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Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” EPISODE 1, SEASON 1

OPENING FRAME, WHITE TEXT ON BLACK BACKGROUND:

Parental Advisory
This is an educational program that teaches important information, but may be frightening for young children. Watch the program alongside your child and be ready to answer any questions. If you are unsure how to talk about monsters with children, there are guides available on the Department of Conjunction’s website.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, WRITTEN BY JASKIER AND SUNG BY HIM AND SEVERAL CHILDREN. PART OF THE SONG IS CALL-AND-RESPONSE, WHERE JASKIER NAMES VARIOUS MONSTERS AND THE CHILDREN RESPOND WITH ACTIONS THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN IF FACED WITH THEM, SUCH AS “RUN”, “HIDE”, “PLAY DEAD” OR “SCREAM VERY, VERY LOUD” THE LAST OF WHICH THE CHILDREN THEN DEMONSTRATE, TO THE DELIGHT OF MANY CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE AND CONSTERNATION OF MANY ADULTS.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THE BACKGROUND IS A LIGHT-BLUE WOOD-PANELED WALL AND FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS (FEATURING A DROWNER, A BRUXA, A WEREWOLF AND A WYVERN RESPECTIVELY) THAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRAWN BY CHILDREN.

JASKIER AND GERALT ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE WALL.

JASKIER WEARS A RAINBOW T-SHIRT, HEART-SHAPED GLASSES AND A GLITTERY BUTTERFLY HAIR CLIP. HE IS SMILING WIDELY, AND LIKE SOME OTHER CHILDREN’S TV HOSTS HE STARES INTO THE CAMERA AND VERY RARELY BLINKS.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK TURTLENECK SWEATER AND A SILVER WITCHER MEDALLION FEATURING THE HEAD OF A WOLF. HIS WHITE HAIR IS IN A SIDE-BRAID OVER ONE SHOULDER AND HIS EYES ARE GOLD. (HE DOESN’T APPEAR TO BLINK A LOT EITHER, BUT DOESN’T GIVE THE IMPRESSION OF TRYING TO HARD, IT IS ALMOST AS IF HE JUST DOESN’T NEED TO BLINK.)

JASKIER

Hello everyone! I’m Jaskier. And I can’t wait to learn more about monsters!

GERALT

Hm. I’m Geralt. Witcher of the wolf school.

JASKIER

And what is a witcher, Geralt?

GERALT

Means I hunt monsters. Sometimes kill them, if they can’t be moved somewhere they’ll do no trouble.

JASKIER

Very cool! Geralt and some of his witcher friends are going to be our monster experts and teach us all sorts of things. And we’ll all listen carefully, because if you’re ever in a dangerous situation, and a witcher tells you to do something, then doing that thing is the best way to stay safe. And if there’s no witchers there, then remembering the things Geralt and the others say on “The ABCs of Monsters and Magic” is the next best thing!

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. AN ANIMATED VERSION OF GERALT WALKS INTO FRAME, DRESSED IN TRADITIONAL BLACK WITCHER ARMOR, WITH TWO SWORDS ON HIS BACK. TEXT APPEARS AS A SOOTHING, FEMALE VOICE STARTS TALKING. THE NARRATOR IS IDENTIFIED IN THE END CREDITS AS TRISS MERIGOLD.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Witchers were created after the first Conjunction of the Spheres, to protect humans and other people from monsters. Geralt is from the Wolf School, but there are other schools as well. They are all named after animals: Bears, Manticors, Griffins, Vipers and Cats.

SIMPLIFIED VERSIONS OF ALL THE SCHOOL SYMBOLS APPEAR AS THEY ARE MENTIONED. THE ANIMATED GERALT LOOKS UP AT THEM AND REACTS TO EACH SYMBOL. MOST OF THE REACTIONS ARE NEUTRAL, AND CERTAINLY NONE ARE OPENLY NEGATIVE, INCLUDING THE CATS AND VIPERS THAT HAVE HISTORICALLY HAD SOMEWHAT ANTAGONISTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE WOLVES. WHEN THE GRIFFINS ARE MENTIONED THE ANIMATED GERALT GIVES A LITTLE BOW, REFERENCING THE STEREOTYPE THAT THE GRIFFINS ARE THE COURTLY KNIGHTS AMONG WITCHERS.

BACK IN THE STUDIO. THERE IS NOW A GLASS BOWL ON A SMALL TABLE IN FRONT OF JASKIER AND GERALT. THE BOWL IS FILLED WITH SLIPS OF PAPER.

JASKIER

It’s time to learn about our first monster! I’m so excited! We’re gonna take a piece of paper from the Bowl of Surprise, and whatever monster it says, that’s the one we’ll be talking about. Geralt, do you want to do the honors?

GERALT

Hm.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE BOWL. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC. GERALT TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER. THE CAMERA STAYS ON HIM AS HE READS.

GERALT

Archespore.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT.

JASKIER CLAPS HIS HANDS.

JASKIER

And what’s an archespore, Geralt?

GERALT

Looks like plants. Shoots poison thorns. Spray acid. Parts of them can explode. Very dangerous. Hard to see until you’re too close, and they start attacking.

JASKIER

Sneaky. I would not want to get poisoned by a plant monster.

GERALT

No. That would be bad. Witcher can survive many poisons, and take potions that heal us but would kill a human.

JASKIER

So how should a human, or elf or dwarf and so on, handle an archespore?

GERALT

Learn to recognize them. Stay away. Far away. Call a witcher. Or a mage. Or the Park Rangers, if it’s in a national park. They have an archespore response group. Don’t try to fight ‘em if you don’t have training. (PAUSE) If you really, really need to, archespores are vulnerable to fire. But you’re more likely to start a forest fire than kill the monster if you don’t know what you’re doing.

JASKIER

Got it! Identify, stay away, call for help, and avoid starting forest fires. But how do they look? How can I recognize one? And where do they grow?

GERALT

They can be brown, green, purple or yellow. Leaves that look kinda like jaws. (GERALT MAKES A GESTURE WITH A HAND, LIKE A MAWN SNAPPING SHUT OR POSSIBLY SHOOTING OUT THORNS. JASKIER LOOKS LIKE HE FINDS THE GESTURE QUITE ADORABLE.) We have some in the greenhouse, so we’ll look at them later. They’re useful for alchemy. Mostly they grow in swamps, but also places where bad things have happened.

JASKIER

Oh, like a crime?

GERALT

Sometimes. Very bad crimes. Or where the victims are buried.

JASKIER (EXCITED)

Are they like spirits of vengeance? Striking out in terrible anger, because the victim didn’t get justice?

GERALT MAKES A FACE.

GERALT

No. Not spirits. (PAUSE) Some believe that they have the criminal’s evil somehow, and attack all innocents. But from what I’ve seen they attack anyone that gets close enough. Good or bad.

JASKIER

Oh.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. AN ANIMATED ARCHESPORE SWAYS A LITTLE IN THE CORNER. TEXT APPEARS AS TRISS NARRATES.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

The archespore looks like a really big, really ugly flower. They come in four colors. The least dangerous are brown. Humans that get to a hospital or other healer quickly enough after being attacked by a brown archespore often survive. Then there are green and purple, which are more dangerous. There are also yellow archespores. Legend has it the yellow were created by the mages from the magic school Ban Ard a long, long time ago. Yellow archespore are still mostly found in magical gardens kept by mages and alchemists, but can sometimes also be found in the wild. They are just as deadly as their wild siblings, and should be avoided. Growing an archespore of any color without the right training and permissions is incredibly dangerous and illegal.

WE ARE OUTSIDE A GREENHOUSE. GERALT AND A NEW WITCHER, LAMBERT, ARE STANDING BY THE DOOR. JASKIER IS STANDING A BIT TO THE SIDE. BOTH WITCHERS ARE DRESSED IN BLACK ARMOR AND PROTECTIVE GLOVES AND GLASSES, WITH VIALS OF GOLDEN POTIONS STRAPPED TO THEIR BELTS. JASKIER IS WEARING A BRIGHT YELLOW HAZMAT SUIT, WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE PADDED ARMOR OVER HIS TORSO, ARMS AND THIGHS. HE LOOKS EXCITED. GERALT GLARES AT HIM. LAMBERT LOOKS AMUSED.

LAMBERT

Yeah, hey, I’m Lambert. Wolf witcher, like that one.

JASKIER

He’s Geralt’s little brother.

THERE’S A SHARP CUT, LIKE THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A WORD OR GESTURE IN RESPONSE THAT WERE DEEMED INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN’S TV.

LAMBERT

I’m the best da-...rn alchemist the wolves have. Means working with lotsa ingredients, an’ archespores have a bunch. Juice mostly - not the kind ya drink - but others too. I’m more in the lab than the greenhouses, but most o’ the others didn’t wanna show their ugly mugs on TV, so. Ya get me.

JASKIER

And how grateful we are to have you as one of our teachers! Lambert’s gonna show us the archespores, so that we can all see what they look like.

GERALT (POINTEDLY, TO JASKIER)

And Jaskier will stay back and not get too close.

JASKIER (DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA, SMILING, NOT LOOKING AT GERALT)

Of course! I always listen to the safety advice of witchers. It's very important to always listen to the witchers who are trying to keep you safe.

CUT TO INSIDE THE GREENHOUSE. THE CAMERA IS SLIGHTLY LESS STEADY, AS IF IT STILL HAS GOOD STABILIZERS, BUT IS NO LONGER HELD BY A PROFESSIONAL. WE SEE GERALT AND LAMBERT STANDING FURTER INSIDE THE GREENHOUSE. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THEM. JASKIER IS NOT IN FRAME.

JASKIER (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

So! Archespores!

LAMBERT

Yeah, yeah. This is it, here. Brown archespore.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON A BLOWN-ISH PLANT A FEW METERS BEHIND THEM.

LAMBERT

Me an’ Geralt are standin’ right outside the attack range, so it’s waitin’. Looks just like a fudging ugly flower now. And kinda dead, coz it’s the brown one, an’ most brown plants are dead, ya know? But this one isn’t.

JASKIER

No, indeed! Such a tricky little trickster. Geralt, I really don’t think I’m getting a good enough view from here…

CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF THE ARCHESPORE. THE CAMERA PANS OVER THE VARIOUS PARTS OF THE PLANT, VERY SLOWLY.

GERALT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

Vines. Leaves. Bit like moss on the stem there.

SOMEONE SNORTS FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA, PRESUMABLY LAMBERT.

JASKIER (CALLS OUT FROM FURTHER AWAY)

Are there any patterns? Spots on the leaves?

GERALT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

If you’re noticing stuff like that, you’re too close, and the archespore has already attacked you.

LAMBERT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

Bit o’ a clue, that. (PAUSE) But to be fair, the more colorful ones kinda has patterns. No’ really what ya notice, in the wild, wi’ all the other colors n’ flowers n’ stuff.

GERALT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

Hmm.

JASKIER (CALLS OUT FROM FURTHER AWAY)

Do I get to see the more colorful ones?

GERALT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

No.

JASKIER (CALLS OUT FROM FURTHER AWAY)

But how will I know what to watch out for if I don’t know what they look like?

THE CAMERA TURNS CLUMSILY TO FOCUS ON GERALT. IT IS WAY TOO ZOOMED IN, HIS FACE FILLS THE WHOLE SCREEN. THE CAMERA OPERATOR SEEMS NOT TO NOTICE, OR POSSIBLY CARE.

GERALT

You can watch it on TV like everyone else. Isn’t that the whole point of the show? The children shouldn’t go out into the swamp and poke archespores, and you shouldn’t either.

THE CAMERA TURNS TO JASKIER. IT’S ZOOMED IN ENOUGH THAT HIS POUT CAN BE SEEN BEHIND THE PROTECTIVE FACE SHIELD OF THE HAZMAT SUIT. THEN HE APPEARS TO NOTICE THAT THE CAMERA IS ON HIM, AND STRAIGHTENS UP WITH A WIDE SMILE.

JASKIER

That’s very true! Sometimes adults are foolish, and think that just because they’re adults they can deal with all sorts of things that really need a professional. If all the lamps in your house start to blink, you need an electrician! If there’s a monster, you need a witcher!

LAMBERT (FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA, SOUNDING AMUSED)

Blinkin’ lights can be a witcher thing too. Spirits, stuff like that.

JASKIER

Really? I thought that was just a horror movie cliché. Geralt! Why didn’t you tell me that was a real thing?

THE CAMERA SWEEPS BACK TO GERALT, STOPPING WHEN HALF THE SCREEN IF FILLED BY HIS FACE AND HALF BY BLURRY BACKGROUND.

GERALT

Can we… one thing. One thing at the time. Arcepores. We can talk about spirits later.

LAMBERT LAUGHS FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA. HE MAKES A SOUND, LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE, AND THE CLIP ENDS ABRUPTLY.

THE CAMERA SWEEPS OVER NEW ARCHESPORES IN DIFFERENT COLORS, ZOOMING IN ON DIFFERENT DETAILS. THERE’S LOW, INSTRUMENTAL, DRAMATIC MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.

LAMBERT (VOICE OVER)

If you’re close enough the archespore can reach ya, it’ll chomp down.

THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO SHOW A STICK WITH A BALL ON THE END BEING THRUST IN FRONT OF A GREEN ARCHESPORE. THE BALL IS ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF AN ADULT HUMAN’S HEAD AND HAS A FACE DRAWN ON IT. THE ARCHESPORE REACHES OUT, QUICKLY, AND CLOSES ITS LEAVES AROUND THE BALL LIKE A MAW BITING DOWN.

GERALT (VOICE OVER)

If you’re further away, it can shoot out poison thorns at you. Or gas that burns your skin.

WE SEE A PURPLE ARCHESPORE SHOOT OUT SOMETHING SMALL AT A FABRIC DUMMY IN THE VAGUE SHAPE OF A PERSON. IT ALSO HAS A FACE DRAWN IN, WITH A FROWNY MOUTH. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO SHOW SEVERAL SPIKY THORNS STICKING INTO THE DUMMY’S CHEST AND STOMACH.

THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO A GREEN ARCHESPORE STICKING ITS HEAD DOWN INTO THE GROUND.

LAMBERT (SOUNDING CLOSE TO LAUGHTER)

Incoming!

GERALT (SERIOUS)

When an archespore sticks its head into the ground like this, it’s preparing to attack the place where you’re standing. You should move. Not just because the place you’re standing in is about to become very bad, but also because this is your chance to run, while you still can.

LAMBERT (SERIOUS AGAIN)

Yeah. It’s not chomping at ya, and you’re not too poisoned to stand. That’s a chance ya need to take.

BACK TO THE STUDIO. JASKIER AND GERALT ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE WALL LIKE BEFORE, BACK IN THE SAME CLOTHES AS IN THE BEGINNING. JASKIER IS NOW HOLDING A LUTE.

JASKIER

That was so exciting! Thank you, Lambert, for showing us your greenhouse and the archespore. I certainly learned a great deal.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

I don’t know about you, Geralt, but when I learn new things, it always helps me to remember them if I sing a song about it!

GERALT

Hm. (PAUSE) Mnemonic.

JASKIER

Oh! Yes. Children, mnemonic is a fancy word for things that makes it easier to remember something. Like rhymes, or songs, or… counting on your knuckles to remember how many days each month has.

GERALT

Jaskier sings a lot.

JASKIER

I do! Will you sing the Archespore Song with me, Geralt?

GERALT

No.

JASKIER

Aw, but you just said what a good mnemonic it was!

GERALT

Hm. Songs can be good for remembering. If children learn stuff from singing your songs, that’s good.

JASKIER

So you’ll sing?

GERALT

Children should also learn not to give in to peer pressure.

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER. JASKIER LOOKS BAFFLED, THEN CHAGRINED. GERALT LOOKS SMUG.

JASKIER (TO GERALT)

You… yeah, you know, that’s true.

JASKIER (TO THE CAMERA)

Remember that people are different, and enjoy different things. Just because I really love to sing, doesn’t mean that everyone else feels the same way. I shouldn’t try to force my best friend to sing if he doesn’t want to. So how about this? I’ll sing the Archespore Song, and everyone that wants to can join me. And if singing isn’t really your thing, you can just listen instead.

GERALT SMILES SOFTLY AT JASKIER, WHO STILL LOOKS AT THE CAMERA WHILE HE STRIKES THE FIRST CHORD AND STARTS TO SING.

A LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND. AN ANIMATED JASKIER WITH A LUTE DANCES AROUND SOME DIFFERENTLY COLORED ANIMATED ARCHESPORES, SINGING A CATCHY LITTLE SONG ABOUT ALL THE FACTS ABOUT THE MONSTER THE EPISODE HAS BROUGHT UP. THE LYRICS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN, AND GETS FILLED IN WITH COLOR LIKE ON KARAOKE.

END CREDITS AND CLOSING SONG ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE ABOUT LEARNING ABOUT MONSTERS AND LISTENING TO WITCHERS. THE TONE IS CHEERFUL AND THE MELODY INCREDIBLY CATCHY, EVEN ON THE LINES ABOUT SOME OF THE HORRIBLE WAYS MONSTERS KILL PEOPLE. IT ISN’T GRAPHIC ABOUT IT, AND CHILDREN MOSTLY FIND IT FUNNY RATHER THAN MORBID.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 2

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS: AN ARCHESPORE, A SELKIEMORE, A BROWN MYSTERY ANIMAL OF SOME SORT (PROBABLY DRAWN BY A QUITE YOUNG ARTIST) AND A UNICORN WITH A HORN THAT APPEARS TO BE COVERED IN BLOOD.

JASKIER IS WEARING A BRIGHT GREEN HOODIE WITH LITTLE FROG EYES ON THE HOOD, WHICH HE WEARS UP. HE HAS MATCHING GREEN NAIL POLISH. GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK TANK TOP, SILVER WOLF WITCHER MEDALLION AND BLACK NAIL POLISH.

JASKIER

Hi everyone! I’m Jaskier. This is my friend Geralt, a witcher of the wolf school.

GERALT

Hello.

JASKIER

We’re here to tell you about monsters. Or Geralt is, at least. I’m here to learn new things, just like you! And to make some music.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

But! Before we begin. Geralt, one of our friends at home wrote us a letter.

GERALT

Hm?

JASKIER

Yes indeed! Our first letter from a viewer.

JASKIER HOLDS UP A PAPER AND UNFOLDS IT.

JASKIER

This is from Ciri, who is eight years old and lives in Cintra. ”Dear Mr Jaskier and Mr Geralt. I really liked the Archespore Song.” Aw, thank you Ciri! I like it too. ”But my grandmother doesn’t like it when I sing it in the car.”

JASKIER APPEARS TO BE HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER. GERALT HAS A TINY SMILE.

JASKIER

”I have never seen a monster. Is it very scary to fight monsters? I get scared sometimes when I have to talk in school and everyone looks at me. Have you ever made friends with a monster?” (LOOKS UP) Well, Geralt? Is it scary to fight monsters?

GERALT

Hm. Sometimes.

JASKIER

How do you do it, even when you’re afraid? Do you have any tips?

GERALT

Train a lot. Make sure I have any potions I need. That my swords and armor are good.

JASKIER

So you prepare. For you that means knowing that you know how to fight the monster, and that you have everything you need to do so.

GERALT

A sharp sword won’t make it easier for Ciri to talk at school. (PAUSE) Probably.

JASKIER

I don’t think the school would like that very much. But there are other ways to prepare!

GERALT

Hm. Practice. I don’t… like to talk. Sometimes. Or people looking. But now I’m on TV.

JASKIER

You are, and you’re doing a marvelous job!

GERALT

Hm. Second question. Best friend is a monster.

JASKIER

Um? I’m… not?

GERALT SNORTS.

GERALT

Talking about Roach.

JASKIER

Oh! (LAUGHS) You know, I forget she’s a monster.

GERALT

She likes witchers and musicians.

JASKIER

Of course she does, she has excellent taste!

GERALT

You do remember brook horses eat children in the wild?

JASKIER (TO THE CAMERA, SUDDENLY INTENSE)

Yes, yes. And Roach doesn’t hurt anyone, because Geralt is a witcher, and very good at his job, and has trained her well. And he has a permit, which means permission from the goverment, to keep Roach as a pet.

GERALT (TO THE CAMERA)

If you are near a river or lake, and you see a beutiful horse by itself. And it seems important that you ride it right away. Like nothing else matters. That’s probably a brook horse that wants to drown and eat you.

JASKIER

Please don’t get drowned and eaten!

GERALT

Don’t get on its back.

JASKIER

Good advice! You know, Geralt, we’re supposed to pick monsters from the Bowl of Surprise. But I feel like we’re already on a roll with brook horses here. Could we talk about that instead? Maybe go visit Roach?

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

That, my friends, is a yes!

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND, WHITE TEXT. AN ANIMATED HORSE WALKS INTO FRAME. IT STARTS OUT WHITE, THEN CHANGES TO BROWN AND THEN BLACK. THE HORSE HAS LITTLE SPARKLES AROUND IT TO SUGGEST IT IS VERY PRETTY.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Brook horses are a kind of kelpie mostly found in the north, and near rivers or lakes. They look like normal horses to most people, but more beautiful than any normal horse. They often look white, but can appear to have any color. Sometimes two people will see the same brook horse in different colors. If you see them through a mirror or camera you will know what they really look like. And some people, like witchers and mages, can see through the glamor without help.

THE ANIMATED BROOK HORSE CHANGES. IT NOW APPEARS A BLUE-ISH GREEN WITH SEAWEED FOR MANE AND TAIL.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

If a brook horse is trying to trick you, you will want very badly to ride on it. And if there are more than one of you, you can all fit as the brook horse grows longer and longer. You won’t think it’s strange. It’s like how weird things seem normal in dreams.

MULTIPLE ANIMATED CHILDREN APPEAR ON THE BACK OF THE BROOK HORSE, ONE BY ONE, AS TRISS TALKS. FOR EACH CHILD THE BACK OF THE BROOK HORSE GROWS LONGER UNTIL IT STRETCHES MOST OF THE WAY ACROSS THE SCREEN.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

And then, when the brook horse has everyone it wants on its back, it will run to the water. And the riders will laugh rather than scream, because they won’t know that anything is wrong until the monster drowns them.

WE ARE IN A STABLE. IT IS LIGHT AND AIRY, VERY CLEAN AND ORGANIZED. THERE ARE HORSES IN BOXES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE MID PATH THAT JASKIER AND GERALT ARE IN.

JASKIER IS WEARING JEANS OVERALLS OVER A RED T-SHIRT AND BLACK, KNEE HIGH RIDING BOOTS.

GERALT IS WEARING BLACK RIDING PANTS, SHORT BLACK RIDING BOOTS AND A BLACK LONG-SLEEVED SHIRT. HE IS ALSO STILL WEARING HIS WITCHER MEDALLION, BUT THAT IS NOT CURRENTLY VISIBLE AS HE HAS HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA. HE CARRIES A BLACK RIDING HELMET.

