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For the first time Dazai had asked to stay at Kunikida's place, he expected an automatic "No." or "That's not professional." From his partner, not the nervous behaviour that the blonde had shown at this. He wasn't flustered, no, that wasn't it. Kunikida had seemed almost worried that Dazai would judge him for something.. but what? The brunette couldn't even think of anything that Kunikida would want to hide from him.
"Sooo.. was that a 'yes' or 'no' kunikida-kunnn?" He persisted, with his stupid pleading tone.
The blonde sighed gently, closing his laptop, as he had finished his work for the day, and looked at Dazai, "Why are you so persistent with this-?"
"Kuniiiii- I wanna see your house- pleaseee-" he leaned over, trying to plead for Kunikida to let him.
"And you need to stay over for that-?" But he sighed again, done with Dazai's bothersome personality, "fine. Just.. maybe wait until later. I know you won't care- but I want to get the house cleaned first.."
"Ugh- fine- I don't care if your house is messy but if that's the only way for me to come round-"
"It is. Now, get on with the rest of your work- you still have almost ten emails to respond to and you still need to write up the reports from our previous cases."
~~~~~
Kunikida's house, 21:32
~~~~~
The brunette was feeling somewhat strange, he couldn't exactly explain it- was he feeling.. giddy? Or whatever people called it-? Why would he feel so happy about going round to Kunikida's house? It isn't like the pair of them didn't meet up often enough outside of work as it is. He knocked on the door and waited politely, Kunikida had asked Dazai to arrive between 21:30 and 21:35, which meant he would know it was Dazai.. or something like that?
Kunikida opened the door with a small roll of the eyes, how had Dazai even managed to persuade him to do this-?
Kunikida was in casual clothing, ones he would probably end up just sleeping in, as they looked comfortable enough. Before he even got the door fully open, Dazai pushed him way in, gaping in awe at the appearance of the place, after all, it was much better than what he had ever lived in, "Woahh- this place is so cool-" he started looking at all the stuff in his view, going to touch something before kunikida glared.
"Don't you dare break anything, idiot-"
"Of course not- I would never!"
Kunikida then sighed and then shut the door again.
~~~~~
An hour later, bedroom
~~~~~
Dazai was laying on his back draped over the blonde's legs, staring up as Kunikida just read a book. Dazai was wearing something he hod stolen from his partners closet, most likely without asking. "Kuniii- stop readinggg-" he complained as he grabbed at the book.
"You asked me if you could stay round, there was nothing about me paying attention-" Kunikida scoffed, but wasn't being serious, he placed the book down and sighed, "what did you want to do then?"
Dazai slightly looked surprised, "uhhh-"
"You didn't think that far ahead- did you?" Kunikida asked, finding it slightly amusing.
"I didn't even expect you to let me come round-! Of course not-!" Dazai scoffed.
"Well, that's your fault-"
Dazai sighed, thinking of something, but he sat up, removing the sweater he had stolen, leaving his bandaged skin exposed, sighing in exhaustion "god- why is it so warm this evening-" he complained, but then looked at kunikida with confusion, "kuni-? That looks really warm- are you sure you don't want to take it off-?" He tipped his head to the side.
"No.. it's fine.."
"It's not though-? You even sound exhausted-" he muttered, moving closer so he could sit next to the blonde. "Why won't you take it off-? It isn't like you to not take care of yourself properly.. not like this-" he added.
"I- you don't need to worry about it-" but he was clearly going to overheat at this rate.
"Doppo."
Kunikida's eyes slightly widened, Dazai was actually being serious? He wasn't giving in?
"Doppo, take it off. Take it off or I take it off for you. Overheating is not on your schedule and taking care of someone who has overheated is not something I intended to do." He made a small joke, but kunikida didn't find it funny.
"Leave it- it's fine, 'samu.."
"It's not."
"It is.."
But before Kunikida could persist anymore, Dazai had shuffled over and grabbed the sleeve of the sweater that Kunikida was wearing, "I wasn't kiddi-" but his eyes landed on something that looked almost like a thick.. vest? Underneath the already thick sweater. "Kuni-? Why are you wearing layers in such heat-" but kunikida yanked his arm back, readjusting his sweater.
"Just shut up- You cannot say that you 'care' or 'want me to take care of myself' when you don't do that yourself- it's hypocritical, Dazai."
"Kuni.." he sighed, moving away. "What's going on..? You can trust me- whatever this is.. I won't judge you-"
The brunette gritted his teeth, he wasn't usually this sappy.. but.. if it helped him understand..? He put a hand to Kunikida's face, moving it so he was looking at him, Dazai's eyes and tone softer than usual, "Whatever you tell me, I won't judge you. You understand that..? I care about you, I care about your health, your feelings, everything about you.. even if it is hypocritical at some points .. can you trust me..?"
"D-dazai-?" He muttered, not used to seeing this side of his partner, his gaze drifting away from Dazai ".. I-" but the blonde decided to get up, he looked close to tears, unsure on what to say. "I- I'll be back shortly-" before walking off to the bathroom just across the corridor, shutting and locking the door.
