nodded. “Of course.”
Imogen grinned victoriously. “Right back at’cha, sweetheart.”
She watched as Laudna seemed to go back and forth with herself and Imogen wondered idly, if she didn’t have the circlet, if she would have been able to build her mental walls well enough to stay out of Laudna’s thoughts. If they’d be too loud for her to stay away from.
“You’ll tell me, though? If you ever don’t want that? If you change your mind? I’d understand.” Laudna said, clenching and unclenching her fingers in between them.
“It won’t happen,” Imogen assured her, “but if it’ll make you feel better, then yes, of course I will.”
“You deserve options, Imogen,” Laudna stressed.
“I want you,” Imogen countered. “Gods know I don’t deserve you, but I want you anyway,” she said forcefully. “I don’t need any other options.”
Laudna was too busy sputtering, “You don’t – you don’t deserve me?”
But Imogen was ready for her, expected the response as much as she hoped it wouldn’t come. “Of course not. You coming into my life was the most important thing to happen to me. Ever. You are so kind and generous and wonderful and good, Laudna. I don’t understand how everyone isn’t in love with you, but I am so happy they aren’t.” She chuckled. “I’m so thankful those assholes don’t understand what they’re passin’ up, because it means I get to have more time with you and I am so selfish when it comes to you, honey.”
The flickering candles reflected their light in Laudna’s shimmering eyes and Imogen watched with hope as Laudna’s eyes closed and she rushed forward to kiss Imogen.
Imogen felt those cool lips on hers, felt long fingers slide along her scalp down behind her ear. She gasped at the gentle pressure Laudna exerted to pull Imogen’s mouth more ardently against hers.
She responded in kind, wound her fingers in the new length of Laudna’s hair, pulling her in. Their mouths moved against each other. Imogen nipped softly at Laudna’s lower lip, wrenching a rough hum of delight from that pale throat.
Imogen wondered what other noises she could pull from Laudna, what kind of orchestra she could conduct with this glorious woman as her instrument. She tugged slowly but firmly on the locks of hair still wrapped up in her hand.
A whimper. Imogen pulled back, to check, to make sure Laudna was okay, that she didn’t go too far. Laudna looked down at her, like prey staring down their hunter, as Imogen breathed heavily.
“Was that okay?” Imogen asked, keeping her hand in this new short hair that she loved.
Laudna licked her lips. “Do it again.”