BOTH JASKIER AND GERALT ARE WALKING DOWN THE ALLEY. THE CAMERA IS FOLLOWING THEM.

JASKIER

So, Gerald. How long have you had Roach?

GERALT

Hm. ’Bout sixty years.

JASKIER TURNS TO WALK BACKWARDS, STAGE WHISPERING TO THE CAMERA.

JASKIER

Witchers get old. Much older than humans. Geralt must be a at least a thousand!

GERALT

You know how old I am. You keep better track of my birthday than I do.

JASKIER

Two thousand!

GERALT SNORTS.

GERALT

More like a hundred and twenty. Hundred and thirty, maybe.

JASKIER (SINGING)

There once was a witcher, so very, veeery oooold…

JASKIER TRIPS. GERALT CATCHES HIM. BOTH STOP.

GERALT

When children start asking their mothers if they are very, very old I’m blaming you.

JASKIER FLAILS, GETTING TO HIS FEET.

JASKIER

Your mothers aren’t old, children! They are young, and- and pretty as princesses, and you should tell them so! Or your fathers. Or anyone else that takes care of you.

GERALT

Their fathers are pretty as princesses?

JASKIER

Sure! Oh, look, here’s Roach!

THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO A BROOK HORSE IN A BOX. ROACH LOOKS A LOT LIKE A LIGHT GREEN HORSE WITH DARK GREEN, SEAWEED-LIKE MANE. HER EYES ARE COMPLETELY BLACK.

GERALT COMES UP AND PETS ROACH. SHE APPEARS TO LIKE IT.

JASKIER COMES INTO FRAME AS WELL. HE CAREFULLY HOLDS OUT A HAND TO ROACH. SHE SNIFFS HIM, THEN GOES BACK TO NUZZLING GERALT.

JASKIER

She looks brown to me. I know you at home can see what she really looks like, because the glamor doesn’t work on camera, but I promise she really does look brown when I look at her.

ROACH BARES HER TEETH AT JASKIER. THEY ARE SHARP, NOTHING LIKE A HORSE’S TEETH AT ALL. JASKIER LAUGHS.

JASKIER

Don’t worry, darling. You’re always beautiful, with or without a silly glamor.

GERALT

She is.

(((Roach actually looks rather terrifying. I won’t go as far as calling her ugly, because insulting a witcher’s horse seems like a bad idea, but she’s not what I would call a traditionally beautiful animal.)))

(((To be extra, super clear: I’m not suggesting that Roach has Geralt or Jaskier under a spell or something. I, as a humble transcriber and fan, am suggesting that they’re dorks with a soft spot for Geralt’s pet.)))

CUT TO RIDING STABLES. GERALT IS STANDING BY ROACH, SCRATCHING AT HER FACE. JASKIER IS MAYBE AN ARM-LENGTH AWAY. ROACH DOES NOT HAVE A SADDLE OR ANY KIND OF GEAR ON, BUT GERALT WEARS A HELMET.

JASKIER

So, Geralt. If this was a wild brook horse rather than the lovely Roach, and she had me under her spell. How would I get away?

GERALT

You wouldn’t.

JASKIER

Oh. Um. What are we teaching the children, then?

GERALT

Not to go near the water alone. What to do if your friend gets charmed, and you don’t.

JASKIER

Oh! Do I get to play the victim?

GERALT

As the one of us who actually could get charmed by a brook horse, no, you do not.

JASKIER POUTS.

JASKIER

Wait, so I’m the hero? That’s pretty cool!

CLOSE UP OF GERALT.

GERALT

There are people who don’t fall under the charm. Witchers, most mages, elves. Humans with elven ancestors sometimes. But it can just be luck too. Or being older. A teenager or adult is less likely to get charmed than a younger child. (PAUSE) If you aren’t charmed at all. If you can see what the brook horse looks like, and you don’t want to ride it even a little. You can try to help.

CUT TO WIDE SCREEN. GERALT AND JASKIER ARE STANDING BESIDE EACH OTHER, A FEW METERS FROM ROACH. SHE IS LOOKING OFF IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.

GERALT

You and I are friends.

JASKIER

Yes, we are! Best friends!

GERALT

We are children. Playing near a river.

JASKIER

Oh, okay. I’m getting into character. (IN A HIGHER PITCH) Wow, it’s such a beautiful day! And I’m so good at hide-and-seek, I can’t believe I won three times in a row!

SILENCE. GERALT AND JASKIER STARE AT EACH OTHER. GERALT SIGHS.

GERALT (A TINY BIT HIGHER THAN HIS NORMAL GRUFF TONES, BUT STILL LOWER THAN JASKIER’S NORMAL VOICE)

Yes. Very impressive.

GERALT WHISTLES. ROACH LOOKS OVER AT HIM AND TAKES A STEP CLOSER.

GERALT (DREAMILY)

What a beautiful horse.

JASKIER (HIGH PITCHED)

Don’t be tricked! That’s a monster. I can see through her dastardly disguise.

GERALT STEPS CLOSER TO ROACH. SHE STEPS CLOSER TO HIM.

JASKIER (HIGH PICTHED, BUT WAVERING A LITTLE)

Oh no. No! Bad witcher! I mean, child. Friend. Boy. Don’t go with the evil spirit!

JASKIER TRIES TO GRAB GERALT’S ARM. HE SHAKES IT OFF AND KEEPS WALKING.

JASKIER RUNS IN FRONT OF GERALT, PUTTING HIMSELF BETWEEN GERALT AND ROACH WITH HIS BACK TO HER.

JASKIER (NO LONGER IN A HIGH PITCH, STARTING TO SOUND ACTUALLY WORRIED)

Geralt! Listen to me!

GERALT STOPS.

CUT TO JASKIER AND GERALT STANDING BY THE STABLE WALL. ROACH IS NOT IN FRAME. GERALT ISN’T WEARING THE HELMET ANYMORE.

JASKIER

So. Was I terrible?

GERALT

Hm. No. Getting in between the brook horse and the victim is bad. It can still kick or bite you, just to get you out of the way. But trying to grab the victim is good. Pulling them away. Saying their name. Sometimes people snap out of it when they hear someone call their name.

JASKIER

What else could I have done?

GERALT

Scream for help. Hope that an adult hears you and comes over.

JASKIER

What if they get charmed too?

GERALT

Probably won’t. Easier not to get charmed if someone is already yelling about monsters. Especially for adults.

JASKIER

Alright. And an adult would be stronger, so they could physically drag a child away from the brook horse.

GERALT

Hm. You want to stop it before the victim is on the back of the horse.

JASKIER

…And if it’s too late for that?

GERALT

You need a witcher. Or a mage. And enough time to get one. A distraction.

JASKIER

I’ve always been told I’m good at being distracting!

GERALT SMIRKS.

GERALT

Brook horses like music.

JASKIER SMILES SO WIDE IT LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS.

CUT TO GERALT ON TOP OF ROACH. HE IS WEARING THE HELMET.

JASKIER IS STANDING ON THE GROUND, A FEW METERS AWAY FROM ROACH.

FURTHER BACK THERE IS A LARGE, METAL CAN WITH A LID. LAMBERT IS STANDING NEXT TO THE CAN.

GERALT

Roach isn’t trying to get to water and drown me. So we got something else she will want. And Jaskier will try to keep her distracted as long as possible.

JASKIER

This will be the best serenade you have ever heard, my lady Roach, never fear!

GERALT

Hm. Lambert.

CUT TO LAMBERT REMOVING THE LID. THE CAN COMES UP TO HIS HIPS AND IS FILLED WITH RAW MEAT.

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF ROACH’S EARS TWITCHING. THE TERRIFYING HORSE MONSTER WANTS THE MEAT.

AND WE’RE IN A WIDE SHOT AGAIN. ROACH STARTS TO TURN TOWARDS THE TASTY, TASTY MEAT.

JASKIER STARTS TO SING. IT’S A SONG ABOUT ROACH AND GERALT, AND SOUNDS A BIT MORE LIKE A BALLAD THAN THE CHEERFUL CHILDREN’S SONGS JASKIER USUALLY WRITES FOR THE SHOW. IT IS UNCLEAR IF HE IS MODIFYING AN EXISTING SONG, ALREADY HAD A SONG ABOUT GERALT AND HIS PET MONSTER WRITTEN OR IF HE IS MAKING IT UP ON THE SPOT.

ROACH SEEMS INTERESTED IN THE SONG, BUT STILL MOVES TOWARDS THE MEAT.

JASKIER SINGS LOUDER AND WITH MORE PASSION.

ROACH STOPS. FLICKS HER EARS. KEEPS MOVING TOWARDS THE MEAT.

JASKIER STARTS TO GET IN FRONT OF ROACH.

GERALT (SHARPLY)

No, Jaskier! Don’t get in her way.

JASKIER MOVES ASIDE. HE LOSES HIS PLACE IN THE SONG.

ROACH SETS OFF AT A GALLOP.

JASKIER

No, wait!

JASKIER TRIES TO GET BACK INTO THE SONG.

ROACH REACHES THE BARREL AND STICKS HER HEAD IN IT. THERE ARE SOME DISGUSTING EATING NOISES.

JASKIER STOPS SINGING, LOOKING DEVASTATED.

JASKIER

I didn’t save you with my song!

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF GERALT ON ROACH’S BACK.

GERALT

It was never gonna make her stop. You tried to win time for someone who could actually do something to get there. Usually it’s just not possible to get enough time. But sometimes it is, if help is close by.

WIDESCREEN.

JASKIER

So really the problem was Lambert, the witcher who just stood by and did nothing.

LAMBERT

Hey!

GERALT

Lambert isn’t here in this scenario. A witcher will always try to get there in time.

JASKIER

I know.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO. JASKIER AND GERALT ARE BY THE WALL. THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS IN THE STABLES, NOT THE ONES FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE. GERALT IS NO LONGER WEARING HIS HELMET. JASKIER IS HOLDING HIS LUTE.

JASKIER (VERY SERIOUSLY, LOOKING AT THE CAMERA)

I joked about Lambert before, because he is my friend. But in real life, when something terrible happens, and someone who might have been able to help is late - a witcher, an ambulance, whoever or whatever it might be - sometimes it’s easy to get angry. To blame the person for not getting there faster, or think that they just didn’t try hard enough. But I promise you, they did try. They’re always trying.

GERALT

Hm. Bad things happen. It’s unfair. We try to stop it. But sometimes it’s not enough.

JASKIER

I tried to distract Roach with my song. And it worked a little, but not enough. If that was a real situation, Geralt would have been lost. And that would be… horrible. An absolute nightmare. And it would feel like it was my fault, for not singing well enough. But it wouldn’t be my fault.

GERALT VISIBLY HESITATES. JASKIER TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM. GERALT CONTINUES TO LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

GERALT

If that was real. What’s more likely is that you, one of you at home (GESTURES TO THE CAMERA) might see through the glamor a bit, and know that something is wrong. You can resist the pull to get on the horse. But you can still feel it.

JASKIER

Right. And what should you do, in that situation?

GERALT

Run. Fast as you can. Away from the brook horse and the water.

JASKIER

What about trying to save my friend?

GERALT

If you stay it will take you too. And then no-one will even know what happend. Just that people disappeared by the river.

JASKIER

Oh.

GERALT

They might think it was drowners and call a witcher. But they might not realize it was a monster at all. Until it takes more people. More and more, without witnesses.

JASKIER

That’s terrible.

GERALT

Hm. Running can feel wrong. Cowardly. It’s not. Saves people. And even if it didn’t, it would still save you.

JASKIER (SOFTLY, WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES)

And you’re a person, too. You deserve to be saved.

THERE’S A CUT. WE’RE STILL IN THE STUDIO, BUT JASKIER NO LONGER SEEMS ABOUT TO CRY.

JASKIER

That was a bit sadder than I expected. But important. And sometimes we need to talk about the sad, important things.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

My happy little song about brook horses doesn’t seem as fitting now.

GERALT

You should sing. And be happy. People think, sometimes, that the sad should... Hm. Cancel out the…

JASKIER

The happiness? The joys of life?

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

Well, my friend. Then I shall sing and be happy. And maybe my singing couldn’t stop a brook horse, but it could teach some facts about what they are like!

JASKIER STARTS TO PLAY.

WE SEE A LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND AND AN ANIMATED BROOK HORSE (IN ITS BROOK HORSE FORM) RUNS AROUND WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE ON ITS UNNATURALLY LONG BACK. FOR EACH TIME IT RUNS ACROSS THE SCREEN THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE. BUT AT THE END OF THE SONG, AN ANIMATED WITCHER APPEARS. IT’S NOT GERALT OR ANY PARTICULAR WITCHER WE HAVE SEEN SO FAR, BUT IT CUTS OFF THE BROOK HORSE’S HEAD. THE VICTIMS DANCE. THERE’S NO BLOOD, THE BEHEADING IS DELIBERATELY AS NON-GRAPHIC AND CHILD-FRIENDLY AS POSSIBLE.

(((But honestly, as someone who has been around children, they love gore. My niblings sends their dolls to the guillotine. It's usually parents and TV people who are worried, rather than the kids.)))

THE SONG IS UP-BEAT, IF SLIGHTLY LESS CATCHY THAN SOME OF THE OTHERS FROM THE SHOW. IT REPEATS SEVERAL TIMES THAT ROACH IS GREAT BUT THAT NOT ALL BROOK HORSES ARE AS NICE AS HER.

END CREDITS AND CLOSING SONG.

(((To step out of the shoes of the semi-professional transcriber for a moment. This was the episode that made the show explode on the internet, and it was how I - and many others - was introduced to it.

My first exposure was seeing clips of Geralt and Jaskier talking about how it isn’t wrong to run away to save yourself, shared by people who had had to do things like that. People who were opening up about that trauma, some of them for the first time, because of this message in a show meant to give kids some basic monster safety education.

(I also saw a lot of tags calling Geralt ”the number one hot monster horse girl”, and memes about taking Emotional Support Swords to class. But then, that’s the internet for you.)

This was only the second episode of the first season. The show was very much still finding its feet. And sometimes I wonder what might have happened if the big break came a bit later, because it seems like the TV network suddenly realized that people were actually watching the show, and started to poke their fingers in more. It meant a higher budget, but alas, no more extreme close-ups of Geralt’s face like in the first episode. I guess you can’t have everything.)))

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 3

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS: A DRAGON, A SPIDER OF SOME SORT, TWO MERFOLK HOLDING HANDS AND A (CLEARLY NAMED) PORTRAIT OF ROACH AND GERALT.

JASKIER IS WEARING A BRIGHT PINK BUTTON-UP WITH SHORT SLEEVES AND PURPLE HEART-SHAPED BUTTONS. HE IS WEARING TWO HAIR CLIPS, EACH WITH THREE SMALL POM-POMS IN PASTEL PINK, PURPLE AND YELLOW.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH A FADED LIGHT GRAY PRINT, THE TOP OF MIGHT SAY “KAER MORHEN”. HE ALSO WEARS HIS SILVER WOLF WITCHER MEDALLION. PART OF HIS HAIR IS IN A SMALL BUN JUST VISIBLE AT THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, THE REST HANGS LOOSE.

JASKIER

Welcome back! I’m Jaskier.

GERALT

Geralt.

JASKIER

He’s a witcher. Experts at monsters. And I love to learn!

GERALT

Love to talk too.

JASKIER

That I do! And I’m sure many of our friends at home love to talk-talk-talk as well. While others are more like Geralt, and a bit shy.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

People are different, and isn’t that great? It would be so boring if everyone were the same.

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

And Geralt, guess what?

GERALT

What.

JASKIER

We have a letter! Or you do, since it’s specifically to you. From Alvin in Temeria. Do you want to read it, Geralt?

GERALT

Hm.

GERALT PICKS UP THE LETTER AND BEGINS TO READ.

GERALT

“Hello Geralt. It’s really cool that you’re a witcher and get to fight monsters and help people. I want to help people too. When I grow up I want to be a witcher. Or a knight. My foster mom says witchers have ugly eyes.”

JASKIER

She’s wrong!

GERALT

“But I think they’re cool. How do they become like that? Or are you born with gold eyes? Is that why you become witchers? I wish I had cool gold eyes. Mine are green. Normal and boring.”

JASKIER

Geralt’s eyes are very cool. But green isn’t boring. All eyes are beautiful and special in their own way.

GERALT

Hm. My eyes were green, once.

JASKIER

Really? I didn’t know that. I mean, I knew they got their pretty golden color from the witcherification, but I never really thought about what they looked like before.

GERALT

Witcherification.

JASKIER

Witcherficication!

GERALT SIGHS.

GERALT

No, I wasn’t born with golden eyes. There’s a… ritual. To become a witcher. Changes a lot of things. (PAUSE) And no. Becoming a witcher isn’t like picking a job, or a school, or a hobby. It’s not something you can just decide to do. Very complicated. Dangerous. The mutagenes… Hm.

JASKIER (SERIOUS)

The things that make a human into a witcher are called mutagens. There are a lot of rules saying who can use them, and how, and when. Because bad people have tried to do bad, bad things with them. And no-one wants that to happen again.

GERALT NODS.

CUT TO STILL IN THE STUDIO, BUT NOW WITH THE BOWL OF SURPRISE.

JASKIER

Time to find out what creature we’re learning about today! Do you want to draw our monster, Geralt?

GERALT

Your turn.

JASKIER

Alright! How exciting!

JASKIER CLOSES HIS EYES AND DRAMATICALLY FEELS FOR THE BOWL. HE KEEPS GOING MORE AND MORE WRONG, PRESUMABLY ON PURPOSE. THERE’S A DRUMROLL SOUND EFFECT.

GERALT SIGHS, BUT SMILES, AND HELPS GUIDE JASKIER’S HAND TO THE BOWL.

JASKIER DRAWS A PIECE OF PAPER WITH A DRAMATIC FLOURISH. HE OPENS HIS EYES.

JASKIER

Let’s see! What do we have? Ooh! “Armored hound.” What’s an armored hound, Geralt?

GERALT STOPS SMILING.

GERALT

Means we’re talking more about mutagenes.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC WITH WHITE TEXT. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN THERE’S A CREATURE THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HAIRLESS RAT WITH A VERY SHORT TAIL, VERY SHARP TEETH AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF ARMOR THAN ANYTHING EVEN RESEMBLING A DOG.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

A long time ago there was a club of evil people called Salamandra. They stole some of the mutagenes meant to create witchers, and instead used them for evil experiments. The Salamandra were defeated, but some of their mutated creatures escaped into the wild. The armored hounds were among them. Later, an evil mage put a cloning spell on one of the hounds. Every full moon, it would split into two, unless it was put in a magic cage to stop the spell. And all the cloned hounds would also split in two on the next full moon. On and on it went. It is a lot of work trying to capture or kill all armored hounds, so that they don’t make enough copies of themselves to over-run everything around them.

CUT TO THE STUDIO. THE BOWL OF SURPRISE IS GONE AGAIN.

JASKIER

So basically, it’s a full-time job running around trying to get all the armored hounds?

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

That sounds very annoying.

GERALT

Hm. Dangerous. Not like when their masters controlled them, but bad enough. Especially in packs. A witcher can deal with them, but they’re very dangerous to humans. Elves and dwarves and such as well.

JASKIER

Because witchers are trained to fight them. And they have armor and weapons and magic.

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

So what should I or one of our friends at home do, if we see an armored hound?

GERALT

Get in a house if you can. Or car. Lock the doors. Call for a witcher.

JASKIER

Children, do you remember the emergency number? Where you call if you need an ambulance, the firetruck, the police and so on. Say it with me: 1-1-2! And again: 1-1-2! I like to remember it by thinking that I have two eyes, one nose and one mouth!

JASKIER POINTS AT THE VARIOUS PARTS OF HIS FACE AS HE SPEAKS.

JASKIER

The emergency people can send out witchers, too. Or mages. It’s a very important number to remember! Do you remember the emergency number, Geralt?

GERALT (DEADPAN)

1-1-2.

JASKIER

Excellent! Please go on. Hiding in a house or car.

GERALT

Hm. Sitting in a car can be scary. The hounds feel close. Thin walls, windows. The hounds circling around, making a lot of noise. But they hate steel, so they’ll usually leave pretty quick.

JASKIER

Right, that’s useful! But if I'm in the woods, or something like that. What do I do then?

GERALT

Climb a tree. Or a very big rock. Hounds don’t climb good.

JASKIER

And stay up there until they go away?

GERALT

Hm. Can take a day. More. If you have a phone, call us.

JASKIER

1-1-2!

GERALT

But the hounds will leave after a day or two if you have to wait ‘em out.

JASKIER

Two days in a tree sounds unpleasant.

GERALT

Better than being eaten.

JASKIER

Much! Alright. So I get inside a house or car if I can. Or climb something high. And then I call for help - 1-1-2 - or if I need to I wait for the hounds to get bored and leave on their own.

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

What about if it’s the full moon? Are they extra dangerous?

GERALT

They get twice as many. But otherwise, no. Sometimes they see each other as two different packs, the new and old. Start fighting. They’re not very smart.

JASKIER

Huh. Is that an opportunity to sneak away, while they’re distracted fighting each other?

GERALT (GLARES)

No. Stay in your safe place.

JASKIER

Alright, alright! Is there anything else I should keep in mind?

GERALT

Hm. Count ‘em. Tell the witcher how many hounds are in the pack.

JASKIER

So they know what to prepare for.

GERALT

And that they got everyone, if they leave before the witcher gets there and have to be tracked down.

JASKIER

Oh. That’s useful, yes. And another reason to practice counting at home!

GERALT

If you don’t know how many hounds, just say so. Counting can be hard. You’re scared, the hounds move. Hard to concentrate.

JASKIER

Good point! It’s okay to say that you don’t know. No-one will get mad at you. (PAUSE) So Geralt, how do we find an armored hound to show everyone?

GERALT

Hm. Might know a place.

CUT TO AN OUTSIDE VIEW OF A CONCRETE BUILDING WITH A SIGN THAT READS “AEDD GYNVAEL MAGICAL RESEARCH CENTER”. GERALT AND JASKIER ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.

JASKIER IS WEARING LIGHT BLUE JEANS, A BRIGHT YELLOW T-SHIRT WITH A LARGE PINK MUSIC NOTE ON IT AND HEART-SHAPED GLASSES.

GERALT IS IN TRADITIONAL BLACK WITCHER ARMOR, WITH A SINGLE SWORD ON HIS BACK AND HIS MEDALLION AROUND HIS THROAT.

JASKIER

We’re here to meet someone who is trying to fix the cloning spell, so the hounds stop doubling themselves. He’ll talk a bit about that, and show us one of the hounds they have. It’s in a magic cage, so it can’t copy itself or hurt anyone.

GERALT

Istredd’s a mage. Research type. Likes to learn.

ISTREDD (FROM OUT OF FRAME)

There’s a bit more to it than that, my old friend.

THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO ISTREDD. HE APPEARS TO BE A YOUNG, HUMAN MAN (BUT WITH MAGES APPARENT AGE IS OFTEN MISLEADING) WITH BROWN HAIR AND A BEARD. HE’S WEARING A WHITE LAB COAT.

ISTREDD

When I first met Geralt, I wanted to study archeology.

JASKIER (FROM OUT OF FRAME)

An archeologist is someone who looks at very, very old things and tries to learn from them. Often they dig the old things out of the ground.

ISTREDD

Just so. I was a bit of a history nerd. It wasn’t until later I… changed focus.

WIDESCREEN.

GERALT

Still say you’re blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault.

JASKIER LOOKS BETWEEN GERALT AND ISTREDD, CONFUSED.

ISTREDD

It doesn’t have to be my fault for me to want to change it.

CUT TO INSIDE AN OFFICE. THERE’S A DESK WITH A COMPUTER. TWO WALLS LINED WITH BOOKSHELVES.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON A GALLERY WALL OF PHOTOS BEHIND THE DESK. ISTREDD IS IN ALL OF THEM, LOOKING MUCH THE SAME AGE, BUT THE FASHION AND QUALITY OF THE PHOTOS INDICATE THAT THEY HAVE BEEN TAKEN DURING DIFFERENT POINTS OF THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS OR SO.

(((People who are familiar with later episodes will recognize some of the mages in the pictures, particularly Yennefer and Triss.)))

THE CAMERA STOPS ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE ONE OF THE OLDER PICTURES, IN BLACK AND WHITE. IT SHOWS ISTREDD IN A WRINKLED, OLD-FASHIONED SUIT, AND WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MAN IN TRADITIONAL KOVIRI MAGE ROBES WHO HAS AN ARM OVER ISTREDD’S SHOULDERS.

ISTREDD (VOICE OVER)

When I was young, and had just finished magic school, I met a mage called Stregobor. He became one of my mentors. I looked up to him. Until one day I found out he had been the one to cast the cloning spell on the armored hounds. No-one even knows why he did it. There shouldn’t have been any reason, he had nothing to gain from it.

CUT TO ISTREDD, SITTING IN A CHAIR IN THE CORNER OF HIS OFFICE.

ISTREDD

I told the witchers what Stregobor had done. They arrested him, and found out he had done other bad things as well. He’s in prison now, and his master mage title was taken away. I still have that picture on my wall. Not because I like Stregobor, I really don’t. But I want to remember that I trusted him just because he was a mage, and a master. And now I have earned my own master title. There will be people hearing that, and thinking it means I’m wise and kind and trustworthy. So I do my best to be… worthy. Of that trust. The way Stregobor wasn’t.

ISTREDD SITS UP A BIT STRAIGHTER AND SMIRKS.

ISTREDD

And one day I’ll figure out how to reverse his stupid cloning spell, just to ruin whatever evil plan got into his mean little head.

HIS TONE SUGGESTS THAT IF THIS WASN’T A CHILDREN’S PROGRAM HE WOULD BE USING WORDS QUITE A LOT STRONGER.

CUT TO A BRIGHT, STERILE-LOOKING ROOM.

ISTREDD IS STANDING TO THE LEFT, HOLDING A CLIPBOARD. GERALT AND JASKER IS STANDING TO THE RIGHT, WITH GERALT SLIGHTLY INBETWEEN JASKIER AND THE CAGED MONSTER.

IN THE MIDDLE IS A LARGE CAGE. IT HAS THICK GOLDEN BARS THAT GO IN BOTH DIRECTIONS AND APPEAR TO GLOW SLIGHTLY. IT LOOKS LIKE THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR GOING AROUND THE CAGE, POSSIBLY MAGICAL SYMBOLS, THE ANGLE MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO TELL. THE CAGE IS ABOUT AS TALL AS GERALT, AND MAYBE A FIVE METERS ACROSS.

(((I know the size of the cage has been the topic of some debate. I don’t really feel comfortable waying in on whether monsters should be protected by animal abuse laws, or if it’s ethically wrong to use animals in labs. Just, if you have strong opinions about it, my page isn’t the right place to hash that out. I just want to write a transcript of this one children’s show, not play host to a political something or other. Okay? Thank you.)))

INSIDE THE CAGE THE MONSTER IS PACING BACK AND FORTH, SOMETIMES SNARLING OR GROWLING.

THE HOUND IS GRAYISH-RED WITH A LOT OF VERY LARGE, VERY SHARP TEETH. IT’S MUCH LARGER THAN A DOG SHOULD BE, IT'S HARD TO TELL AN EXACT SIZE BUT ITS BACK MIGHT COME UP TO ABOUT GERALT’S WAIST. THE ARMOR COVERING IT IS DARK, WITH ONLY JUST ENOUGH SHINE TO LOOK LIKE METAL.

JASKIER

Oh, wow, what an ugly little beastie! Is the armor like, part of it? Or do you give it to them?

ISTREDD

It is metall, but it is already on when a new hound is cloned, and it can’t be taken off. We aren’t sure if the first ones, before the spell, just wore their armor or if it was a part of their bodies as well.

GERALT

Hm. Witcher journals from the time say it couldn’t be removed. Weren’t sure if it was fused on or grew out of them.

ISTREDD

Fascinating! Could I get the chance to read those journals?

GERALT

You haven’t already? You’re working on fixing a witcher problem. Giving us less monsters to deal with. And getting rid of stuff from the Salamandra. There’s still witchers alive who have nightmares about it. Old ones, but around. Some of ‘em fought the armored hounds, before the spell.

ISTREDD

Oh!

JASKIER

You should talk to the schools, after the show. (TO THE CAMERA) Working together and helping each other can make many problems much easier and more fun to solve!

ISTREDD (OVERWHELMED)

Thank you, I will.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT. THERE ARE ANIMATIONS OF LITTLE BOOKS ALL AROUND THE EDGES, OPENING AND CLOSING.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Witchers can live for a long time, and see a lot of things. Many of them write journals, like a diary, about monsters they have faced. Others write books about monsters in general, or alchemy, or other things. Each of the witcher schools have libraries. But it’s not like a normal library, where almost anyone can get a library card and borrow a book. Many of the witcher books are very old and fragile, or about secret things. You need special permission to read them. Like how you shouldn’t read someone’s diary without asking. But many other witcher books aren’t secret, and you can find a copy of them in normal libraries or bookstores or on the witcher school’s website. But it’s mostly really thick sciency books, not much written for children.

AND WE’RE BACK IN THE LAB.

ISTREDD

Wait until it comes around, and watch the curved piece that goes between the front legs, towards the stomach.

THE BEAST TURNS.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN AND FREEZES, SHOWING A ROW OF SYMBOLS RUNNING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARMOR PIECE. THEY ARE HARD TO READ, EVEN ZOOMED IN, AND GLOW IN VARIOUS TONES OF BLUE AND PURPLE.

ISTREDD (OUT OF FRAME)

Those are variants of the moon rune, the glyph of binding, and a third symbol that doesn’t look like anything else I or my colleagues have seen.

WE ZOOM BACK OUT AGAIN AND UNFREEZE.

GERALT

Hm. Armored hounds don’t bleed a lot. A glyph of binding could help them with that, maybe. But moon runes don’t work like that.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT. THERE ARE RUNES AND SYMBOLS IN DIFFERENT COLORS DANCING AROUND THE BOTTOM OF THE FRAME.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

A rune or glyph is a symbol, often a letter from an old alphabet, that can have magic put into it. Mages and witchers both use them. They can do different things. For example, the moon rune (SAID RUNE BECOMES BIGGER) is often used to make a witcher’s silver sword better. Then, a monster that is weak against silver gets hurt more by the sword. But the armored hounds are trying to eat people, especially humans, not fight anything with a silver weakness. If their favorite meal was werewolves or ghouls, it might have made more sense.

BACK IN THE LAB.

ISTREDD (EXCITED)

It’s not the normal symbols. I think the moon rune was meant to ensure that the cloning happened at full moons, specifically. If a glyph of binding meant they got harder to kill, then maybe that was the goal. Or it was supposed to bind them to the ritual itself. Or something else entirely. We don’t know, I and the other mages trying to solve the mystery. We have no idea!

JASKIER (TO THE CAMERA)

Scientists are always curious and trying to figure things out. It’s a bit like doing a puzzle book, but there’s no answer key in the back, because no-one knows the answer yet.

ISTREDD LOOKS A BIT SHEEPISH, LIKE HE’S EMBARRASSED BY GETTING TOO EAGER.

ISTREDD

Um, so, the symbols are part of the spell. We have tried to scratch them off to see if that did anything, but it didn’t work. But it means that you can look at an armored hound and tell if it’s a clone, or one of the original ones.

GERALT

Hm. The first ones should be gone. Hunted down a long time ago. And they used to age. Not like the clones, frozen in time.

JASKIER

Frozen in time? Very poetic, Geralt! And thank you, Istredd, for showing us something so interesting!

ISTREDD

You’re very welcome.

CUT TO THE STUDIO.

GERALT AND JASKIER ARE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES THAT THEY DID IN THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE, BUT JASKIER HAS PUT ON THE HEART-SHAPED GLASSES AND IS HOLDING HIS LUTE.

JASKIER

Wasn’t that amazing? I learned so much!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And I think it’s time for the Bad Puppy Song!

GERALT

No.

JASKIER

Fine, fine. This is the Armored Hound Song.

GERALT

Hmm.

JASKIER

About some terrifying, evil puppies.

GERALT SIGHS. JASKIER SMILES, AND STRIKES THE FIRST CHORD.

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND. AN ANIMATED JASKIER WITH A LUTE DANCES AND SINGS. AN ANIMATED ARMORED HOUND COMES INTO FRAME, GOING TOWARDS JASKIER WHO APPEARS NOT TO NOTICE.

AN ANIMATED GERALT IN WITCHER ARMOR FALLS IN FROM THE TOP OF SCREEN, LANDS ON THE HOUND AND DRAMATICALLY FIGHTS IT TO THE DEATH.

THE ANIMATED JASKIER DOESN’T REACT TO THE FIGHT AT ALL, UNTIL THE END OF THE SONG WHEN HE LOOKS AT GERALT AND THE DEAD HOUND, AND MAKES A CARTOONISHLY SURPRISED FACE.

THE ARMORED HOUND SONG IS CHEERFUL, IF A BIT REPETITIVE. IT CALLS THE HOUNDS BAD PUPPIES SEVERAL TIMES, BUT ALSO REMINDS THE LISTENER OF ALL THE SAFETY ADVICE GIVEN IN THE EPISODE. IT ALSO FEATURES JASKIER DOING A HILARIOUSLY BAD IMITATION OF A HOWL, WHICH PARENTS EVERYWHERE ARE SURELY DELIGHTED BY THEIR CHILDREN COPYING.

END CREDITS (INCLUDING A SPECIAL THANKS TO ISTREDD AND THE AEDD GYNVAEL MAGICAL RESEARCH CENTER) AND CATCHY CLOSING SONG.

(((If you’re a fan of Jaskier’s music beyond the kid stuff, the album Living Legends that was released about a year after this episode features an almost painfully emotional ballad called What the Master Never Meant to Teach. It has been confirmed to be about Istredd feeling betrayed by the mentor he looked up to, and swearing never to fail anyone that looks up to him in a similar way. It’s one of my favorite songs from the album, I definitely recommend it. Especially if someone you admired has just been revealed as a terrible person and you want an outlet for that frustration.)))

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 4

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS: A VERY IMPRESSIVE ARMORED HOUND, A WITCHER WITH RED HAIR THAT MIGHT BE LAMBERT, A CHIMERA (((maybe??? it’s hard to tell. some kind of creature made up of different animals))) AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE AN OCTOPUS WITH VARIOUS WEAPONS IN EACH OF ITS HANDS.

(((Personally, I dearly hope that the last drawing is just a child’s imagination, because otherwise the time of our squid overlords will soon be upon us.)))

JASKIER IS WEARING A STRIPED LONG-SLEEVED SHIRT AND WHITE DENIM OVERALLS. THE STRIPES ON THE SHIRT ARE TWO DIFFERENT SHADES OF PURPLE. HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE HE JUST CAME IN FROM A WINDSTORM. HE’S SMILING LIKE HE’S IN A TOOTHPASTE COMMERCIAL.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION.

JASKIER

My friends! Welcome back! Are you excited to learn about monsters today? I know I am!

GERALT

He’s Jaskier. I’m Geralt.

JASKIER

Oh, thank you, I almost forgot! Very rude of me.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And for our new friends at home: Geralt is a witcher. That means he hunts monsters, and knows a lot about them. And I’m his best friend. I’m not a witcher, but I know a lot about music and sandwiches. We all have our different skills!

GERALT FROWNS.

GERALT

You know a lot about a lot of stuff.

JASKIER

And some of that is sandwich related! It’s not bad to have sandwich knowledge, Geralt. For example, when we went on a road-trip through Aedirn last year, you made sure we didn’t get eaten by monsters, and I made sure that we always had plenty of snacks. I even mixed those green algae drinks you like.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Personally, I don’t get how you can drink that. Or, okay, I do. Witchers have to drink some truly terrible potions, so I suppose you get used to it. But how you can actually like it…

JASKIER SHUDDERS DRAMATICALLY. GERALT SMIRKS.

GERALT

Aren’t you supposed to encourage the children to try new tastes? You should be setting a better example, Jaskier.

JASKIER NARROWS HIS EYES.

JASKIER

You should read this week’s letter, Geralt. I’ll be in the kitchen, mixing a green algae smoothie.

GERALT

You can’t actually have my drink. It has plants that would poison you.

JASKIER

And I’m obviously leaving those out. Read the letter, Geralt.

JASKIER STANDS AND WALKS OUT OF FRAME. GERALT LOOKS AFTER HIM.

CUT TO GERALT HOLDING THE LETTER. JASKIER IS STILL MISSING.

GERALT

“Dear Witcher Geralt. My name is Ada and I’m almost seven. My mom is helping me write this letter, because I’m not very good at writing yet.” Accepting help is good. “I like that you have a horse. Even if she is a monster. I want a horse too. But I can’t have any pets because I’m allergic. It makes me sad. Is there a magic spell to not be allergic anymore?”

GERALT LOOKS AT THE CAMERA. HE HAS A THOUGHTFUL EXPRESSION.

GERALT

Not a spell. Or not any that I know of. There are potions for that. But most of them you have to keep drinking. Every day, or every week, or month. It’s different. And some of the potions are expensive, or taste bad.

JASKIER (FROM OUT OF FRAME)

What’s that about tasting bad?

GERALT (LOOKING OFF TO THE SIDE, PRESUMABLY AT JASKIER)

Potions against allergies.

JASKIER WALKS INTO FRAME AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO GERALT. HE’S HOLDING A GLASS OF THICK, DARK GREEN LIQUID.

JASKIER

Some of those are disgusting, yes. Sort of like I imagine this will be. But more helpful.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Also, if you want to try a potion like that you need to talk to a healer first, so that you get one that’s right for you. And not, say, one that you’re also allergic too. Our friend Triss, who reads the little information things (JASKIER GESTURES WITH HIS GLASS, ALMOST SPILLING THE LIQUID) is allergic to almost all potions. It’s tricky to find ones that she can drink. But luckily she’s a skilled herbalist and mage, so she can make them herself rather than looking and looking and looking for things no store has.

GERALT

And you didn’t put anything in there that isn’t for humans?

JASKIER

It’s all safe, I promise. Even if it smells awful and will probably taste worse. But I’m a good role model, and trying things before I decide I don’t like them, so, you know. Cheers.

JASKIER HESITANTLY RAISES THE GLASS. HE TAKES A SMALL SIP, MAKES A FACE, AND TRIES A SLIGHTLY LONGER SIP.

JASKIER

I have tried it. It was disgusting. Please, finish this off for me.

JASKIER HANDS THE GLASS OVER TO GERALT, WHO TAKES A LONG DRINK AS IF TO PROVE HE CAN.

JASKIER

Is it Bowl of Surprise time? I feel like it’s Bowl of Surprise time. I’m ready to be surprised!

CUT TO THE BOWL OF SURPRISE BEING IN FRONT OF THEM. GERALT IS STILL HOLDING THE GLASS, IT IS NOW MORE EMPTY THAN BEFORE.

JASKIER

What will it be, what will it be?!

JASKIER PICKS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE BOWL AND SLOWLY UNFOLDS IT. DRAMATIC MUSIC.

JASKIER

Hym! What’s a hym, Geralt?

GERALT

Specter.

JASKIER

Like a ghost?

GERALT

Mm. Ghost and specter mean the same thing. Usually. It’s a category. There are many kinds of specters, like there are many kinds of vampires and draconids and so on.

JASKIER

Ooh. That’s cool!

GERALT

Lot of people think ghosts are all people who died, and then the spirit stayed.

JASKIER

Is that not the case?

GERALT SHAKES HIS HEAD.

GERALT

Some specters are like that. An echo of a person. Or a thing that happened. But not always. Some are other things.

JASKIER

Like what?

GERALT

Hyms are. Visitors? Travellers. They go between different spheres.

JASKIER

Spheres? Like Conjunction of the Spheres? Different worlds?

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Alright. So they… go between spheres. How?

GERALT

We don’t know. Something about not having bodies, maybe. Or not bodies the same way. But normal specters don’t do that. Could be that a specter from a sphere is tied there. And Hyms come from… between the spheres. Maybe.

JASKIER

Oh, wow. So they come here. And then what? What do they do?

GERALT

Lots of specters are tied to a place. House, graveyard, where they died. So on.

JASKIER

And they haunt that place.

GERALT

Sometimes they are tied to a person.

JASKIER

Like the stories where the victim follows their murder around to scream at them!

GERALT

Hyms are a bit like that. But not the victim.

JASKIER

They follow murderers around?

GERALT

Sometimes. Or people who have done other, very bad things.

JASKIER

So it’s like justice.

GERALT FROWNS.

GERALT

No. Before. Historically. People believed that hyms only latched onto very, very bad people. Because they feed on guilt. So people thought “they punish the guilty, anyone innocent is safe.”

JASKIER

But it wasn’t like that?

GERALT

They feed on guilt. Sometimes people feel guilty when they didn’t do anything wrong. And some bad people never feel guilty at all.

JASKIER

Oh. So it has nothing to do with what they did, it’s how they feel.

GERALT

Mm. (PAUSE) And if someone did the bad thing. A hym isn’t justice. It’s just a monster.

JASKIER

And just like it would be wrong to feed a criminal to a drowner, we can’t just let a hym have them.

GERALT NODS.

JASKIER

Alright. So the hym feeds on the guilty feelings. And then what happens?

GERALT

Nightmares. No sleep. Fear. Yelling at the air, saying sorry, saying they did it. Seeing things that isn’t there. Starting to hit themselves. Or others. Feeling like there are claws ripping at you.

JASKIER

Sounds scary!

GERALT

And then the victim dies.

JASKIER

They just… die?

GERALT

Mm. Lack of sleep. Stop eating. Heart-attacks from fear.

JASKIER

Oh.

GERALT

Legend says, hyms used to be very, very rare. And only came to bad people with so much to feel guilty about. But they’re more common now.

JASKIER

They’re common?!

GERALT

Still rare. But there’s more of them. Come to people with less guilt. Probably because the next Conjunction is getting closer.

JASKIER

I guess that makes sense. So there will be more of them in the future?

GERALT

Maybe.

JASKIER

How do we deal with them, then?

GERALT

Hm. That’s the good part.

JASKIER

Oh, thank you! Please tell me the good part!

GERALT

A lot of monsters. They see you, they attack you. They eat you. You die.

JASKIER

Yes. Oh! It’s fast. But a hym is much slower. There’s time to get help!

GERALT

Mm. A hym is a hard fight. But witchers can get rid of them. And as they get more common, we come up with better tactics.

JASKIER

That is good!

GERALT

Hyms are invisible, mostly. Long ago, it was very hard to know the problem was a hym. It’s still hard, sometimes. But healers get training on it, now. They have tests they can do. They figure out it’s a hym, they call witchers.

JASKIER

Oh. So if you have problems like that, you don’t need to think “how do I identify a hym and when do I call a witcher.” You just go to the hospital, or the local healer, and they help you.

GERALT

Mm. Or a mage. But if it’s something else, an illness. Which it usually is. Hospitals are better.

JASKIER

Alright. And what do you do if you think someone else might be haunted by a hym, but they don’t want to go to the healer and check it out?

GERALT

Hm. Talk to someone. A teacher maybe.

JASKIER

An adult you trust. (PAUSE) And one who knows you! Don’t write in to me and Geralt. It might seem like a good idea, especially since Geralt is a witcher. But we get a lot of letters, and sometimes it takes a long time to read them. If you need a witcher in a hurry, you should call 1-1-2. And if it’s not a super emergency, you can contact one of the witcher schools. They all have phone numbers and email addresses on their websites.

GERALT NODS.

JASKIER

So, Geralt. If this monster is invisible, and not super common. And you kill them - send them away? - when you find them. How can we show them on TV?

GERALT SHRUGS.

GERALT

Art maybe? They don’t show up in photographs, even when they’re visible for a moment. But people have made drawings of them.

JASKIER

Alright. That sounds good. And it doesn’t matter as much what they look like, because if you are haunted by one a healer will help you figure it out.

THERE’S A SLIDESHOW OF VARIOUS ART PIECES INSTEAD OF THE NORMAL INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND AND CUTE ANIMATIONS.

THE ART SHOWS DARK SHAPES, SOMETIMES SHAPED LIKE TALL MEN WITH SOME SORT OF ANTLER-LIKE HORNS. SOME OF THEM STRETCH OUT HANDS WITH VERY LONG FINGERS AND EVEN LONGER CLAWS.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Hyms are frightening creatures. But with the new tests healers can give, and specially trained witchers, there’s help to get. After being freed from a hym, the victim often feels tired and sick for a few weeks. They often keep having nightmares. Those are normal nightmares, not ones caused by the hym, but it can be scary and feel like the monster is coming back. If you feel like that, it helps to talk about it.

WE’RE BACK IN THE STUDIO.

GERALT

Sometimes. When someone is freed from the hym. They still feel really guilty. They think “if a hym found me, that must mean that I really am a terrible person.”

JASKIER

That must be hard.

GERALT

Sometimes another hym can find them. Because they have… traces. Of the first hym. And they still feel guilty.

JASKIER

Oh no!

GERALT

Most of the schools. Wolves, griffins, cats, manticores. We have a program. If we free you from a hym. And you’re worried another could come after you. You can put your name on a list. And we keep an eye on you for a while. Weeks, months. Years, sometimes. Until you aren’t worried anymore.

JASKIER

That’s amazing!

GERALT

Mm. Coën of the Griffins came up with it. Started the Griffin program. Most of us followed him.

JASKIER

Brilliant! I’ll have to bake him a cake.

GERALT

He likes strawberries.

CUT TO SHANI AND JASKIER STANDING IN FRONT OF A BEIGE WALL.

