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“Tracy?” Alicia asks after a while. She turns her head on the pillow to look at her best friend. Sometimes, Tracy seems so innocent and vulnerable. She laughs at stupid puns, catches her eyes across a room and winks, and the last time they were in a hotel room, Tracy definitely jumped on the bed for a solid five minutes. But then…but then Tracy can be like she is now.
“Mmm?” Tracy says, rolling her head to look at Alicia now. Concern crosses her face, and then she reaches out to grab Alicia’s hand, gripping it tightly. “What’s wrong, Alicia?”
Alicia doesn’t doubt for a moment that Tracy will be standing at her side, fiercely protecting her from the rest of the world, in sixty years. She doesn’t doubt it and it leaves her a little breathless. Everyone always leaves. That’s the lesson her mother taught her. Over and over again, she’d tell her in a drunken slur, Alicia, everyone always leaves. No one stays. Look at your father! Look at your lovers! Look at your brother! He left us. He left us, how could he?
Her big brother hadn’t really left. He’s in college now, crushing from afar on a blonde bombshell. Alicia knows this because she visits Boyd often, and he swings by to pick her up from school at lest twice a week. Still, Boyd stayed away from their mother. Alicia doesn’t blame him; he made if very clear that he wouldn’t be leaving her behind.
And Tracy? Tracy isn’t going anywhere. No matter what. That was their vow to one another. They’re in this for life. This, being a platonic friendship, of course. She doesn’t necessarily want to keep it platonic though.
Alicia’s throat tightens and she looks at Tracy with wide eyes. She doesn’t know how to say this. Alicia rubs her thumb over Tracy’s hand in circles.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Alicia finally says. This is the girl that she’s going to know forever. Whatever she says now isn’t going to make or break them. “I lied about where I went after school the other day. I wasn’t with Boyd.”
Tracy’s eyebrows come together, but she doesn’t say anything. Alicia knows that Tracy won’t make a big deal about her confession until she done speaking. Alicia exhales, hoping to get rid of some nerves. It doesn’t work.
“I went to the LGBT club.”
Tracy doesn’t look that surprised. In fact, she looks a lot less concern now. Alicia stretches her feet out and looks up at the ceiling now. It’s too much pressure. She knows Tracy won’t be disappointed in her; won’t change her views of her. She knows this and yet, she’s still worried. Usually, Tracy’s the anxious one.
“And I talked to some people.”
“God,” Tracy finally says. She exhales and props herself up to look at Alicia better. “You’re dragging this out like it’s going to be the end of the world, Lis.”
“What if it changes us?” Alicia whispers.
“It won’t.”
“What if it does?”
“It won’t,” Tracy says, more firmly. Alicia sees the sparks in her eyes. The way her jaw tightens, and her lips are pressed tight. She’s not budging on that.
Alicia sits up now, pressing her back against the headboard of the bed and pulling her knees in close. Her hand is still tightly in Tracy’s. She hides her face against her legs for a moment before she finally looks at Tracy again. “I explained how when I was dating the jackass I never wanted to have sex. Or Caitlin after him. Or Heather after her. Or–”
Tracy nods. “I get it. All of your exes.”
Sometimes, Tracy gets a little weird when she mentions them. Alicia gives her a familiar look, and Tracy’s shoulders drop a little.
“Sorry. It’s just you didn’t really know any of them and for some reason, you expected that you were supposed to have sex with them. You haven’t been with someone longer than a month and a month isn’t necessarily a long time. You don’t have to have sex with anyone, Lis. Especially if you don’t want to.” Tracy frowns again, shifting on the bed so she stares at their hands.
“I know that,” Alicia mumbles. Tracy glances at her with a sharp look. “I know that now.”
Tracy huffs, because it’s an old argument. Alicia would find someone attractive, date them for a couple of weeks, but once she realized that she wasn’t getting any desire to have sex with them, she’d drop them. Move on to the next ‘victim’ as she had joked about once. Everyone always leaves. So why not leave first? Besides, she figured if she didn’t want to have sex with them within three weeks of dating, she probably wouldn’t in three years. Why waste time?
But Tracy, god, Tracy was so insistent that she didn’t have to have sex with anyone if she didn’t want to. Alicia knows this. But shouldn’t she want to? Especially if she’s dating them? Alicia knows better now though. There are twelve pamphlets in her drawer at home that she’d come to memorize in a few nights.
“You went to the LBGT club?” Tracy prompts.
“Yeah,” Alicia says, nodding. “They told me about asexuality and answered a lot of questions for me.”
“Asexuality?” Tracy asks, surprised. “Isn’t that the desire to…oh! The desire to not have sex?”
Alicia laughs. “Well, it’s more specifically the lack of sexual attraction. Not adesire to not have sex. It just means that a person doesn’t connect their sex drive to anyone.”
“So you think you’re asexual?” Tracy asks, but there’s a smile on her face now. As though she’s realizing what this means for Alicia. Alicia gives her a quick, small smile, before she shakes her head. Tracy tilts her head, questioning.
“Actually, asexuality is on a spectrum. And so Stiles - that’s who I talked to at the Sexual Education Centre where they hold the LGBT meetings for our school - told me that sometimes people who are asexual have sex, sometimes it’s conditional, and stuff.”
“Conditional?” Tracy asks.
“Yeah. It’s called demisexuality. It’s when you have to develop a bond with a person before you feel anything sexual happening down there,” Alicia says, her face growing hot. She buries her face into her knees.
“Huh. Have you, uh, have you ever felt sexual feelings for someone before?” Tracy asks, her voice so low that Alicia almost misses it.
She mumbles into her legs. Tracy pokes her until she lifts her head. “Yes.”
“Oh.” Tracy’s face falls. “Um, can I ask, who? Because I didn’t think you wanted to be with any of your exes that way and that was the issue with all of those relationships.”
“Ask me,” Alicia murmurs.
“Who?”
“You.”
“Me?” Tracy says, eyes wide. “Me? You’ve had sexual feelings about me and you didn’t tell me before this?”
“It was confusing!” Alicia defends.
Tracy swats her. “You idiot. I have sexual feelings for you too. And romantic ones. I have all the feelings for you. I’m in love with you.”
Alicia’s lips part. She lets out the smallest laugh and then squeezes Tracy’s hand tightly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, you dork.” Tracy brushes some hair from her face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going through this? I would’ve come with you to the LGBT meeting.”
Alicia shrugs. “I think it’s something I had to to do alone. Stiles was great. He gave me all of these great resources. He even mentioned that there are romantic attractions. And that’s different than sexual attraction. He also invited me to come back to the meeting. Would you…would you want to join me?”
Tracy beams. She nods and says, “There’s nothing I’d rather do more. Except maybe make-out with you right now.”
Alicia snorts, grabbing a pillow from behind her so she can hit Tracy. “God, you’re such a dork.”
“Do you want to keep talking about this?” Tracy asks, serious. Alicia knows she’s prepared to put any kissing aside so they can talk. Except that’s all they’ve been doing since they became friends when they were twelve. Maybe it’s time to mix it up.
“Nawh, we can talk later. Right now, I’m hoping you’ll make-out with me too.”
“And I’m the dork?” Tracy asks, snorting. She laughs and Alicia joins her as she pulls her close. Tracy breathes against Alicia’s lips, “We’re gonna get to do this for our whole lives.”
Alicia’s heart quickens and her lips crash against Tracy’s. She loves her best friend. She’s in love with her best friend. She’s going to make-out with her best friend for the rest of their lives. Alicia smiles when they rest their foreheads against each other. “Glad we’re on the same page.”
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