Dazai watched as this happened, confused and slightly worried, 'did I say something to upset him-?'
~~~~~
in the bathroom
~~~~~
The blonde collapsed down, against the door, as soon as the door was locked, warm, salty tears streaming down his face as he took off his sweater, throwing it down on the floor, leaning his head back against the door as he choked on his own tears.
"F-fuck.." he muttered quietly, so Dazai wouldn't hear his stupid, pathetic crying.
His head was spinning. Eyes blurred from tears, as well as him now throwing down his glasses, not having anything else to displace his emotion into. He could feel his body slightly shaking.
'Why did you let him in?'
'He will hate you now.'
'He doesn't want someone like you.'
'It's pathetic to even think he would like you after this.'
'You shouldn't have let him even slightly see it.'
More and more and more, the self-hatred just kept flooding into his mind, everything feeling almost unreal. He barely felt real right now.
' Just let me wake up. It's just a nightmare- that's all-' is all he could think.
He got up weakly, leaning his hands against the sink as he leaned, looking at his face, his red eyes, blotchy red colour to his cheeks, quivering bottom lip as he tried to bite it to stop it.
'I look pathetic.'
'...'
'I am pathetic..'
'I can't even bring myself to tell him-'
He slid back down to the floor, his body slightly shaking still, he couldn't think straight. He didn't even know how long he had been in the bathroom for. Gritting his teeth again he tried to stop himself crying.
It was no use.
~~~~~~~~
With Dazai
~~~~~~~~
Dazai sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the bathroom door.
He wasn't stupid.
Far from it.
Dazai had spotted that his partner was close to tears when Kunikida had left the room, and he had definitely, with no doubting it, heard the blonde almost fall to the floor, and the slightest snivelling that came with it. Kunikida was upset, something about Dazai pointing out that he was wearing layers, maybe? Dazai didn't even know why his partner felt the need to wear layers in such heat, and refused to remove even the top layer.
He got up and walked over to the door, knocking on it gently, "Doppo- are you okay..? Can I come in?" He tried the door, but to no surprise, it was locked.
On the other side of the door, Kunikida was still crying, slouched on the floor in front of the sink. His ears felt fuzzy, he couldn't really hear much right now. A weak, floppy arm had a hand slightly hooked against the sink, his head leaning against that arm. He didn't respond to Dazai, as even if he did hear him, he wouldn't have wanted to. Not now.
Dazai knocked on the door again, "hey.. kuni..? Are you okay-? Let me in, okay-? At least answer me..?" But it was no use.
He noticed that the lock was a really simple design, one that he could easily twist to open from the outside if he got a small, flat, sturdy item to slot into it. He walked back into the bedroom and he grabbed a thick ruler from Kunikida's desk before returning and crouching by the door lock, sighing before he did anything, "Kuni-? I am gonna unlock this door, okay-?" He closed his eyes, contemplating his decision before adding a small whisper at the end, "I'm worried about you-"
~~~~~
a brief moment later
~~~~~
Click-
The lock opened and Dazai placed a hand on the door handle, "Okay- I'm opening the door now-" he said, trying to alert his partner as much as possible.
As soon as he opened the door, Dazai's eyes darted around the scene ahead of him, the sweater on the floor, along with Kunikida's glasses; Kunikida with his head against his arm, slouched in front of the sink; what Dazai had thought was a vest.. he finally caught on to why his partner had been so secretive and nervous.
It was a binder...
It had been a binder all along-
Kunikida was... trans-
He rushed over to the blonde without second thought, wrapping his arms around Kunikida, head against his shoulder as Dazai also slightly forced himself back from getting teary, 'how did I not notice before..?'
Kunikida's eyes widened at the contact, zoning back into reality out of his panicky state. "O-osamu-?"
"Mhm... it's me-" the other muffled into Kunikida's shoulder before slightly moving, using his hands to gently turn the other the face him, noticing the redness in Kunikida's eyes immediately, a sad little expression appearing on his face, "why didn't you tell me..? I- I'm not judging you for this- I would never-"
That voice, that sweet, innocent.. sad.. voice.. it made Kunikida bite down on his bottom lip again, not wanting to cry again. Dazai just placed a hand to the back of the blonde's head guiding him to lean against his shoulder, "Go ahead and cry, kuni. You shouldn't have to feel ashamed... I- I am so sorry I didn't mean to do that earlier- I should've-"
"Shut up 'samu-" the blonde muttered.
Dazai just nodded, leaning against Kunikida's head slightly, "Kuni.. I know I barely take care of myself.. so this will sound hypocritical again- but.. please don't sleep in that thing- I know what it can do to you- please-?"
Kunikida didn't know what to say, it was.. strange, to hear Dazai talking about self-care, a small smile tugging on his lips at this. "But-"
"If you don't feel comfortable having someone else in the room, I can sleep in a separate room, or go home-"
"No- I- stay- please.." the other interjected, "I don't mind.. you stupid hypocrite.."
"That will not be my new nickname-", gasped the brunette.
"Too late.", chuckled his partner.