SHANI APPEARS TO BE A HUMAN WOMAN. SHE HAS DEEP RED HAIR IN A PIXIE CUT AND WEARS PALE GREEN HEALER ROBES.

JASKIER IS WEARING A LIGHT BLUE SHIRT WITH THIN, PINK STRIPES.

JASKIER

Everyone, this is Shani. She works as a medic, which is a type of healer.

SHANI

It can get confusing, can’t it, all the medical jobs? Some of them are for a healer who does something special, like a surgeon who does operations. I’m a medic, which means I do many different kinds of medicine, and that I don’t use magic.

JASKIER

And you have tested patients to see if they are haunted by a hym.

SHANI

I have, yes. There’s actually a few different ways to test for that. Some of them rely on magic spells. But one of the best ways is a blood test, which is what I use.

JASKIER

Does that mean big needles?

SHANI

It’s a very little needle. And it can still be scary, but it’s not dangerous. And you get a reward afterwards.

JASKIER

I do love rewards! Shani, my friend, will you do the test on me, so we can see what it looks like?

SHANI

Sure!

CUT TO JASKIER, LYING DOWN ON A MEDICAL COT, AND SHANI SITTING ON A CHAIR NEXT TO HIM.

SHANI (TO THE CAMERA)

Sometimes, if you’re scared of a needle, or if you get dizzy, it can be easier if you lie down. Then you don’t have to worry about fainting. And it can be easier to relax. (TO JASKIER) Can you roll up your sleeve, please?

JASKIER DOES SO.

JASKIER

Alright, I’m ready.

SHANI

Excellent! Now, breathe normally and relax as much as you can. You can close your eyes.

JASKIER CLOSES HIS EYES.

SHANI DRAWS BLOOD FROM HIS ARM.

THE CAMERA DOESN’T SHOW THE NEEDLE GOING IN, BUT IT DOES SHOW THE BLOOD BEING PULLED INTO THE SYRINGE AND THEN BEING EMPTIED INTO A VIAL.

SHANI

All done!

JASKIER

That wasn’t so bad! Do I get my reward now?

SHANI

Absolutely. You even get two, for being so good for me.

SHANI HANDS HIM TWO LOLLIPOPS, ONE NEON BLUE AND ONE BRIGHT PINK.

JASKIER

Awesome! Thank you! So what happens to the blood now? Do you hold it up and whisper “are you there, hym?”

SHANI LAUGHS.

SHANI

Not quite. I take it to the lab, and run a test. Come on, I’ll show you!

CUT TO A MEDICAL LAB. SHANI IS SITTING ON A HIGH CHAIR IN FRONT OF A MICROSCOPE. JASKIER IS STANDING NEXT TO HER.

SHANI

I have your blood in a little transparent box here, called a petri dish. I put it under the microscope, and then when I look through it all the very small things that make up the blood look big.

JASKIER

Can I have a look?

SHANI

Sure! Check it out.

JASKIER BENDS OVER THE MICROSCOPE.

CUT TO SOME MAGNIFIED BLOOD CELLS.

JASKIER (VOICE OVER)

Oh, wow! That looks so cool! I can’t believe there’s so much stuff in blood. It just looks red when you look at it, and then with a microscope - wow! It’s like a whole new little world down there!

SHANI (VOICE OVER)

Now I’m going to add a drop of specter oil to the blood, and see if something happens. You ready?

JASKIER

So ready!

A NEEDLE COMES INTO FRAME, SLOWLY PUSH A DROP OF GRAYISH SILVERY LIQUID INTO THE BLOOD.

THE DROP SITS THERE LIKE A DOT OF SILVER. IT DOESN’T MIX WITH THE BLOOD.

CUT BACK TO THE LAB.

JASKIER

I don’t see anything special. Was that what was supposed to happen?

SHANI

It means you aren’t haunted or possessed by any specters, so yes.

JASKIER

Oh! Cool!

SHANI

Always good news to get! Anyway, that’s step one. If I discover that the patient is haunted or possessed, I can use moon dust to figure out if it’s a hym or some other ghostly entity.

JASKIER

Awesome! Thank you Shani, for letting me see your lab and explaining all this to me. And checking my blood for ghosts!

SHANI

You’re welcome, Jaskier. It always makes me happy when people want to learn more about medicine.

WE’RE BACK IN THE STUDIO. JASKIER AND GERALT ARE BOTH IN THE SAME CLOTHES AS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE. THE GLASS OF ALGAE SMOOTHIE IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

JASKIER

That was so nice of Shani!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And I learned so much today. I still can’t believe hyms travel between spheres! It’s cool, but so strange.

GERALT

Mm. Unusual.

JASKIER

Very! And I’m glad to know I’m not being haunted by one of them. They seem quite scary.

GERALT

Hm. Would get rid of it for you.

JASKIER SMILES SOFTLY.

JASKIER

Yes, I know you would. (PAUSE) Anyway! I think it’s time for a song about all the things we learned today! I’m not quite sure what to call it, because The Hym Song sounds kind of like “hymn song” and a hymn is a type of song, so that might get confusing. Maybe The Hungry Hym because they feed on all those guilty feelings. What do you think?

GERALT

You’re the musician.

JASKIER

And yet I seem to remember you having some feelings about the name Bad Puppies Song last time.

GERALT

Didn’t you agree not to call it that?

JASKIER

I did, yes. Just for you.

GERALT

There’s a book. Very important for the history of hyms.

JASKIER

Oh?

GERALT

It’s called “Behind the Great Veil”

JASKIER

That such a cool title!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

I mean, I should probably not use the exact same thing for the song. But, hm, oh! The Hym from Behind the Veil? That’s perfect! Thank you, Geralt!

JASKIER SMILES WIDE, AND STRUMS THE FIRST CORD.

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND. THE LYRICS GETS FILLED IN KAREOKE STYLE. AN ANIMATED JASKIER WITH A LUTE PLAYS, JUMPING IN FEAR EVERY TIME A DARK SHADOW CREATURE COMES INTO FRAME.

THE SONG IS MORE ADVANCED THAN MANY OF THE OTHERS. AND IT CONTAINS THE PHRASE “BEHIND THE GREAT VEIL” SO EITHER THE DIALOG WAS SCRIPTED OR THE SONG WAS WRITTEN AFTERWARDS. IT’S ALSO A SLIGHTLY DARKER, SCARIER SONG, BUT IT REINFORCES THE MESSAGE TO TRUST HEALERS AT THE END OF EACH VERSE.

END CREDITS AND CHEERFUL CLOSING SONG.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 5

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO.

THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS: A BLACK BLOB THAT MIGHT BE A HYM BUT COULD EASILY BE ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE, A SPINDLY LONG HAND WITH CLAWS THAT IS ALMOST DEFINITELY SUPPOSED TO BE A HYM, A SNAKE WITH WINGS AND A MINOTAUR WHO APPEARS TO BE BOWLING FOR SOME REASON.

JASKIER IS WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT WITH RAINBOW POLKA DOTS AND HEART-SHAPED GLASSES.

GERALT IS WEARING A DARK GREY T-SHIRT, AN UNBUTTONED BLACK VEST AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION.

JASKIER

Hi! I’m Jaskier.

GERALT

Geralt. The witcher.

JASKIER

We’re going to have so much fun today! Learning about monsters, singing songs…

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

But first we have a very special letter!

GERALT

Mm?

JASKIER

Yes, very special. Because it isn’t for me, and it isn’t for you. It’s for Lambert!

CUT TO WHAT APPEARS TO BE IN THE STUDIO, BUT BEHIND THE NORMAL CAMERAS. VARIOUS CAMERAS, LIGHTS AND CREW CAN BE SEEN.

LAMBERT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN LEANING AGAINST A WALL. NOW HE STRAIGHTENS UP, LOOKING VERY SURPRISED.

HE IS WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT, A BROWN CROPPED LEATHER JACKET, BLACK JEANS, DARK BOOTS AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION.

LAMBERT

The f… letter is for me?

(((I cannot overstate how obvious the save not to swear is. Also, yes, I remember all the jokes about the weirdness of seeing a witcher in a color other than black. It was funny the first time. It stopped being funny a long time ago. Just take a look at the witcher schools PicturePlace feeds or something. They know colors exist.)))

JASKIER (OUT OF FRAME, AMUSED)

Yes, for you! Come on up here so you can answer it.

CUT TO THE NORMAL WALL IN THE STUDIO. LAMBERT IS NOW SITTING BETWEEN JASKIER AND GERALT.

THEY ARE ALL PRESSED PRETTY CLOSE TOGETHER TO FIT, BUT IT’S UNCLEAR IF IT’S AN UNWILLINGNESS TO ZOOM THE CAMERAS OUT FURTHER OR A BENCH THAT WASN’T MADE FOR THREE THAT’S CAUSING THE ISSUE.

JASKIER IS HOLDING THE LETTER.

JASKIER

This is from Xymena in Novigrad. She writes: “I have a question for Lambert. Alchemy sounds really cool. A boy in my class says it’s a lot about blowing things up. That sounds fun! And then someone else said it was about potions. And that made sense, because you said on the show you make potions. But what is alchemy really?”

LAMBERT

Uh. That’s a… large question. Xymena. (PAUSE) Okay. So. Alchemy’s all ‘bout putting things together. To make other things. There’s rules sayin’ how it goes, what to do. But sometimes you get to experiment. Which, uh. Means tryin’ things to see what happen. And that’s real fun.

GERALT

In a lab. With safety gear.

LAMBERT

Yeah. That.

JASKIER

That sounds cool! But how is alchemy different from, say, cooking?

GERALT SNORTS. LAMBERT DOESN’T.

LAMBERT

It’s all ‘bout what you’re tryin’ to make! Like cooking, that’s food. But like. A potion is a thing you can drink, yeah? But you’re not f- you’re not drinkin’ it coz you’re thirsty. There’s somethin’ else you wanna do.

JASKIER

Alright. That makes sense!

LAMBERT

There’s a lotta rules and things. An’ sometimes you read somethin’ or you hear it and it’s just… words. You don’t really get anythin’ out of it.

LAMBERT SPEAKS IN AN EXAGGERATEDLY ACADEMIC VOICE. GERALT LOOKS AMUSED. JASKIER LOOKS THEATRICALLY CONFUSED.

LAMBERT

"To understand alchemy, you must understand two great truths. First truth: As above, so below. Second truth: Everything is one.” (IN HIS NORMAL VOICE) So you might hear somethin’ like that and think “I maybe understand the words but I have no idea what this guy’s trying to say”, yeah? But you keep tryin’, and you’re learning. And one day you look back and now you get it. But it’s still d- hard to explain, like, so you kind of understand why the books sounds so weird ‘bout it too.

JASKIER

And that’s why learning is amazing!

LAMBERT

I guess.

JASKIER

What else can an alchemist make, besides potions?

LAMBERT

Depends. I’m a witcher, so I mostly make things witchers need. To fight monsters an’ stuff. So there’s potions, yeah, and oils. Not like… kitchen oil to cook. Or bath oil to smear all over the skin to make it fancy. More, some monsters, if you put that stuff on your sword, and you slash ‘em, it works better. And then there’s bombs.

JASKIER

To fight monsters.

LAMBERT

Yeah. Lotsa big monsters, it’s good to not get all close up in their business, yeah? So throw a bomb at ‘em. Done. Or, not done, but easier fight.

GERALT NODS.

LAMBERT

I make fireworks sometimes. ‘s fun. Pretty and stuff. (SHRUGS) Other alchemists, not witchers… There’s a bunch of stuff. Oh, like bath bombs! They’re not real bombs at all. You just drop ‘em in water, and they make lotsa colors and smells and stuff.

JASKIER

Bath bombs are fun! And bubble baths, I like those too.

LAMBERT

Most of ‘em smell too much for witchers to enjoy ‘em. But the colors are nice. There’s videos online, and you can just watch ‘em over an’ over.

JASKIER

Is there anything else you want to tell Xymena and our other friends at home about alchemy?

LAMBERT SHRUGS.

LAMBERT

Learn the rules first. Some schools have classes, I think. Yeah? Yeah, they’re nodding at me behind the camera. So learn the rules. And be safe ‘bout it. Don’t just start to like, mix things together at home or somethin’.

JASKIER

Very important advice! Thank you Lambert.

LAMBERT

Yeah, sure. Thanks Xymena. For the letter.

LAMBERT GIVES AN AWKWARD LITTLE WAVE TO THE CAMERA. OR, HEARTWARMINGLY, TO A LITTLE GIRL IN NOVIGRAD.

CUT TO STILL IN THE STUDIO. LAMBERT IS GONE. THE BOWL OF SURPRISE HAS ARRIVED.

JASKIER

Time for our surprise! Oh, it’s just as exciting, every time!

GERALT

Hm.

GERALT DRAWS FROM THE BOWL OF SURPRISE.

THERE’S A STRANGE CUT BEFORE HE READS OUT THE CREATURE.

(((According to an interview, the first season had several instances when they drew a creature, filmed half an episode and then decided that it was not appropriate for the show - usually because there wasn’t any actionable advice they could give, and they didn’t want to say “well, in that case kids, you’re just fucked” - and went back to draw something else. We have never been told any particular episode when that happened, so this is pure speculation on my part… but I’m just saying. The way that was cut is suspicious.)))

GERALT CLEARS HIS THROAT.

GERALT

A tikbalang.

JASKIER

Oooh! What’s that?

GERALT

Nature spirit. Get classified a bit differently. Wolf school says relict, usually. Cats say specter. Heard other things, sometimes. Trickster. Guardian. Elemental. So on.

GERALT SHRUGS. JASKIER LOOKS FASCINATED.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. AN ANIMATED BOOK OPENS, AND GROWS LARGER UNTIL IT COVERS MOST OF THE SCREEN. THE USUALLY WHITE INFOGRAPHIC TEXT IS NOW BLACK ON THE WHITE PAGE OF THE BOOK.

THERE ARE LITTLE BLACK AND WHITE DOODLES APPEARING AROUND THE TEXT, AS IF SOMEONE WAS DOODLING IN THE BOOK.

EARLY ON THERE IS A SWORD AND A TRADITIONAL MAGE HAT, POSSIBLY REPRESENTING WITCHERS AND MAGES AS DIFFERENT KINDS OF SCHOLARS, OR THE CONCEPT OF FIGHTING MONSTERS AND THE FACT THAT MANY MONSTERS ARE MAGICAL IN NATURE. LATER, MANY OF THE DOODLES ARE NATURE THEMED, FLOWERS AND LEAVES AND SUCH.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

People have been making lists of monsters for a long time. Usually, the lists sort the monsters into different categories, which are often called their “class” or “type”. There are many categories. Not all lists have the same ones, or put the same monster in the same class. The relicts is one of the types where many witchers, mages and other scholars have a lot of different opinions on what it means, and which creatures should be included. Usually, a relict is a type of monster that is associated with nature, especially woods. They often have a territory where they are extra strong, and that they try to protect from intruders. Most relicts are very old kinds of monsters that are less common today than they were a long time ago. Some famous creatures that are often called relicts are leshens, chorts and godlings.

WE’RE BACK IN THE STUDIO. THE BOWL OF SURPRISE IS GONE.

GERALT

Should remember that it’s just names. Can be useful. Might say something about a monster. What they’re like. Where they live. What weakness they might have, even. And sometimes the ones in the same group are related. But there’s not… hm. An inherent right or wrong. The monsters didn’t come with type names all listed out. People decided which ones should go in what group.

JASKIER

That makes sense. Most words are made up.

GERALT

Hm. All of them.

JASKIER

Yes, right. And they mean things. But if I’m talking Nordling, and someone else is talking Ofiri, and neither of us knows the other language. Then we can say all kinds of words and not understand each other at all. But that doesn’t mean that my words don’t still mean things in Nordling, and the other person’s words mean things in Ofiri!

GERALT

Hm. In this metaphor.

JASKIER

A metaphor is when you say something with other words. Like… Geralt, you’re such a gem! And then I’m not saying that Geralt is a gemstone, but that he’s awesome like one.

GERALT

Uh. In this metaphor. With Nordling and Ofiri. Or other languages. Sometimes there’s a word that’s in many different languages. But it can mean different things. And the monster categories can be like that.

JASKIER

How so?

GERALT

In one tradition, a trickster is a creature that plays little tricks, but isn’t dangerous. In another, a trickster thinks burning down a town is a great joke. So if you hear “trickster” you shouldn’t think it’s harmless. It might be very, very dangerous. But you also shouldn’t panic, and call in witchers to kill the world-ending threat. It might just like tying people’s shoelaces together.

JASKIER

That could be a bad misunderstanding, yes! So it’s important to figure out what the person you’re talking to means, not just what word they said.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

So people disagree on what class the tikbalang should be. But what are they like?

GERALT

Looks kind of like a horse person. Arms, legs, standing up. Like a human. But the arms and legs are much longer. And it has hooves. And a horse head. Kind of. Horse-like. Hm. Usually male, not always. Sometimes they wear clothes. Usually not.

JASKIER

Wait, are they intelligent? Usually only the monsters that are a lot like people wear clothes.

GERALT LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.

GERALT

Yes. I would call them intelligent. Not the same way as a human. Not worse, but very different.

JASKIER

That’s cool! Do they talk? Could we interview one?

GERALT SHAKES HIS HEAD.

GERALT

Wouldn’t work.

JASKIER

Oh. That’s too bad.

GERALT

There’s… other creatures. Later.

JASKIER BRIGHTENS UP.

JASKIER

A question for another time, then! What else can you tell me about tikbalangs?

GERALT

They like woods, trees. Especially ficus trees. Mountains, too, further south. Not sure if they don’t like the cold in the mountains here, or just don’t get along with local mountain monsters.

JASKIER

So do they just… hang out? Are they nice? Are they dangerous?

GERALT

Can be both. Like to trick people into getting lost. Lead them into the wilderness, leave them there.

JASKIER

Ah. And being lost in the wild can be dangerous, even without all the other monsters that could find you.

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

Remember children, if you’re lost, look around you. Is the place safe? Then you should stay there. Rest, stay warm. Make it easy for people to find you. But! If the place you’re in isn’t safe, it’s more important to get away from the bad place first. (PAUSE) You know, Geralt, we should really make a whole episode about what you should do if you get lost. How you can tell which places are safe or not.

GERALT

Hm. Good idea.

JASKIER

Thank you! I thought so. But today we’re talking about tikbalangs! Is there a way to avoid getting led away by them?

GERALT

Some of them listen if you ask politely.

JASKIER LAUGHS, DELIGHTED.

JASKIER

Really? How polite!

GERALT

Others, you can wear your clothes inside out.

JASKIER

I’ve heard that one before.

GERALT

Mm. Works for a few different things that want to get you lost. (PAUSE) But because that’s a pattern. People sometimes think it works on everything. A will-o-wisp won’t care, but someone insisted that it would make them go away earlier.

JASKIER

It was so strange! We were at the store, buying groceries, and this human woman come up to Geralt. She clearly knows he’s a witcher. Says she’s going to write a book about will-o-wisps. And instead of asking for advice, she just starts talking. And even I know half of what she’s saying is wrong! Geralt tries to correct her, but she doesn’t listen, just keeps on talking.

GERALT

If you write a book ‘bout a monster. Make sure you get it right.

JASKIER

Very important! And listen to witchers, especially about monsters. They know what they’re talking about!

THERE’S A CUT, POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEY WERE GETTING OFF TOPIC.

(((But I do think it’s hilarious that they kept in the bit where they throw shade at this rude would-be author, and I hope she saw the episode. Like, does she regularly go to the same grocery store they do? Does she look at them across the vegetable aisle and know they dragged her on television? …Am I petty enough to wish that she does?)))

JASKIER

Why does turning the clothes inside out sometimes work, Geralt?

GERALT

Hm. Depends on the creature. Some of them think it’s funny. Some agreed to respect the tradition long ago, kept it up.

JASKIER

Huh.

GERALT

And sometimes it's not about the creature.

JASKIER

Wait, what? What else could it be about?

GERALT

You.

JASKIER

Me?

GERALT

Sometimes a monster has confused you. But you can. Hm. Reboot your brain. Like a computer.

JASKIER

By turning my clothes inside out?

GERALT

Mm. Unusual. If you’re walking where the tikbalang leads, you just need to walk. Not much thinking to tell the feet to move.

JASKIER

But if I did something strange, like undressing in the middle of the woods, turning my clothes inside out and then putting them back on again. My brain would have to take more control, because that’s not something it does automatically all the time. And while it’s more awake and directing things, it’s easier to break free from the creature?

GERALT

Yes.

JASKIER

That’s pretty cool!

GERALT

Hm. Useful.

JASKIER

So. What do I do if I’m not hypnotized anymore? Should I run away, or will that just make me more lost?

GERALT

Don’t usually need to do anything. Especially not with the tikbalang. It will probably leave. If it doesn’t, and you know the way back - in your clearer mind - and start walking away it won’t follow.

JASKIER

And if I don’t know the way?

GERALT

Sit down.

JASKIER

What? On the ground?

GERALT

The tikbalang probably won’t try to trick you again. If it does, sitting is good. Harder to start walking again if you have to stand up first.

JASKIER

Alright…

GERALT

The tikbalang might watch you for a bit. Should get bored and leave.

JASKIER

And if it doesn’t?

GERALT

That’s good.

JASKIER

That’s… good? Why?

GERALT

Mm. Isn’t trying to eat you. Other monsters might. Less likely to come find you if the tikbalang is right there. (PAUSE) This is for children. Adults should leave. More dangerous. Won’t eat them, but could hurt them.

JASKIER

Okay. So if you’re a child. You sit down and wait. But if you’re an adult, you try to leave.

GERALT NODS.

GERALT

Either way. If you have a phone. Call for help.

JASKIER (BRIGHTLY)

1-1-2!

CUT TO WHAT LOOKS LIKE A MEETING ROOM IN A FANCY OFFICE BUILDING.

THERE IS A LARGE GLASS WALL, POSSIBLY FLOOR TO CEILING. OUTSIDE THE WINDOW IS A CITY. (((They never tell us, but I’ve looked at the clip several times and I think it’s Novigrad. Don’t quote me on that, though.))) WE’RE QUITE HIGH UP.

JASKIER AND GERALT ARE SITTING ON ONE SIDE OF THE MEETING TABLE.

JASKIER IS WEARING A BLUE T-SHIRT WITH THE CARTOON CHARACTER MELVIN THE MAGE ON IT. HE ALSO WEARS DANGLY EARRINGS IN THE SHAPE OF LUTES.

(((They’re clip-ons at this point. Jaskier doesn’t pierce his ears until later.)))

GERALT WEARS A BLACK TURTLENECK AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION. HE HAS SOME OF HIS HAIR IN A TINY BRAID ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS FACE.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE SITS MASTER MAGE YENNEFER OF ARETUZA. SHE HAS DARK HAIR IN A FANCY UP-DO, PALE SKIN AND PURPLE EYES. SHE WEARS A PURPLE DRESS AND BLACK LIPSTICK. SHE’S INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL, THE WAY MANY SORCERESSES ARE.

(((It’s kind of interesting to me that most male mages of a similar power level don’t get magically beautified. I know some people talk about it as vanity, but I mean. Women and expectations of beauty and sexism and all that. And I’m pretty sure some of it comes down to having gone to different schools, too. Because the male Aretuza mages - not that there are many, and only for the last hundred years or so - seem to do it more often than other male mages. But the female mages from Ban Ard - that only started teaching girls like, thirty years ago? - don’t do it at all. As far as I, very much not an expert, knows. And I’m even less of a expert on the newer, smaller schools, so I’m not even gonna try to speculate on that.)))

(((My roommate would like to speculate. She says the mages from Blaviken Tower - who are apparently all girls, because it’s apparently one of two girls-only magic schools left on the continent, and this is the first time I’m hearing about it - are super beautiful in obviously magical ways. So maybe that’s an argument for the school cultures theory?)))

(((Also. I know I didn’t give Istredd’s title before, and that Yennefer of Aretuza is also just called by her first name - nickname! - on the show. But come on! It’s Yennefer of fricking Aretuza! She’s so cool! I have to write out her stuff properly at least once.)))

JASKIER

This is our friend Yenn!

YENNEFER

Hello, children.

JASKIER

We had some trouble finding a tikbalang to show you on short notice.

GERALT

Not the kind of creature one captures. Either they can be left alone, or relocated, or they have to be killed.

JASKIER

Right! And we - or rather, Geralt - could search through the forests until he found one, but that would probably take a really long time.

GERALT

Not common, in this part of the world. And hard to find.

YENNEFER

So they came to me.

JASKIER

Yenn is a very good mage, and awesome at using a scrying mirror! So we rented one, and she’s gonna try to find a tikbalang. Isn’t that just super cool?! It won’t be the same as filming one directly, but still! Scrying! So cool!

YENNEFER

If any of the parents watching are wondering, yes, I have both the proper training to scry and the license to do so. I’m not spying on anyone in the shower.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND, WHITE TEXT.

THERE’S A MIRROR IN THE CORNER. AN ANIMATED YENNEFER WALKS IN, CROSSES THE SCREEN AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. IT SHOWS HER REFLECTION. THERE ARE PURPLE SPARKLES TO IMPLY MAGIC. THE SURFACE OF THE MIRROR TURNS INTO A PURPLE SWIRL, BEFORE SHOWING AN ANIMATED JASKIER, WHO WAVES.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Scrying is a very difficult, very old form of magic. It can be used to try to find people, or see into the future or past. One of the easier ways to scry - and it’s still not easy - is to use a magical mirror that has been made for it. Most countries have laws that say who is allowed to scry, what they can look for and when. That is both so that bad people won’t use scrying to find out secrets and do bad things with them, and because it can be dangerous to scry if you don’t know how to do it properly. And trying to make scrying mirrors is very, very, dangerous, so only the archmages - which means the smartest, most important mages, who are the best at magic - are allowed to do so.

WE’RE BACK IN THE MEETING ROOM.

JASKIER

Will you tell us how you got so good at scrying, Yennefer?

YENNEFER

I learned to do it at Aretuza, a magic school. I discovered I was good at it, so I took extra classes, and got my license.

JASKIER

Like how some of your parents might have a special card that says they are allowed to drive a car! But Yenn’s card is for scrying.

YENNEFER

It’s a magical crystal with my chaos signature tied to it.

JASKIER

Very cool! Children, you might hear people say things like “clean up your room, it looks like chaos in here!” but in this case, chaos is a form of magic.

(((My roommate has strong feelings on this. She likes to rant about how “chaos is the most common kind of magic, but not the only one, the chaos centric mages just rebranded it as the Normal and Superior Magic, and now everyone uses the words like synonyms when that’s wrong!” Especially when she’s drunk. Like, if you go out to a nightclub with her, you might dance or something, but what she’ll be doing is getting drunk, eating cheese and angrily ranting about magical academia to strangers who can’t follow what she’s saying at all.)))

YENNEFER NODS.

YENNEFER

I worked for the Mountain Rescue Services in Kaedwen for a few years.

GERALT

Hm. Where we meet.

YENNEFER (SMIRKS)

Indeed.

JASKIER

So what does the Mountain Rescue Service do?

YENNEFER

Normally, they spend a lot of time and resources finding people who have gotten lost in the mountains and bringing them back to safety. But in the Blue Mountains, there are a lot of monsters. That means fewer hikers to get lost, and if they do, it’s usually the wolf witchers from Kaer Morhen who get tasked with finding them.

JASKIER

That makes sense! Because they can deal with the monsters, and Kaer Morhen - which is the home base of the wolf school - is right there already. But if you didn’t look for lost hikers, and I can see why scrying might be very useful when trying to find missing people, what did you do?

YENNEFER

Oh, I was still finding people. But usually not ones who had wandered out into the wilderness and gotten lost, or surprised by a snowstorm. You see, there are a few mountains that have been mostly cleared of monsters, and turned into ski resorts.

JASKIER

I’ve been there. Skiing is so much fun!

YENNEFER

It’s a popular hobby. And most of the time the skiers are quite fine. Especially now, when there are much better warning systems than we had in the early days. But sometimes, there are avalanches.

JASKIER SHUDDERS.

JASKIER

An avalanche is like a landslide, but with snow. A lot of snow, coming down the mountain like a wave. They are very dangerous.

YENNEFER

They are. If people are caught in one, and buried beneath the snow, the story probably won’t have a happy ending. But sometimes it does, and the people are found and dug out quickly. That was my job. Sitting in a cabin on top of the mountain drinking hot chocolate, and if there was an avalanche, I would look into a scrying mirror to find out if anyone had been buried, and if so, where exactly to dig.

JASKIER

That’s amazing!

GERALT

Hm. It is.

YENNEFER

I’m glad you think so, considering we met when an avalanche on a completely different mountain buried an entire troop of witcher trainees on a winter training mission.

JASKIER

Oh no!

JASKIER LOOKS HORRIFIED. IT’S UNCLEAR IF HE IS PLAYING IT UP FOR THE CAMERA, OR IF HE HAD GENUINELY NOT HEARD THE STORY BEFORE.

GERALT

Trainees were supposed to handle themselves. Still had witchers watching at a distance. Ready to step in if the wrong monster started fighting them.

JASKIER

You were one of the witchers keeping an eye on them?

GERALT NODS. HE LOOKS VAGUELY EMBARRASSED.

GERALT

Wasn’t expecting an avalanche. Should have seen the warnings. Told the trainees to pick another path down.

YENNEFER

To be fair, you weren’t the senior witcher among the ones watching. And that’s important, because when the avalanche hits, the senior witcher starts directing people to dig, but he has a different task for Geralt.

GERALT (IN AN EVEN GROWLIER VOICE THAN USUAL)

“They have a mage at the new tourist place. Better at finding people under the snow than anyone’s ever heard of. Go.”

YENNEFER

This was almost a hundred years ago, before there were any phones. So our dear Geralt, only a few years from being a trainee himself, runs halfway through the Blue Mountains, manages not to get caught by any monsters or avalanches, and only crashes into a tree once. He runs up to the peak at the ski resort - which was very new at the time - slams the door to my cabin open and demands I use my… what was it you said?

GERALT

Your… strange magic mirror.

YENNEFER

Well, I suppose what you actually said is a bad word that you shouldn't be teaching the children. Either way, I managed to scry on the trainees, and opened a portal before Geralt could try to run all the way back where he came from.

GERALT

It was a high-stress situation.

YENNEFER

It was. But all the trainees turned out fine. Many of them were already rescued by the time we got back there - several dug themselves out, with witcher strength - and my advice helped locate the rest.

JASKIER

I’m so glad! Children, sometimes people are afraid that mages might use scrying mirrors to do bad things. Some even say that all scrying mirrors should be destroyed, that they can only be used for bad things. But that’s clearly not true! Good mages, like Yennefer, use scrying to help people.

YENNEFER

And today I will try to show you a glimpse of a tikbalang. It’s not quite the same, but at least it’s educational.

CUT TO YENNEFER STANDING IN FRONT OF A LARGE MIRROR. IT HAS A GOLDEN FRAME WITH GLOWING SYMBOLS ETCHED AROUND IT. SHE IS HOLDING UP A HAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR’S SURFACE.

THE MIRROR ALREADY LOOKS LIKE IT’S FILLED WITH SHADOWS AND PURPLE FOG, RATHER THAN REFLECTING THE ROOM.

THERE’S SOME VERY LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.

(((When I was transcribing this episode, I realized that while I have seen people use scrying mirrors in movies, I have never seen how they are actually activated. I looked it up, and apparently there’s a law against depicting certain magical processes that require special permission to learn. It didn’t specify any particular spells or rituals, but I figure scrying falls under that.

Or maybe it hasn’t been a formal ruling, and that’s why they show part of it, but they self-censor the actual activation, because that might take the question before a court? I don’t even know if it would be the archmage court, or the normal justice system for whatever country the movie was produced in, or how that would work.)))

JASKIER (IN A LOW VOICE, FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA)

This might not work. Scrying is always hard. Right now, Yennefer isn’t looking for a person she knows, or someone she can track through something they own like a jacket or teddy bear. She isn’t even looking for a human or elf or anything like that, but a creature that is quite different. A type of creature she has never even met in person. And then she’s looking for a tikbalang, rather than one specific tikbalang. That might seem easier, but scrying for “any human” or “any fox” would be harder than looking for a specific human too. Or fox. If Yennefer can do this, it will be very impressive.

YENNEFER (SOUNDING A BIT STRAINED)

You know how to flatter a mage, little bard.

THE PURPLE FOG GROWS DARKER, THEN FORMS INTO A VAGUELY PERSON-SHAPED MASS OF SWIRLING FOG. THE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC GETS FASTER AND LOUDER.

YENNEFER

Almost…

THE SHADOWS SEEM TO FORM THEMSELVES INTO TREES. MUSIC KEEPS GETTING LOUDER AND FASTER. IT’S NOW HIGH ENOUGH THAT IT WOULD BE HARD TO HEAR ANYONE SPEAKING.

THE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. THE FOG SHAPE SHARPENS INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BIT LIKE A BROWN MAN (((not brown the way people are brown, but with short brown fur all over his body))) WITH WEIRDLY LONG ARMS, STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA/MIRROR. THE CAMERA IS ZOOMED IN SO THAT WE ONLY SEE THE UPPER HALF OF HIS BODY, WHICH PROBABLY MEAN THAT HE ISN’T WEARING PANTS.

THE CREATURE STARTS TO TURN AROUND. WE SEE A STRANGE HEAD IN PROFILE. IT CERTAINLY LOOKS LIKE A HORSE, BUT ALSO NOT.

THE MIRROR TURNS BLACK.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT, IT REALLY IS THE MIRROR THAT IS BLACK, RATHER THAN A DARK SCREEN SHOWED TO THE AUDIENCE FOR SOME REASON. THE BLACK LIGHTENS THROUGH SEVERAL SHADES OF GREY - THERE’S NO HINT OF PURPLE - BEFORE INSTEAD SHOWING THE REFLECTION OF A ROOM.

VERY BRIEFLY, WE SEE YENNEFER, JASKIER, GERALT, AND A FULL CAMERA CREW REFLECTED IN THE MIRROR. THEN IT CUTS AWAY.

WE’RE STILL IN THE ROOM, BUT AT A DIFFERENT ANGLE THAT DOESN’T SHOW ANY CAMERAS OR CREWMEMBERS IN THE MIRROR.

JASKIER (EXUBERANT)

That was so cool! Wasn’t that so cool, everyone?

GERALT

Impressive.

YENNEFER

I suppose he was quite handsome, yes.

JASKIER

You know that’s not what we mean! Of course the tikbalang was impressive as well, and I wouldn’t want to insult him, but you did it! The super hard scrying! No wonder you were so good at finding people. What was it you said before, Geralt? The witcher that sent you to her called her “the best anyone has ever heard of”?

GERALT

Mm.

YENNEFER

Flatterer. Keep in mind that was many years ago. Most of the work I do today isn’t about scrying. There are many others who train in the art much more often than I do.

JASKIER

Thank you anyway! For showing us something awesome, and talking about it, and coming on the show.

YENNEFER NODS, SMIRKING.

YENNEFER

Call me if you need me to find any trainees in the snow.

GERALT GROANS. JASKIER LAUGHS.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO. JASKIER AND GERALT ARE IN FRONT OF THE WALL. THEY WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES THEY DID WHEN MEETING YENNEFER. JASKIER IS HOLDING HIS LUTE.

JASKIER

That was amazing! I’ve never seen scrying up close like that before.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And she found a tikbalang! Only for a moment, but it so hard to do something like that.

GERALT

Knew she could do it.

JASKIER

Of course you did, you big softie. You’re the world champion in believing in your friends.

GERALT

I have skilled friends.

JASKIER

So do I.

JASKIER STRAIGHTENS UP AND RE-FOCUSES.

JASKIER

And tikbalangs! I learned so much about them!

GERALT

And now you sing.

JASKIER

Yes indeed, now I sing! This, my friends, is the Tikbalang Song.

JASKIER STRUMS THE FIRST CORD.

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND. KARAOKE STYLE TEXT.

THERE’S AN ANIMATED TIKBALANG (THAT WEARS CLOTHES) LEADING WHAT APPEARS TO BE A CHILD AROUND. THEY WALK IN PLACE FOR ABOUT THE FIRST HALF OF THE SONG. THEN THE CHILD STOPS, TURNS THEIR CLOTHES INSIDE OUT. THE TIKBALANG SHRUGS AND LEAVES. THE CHILD DANCES IN PLACE.

THE TIKBALANG SONG HAS A LOT OF ENERGY AND A LOT OF REPETITION. IT’S THE KIND OF SONG YOU START TAPPING THE BEAT TO, OR FIND YOURSELF DANCING A LITTLE. IT’S ALSO THE KIND OF SONG THAT GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOREVER.

(((If you’re familiar with the episode and/or song, I’m sure you’re stuck on it now. I know I am. And it’s a good song, genuinely, but having it on repeat in your brain for days on end can make even the best songs less appealing. Most of the time when I rewatch the episode - which I’ll admit I do more often than might be strictly necessary, but it has Yennefer of Aretuza in it - I just turn it off before the song begins. And even then it doesn’t always help.)))

CREDITS AND CHEERFUL ENDING SONG. THE CREDITS INCLUDE A SPECIAL THANKS TO YENNEFER OF ARETUZA, WRITING OUT HER FULL NAME BUT NOT INCLUDING HER TITLES.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 6

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO.

THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS: A VAMPIRE, WHAT MIGHT BE A TIKBALANG, YENNEFER IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, AND A DRAGON WEARING A TOPHAT.

JASKIER IS WEARING A LIGHT PINK T-SHIRT AND HAS A TINY WHITE SCARF TIED AROUND HIS NECK. HE HAS A PINK STRAWBERRY HAIR-CLIP ON ONE SIDE.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION. HIS HAIR IS IN A SIDE-BRAID OVER THE SHOULDER FACING AWAY FROM JASKIER. THE BOTTOM OF THE BRAID IS TIED OFF WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BLACK, GLITTERY BOW.

JASKIER

Welcome back to The ABCs of Monsters and Magic, where we learn awesome things about monsters and magic! I’m Jaskier.

GERALT

Geralt of the Wolf School.

JASKIER

Our very favorite witcher!

GERALT

Hm. Should read a letter.

JASKIER

Indeed we should!

JASKIER LIFTS UP A BRIGHT YELLOW PAPER FROM OUT OF FRAME. WHEN HE UNFOLDS IT, WE CAN SEE STARS AND SMILEY FACES DRAWN ON THE BACK.

JASKIER

This is from Zygmunt in Karstburg.

GERALT

…In northen Hengfors?

JASKIER

(TO GERALT) Yes? Oh! Yes, it’s kind of that Karstburg, but also not. (TO THE CAMERA) So, Karstburg Castle is a very old fortress that used to belong to a mage, a long, long time ago. It’s a ruin now. But a mile or so away from the ruins, there’s a new city being built! Called Karstburg, after the castle. They only started building two years ago, but people - like our friend Zygmunt - have already moved in. Isn’t that cool?

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Anyway. Zygmunt writes: “Hello Mr Jaskier and Witcher Geralt.” Hi! “I have a question about mages. In school we learn about how an evil mage did this or an evil mage did that. Is it something about magic that makes mages go bad? The magic test said my little brother has potent.” I think you mean potential. In this case, someone who has something in them that makes them able to learn how to use magic.

(((So everyone knows that all the countries on the continent test kids for magic potential, right? It’s been going on for a hundred years or something, and it’s the biggest reason why there’s so many more mages now than there was historically. But did you know different countries test at different times? For some it’s when they start school, others at four, or seven, or ten, and so on. I just looked it up, and apparently in Hengfors it’s at five, but if a close relative has already tested positive they do it earlier, sometimes at birth.)))

(((Yes, I’ve heard the conspiracy theories about the government and/or magic schools kidnapping babies or whatever. No, I don’t believe them. The testing is mandatory, actually sending kids off isn’t. Exhibit A: Myself. I tested positive at six, and so did two of my cousins. Our families were given a pretty hard sell, but they said no, and so we stayed home, and went to normal schools, learning normal things.

If you don’t want to give your child up, just say no. Don’t go to crazy lengths like trying to secretly birth and raise kids in the woods or something, that’s way more likely to end badly for any number of reasons that should be obvious.)))

JASKIER

“If he goes to magic school and become a mage, will he turn evil?” Oh, darling!

GERALT

Some forms of magic can… corrupt people. Change them. But most isn’t good or bad.

JASKIER

And mages are just people like everyone else! Some people do bad things, and if that person is a powerful mage, that can become very dangerous. Historically, a mage that did terrible things got called evil, but people with other kinds of power that also hurt people - like a king that raised the taxes until farmers starved - often got called other things.

GERALT

Mm. Tyrant. Brutal. Ruthless.

JASKIER

People got used to thinking about certain kinds of bad with certain words, but that doesn’t mean “evil” means mage, and it certainly doesn’t mean all mages are evil! If your brother is a good person, learning to use magic won’t make him suddenly wake up evil one day. He’ll get to make choices, same as everyone else.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Like Yenn and Istredd, who’ve been on the show. They’re nice!

GERALT CHUCKLES.

GERALT

Should bring in the bowl.

JASKIER

Already? How time flies! Yes, let’s bring in the Bowl of Surpise!

CUT. THE BOWL IS IN FRONT OF THEM.

JASKIER (SING-SONG)

Bowl! Of! Surprise! Bowl! Of! Surprise! Draw from the bowl, draw, draw, draw!

GERALT ROLLS HIS EYES, BUT DRAWS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE BOWL. HE UNFOLDS IT. FROWNS.

JASKIER

Weeeell? What is it?

GERALT

Cockatrice.

JASKIER

Oh. Ah, I know that one!

GERALT SIGHS.

GERALT (BITTER? FRUSTRATED? TIRED?)

Yes, Jaskier. Why don’t you tell the children why you're so familiar with the cockatrice.

JASKIER

Haha… ha… It was… quite an adventure! But not one you should ever, ever go on. Of course. Because tangling with monsters should always be left to the professionals. But in my defense, I didn’t go looking for the cockatrice!

GERALT COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.

GERALT (MUFFLED)

No. You just went looking for a witcher while he was on a hunt.

JASKIER

You were taking so long! I was worried about you!

GERALT LIFTS HIS HEAD, ANGRY.

GERALT

I told you to stay in the car!

JASKIER (ANGRY, WITH SUDDENLY TEAR-BLANK EYES)

Yes! I know! And haven’t made the same mistake again, have I? I stay where you tell me to stay, I listen to everything you say. I’m careful. I write songs so that people will know how not to be stupid like I was!

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND. THERE’S AN ANIMATED COCKATRICE, GREEN WITH A RED-ISH BULGE HANGING FROM ITS CHIN.

TRISS (VOICE OVER)

Scholars have tried to make categories to sort all monsters into. Most categories have a lot of different monsters in them. But the cockatrice is in a very special category: the ornithosaur. In most lists of the monsters in each class, the cockatrice is the ONLY ornithosaur! (Some of them say that basilisks, wyverns and sometimes royal wyverns should count in this special class as well, but most call them draconids, which is one of the larger categories with many, many different creatures in it.)

THE ANIMATED COCKATRICE MAKES A FULL-BODY SHUDDER, AS IF TRYING TO SHAKE OFF THE NOTION THAT ANY OTHER MONSTER COULD BE COOL ENOUGH TO FIT INTO ITS SPECIAL CLUB.

CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO. GERALT AND JASKIER BOTH APPEAR TO HAVE CALMED DOWN SOMEWHAT. JASKIER LOOKS PARTICULARLY SUBDUED.

GERALT

Cockatrices are very dangerous. Won’t turn people to stone by looking at them, that’s just… stories. Unfortunately well spread stories that sometimes even get repeated in bestiaries, but not true.

JASKIER (MORE QUIETLY THAN USUAL)

A bestiary is a book that describes a lot of beasts. Usually monsters, but sometimes dangerous animals like bears as well.

GERALT SLUMPS A LITTLE.

GERALT

Doesn’t have to be a book. Can be a collection of scrolls. Spoken things that got put on tapes. (PAUSE) Episodes from a TV program.

JASKIER HASTILY LOOKS AT GERALT, WHO AVOIDS LOOKING AT HIM. JASKIER GETS A SMALL SMILE, THAT THEN GROWS A BIT LARGER.

JASKER

So, Geralt. What should our friends at home know about cockatrices?

GERALT

That they’re to be avoided. (PAUSE) And they like dark places. Caves. Cellars. Not like… the basement in your house, where you live and make noise. But if you have a summer home far out in the woods. And it has been empty all year. Have an adult go out first and check. Carefully.

JASKIER

How? I assume they shouldn’t just wander down there.

GERALT

Hm. Get a very bright lamp. That spreads lots of light. But can be thrown without breaking. Some camping light work, others break. Same with really bright bike lights. There’s lists. Online. Recommendations.

JASKIER

And you throw the light into the basement?

GERALT

Mm. Won’t hurt the cockatrice. But they don’t like it. Scream.

JASKIER

And once you know you have a cockatrice, or at least something that screams like that, you get far away and call 1-1-2 to get a witcher?

GERALT

Hm. Don’t just run. Have a plan before you throw the lamp. A place very close that you can hide. That the cockatrice won’t get into. Be very quiet. Wait. The cockatrice likes to surprise. To sweep down. If you’re not in the zone of attack, and quiet and still. Not attacking, not running. It will prefer to hide too. Wait. Hope you forget it’s there and come closer.

JASKIER

So it’s a waiting game?

GERALT

For a bit. An hour maybe. And then you call a witcher. And they tell you if you should stay hidden until help gets there, or leave slow and quiet.

JASKIER

Alright… But Geralt, what if someone throws down a lamp, and they hear a scream that sounds like a monster, but they don’t know if it’s a cockatrice or some other creature. Most people can’t tell one monster sound from another.

GERALT

Hm. There are recordings. Online. You can listen beforehand.

JASKIER

And if you’re not sure?

GERALT

If your hiding place is strong. Metall. Seem like it could hold up against a monster. You get in there, and you call help. If you don’t have a place like that, you run. Hope. Call when you’re further away. (PAUSE) Or you could just hire the closest witcher school, or a mage, to come check the basement in the first place. Safer.

JASKIER

Much! So what should you do if there’s a cockatrice that isn’t waiting to surprise you? If it already has surprised you, sweeping down at you when you walk into a cave. Or if it's out in the open and knows you’ve seen it.

GERALT

It wants to knock you down. Poison you.

JASKIER MAKES A FACE AND RUBS AT ONE OF HIS ARMS.

JASKIER

Yeah, that’s… bad.

GERALT

Very bad. But it’s possible for a human to survive the poison if they get to a good healer very, very quickly. (PAUSE) Elves and dwarves too. Gnomes. Most people. Not just humans. But you need to get help quickly.

JASKIER

When you’re… poisoned. By the cockatrice. You get very, very weak and sick. And you bleed a lot. It’s hard to get away from the monster, and all the way to a healer. So you always want to have people with you if you’re out in the wild. (SHAKY SIGH) When I was attacked, Geralt killed the cockatrice. Most non-witchers couldn’t do that. But afterwards, he made sure I stopped bleeding, and he called for help, said we needed a mage to teleport me to a hospital right away, because I was a human with cockatrice venom in my arm, and it had already been ten minutes. And if you can’t fight a cockatrice - and you can’t, you shouldn’t try - you can still make that call.

CUT TO AN AERIAL VIEW OF A CASTLE IN THE MOUNTAINS. SOME PARTS OF IT LOOKS TO BE VERY OLD, AND OTHERS NEWER. THERE ARE A FEW WALLS THAT SHOW DAMAGE FROM BATTLE OR TIME, BUT THERE’S FLAGS WAVERING FROM THE GATEHOUSE.

WHITE TEXT ON THE SCREEN READS: HAERN CADUCH, SCHOOL OF THE BEAR

CUT TO GERALT AND A NEW WITCHER, IVO, STANDING IN A STONE CORRIDOR. BOTH ARE WEARING BLACK WITCHER ARMOR AND THEIR RESPECTIVE MEDALLIONS. IVO HAS SHORT, DARK HAIR. NEITHER OF THE WITCHERS ARE SMILING.

IVO

I’m Ivo. This is Haern Caduch. It was the old Bear Keep once, home of our school. We had to leave, long ago. Later, we made a new home. Later still, we got Haern Caduch back. We don’t really live here anymore. Don’t raise cubs here. (HE GLARES AT THE CAMERA, AS IF TRYING TO FRIGHTEN AWAY ANY THREAT TO THE YOUNG BEAR WITCHERS) But it’s a good place to keep monsters we want to study for some reason. To stage training exercises for older trainees. Good walls. Magic to keep training-monsters from getting out and bothering humans.

GERALT

Hm. The bears even invite other schools to bring their trainees, sometimes. Good opportunity. Good place.

IVO

For witchers. We don’t let anyone else in here. (PAUSE, SIGH) I’m not saying non-witchers are bad. There’s a lot of good people in the world. We fight monsters to help them. But some places are ours. We don’t let cameras in here, usually. And you won’t see much. But we have a cockatrice, so you’ll see that.

GERALT

Lead the way.

CUT TO A RED-ISH DARK VISION VIEW OF SOME SORT ROOM. THE CAMERA SWEEPS AROUND, AS IF LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. IT STILLS ON A SHAPE CLINGING TO THE CEILING IN A CORNER.

THE SHAPE MOVES ITS HEAD, ITS EYES LOOKING LIKE INTENSE POINTS OF WHITE LIGHT.

OVERHEAD LIGHTING TURNS ON, BLINKS ONCE AND STAYS STEADY. IT’S FLUORESCENT LAMPS, JARRINGLY MODERN IN WHAT OTHERWISE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD DUNGEON.

THE WALLS, UNLIKE THE SMOOTH ONES FROM EARLIER, ARE A CRAGGLY STONE. WATER APPEARS TO HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE WALLS IN SOME SPACES.

THE ROOM IS DIVIDED BY THICK BARS IN A SILVERY COLOR, POSSIBLY MADE BY ACTUAL SILVER.

THE CREATURE IN THE CEILING IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BARS. IT HISSES AND LEAPS DOWN, BUT TO THE FLOOR RATHER THAN TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE BARS.

IT’S DARK GREEN, AND LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A WINGED REPTILE, BUT IT HAS A BEAK AND WHAT LOOKS LIKE A DARK RED POACH OF LOOSE SKIN HANGING FROM ITS CHIN, WITH A SLIGHTLY MORE SOLID LOOKING RED PROTRUSION AT THE TOP OF ITS HEAD AND DARK FEATHERS GOING DOWN IT’S BACK. IT HAS BRIGHT YELLOW EYES AND A SET OF DARK CHICKEN-LIKE LEGS. THE TIPS OF ITS WINGS HAS HAS SHARP-LOOKING TALONS.

(((There’s definitely something bird-like about parts of it, especially the legs and beak. And I do see the red… things. And yeah, if I tilt my head it could maybe look like the mohawk of a rooster. But all the drawings of cockatrices I had seen before this episode were a lot more rooster-like. Maybe people took artistic liberties - possibly wanting to up the roosteriness to explain away the “cock” in the name? - or maybe this is just a particularly ugly cockatrice.)))

(((Also, spoilers for people that haven’t seen the show I guess, but they never address the stories that cockatrices are supposed to be hatched from the eggs of gay roosters, so now I don’t know what to believe. Like, yes, it would make sense for that to be a myth. Why would roosters lay eggs, and why would those eggs contain a cockatrice? But if it's a myth, why don’t they just say so? They dispel bullshit ideas about monsters all the time.

But I suppose if they do come from chicken eggs somehow, and involve people doing something to the egg. Like the stories where basilisks come from chicken eggs that a toad has laid on. If it’s something like that, I can understand why they might wanna avoid giving a how-to-breed-your-own-monsters guide to the kids at home.

I could try to look it up, but typing “is it true that I can make a terrible monster if I put a toad on an egg?” into a search engine seems like a great way to end up on a government watchlist somewhere, and I’m not curious enough to risk it.)))

IVO STEPS INTO FRAME. LOOKING AT THE CAMERA, HIS BACK TURNED TO THE CAGED MONSTER.

IVO

This is the cockatrice. Adult male. Kind of slow, he broke a wing when we captured him, healed wrong. And he knows that he can’t get through the bars, so he’s not attacking the way he would in the wild. (PAUSE) We’ve named him Geralt.

HE SMIRKS IN A WAY THAT IMPLIES GERALT-THE-COCKATRICE WASN’T EXACTLY NAMED TO HONOR GERALT-THE-WITCHER.

CUT TO GERALT-THE-WITCHER. THERE IS NO CHANGE TO HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION.

GERALT

Hm.

CUT BACK TO THE COCKATRICE, NOW MORE ZOOMED IN. IT HISSES.

THE CAMERA SWEEPS ALONG THE CREATURE FOR A FULL TWELVE SECONDS SECONDS, SHOWING OFF DIFFERENT PARTS OF ITS BODY AS IT (THE COCKATRICE AND CAMERA BOTH) MOVES. THERE’S SOME LOW, INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC. NEITHER OF THE WITCHERS SAY ANYTHING.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO.

JASKIER IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE, WITH NO GERALT (OR ANYONE ELSE) BESIDE HIM. HE IS WEARING A DARK GREEN OVERSIZED KNITTED SWEATER. HE LOOKS UNUSUALLY SERIOUS.

JASKIER

Thank you to Ivo and the rest of the Bears for showing us your cockatrice.

PAUSE. JASKIER LOOKS AWAY FROM THE CAMERA, THEN VISIBLY LOWERS HIS SHOULDERS AND LOOKS BACK.

JASKIER

I love learning about monsters. I really do. Not just because my best friend is a witcher. But the… incident with the cockatrice. It was scary. One of the scariest moments of my life. And I never want any of you to… to go out looking for monsters, or adventure. Because it isn’t like the movies, or a video game. Geralt saved me. And Yenn, and the healers. I got very, very lucky.

JASKIER LOOKS AWAY AGAIN. HE RAISES ONE HAND, HALF-COVERED IN ITS SLEEVE, AND MAKES A GESTURE.

JASKIER

It’s cool, learning about monsters. It’s fun. But most of all it’s important. Because maybe you learn something that could save your life one day. Like… if there’s a cockatrice. Closing your eyes won’t make you safer. But other things might. Not wandering into dark caves. Telling your parents to get witchers to check the summer-home basement. Hiding. Calling 1-1-2. And if someone is poisoned, you know about cockatrices, know they need help quickly. You tell the healers “cockatrice venom” and they get some human-safe anti-dote ready. Or whatever kind of person the patient is. That can make a difference.

JASKIER LOOKS BACK TO THE CAMERA, SMILING SLIGHTLY.

JASKIER

The world is full of monsters and other dangers. None of us will ever be truly safe. But we can learn things, and help each other. And we can make a difference. I truly believe that we can.

LIGHT BLUE ANIMATED BACKGROUND. KARAOKE-STYLE TEXT.

THERE ARE ANIMATED COCKATRICES LEAPING DOWN FROM THE TOP CORNERS, DISAPPEARING AGAIN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.

THE SONG (((named “The Cockatrice Song” or “The Cockatrice Tongue Twister” by the fandom, and later the official season 1 playlist called it the former. It’s the only song so far not to be named in the show itself))) IS LESS CHEERFUL IN TONE THAN MOST. IT STARTS OUT VERY SLOW AND DARK, BUT EACH LINE SPEEDS UP UNTIL THE END IS BASICALLY A FAST RAP THAT ALSO KEEPS RHYMING, MAKING IT HARD TO SING.

END CREDITS AND CHEERFUL CLOSING SONG.

(((Check out videos with the #cockatricetonguetwisterchallange! Some of them are very impressive, others hilarious. Jaskier’s been encouraging it, which isn’t that unusual since he often interacts with fanworks, but everyone kind of assumes he’s taking this one a bit more personally than most.)))

(((On a related note, if you’re new to the fandom: This is something we Do Not Poke At, clear? We make fun of Jaskier and Geralt a lot, like how I call Jaskier’s lack of blinking on camera weird and creepy, despite knowing full-well that he could actually read this one day. (If so, hi, Mr Pankratz! Big fan of your songs. But I’m sorry, my eyes get dry just looking at you.) But we don’t ever mess with the serious stuff.)))

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 7

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS ON THE WALL: A COCKATRICE, A FLYING BIRD-THING WITH THREE LARGE DROPS OF BLOOD DRIPPING FROM ITS CLAWS, A GRIFFIN BEING BE-HEADED BY A WITCHER, AND A CLOWN.

(((I agree, clowns should count as monsters.)))

JASKIER IS WEARING A HOT PINK SHIRT AND A PASTEL PINK JEAN JACKET. HIS NAILS ARE PAINTED GOLD.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK HOODIE WITH RED STRINGS AND HIS SILVER MEDALLION. HIS HAIR HANGS LOOSE, WITH A STRAND OVER ONE SHOULDER AND THE REST BEHIND HIS BACK. HE LOOKS TIRED.

JASKIER

Hello, everybody! Welcome back to The ABCs of Monsters and Magic! I’m Jaskier, this is Geralt. I hope you had a fun solstice last week!

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

Did you have a nice solstice, Geralt?

GERALT RAISES HIS EYEBROWS.

GERALT

You were there.

JASKIER

Yes, I know. And I enjoyed myself. I hope you did, too.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER (DEEPER THAN USUAL)

Hmm.

HE SMILES. GERALT SMILES BACK, SMALLER.

GERALT

Letter?

JASKIER

Yes, indeed, we do have a letter! And I think it’s your time to read it, Geralt.

GERALT, WHO WAS CLEARLY ALREADY HOLDING THE LETTER IN HIS LAP, BRINGS IT UP INTO VIEW. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.

GERALT (QUIETLY)

From Frank (PAUSE) of Kaer Morhen.

JASKIER LOOKS SURPRISED.

GERALT

“Hello. What is the most amazing, beautiful thing you have seen out on the Path, that you wouldn’t have gotten to see if you weren’t a witcher?”

JASKIER (SOFTLY)

That’s a great question.

GERALT

It is.

GERALT CAREFULLY FOLDS THE PAPER AND LOWERS IT OUT OF VIEW. HE SMILES, BUT LOOKS A LITTLE SAD.

GERALT

It’s… difficult. To pick just one thing. I have seen so much. Sunsets. Flowers. Families reuniting. Storms, out at sea. Things that seem too… big. To be real. Every time. But once. I was deep in a cave. Taken Cat.

JASKIER

The Cat potion is something witchers drink to see in the dark. It’s pretty cool.

GERALT

Cave opens up. There’s… a lake. Underground. But there’s a hole, high up. Showing the sky. Stars reflecting on the water. I sit on the shore. Rest. Been a battle, earlier. I watch the water, the stars. Get to this… mid-point. When the Cat isn’t gone, I can see. But it’s lessening, so I start seeing color again. Glitter in the walls. And I think. This is beautiful. I could stay in this moment forever.

JASKIER (AWED)

That sounds amazing!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

Thank you for your letter, Frank. I hope you get to see countless wonderful things, and tell all the stories.

GERALT NODS, SOLEMNLY. THE CAMERA CUTS AWAY.

(((Okay. So when this aired, I realized that Frank was probably a witcher trainee, and I thought it was cute. I didn’t know how many trainees die. Not until it was all the internet would talk about. How the letter might have been some kind of last wish. This little kid just… getting his name out there in the world in case he died.

Kaer Morhen has since confirmed that he didn’t die, at least not then. And we’re not going to be the kind of horrible people who badger them about it, okay? Yes, I agree that the child mortality rate is the stuff of actual nightmares, but it’s not like the witchers don't know that. It’s their nightmare!)))

CLOSE-UP OF THE BOWL OF SURPRISE. ZOOMES OUT TO SHOW JASKIER AND GERALT.

JASKIER

So! Let’s see what we’re learning about today, hm? Drumroll, please!

JASKIER MAKES DRUMMING MOTIONS IN THE AIR, AND THERE IS AN ADDED SOUND EFFECT.

GERALT TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF THE BOWL AND UNFOLDS IT.

GERALT

Manticore.

JASKIER

Ooh, cool! Like one of the schools.

GERALT

Hm.

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND WITH WHITE TEXT.

THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN IS FILLED WITH DRY, CRACKED EARTH. AN ANIMATED WITCHER WALKS ACROSS IT. THE WITCHER IS BLACK WITH DARK HAIR, AND WEARS A TANN ARMOR THAT LOOKS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT IS TRADITIONAL FURTHER NORTH.

TRISS (VOICE-OVER)

Once upon a time there was only one school for witchers, but it has split into different ones over time. Today there are seven schools, all named after various animals, both magical and not. One of the oldest is the School of the Manticores. They have their headquarters in the Korath desert.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE WITCHER’S SILVER MEDALLION, WHICH BEARS A SYMBOL THAT LOOKS LIKE A LION WITH HORNS, BUT IS - OF COURSE - A MANTICORE.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO. THE BOWL OF SURPRISE IS GONE.

JASKIER

So, what are manticores? The monsters, I mean. Not the fine, upstanding witchers from that school.

GERALT

Hm. Like lions, but with wings. And tails like a scorpion. And venom in their tails and claws.

JASKIER

That doesn’t sound a lot like a lion to me.

GERALT

They’re not lions.

JASKIER

No, indeed. What do they want?

GERALT

Eat people.

JASKIER

Oh, that old classic. You know, I don’t understand why so many monsters want to eat people. We can’t taste that good.

GERALT SHRUGS.

JASKIER

So how do you avoid getting eaten, then?

GERALT

Get inside. House or car. Call help.

JASKIER

1-1-2!

GERALT

If a manticore’s been seen. Flying around. There’ll be a warning. A loud warning sound, and more instructions on the radio. Means stay inside.

JASKIER

Right! So let’s say you’re at school, or a friend’s house, or the grocery store. If there’s a warning like that, you stay in-doors, and away from the windows, until the coast is clear. It’s very important! (TURNS TO GERALT) But Geralt, how will people know the coast is clear?

GERALT

It’ll say on the radio. And people, witchers, mages, will go around too. Check on people.

JASKIER

So, you hear the sound. And then you stay in-doors and turn on the radio. I think we should practice listening to the sound, everyone! This is just a test, not a real attack. Are you ready? Three, two, one!

JASKIER HOLDS UP HIS FINGERS AS HE’S COUNTING DOWN. WHEN HE REACES ONE, THERE IS A LOUD, UNPLEASANT SOUND. IT KEEPS GOING IN LONG BEEPS.

JASKIER (LOUDLY)

Yes, I think that’s enough!

THE SOUND STOPS.

JASKIER

It’s important to know what that sounds like, and to know what to do if you hear it. That’s why many of you probably have drills in school sometimes! The sound doesn’t always mean a manticore, but it always means that there is something dangerous happening, and that you should get inside as fast as you can and listen to the radio.

GERALT

In some cases, you should leave a car to get inside a house. If it’s a manticore, you should stay in the car. Good steel in cars, manticores don’t like it. (PAUSE) But you shouldn’t leave a house to get into a car.

JASKIER

What if it isn’t a house or a car, but something with a roof over your head? Like… under a bridge, or in a playhouse?

GERALT THINKS IT OVER.

GERALT

If there’s something close enough that you can run. And you don’t see a monster. You run.

JASKIER

And if there isn’t?

GERALT

Hm. If you have a radio, listen. Try to figure out what the danger is, and decide what to do when you know. If you don’t know… Start walking to safety. You want to get there as quickly as you can, but not run, in case something sees you. Try to stay under cover when you can.

JASKIER

Okay! So: Staying inside. Listening to the radio, if there’s already been a warning. And if there haven’t, but I see a manticore, I call 1-1-2.

GERALT

Call either way, if you see one. Helps narrow down where precisely it is, even if witchers are already looking for it. And you can get rescued.

JASKIER

Getting rescued’s good!

GERALT

And stay inside. A manticore almost always sticks around. If you can’t see it anymore, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. And if you see a witcher fight it, that doesn’t mean you should get out to… take photographs, or… look at the fight. It’s very dangerous. And makes the witcher’s job harder.

JASKIER

Very important!

GERALT

You get to see one now, anyway. Safe on TV. Don’t need to do something stupid in real life.

JASKIER SMILES A KID ON HIS BIRTHDAY, LOOKING INCREDIBLY EXCITED TO SEE THE DEADLY MONSTER.

CUT TO A LARGE, ORNATE GATE, OVER WHICH THE WORDS ”METINNA CITY ZOO” CAN BE READ.

JASKIER AND GERALT ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE GATE, JASKIER IS SMILING, GERALT LOOKS DISSATISFIED.

JASKIER IS WEARING A LIGHT GREEN T-SHIRT, A PAIR OF LIGHT CAPRI-PANTS AND A GARLAND WITH A BADGE THAT READS “VISITOR.”

GERALT IS WEARING TRADITIONAL BLACK WITCHER ARMOR AND HIS SILVER MEDALLION. HE HAS HIS HAIR UP AND OUT OF HIS FACE, A SWORD ACROSS HIS BACK AND HAS AT LEAST TWO POTION-BOTTLES VISIBLE HANGING FROM HIS BELT. HE DOES NOT WEAR A VISITOR-BADGE.

JASKIER

Manticores are very old monsters. They’ve done some important things in history. So a lot of people are interested in seeing one, without being attacked. And that’s why some zoos have them! The Metinna City Zoo is one of them, and they have agreed to let us come in after the zoo closes to film their manticore for you. Isn’t that nice of them?

GERALT

Hm.

GERALT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HE FINDS THIS NICE AT ALL.

JASKIER

We’ll be guided by one of the zoo-keepers, who doesn’t want to be seen on TV. That’s okay, everyone can be a bit shy sometimes!

CUT TO OUTSIDE A LARGE ZOO ENCLOSURE. THERE ARE METAL BARS, WITH GLAS IN BETWEEN THEM, AND GLOWING RUNES. THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SHOW THAT THE BARS GO HIGH UP, AND FORMS THE ROOF OF THE ENCLOSURE. AS ONE WOULD HOPE, FOR A CREATURE THAT HAS WINGS.

ZOO-KEEPER (FROM OUTSIDE THE FRAME)

We take the safety of our visitors very seriously, of course. We have mages on staff to make sure the magical protections never fail, and a witcher consultant inspects the enclosure twice a year.

GERALT (FROM OUTSIDE THE FRAME)

Hm.

ZOO-KEEPER (WHISPERS FROM OUTSIDE THE FRAME)

And there she is. Isn’t she majestic?

THE CAMERA PANS DOWN AND ZOOMS IN ON THE MANTICORE, WHICH IS LYING BY THE FOOT OF A TREE. SHE LOOKS UP, EERIE EYES MEETING THE CAMERA, AND GOES TO HER FEET. HER MOVEMENTS ARE SLOW, BUT GRACEFUL.

THE MANTICORE ONLY BARELY LOOKS LIKE A LION. SHE HAS LARGE, BAT-LIKE WINGS; A THICK, POWERFUL TAIL WITH A STINGER ON THE END; HORNS; HUGE CLAWS; SO MANY TEETH THAT IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THEY FIT IN HER MOUTH PROPERLY; AND WEIRDLY POINTY EARS. ALSO, SHE HAS A MANE DESPITE APPARENTLY BEING FEMALE.

THE MANTICORE STRETCHES ITSELF OUT LIKE A HOUSE-CAT, AND THEN, VERY UNLIKE A HOUSE-CAT, LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH A SINGLE POWERFUL FLAP OF ITS WINGS. IT SPEEDS DIRECTLY TOWARDS THE CAMERA, BEFORE TAKING A SHARP TURN AT THE LAST MOMENT RATHER THAN CRASHING INTO THE BARS.

IT FLIES A LAP AROUND THE ENCLOSURE BEFORE LANDING AT THE TOP OF A TREE. IT TURNS ITS HEAD TO ONCE MORE MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE CAMERA IN AN INCREDIBLY CREEPY WAY.

CUT TO GERALT - LOOKING DISPLEASED - AND JASKIER - IMPRESSED.

JASKIER

Amazing!

GERALT

Hm.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO.

JASKIER APPEARS TO BE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS HE DID AT THE ZOO, BUT WITH AN UNZIPPED PURPLE HOODIE OVER THE T-SHIRT. HE NO LONGER LOOKS PLEASED.

GERALT IS WEARING A DARK-GREY SHIRT INSTEAD OF HIS ARMOR. HE IS STILL WEARING HIS MEDALLION.

(((I might stop stating that every time. Like, just assume Geralt and the other witchers are wearing their medallions. I will definitely point out if that is ever not the case.)))

JASKIER (TO GERALT)

I don’t think the people at the zoo like us anymore.

GERALT SHRUGS.

GERALT

Twice a year isn’t often enough for inspection. Should be ready.

JASKIER

And they passed your surprise inspection!

GERALT

Of course. Wouldn’t have brought you there if I thought they wouldn’t.

JASKIER

So why…?

GERALT

Doesn’t hurt. People visit that zoo every day. Families. Expecting to be safe. (SIGH) Don’t think it ever can be fully safe. It’s a manticore. Would be terrible if she got out. But if there has to be a zoo, and people watching. Should be as safe as it can.

JASKIER

And was it?

GERALT

Passed the test. But should test more often. Not get comfortable.

JASKIER

And that’s as close to a seal of approval you’re ever gonna give, isn’t it?

GERALT (GRUDGINGLY)

Hm. Don’t approve of places like that. But at least it lets people see what things look like.

JASKIER

Like we do, here on The ABCs of Monsters and Magic!

GERALT

Mm. Safer. No manticore to crawl through the screen, if something goes wrong.

JASKIER LAUGHS, AS IF THAT ISN’T AN ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING IDEA.

JASKIER

I’m all for learning about monsters in safe ways! And I think I learned a lot about manticores today. In fact, it’s high time for The Manticore Song!

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND, WHITE KARAOKE STYLE TEXT. THE SONG IS UP-BEAT AND FUNNY, BUT NOT ONE OF THE BEST. AN ANIMATED JASKIER PLAYS HIS LUTE WHILE AN ANIMATED GERALT FIGHTS A MANTICORE. IT SWEEPS DOWN AT HIM WHILE HE DEFENDS HIMSELF WITH HIS SWORD AND MAGIC. WHEN HE USES MAGIC, HE HITS THE GROUND AND SMALL, VAGUELY HOURGLASS-SHAPED SIGNS COMES UP.

(((I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to represent the witcher sign “Yrden”, but I could be wrong. Everything I know about witcher signs I’ve either learned from this show - which is obviously aimed at little kids - or seen some rando claim online - which may be incredibly wrong for all I know.)))

GERALT WINS THE FIGHTS, THE SONG ENDS, AND WE SWITCH TO END-CREDITS AND OUTRO SONG.

THE END CREDITS INCLUDE A THANK YOU TO THE METINNA CITY ZOO. IT’S UNCLEAR HOW GRATEFUL THE ZOO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN IN RETURN.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 8

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE. UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS ON THE WALL: A TIKBALANG, AN ARCHESPORE, A MANTICORE AND AN ARMORED HOUND.

(((The fact that all drawings are of things that have previously been on the show might have been a deliberate PR thing, since this was right in the middle of an anti-witcher shitstorm. Like, there was a two week gap between this episode and the last, and protesters outside of Kaer Morhen and everything. They weren’t really protesting the show, but I could see how the production team might have wanted to hammer home that the ABCs were about giving kid’s life-saving information, and not something that should be shut down.)))

JASKIER IS WEARING A LIGHT BLUE T-SHIRT WITH PURPLE PIPING AND MATCHING PURPLE NAIL POLISH. HE IS SMILING, BUT IT MIGHT BE A BIT STRAINED.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK LONG-SLEEVED SHIRT AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION. HE LOOKS GRIM, LIKE HE’S EXPECTING SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO HAPPEN AT ANY MOMENT.

JASKIER

Welcome back to The ABCs of Monsters and Magic! And how nice to be back! I’ve missed you, these last two weeks. But we’re back again, and we’ll be here next week too, and the one after that, and so on! If this is your first time here, I’m Jaskier, and this is my best friend Geralt of the Wolf School. He’s a witcher, I play music. Together we talk about monsters, and learn how to stay safe.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

But before we get into all that exciting learning, we have a letter from one of you! (TAKES OUT A LETTER) This is from Ludwika in Oxenfurt. Very nice city, by the way, I went to school there! Now let’s see… “Hello Geralt and Jaskier.” Hi!

JASKIER NUDGES GERALT.

GERALT

Hello.

JASKIER

“I wanted to say thank you. I really like the show. Last year some armored hounds tried to get into the house when it was just me and my little sister at home. It was very scary.” I bet it was! “They couldn’t get in, so they went away, and we were fine. But I was still so scared. I had nightmares all the time. And I still have them, sometimes, but now me and my sister sing the bad puppy song before we go to sleep, and it makes us feel better.” I’m so, so glad that you’re okay, and that my song can help you, even just a little bit.

JASKIER LOOKS A BIT OVERWHELMED, AND CLOSE TO TEARS. GERALT PUTS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

GERALT

Nightmares are… unpleasant. But they go away, when you wake up. Like the monsters went away from your house. Still need to sleep again, and maybe have another nightmare, but then you wake up from that one too. And get to have good dreams, as well. And energy. To face the day.

(((Okay, remember what I just said about PR? Yeah. A lot of people thought this letter was pretty deliberately chosen. And it probably was. But some went as far as accusing them of making the whole thing up. The kid’s parents tried to sue some gossip paper, but it didn’t stick. Because the journalist hadn’t actually said their daughter lied, just that she didn’t exist which was apparently completely different, legally? I don’t claim to understand lawyer stuff. Also, this is just what I heard, so you know. I might have misunderstood or misremembered or something.)))

JASKIER

And I hope you have many pleasant dreams, Ludwika. Also (SMIRKS) I notice how you call it The Bad Puppy Song. Which is clearly a much better name than The Armored Hounds Song! See, Geralt? Our friends at home are on my side!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And I think it’s time for us to bring in the Bowl of Surprise, don’t you?

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

My thoughts exactly.

CUT TO THE BOWL OF SURPRISE BEING IN FRONT OF THEM.

GERALT

Your turn.

JASKIER

Oh, so it is. Here I go!

THERE’S A DRUM ROLL SOUND EFFECT. JASKIER DRAWS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE BOWL.

JASKIER

Matagot.

GERALT

Hm. Cat spirit. Well. Can take different forms, but usually a black cat. Big. Glowing eyes.

JASKIER

Cool! What do they do?

GERALT

Depends. Can be helpful. Some people, mostly mages, keep them as pets.

JASKIER

Oooh!

GERALT

But they can be dangerous. If they think they’ve been treated badly.

JASKIER

How so?

GERALT

Had to come get one, once. Had been a pet in a human family for years. Gotten the first bite of the best food every day. Until one day one of the humans forgot.

JASKIER

And it got offended?

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

What did it do? Attack them?

GERALT

Brought bad luck. Car broke down. Lost jobs. Water damage to the house. Kept going.

GERALT SHRUGS.

JASKIER

So they’re, ah, not good pets for beginners is what I’m hearing. Since a single mistake can make them angry enough to ruin everything around you.

GERALT

Mm. Can get very bad. People die, sometimes. Painful.

JASKIER WINCES.

JASKIER

That does indeed sound bad! Can they bring bad luck to other people, too, or are you safe as long as you don’t try to keep them as pets?

GERALT

Can always be dangerous. But less. Be nice to them, don’t shout or throw rocks. And you’re usually fine.

JASKIER

Sounds easy enough! Is there something else people should keep in mind?

GERALT

Mm. Black cats still exist. Some people think all big, dark cats are matagots. Bad luck. Or evil.

JASKIER

So how can you tell the difference between a cat and a matagot?

GERALT

Hm. Don’t want to say something that would confuse people. Some cats are just big. Or have especially glowing eyes. A witcher could tell. Or mage. Or vet. (PAUSE) Also, if it shapeshifts between a cat and a dog or fox or cow… It’s not a cat.

JASKIER LAUGHS.

JASKIER

Yes, that might be a bit of a clue!

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND WITH WHITE TEXT. A LARGE BLACK CAT (OR PRESUMABLY MATAGOT) WALKS ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN, THEN SITS DOWN TO LICK A PAW.

TRISS (VOICE-OVER)

People have thought about matagots differently at different places and times. Some think that just seeing a matagot is a very bad omen, that will bring bad luck or even death. Others think that matagots bring good luck, as long as everyone is nice to them. They can be kept as pets, but you need special permission from the government to do so, because the accidents a matagot can cause can be bad for people other than just you. In order to get that permission, you need to be an adult. The most common age-limit is 25, and there are other rules as well. Families with children are not allowed to keep matagots.

CUT TO A COZY KITCHEN. IT HAS A FADED FLORAL WALLPAPER, A WOODEN TABLE, A BLUE CHAIR AND ONE OF THOSE WOODEN KITCHEN-SOFA-BED THINGS. THE LATTER IS BLUE WITH CHIPPED PAINT. IT LOOKS KIND OF RURAL, AND LIKE A GRANDMA MIGHT LIVE THERE. GERALT AND JASKIER ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA, WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS BEFORE.

LYTTA COMES IN. SHE HAS LONG, RED HAIR, PALE SKIN, GREEN EYES AND THE STUNNING BEAUTY OF A MAGE. SHE WEARS A WHITE DRESS THAT ISN’T EXACTLY REVEALING, BUT MORE SO THAN WHAT YOU USUALLY SEE ON CHILDREN’S TV. VERY MUCH NOT A COZY GRANDMA-TYPE OF LOOK. SHE’S CARRYING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BLACK CAT THE SIZE OF A LABRADOR.

JASKIER

This is Lytta of Aretuza! She went to magic school with our friends Yenn and Istredd. And who’s this, Lytta?

LYTTA PUTS DOWN THE MATAGOT ON THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR. THE MATAGOT BLOCKS MOST OF JASKIER FROM VIEW, BUT THEN LAYS DOWN AND CURLS AROUND ITSELF (VERY MUCH LIKE A CAT) AND WE CAN SEE HIM AGAIN.

LYTTA

I don’t know what he might name himself in his own language, but I call him Odin.

JASKIER (IN A HIGH, TALKING-TO-A-CAT VOICE)

Hi Odin! What a handsome boy you are.

LYTTA

He is, but you should talk to him normally. Maybe a bit extra politely.

JASKIER

Oh. Sorry.

LYTTA

He’s a matagot. You can put a hand out to say hello, like you would a cat, but he probably won’t touch you. Definitely don’t touch him first.

JASKIER HOLDS OUT A HAND. ODIN SNIFFS IT WITHOUT TOUCHING THE HAND, THEN LOOKS AT GERALT. GERALT HOLDS OUT A HAND AS WELL. ODIN SNIFFS IT, TOUCHES IT BRIEFLY, AND THEN BACKS OFF AGAIN. BOTH JASKIER AND GERALT LOOK SURPRISED.

JASKIER

He likes you!

GERALT

Hm. A cat wouldn’t. But he’s not a cat.

JASKIER

No indeed. How did you come to have such a distinguished companion, Lytta?

LYTTA

Well, we met by accident. He seemed to like me, and I knew I could get permission to keep a matagot easily, because I’m a master mage. He’s been with me almost ten years now. It’s been nice, but I think he’ll move on soon.

JASKIER

Oh? Onwards towards some new adventure?

LYTTA

Something like that. Matagots aren’t meant to stay someplace forever, I don’t think.

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

It’s nice that you want him to be free like that.

LYTTA

Well, he’s not like a normal pet. I don’t really own him. We just keep each other company, for a while.

JASKIER

That’s wonderful! Thank you for letting us say hello to him. Or, excuse me, I’m talking to the wrong person. Lytta, thank you for inviting us to your home. Odin, thank you for saying hello to us, and showing the people at home what a beautiful matagot looks like.

ODIN THE MATAGOT TURNS TOWARDS THE CAMERA. HIS EYES ARE INTENSELY GREEN AND GLOWING. HE STARES. THEN BLINKS, ONCE, SLOWLY. IT’S PRETTY DAMN CREEPY. BUT TO BE FAIR, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIT CREEPED OUT BY NORMAL CATS TOO.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO. JASKIER IS WEARING A YELLOW HOODIE AND HOLDING A LUTE. GERALT WEARS THE SAME CLOTHES AS BEFORE.

JASKIER

That was so cool!

GERALT

Hm.

JASKIER

And I’m glad he liked you.

GERALT

Didn’t expect it. (PAUSE) Forgot he’s not a cat, maybe. Like I said not to.

JASKIER

Yeah. That seems like a very easy mistake to make. Even with how big he is!

GERALT

Mm. ‘twas nice.

JASKIER

I bet it was! I’ve always loved cats, it breaks my heart they don’t come running to you for cuddles.

GERALT SHRUGS.

GERALT

Witcher. Don’t like the smell.

JASKIER

And it’s so sad!

GERALT

Don’t mind. Horses like me. And not just Roach. Normal ones.

JASKIER

Horses adore you. It’s very sweet. Well, I think it’s time for a song.

GERALT

Don’t call it the bad kitty song.

JASKIER

Certainly not! We were just talking about how they aren’t even cats! And I don’t think they’re particularly bad, either. Not like the armored hounds.

GERALT

Hm. Dangerous. But not evil.

JASKIER

Right! I was thinking Odin’s Song, actually. After our new friend today.

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND, KARAOKE STYLE TEXT. AN ANIMATED MATAGOT DANCES TO THE MUSIC, TURNING BETWEEN CAT, DOG, FOX AND COW FORM. THE SONG IS PRETTY CATCHY, AND COMPLIMENTARY TOWARDS MATAGOTS IN GENERAL AND ODIN IN PARTICULAR, WHILE STILL EMPHASIZING HOW DANGEROUS THEY CAN BE.

(((If you know your memes, the line “this kitty is not a cat” might sound familiar to you. I’m fairly sure it’s the origin, right here. It wasn’t a very long-lived meme, but I found one for you for the sake of nostalgia.)))

[Image description: A picture of an elephant, with text reading "this kitty" above, and "is not a cat" below.]

END CREDITS AND OUTRO SONG.

THERE’S A SPECIAL THANKS BOTH TO LYTTA AND ODIN, WITH AN ADORABLE LITTLE PAWPRINT NEXT TO ODIN’S NAME.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 9

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS ON THE WALL: A BIG TENTACLE MONSTER THING, A HULDRA, A DROWNER, AND ODIN THE MATAGOT (HELPFULLY NAMED IN PURPLE CRAYON).

JASKIER IS WEARING PASTEL PURPLE DUNGAREES OVER A WHITE T-SHIRT. HE HAS BRIGHT YELLOW NAIL POLISH, AND WEARS TWO HAIR CLIPS, A WHITE HEART AND A YELLOW STAR.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK AND GRAY STRIPED SHIRT AND HIS WITCHER MEDALLION. MOST OF HIS WHITE HAIR IS PULLED UP IN A HIGH KNOT.

JASKIER

Hi everyone! It’s me, Jaskier, and my best friend and witcher Geralt. It’s time, once again, for The ABCs of Monsters and Magic!

GERALT

Mm. Welcome.

JASKIER

Welcome back indeed! And a special thanks to one of our friends at home for writing to us! This is from nine-year-old Piotr from Cidaris.

A HAND REACHES IN FROM THE SIDE OF THE SCREEN AT GERALT’S SIDE, HOLDING A FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER. GERALT TAKES IT, BUT PASSES IT TO JASKIER. JASKIER DOESN’T MISS A BEAT, JUST UNFOLDS THE LETTER AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.

JASKIER

“Hello Jaskier and Geralt and everybody.” Hi! “Almost all the girls at school jump rope at recess. Almost no boys. But our teacher said only boys did jump-rope a long, long time ago. And then it became a girly thing later. But that everyone should be allowed. And girl-boy rules are stupid.” I agree with your teacher, Piotr. Everyone should be able to play any kind of game they want, no matter if they’re boys or girls!

GERALT

Or neither.

JASKIER

Right! Some people aren’t boys or girls. Or both at the same time! And that’s all okay.

GERALT

Mm. If you, or someone, is… different. People can be mean. Shouldn’t. Should be nice. But it happens.

JASKIER

Yeah. It’s… yeah.

GERALT

Should keep reading, Jask.

JASKIER

Hm? Oh! Yes, sorry. So, Piotr’s very smart teacher says that everyone should be allowed to play. “Is it true jump-rope used to be only a boy thing? If Geralt is super mega old, do you remember?”

JASKIER IS VISIBLY HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER.

GERALT SHRUGS.

GERALT

Don’t know. We had jump-ropes at… at Kaer Morhen. When I was little. But weren't any girls there yet. So I wouldn’t know.

JASKIER

Really? You played jump-rope?

GERALT

Mm. Good for control. Hand-eye coordination. (PAUSE) And fun.

JASKIER

Did you have any games? Rhymes and songs?

GERALT HESITATES, THEN NODS. JASKIER’S EYES SPARKLE.

CUT TO WHAT MIGHT BE A WAREHOUSE INTERIOR, WITH A LARGE OPEN AREA.

THERE IS A WITCHER STANDING AT EACH END OF A WIDE SHOT, WITH GERALT IN THE MIDDLE. THE NEW WITCHERS AREN’T INTRODUCED, BUT THE END CREDIT CALLS THEM GWELD AND GARDIS OF THE WOLVES. THEY BOTH WEAR CIVILIAN CLOTHES IN MUTED COLORS. GERALT IS IN FULL ARMOR.

GWELD AND GARDIS SWING MULTIPLE LONG ROPES DIZZYINGLY FAST. GERALT JUMPS THE ROPES WHILE CHANTING WHAT I’M FAIRLY SURE ARE SCIENTIFIC MONSTER NAMES.

AFTER ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS OF THIS SPECTACULAR VIEW WE CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO, NOW WITH THE BOWL OF SURPRISE.

GERALT IS BACK IN HIS STRIPED SHIRT, AND THE JUMP ROPE ADVENTURE ISN’T MENTIONED. PRESUMABLY IT HADN’T BEEN FILMED YET.

JASKIER

Thank you again, Piotr! And just like anyone can play with any toy, anyone can - and should! - learn about monsters!

Geralt

Mm. Important.

JASKIER

Very! So, Geralt, why don’t you draw something from the Bowl of Surprise? Let’s find out what we’re learning about today!

GERALT PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE BOWL.

GERALT

Chupakabra.

JASKIER

I think I’ve heard of those. Likes to eat goats, right?

GERALT

Mm. Goat blood is their favorite meal. Like other livestock too. Sheep, cows. And pets. Sometimes come to cities for the wild dogs. Bite, drain their blood.

JASKIER

But they don’t eat humans? Or drink them.

GERALT

Not usually. Can attack if they’re scared. Or very hungry.

JASKIER

Huh. So what do I do if I see one?

GERALT

If it can escape, be scary. Try to look big. Yell, like you’re angry. Throw things at it, rocks, whatever you can find.

JASKIER

Alright! If it can run away, I scare it, and it runs. What if it’s backed in a corner?

GERALT

Back away. Slow, quiet. Make a way for it to escape. (PAUSE) And if you have an adult with you, hide behind them. The adult should have their hands free, able to hit the chupacabra if they need to. Can’t pick you up.

JASKIER

Hitting the chupacabra is an option?

GERALT

If you have to.

JASKIER

Last resort, got ya.

GERALT

You scare the chupacabra away. Then call… hm. Different places in different countries. Pest control.

JASKIER

Tell an adult. They can look up online who they should contact wherever you live. So it’s not witchers?

GERALT

If it has attacked humans, it’s a witcher job. Not usually, otherwise. If there’s a problem, or they don’t have the training, they call us.

JASKIER

Huh. Anything else to keep in mind?

GERALT

Can carry illness. If it bites or scratches you… even if it’s only a little while it runs, and you don’t lose a lot of blood. Need to see healers, get vaccine, or ritual.

JASKIER

That’s super important! Always speak to a healer if you get bitten by a monster, or wild animal.

GERALT

And if it says on the news a chupacabra’s around. Keep your pets indoors.

JASKIER

Also a good tip!

LIGHT BLUE INFOGRAPHIC WITH WHITE TEXT. AN ANIMATED CHUPACABRA JUMPS AROUND THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. IT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A GRAY REPTILE AND A VERY UGLY DOG, WITH SPINES ALONG THE BACK AND TAIL. IT’S STANDING (AND JUMPING) MOSTLY UPRIGHT ON ITS HIND-LEGS.

TRISS (VOICE-OVER)

The chupacabra is a kind of vampire. Like most vampires, it survives by drinking blood. Luckily they prefer the blood of animals over people, but they can still be dangerous. If you see a chupacabra, it is important to report it so that everyone can be warned.

When a warning goes out, everyone should keep their pets inside, and farmers protect their livestock. You can still play outside, but not alone. Stay in groups, and have an adult nearby.

CUT TO WHAT APPEARS TO BE A REST-STOP ALONG THE SIDE OF A ROAD.

THERE’S A LARGE BROWN VAN WITH BLURRED PLATES. THREE PEOPLE STAND IN FRONT OF THE VAN: JASKIER, DRESSED IN A DENIM JACKET, WHITE SHIRT AND FLORAL PANTS. GERALT, DRESSED IN HIS WITCHER ARMOR AND WITH A SWORD ON THE BACK. AND AN ELVEN WOMAN IN A PAIR OF WORKER’S PANTS AND A RED HOODIE. SHE HAS DARK HAIR, PALE SKIN AND BROWN EYES. WE’RE ABOUT TO LEARN THIS IS LORETHIEL.

JASKIER

Everyone, this is Lorethiel!

LORETHIEL

Hello.

JASKIER

Can you tell us a little bit about what you do?

LORETHIEL

Sure. I work at a place called Vizima Animal Control. We deal with wild animals, and sometimes minor monsters, that get into the city when they shouldn’t. Recently my team caught a chupacabra. Normally we kill monsters if we catch them, but it was decided that since the chupacabra hadn’t attacked any people, it should be released into the wild.

LORETHIEL DOESN’T LOOK ESPECIALLY PLEASED WITH THIS.

JASKIER

Cool!

LORETHIEL

So I get to load it into my car and drive it far enough into the sticks that it won’t just come back. Or, you know, get at some other town.

JASKIER

And you have it in the car now?

LORETHIEL

Oh yeah.

JASKIER

Can we see?

LORETHIEL

I guess. It’s asleep, though. The cage’s got a spell on it, knocks ‘em out for the whole trip.

CUT TO LORETHIEL OPENING THE BACK DOORS.

WE CAN SEE A LARGE METAL CAGE THAT GLEAMS BLUISH-GREY. THERE’S A CREATURE ASLEEP ON A BLANKET AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CAGE. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN, SHOWING SCALY SKIN AND A LINE OF SHARP-LOOKING SPINES. THE HEAD IS TURNED AWAY.

JASKIER (DISAPPOINTED)

Oh. You really can’t see it very well, can you.

LORETHIEL

I’m not letting it out just so you can get a better view.

JASKIER

No, no! Of course not!

GERALT

Hm. Could take custody. Save you the trip.

LORETHIEL HESITATES, THEN SHRUGS.

LORETHIEL

I guess you guys are supposed to be the experts. You’ll need to sign some paperwork first, though. Chain of custody and all.

CUT TO JASKIER IN THE FOREGROUND, WITH GERALT AND LORETHIEL LOOKING OVER SOME PAPERS ON A CLIPBOARD FURTER BACK.

JASKIER

What they’re doing now is signing special papers saying that Geralt is going to take the chupacabra, and keep bringing it into the wild. Earlier on the paper it will say that Lorethiel put it in her car, and where it was before that. (GESTURES WITH HIS HANDS) You’ve probably lost track of something before, right? Maybe your favorite toy, or your math homework. Losing a monster would be very bad. So to help make sure that doesn't happen, there’s the special paper to say where it should be. If you can’t leave the monster somewhere without signing the paper first, you can’t just put it down somewhere by mistake. That’s called the chain of custody. Whenever someone is responsible for the monster, it’s called having custody of it. And every person is like a link in a chain, tied together one after the other.

CUT TO FURTHER BACK.

GERALT IS STANDING BY THE STILL OPEN CAR, SWORD HELD IN ONE HAND. THERE IS NOW ANOTHER CAGE ON THE GROUND BESIDE HIM.

LORETHIEL IS STANDING A FEW METERS AWAY, HOLDING A RIFLE WITH A FLUFFY PINK FEATHER AT THE END, PRESUMABLY READY TO SHOOT THE CHUPACABRA WITH A SLEEP DART.

JASKIER IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN, PRESUMABLY STAYING AT A SAFE DISTANCE WITH THE CAMERA CREW.

GERALT OPENS THE CAGE DOOR, QUICKLY STEPS BACK AND RAISES HIS FREE HAND.

THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS IN ON THE CHUPACABRA AS IT BEGINS TO MOVE. IT SEEMS TO TAKE AN ETERNITY BEFORE IT GETS UP, EACH MOVEMENT SLEEPY AND SLOW. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS. FINALLY, IT SHAKES ITSELF, LOOKS AT GERALT AND TENSES UP.

JASKIER (WHISPERS, OFF-SCREEN)

There it goes. Good morning.

GERALT MAKES A SHARP GESTURE WITH HIS HAND. A SMALL GREEN LIGHT SEEMS TO FLY OUT FROM HIS HAND AND HIT THE CREATURE. THE TENSE MUSIC IS CUT OFF, REPLACED BY A SINGLE VIOLIN NOTE.

THE CHUPACABRA RELAXES, AND CALMLY JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR, TO STAND ON ALL FOUR LEGS IN FRONT OF GERALT. IT APPEARS UNDER HIS CONTROL.

BLUE INFOGRAPHIC BACKGROUND WITH WHITE TEXT. A LIME GREEN UPSIDE-DOWN TRIANGLE APPEARS NEXT TO THE TEXT. THE UPPER RIGHT CORNER OF THE TRIANGLE HAS A SLIGHT GAP IN IT, PREVENTING IT FROM BEING A CLOSED LINE.

TRISS (VOICE-OVER)

A witcher can’t do the same kind of spells a mage can. But they can do something called signs. The name sign probably comes from the symbols that each one uses. Kind of like calling it symbol-magic.

One of the signs is called Axii. Witchers use it to control or calm down animals and monsters. It can be very helpful, but only works for a few seconds or minutes. Witchers cannot use Axii against people, only animals and monsters.

(((Yeah… People freaked out a bit about this too. Because like, when Triss says cannot she means aren’t allowed to, not that they couldn’t. Super illegal, not impossible.

Some people take that to mean witchers go around mind-controlling everyone around them. I’ve never understood that. For one, if witchers did turn people into little puppets, wouldn’t they do that to the people who hate on them? Just turn their enemies into marionettes? For another, there’s the limitations Triss just mentioned. It’s so quick, and the person who got controlled would know they’d been controlled once it was over. If they let them go, the victim would tell everyone. And if they weren’t planning on letting them go, why bother with magic when they could just behead whoever with their swords?

TLDR; It’s all fearmongering and bullshit.)))

GERALT GESTURES AT THE CAGE ON THE GROUND. THE CHUPACABRA TROTS RIGHT IN. GERALT KICKS THE DOOR CLOSED (((and it seems like it might magically lock itself or something?))) AND LETS HIS MAGIC HAND FALL. THE CHUPACABRA TENSES RIGHT BACK UP.

GERALT TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND GIVES A THUMBS UP. (((It looks kind of strange, like he should be too serious to do something like that, but adorable in its unexpectedness.))) JASKIER CHEERS.

LORETHIEL

Well, I guess that’s that. It’s your problem now.

GERALT

We’ll handle it.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO.

JASKIER

I didn’t actually get to come when Geralt released the chupacabra. It’s safer for me and my friends on the camera crew if we aren’t there, and less stressful for the chupacabra without a ton of people around. But one of Geralt’s siblings joined him to film it, so we’ll still get to see everything!

CUT TO THE WOODS.

THE CAGE WITH THE CHUPACABRA IS STANDING ON THE FOREST FLOOR. GERALT IS STANDING A METER OR SO BESIDE THE CAGE. HE’S WEARING AN OVERSIZED, RED AND BLUE WINDBREAKER ON TOP OF HIS ARMOR. THE JACKET IS OPEN, AND HAS A NEON YELLOW ZIPPER. GERALT ISN’T CARRYING HIS SWORDS.

GERALT

Normally, when I’m releasing a monster, I have a sword or sign ready. Or both. Gonna do it differently today. Can still use a sign if something goes wrong. Or my sibling could help. But I’m gonna pretend I’m not a witcher. Show how you could scare away a chupacabra. (PAUSE) Sounds mean, being scary on purpose. But better, safer, for everyone.

GERALT NODS SERIOUSLY, AS IF AGREEING WITH HIMSELF.

HE SWOOPS OVER TO THE CAGE, SUPER FAST, OPENS THE DOOR AND THEN GOES BACK TO WHERE HE WAS JUST AS QUICK. HE NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE CREATURE.

GERALT (LOUDLY AND ANGRILY)

Go away! We don’t want you here, you monster! Get lost!

AS HE’S YELLING, HE WAVES HIS ARMS AROUND, STAMPS HIS FEET, THEN USES HIS HANDS TO GRAB A HOLD OF BOTH SIDES OF THE SILLY JACKET AND FLAP THEM OPENED. (((It looks a bit like he’s trying to give himself batwings. It doesn’t make him more intimidating in human eyes, but I’m guessing it’s about looking bigger.)))

THE CHUPACABRA RUNS OUT OF THE CAGE. ON ALL FOURS LIKE A DOG AT FIRST, THEN GOING UP ON ITS HIND-LEGS AND PROPELLING ITSELF INTO AN IMPRESSIVE LEAP. IT QUICKLY DISAPPEARS BETWEEN THE TREES, OUT OF VIEW.

GERALT (YELLING AFTER IT)

And stay gone, you ugly little beast!

HE TURNS TOWARDS THE CAMERA WITH A TIRED SMILE.

GERALT

Just like that. And then, if I wasn’t a witcher. I would call someplace like where Lorethiel works. Tell ‘em I saw a chupacabra. But it’s in the deep wilderness now, where they wanted it. Can skip that step.

(((I hate this scene. Not because of the chupacabra itself, whatever, I see the logic of scaring it. It isn’t like Geralt’s bullying it for shits and giggles. But the things he’s saying sounds so much like the kind of crap people say about witchers sometimes, you know? And were saying more than usual, around when the episode was filmed. Obviously I don’t know what he was thinking here, and I don’t want to read into it too much. Because Geralt is a real person, not some made-up example in a psychology textbook. But it’s hard not to wonder, and hurt a little bit at the possibilities.)))

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO.

IT’S STILL JUST JASKIER, NOW HOLDING HIS LUTE.

JASKIER

I feel a song coming on. Do you think we can get away with a fun name? Geralt isn’t here, after all. What do you think about “Drink That Goat”?

HE SMIRKS, AND STRUMS THE FIRST COARD.

LIGHT BLUE BACKGROUND AND WHITE KARAOKE STYLE TEXT. AN ANIMATED GOAT COMES WANDERING IN, SEEMING TO GRAZE ON INVISIBLE GRASS. AN ANIMATED CHUPACABRA APPEARS FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION. THE SONG WARNS THE GOAT, WHICH TAKES OFF RUNNING. THE CHUPACABRA SPENDS THE REST OF THE SONG CHASING THE GOAT AROUND, NEVER CATCHING IT, PRESUMABLY TO REMAIN FAMILY-FRIENDLY.

THE SONG ITSELF IS DIFFERENT FROM MOST OF THE OTHERS. IT’S STILL BOUNCY AND HAPPY, AND IT GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS. BUT IT ALSO CASTS THE LISTENER IN THE ROLE OF THE CHUPACABRA. FEATURING SUCH LINES AS “drain every drop, bee-doop” ABOUT DRINKING GOAT BLOOD, OR “what foul creature, what horror” WHICH ACTUALLY DESCRIBES THE CHILD SCARING THE CHUPACABRA AWAY.

(((It’s a bit weird, but fun! In my opinion, anyway. And probably very popular with the actual target-demographic as well.)))

(((Morbid little kids, I mean. Not chupacabras.)))

END CREDITS AND OUTRO SONG.

THE CREDIT THANKS LORETHIEL, VIZIMIA ANIMAL CONTROL, AND THE WITCHERS GWELD AND GARDIS OF THE WOLVES. IF THE WITCHER WHO FILMED GERALT IN THE WOODS WAS SOMEONE OTHER THAN GARDIS OR GWELD, THEY AREN’T CREDITED. (((A lot of fans believe it was Eskel, based on the fact that the person was referred to as a sibling rather than a brother, and Eskel is famously nonbinary. (I mean, most of us didn’t even know they existed back when the episode came out, but nowadays.) Some editors on the encyclopedi fansite have tried to credit this episode as Eskel’s first appearance. It keeps getting removed, of course, because it’s basically a headcanon, even if it might sound convincing.)))

(((Personally, I find it kinda silly. Why insist on this as a First Appearance™️ instead of the one where they are both A) definitely there, and B) actually doing something?)))

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CHILDREN’S TV-SHOW “THE ABC’S OF MONSTERS AND MAGIC” SEASON 1, EPISODE 10

OPENING FRAME, PARENTAL ADVISORY IN WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND.

ANIMATED OPENING SEQUENCE.

UP-BEAT OPENING SONG, SUNG BY JASKIER AND SEVERAL CHILDREN.

WE OPEN IN THE STUDIO. THERE ARE FOUR FRAMED DRAWINGS ON THE WALL: A DROWNER, AN ARMORED HOUND LABLED “BAD PUPPY”, A COCKATRICE, AND WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BEAR WITH SPIKES.

JASKIER IS WEARING A LIGHT BLUE T-SHIRT AND A NECKLACE MADE OF COLORFUL, PLASTIC BEADS.

GERALT IS WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT, BLACK NAIL POLISH, AND HIS WITCHER MEDALION.

(((I said I was going to stop mentioning the medallions every time, and yet I keep doing it…)))

JASKIER

Hello, friends! Welcome back to The ABCs of Monsters and Magic! I’m Jaskier!

GERALT

I’m Geralt of the Wolf School.

JASKIER

We’re gonna have so much fun today, I can just feel it! But first: A letter! (HOLDS UP A LETTER) This, my friends, is from Błażej in Glyswen. Geralt, dear, do you want to read it?

GERALT TAKES THE LETTER AND UNFOLDS IT.

GERALT

“Hi. My name is Błażej. I am eight years old.”

JASKIER

Great age! You can go to school and learn things, and play with your friends, and you don’t need to pay taxes!

GERALT

“My sister says drowners are people who drowned until they were dead. And then come back as monsters. But most people can swim. And there are lots of drowners. So is that true? I think she might be lying, but she says she isn’t.”

JASKIER

You know, I’ve never actually thought about that. What a great question! Geralt, how does it work?

GERALT

Hm. Not everyone who drowns become a drowner. Some become other things. And some don’t turn into monsters at all.

JASKIER

Right. But that just makes it more of a mystery, then. Where does the rest of the drowners come from?

GERALT

You’re right.

JASKIER

I am?

GERALT

Mm. It’s a mystery. There are… theories. Few different ones. None proven.

JASKIER

That’s pretty cool! And a bit scary.

GERALT

If there’s a drowner somewhere. Call for witchers. We’ll take care of it.

JASKIER

Excellent advice! And thank you, Błażej, for writing such a thought-provoking letter. With that, I think it’s time for the Bowl of Surprise!

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE BOWL, AND JASKIER’S HAND GRABBING A PIECE OF PAPER. A DRUMROLL PLAYS. WE ZOOM OUT.

JASKIER

Bluecap. Huh. I’ve heard of redcaps…

GERALT

These are friendlier than those. Not usually dangerous.

JASKIER

But can be?

GERALT

Mm.

JASKIER

So what are they?

GERALT

Wolf School says spirit.

JASKIER

Ah, it’s one of the ones where people disagree.

GERALT

Mm. Heard other things. Fairy is pretty common. Goblin, sometimes. Sprite. They look like little blue lights.

JASKIER

Sounds pretty! What do they do?

GERALT

Live in mines, mostly. If miners are respectful and friendly, can lead them to minerals. Or give warning before a cave-in. Or help in other ways.

JASKIER

Well, that does sound useful. But I’m guessing they are less nice if the miners aren’t polite?

GERALT

Can be. Most don’t get too bad, just… ignore the miners. But can get nasty. Cut ropes. Cause accidents. Deaths, sometimes.

JASKIER

Ouf. That’s not nice.

DARK GRAY INFOGRAPHIC WITH WHITE TEXT. AN ANIMATED MINER WITH A HAZARD VEST AND HARDHAT WALKS IN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. HE INTERACTS WITH A SMALL, BLUE LIGHT HOVERING AT ABOUT FACE HEIGHT WITH HIM.

TRISS (VOICE-OVER)

Some people call bluecaps the helpful version of the creatures, and the more angry or mischievous ones Cutty Soames instead. Some think that it’s two different kinds of creatures, others use Cutty Soames like the name of a person. Like it was one specific bluecap that got upset and hurt people. But more than one mine have used the name. Witchers would call all of them bluecaps, regardless of mood. Like you don’t change your name when you become angry.

JASKIER

Now Geralt, I’m not a miner. Does that mean I’ll never meet a bluecap?

GERALT

Mostly it means you should never wander into an abandoned mine. For a lot of reasons. But a bluecap that feels abandoned can be dangerous. Especially if you don’t know how to be respectful to it.

JASKIER

Not going to play in an abandoned mine sounds like excellent advice! But if I do meet a bluecap somehow, how should I show my respect?

GERALT

If you’re in a mine, or cave, and next to the opening. You greet it. Say you’re not a miner. Apologize for disturbing it. Say you’ll leave. Say farewell. Then leave.

JASKIER

So it’s all about being polite, and then leaving as quick as I can.

GERALT

Mm. If you can’t. If you’re further in. Maybe fell down an opening. You start the same.

JASKIER (FORMALLY)

Greetings, honored bluecap. I didn’t mean to drop in like this. I’m sadly not a miner. I apologize for disturbing you.

GERALT (ALSO FORMALLY)

If any other spirit of this mountain can hear me, greetings to you as well.

JASKIER

There might be others?

GERALT

Mm. Even if you don’t see a bluecap, or anything else. Mines have lots of spirits, usually. Always good to be polite. Knock at the wall, lightly, offer greetings.

JASKIER

Good to have manners! Then what?

GERALT

Depends. If people are looking for you. Or you can call for help. Stay where you are. Make polite conversation with the bluecap. But if you don’t have a way to call for help. And no-one knows where you are. And you see a bluecap.

JASKIER

Oh! Can I ask it to lead me out, like it would lead miners to minerals?

GERALT

Yes. Very politely. And if it does, you say thank you, and before you leave the mine, you pay it.

JASKIER

Wait, pay it? What kind of payment does it want?

GERALT

When it’s helping miners, usually you give it money. Same payment the miners would have gotten. Or a portion of coal. Or something.

JASKIER

So if I have some cash on me…

GERALT

Can leave it in a corner for the bluecap.

JASKIER

And if I don’t have any money? Or coal, I guess. What else do they like?

GERALT

Can offer most things. Something you happen to have in your pocket. A bracelet you’re wearing. But not… a candy-wrapper. Not trash. A thing.

JASKIER

But what if I don’t have anything?

GERALT

You say so. Explain you don’t have anything. Promise to come back with payment later. And then it’s very important that you do come back. Or an adult goes. Put down the payment, say thank you. As soon as possible.

JASKIER

Breaking a deal with a creature that some people categorize as a fairy sounds like a terrible idea, yes.

GERALT

Would anger it. And it wouldn’t leave the mine to come after you. But if someone else stumbled into the mine, later.

JASKIER

It wouldn’t be as nice to the next person.

GERALT

And if you meet a bluecap that’s upset already, but you manage to get out. Call a witcher. We’ll come try to talk to it.

JASKIER

Not get rid of it?

GERALT

Try diplomacy first. If talking doesn’t work, yes, we get rid of it.

JASKIER

Very cool! I love when you can work things out with words.

GERALT

We prefer it, too. Doesn’t always work. With some monsters, it never does. But it’s nice.

JASKIER

It’s amazing! Now, Geralt. Is there a way we could meet a bluecap for the show?

GERALT

Mm. Have an idea.

CUT TO OUTSIDE A MINE ENTRANCE, NEXT TO AN OLDER MINER IN UNIFORM AND HARDHAT. JASKIER IS WEARING LIGHTWASH JEANS, A GREEN JACKET, A HAZARD VEST WITH A VISITOR BADGE AND A BRIGHT YELLOW HARDHAT. GERALT IS WEARING HIS BLACK WITCHER ARMOR, HIS SWORDS, AND A YELLOW HARDHAT.

JASKIER

We’re outside the Blandare Silvermine! They often work with bluecaps. This is Gjarr, who will be our guide.

GJARR

Least I could do, after this one (GESTURES TO GERALT) took care of a rock troll as got in some years ago.

GERALT

Was able to relocate him somewhere better.

JASKIER

All’s well that ends well! No danger to the miners, and a nicer home for the troll.

GJARR

We mostly have bluecaps around, these days. Nice little fellows. Do still knock at the wall to thank the Lady o’ the Mountain as we enter, though. For tradition’s sake, if nothing else.

JASKIER

Right. Because mines often have a lot of spirits, and the Lady of the Mountain is important to miners.

GJARR

That she is. Let’s go.

CUT TO THREE HANDS KNOCKING ON THE MOUNTAIN WALL JUST INSIDE THE ENTRANCE, ONE BY ONE.

CUT TO AN UNDERGROUND TUNNEL. IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A NORMAL TRAFFIC TUNNEL THAN A TRADITIONAL MINING TUNNEL. A BRIGHT YELLOW MINING TRUCK SLOWLY DRIVES BY.

CUT TO (PRESUMABLY) FURTHER INTO THE MINE. IT LOOKS LIKE A MORE TRADITIONAL MINE NOW, IT’S STILL A WIDE TUNNEL, AND STILL FAIRLY WELL-LIT, BUT THE WALLS ARE ROUGH STONE. GJARR IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, HOLDING A PICKAXE.

GJARR (LOW, BUT STILL A BIT ECHOEY)

We have more modern tools, these days. But sometimes we bring out the old, ‘specially if we want bluecaps to come say hi. They like the classics.

JASKIER (OFF-SCREEN, VERY ECHOEY)

Very cool!

GJARR TURNS HALF-WAY, AND STRIKES THE WALL WITH HIS PICKAXE. THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

CUT TO A WIDER FRAME. JASKIER ALSO HAS A PICKAXE, AND IS ENTUSIASTICALLY BASHING AT THE WALL. GERALT STANDS CLOSE TO JASKIER. HE’S KEEPING HIS HANDS FREE, PRESUMABLY TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT OFF ANY MONSTERS SHOULD IT BECOME NECESSARY.

GJARR (WHISPER)

There we go.

THE CAMERA MOVES AROUND, ZOOMING IN ON A SMALL BLUE BALL OF LIGHT THAT BOBS UP AND DOWN.

GJARR (WHISPERS, OFF-SCREEN)

Hello, friend. It is good to see you again. We appreciate all the help you give us.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT. WE CAN SEE THE BLUECAP FLOATING OVER, CLOSER TO GJARR. HE STANDS STILL, SMILING. IT SWOOPS CLOSER, TOUCHES HIS NOSE, AND DISAPPEARS IN A TINY BURST OF BLUE SPARKS. GJARR’S SMILE GETS WIDER. OFF-SCREEN JASKIER SIGHS HAPPILY.

JASKIER (WHISPER, OFF-SCREEN)

It’s beautiful.

GJARR (LOW, A LITTLE ECHOEY)

The true marvel of these mines. We enjoy working with them a great deal.

GERALT (LOW, SOMEHOW NOT ECHOEY)

They enjoy it as well. Have built a good partnership with them. As it should be.

GJARR (LOW, A LITTLE ECHOEY)

Aye. Would not want to be one of the poor sods who got on their bad side.

WIDER VIEW.

JASKIER (LOW, A LITTLE ECHOEY)

No, indeed! Thank you for showing us the mine. And thank you, bluecap, for letting us see you.

CUT TO BACK IN THE STUDIO.

JASKIER

That was marvelous! Truly!

GERALT

Mm. But if you wanna see some yourself, don’t go wandering into a mine.

JASKIER

Definitely not! There’s more dangers than just bluecaps in there. And you wouldn’t want to be rude to the poor bluecaps and disturb them for no reason!

GERALT

If you really wanna see. There’s some tourist places. Not Blandare, that’s an active mine. But some old ones that are museums now. But still have a good relationship with some bluecaps.

JASKIER

Ooh! So you can visit one of those places, and see a bluecap!

GERALT

Maybe. Don’t come out every time. But sometimes. If you’re quiet, and polite, and lucky.

JASKIER

Well that goes on my bucketlist, then.

(((Same, Jaskier. I know it probably wasn’t meant as an ad for those tourist destination mines, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work as one.)))

JASKIER

It was so beautiful, I’d love to see one again. In a friendly mood, of course, while not bothering it! And now, Geralt, friends at home, I really think it’s time for The Bluecap Song.

GRAY BACKGROUND AND WHITE KARAOKE STYLE TEXT. AN ANIMATED JASKIER WALKS IN, PLAYING HIS LUTE AND SINGING. LITTLE BLUE LIGHTS DANCE AROUND HIM. THE SONG IS UP-BEAT AND MAKES LIBERAL USE OF ECHO EFFECTS.

(((I assume the gray backgrounds this episode is so the animated bluecaps are easier to see than they would have been on the usual light blue. And maybe also look like stone, while they were at it. But it doesn’t particularly look like a mine.)))

END CREDITS AND CHEERFUL CLOSING SONG.