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“The rules are basic,” Hayden says as she shuffles a deck of cards in her hands. She glances around the room and stops when her eyes meet Liam’s. “It’s similar to King’s Cup but Paige and I made up some of our own actions for each card because it’s boring if you keep playing the same way every time.”
“Oh god, I barely remember the rules to King’s Cup,” Mason mutters into his cup of beer. “How am I supposed to remember new rules?”
“Shut up,” Hayden says, but there’s a fondness in her tone. Tracy’s heart beats a little faster when Alicia comes back from the bathroom and sits down beside her on the floor. She hadn’t been surprised that she’d been invited to Hayden’s party. She had been surprised when Alicia had joked about only coming to hang out with “these losers” if Tracy would be there.
“Alright, alright, what’s Ace?” Liam asks.
Tracy glances around the group. It’s a fair size of people who showed up tonight to get drunk. Hayden, Paige, Liam, and Mason were always at Hayden’s parties. Alicia occasionally showed up. Violet, Garrett, and Brett had kind of surprised her. Tracy often wondered if they thought they were too cool for them. Except Violet had elbowed Brett into saying yet.
Hayden and Paige take turns listing off the rules. Ace is the standard waterfall. Two means the person can pick someone drink twice. Three means the person drinks.
Four is for score - Paige explains that the person has to attempt to take a beer cap and flick it at an object that the group picks. It could be something close or something in the distance. If they score, the group drinks. If they miss, they drink.
Five is the dare card where the person holding the card can make someone do anything (within reason and comfort zone). Hayden explains, “The person with a five only has to choose a person. They don’t have to make them do anything right away. However, if someone else pulls out a five and theirs is unused, it becomes void.”
“Okay, and what counts as within reason?” Alicia asks.
“The group will decide if it’s appropriate or not,” Paige tells her.
"Six is for dicks,” Hayden continues. “People with dicks drink.”
“Is there a size limit on that? Like you have to be so big–” Brett starts. Mason elbows him in the side. That happens a lot. “What! I’m just asking.”
"Seven has options. Player can choose Seven Minutes in Heaven with another consenting person, or we can go around the group and count. Anyone who says a multiple of seven fucks up and drinks,” Paige continues without being fazed by Brett.
“Man, Mason’s right. There are a lot of rules,” Violet says. “I just want to drink!”
“We’re almost done,” Hayden says. “Eight is mate. Player picks another person to drink with them anytime one of them has to drink until another eight is drawn.”
“Nine is the truth card. Whoever gets a nine can ask anyone a question. Like a weirdly personal question. If they can’t answer, then they have to chug the rest of their drink,” Paige says. “Ten is Categories.”
“Someone picks a category, we go around saying relevant things and then whoever fucks up by not coming up with one or repeating something drinks?” Alicia asks for clarification.
"Yep! Jack is Never Have I Ever. Everyone has five fingers up to begin with. Queen is questions. No one is allowed to ask the player with the queen card a question or else they drink,” Hayden tells them.
"And whoever ends up with a King has to take a shot,” Paige finishes.
“Yeah, so, I’m going to forget all of that,” Mason mumbles.
“Whatever, spread the cards out on the floor. Let’s play!” Liam says, smiling at Hayden like the puppy dog he is.
Tracy glances at Alicia. Maybe she might learn some things about her crush. Tracy can’t remember a time when she wasn’t pining hopelessly over Alicia. Maybe back in grade two when didn’t really know what crushes were? They’d grown up together, been reluctant best friends. Alicia had always kept Tracy at an arm’s length despite how much they had hung out.
She’s not sure what had changed. It seems to her that Alicia had started to let her in more recently, started to confide in her. Hayden thinks that Alicia has a crush on someone and is warming up to tell Tracy about it. She claims that’s what Violet does. Since Tracy isn’t close with Violet, she can’t protest.
Hayden says that Violet is very closed off until she’s ready to confide something big. Then once that situation passes, she closes up again. Tracy glances at Violet now. That’s a girl with dark secrets. Her heart aches for her.
The first few rounds are relaxed. Garrett picks up a 10 and has to choose a category. “Ummm, sex positions.”
“Really, Gar?” Violet says. She rolls her eyes. “I’ll go first.”
"See, now why did you have to give me the sass?” Garrett asks, pouting.
Tracy watches as Violet looks directly at Paige and says, “Scissoring.”
She tosses her head back to look at Alicia with a bemused expression. Alicia shrugs, clearly unsure what that was about. Tracy shares the smallest smile with her before Paige is nudging her. “What?”
“Your turn,” Paige says. “What’s a sex position?”
"Cunnilingus?” Tracy says, tentatively.
There’s a burst of laughter with everyone except for Alicia. She feels redness rush to her cheeks and tucks her head. Mason says, “I’d consider that a sexual position since blow job was accepted.”
“Alicia’s turn,” Liam points out.
“Doggy style?” Alicia asks.
“Nope, I already said it,” Garrett tells her. “Your turn to drink, Alicia.”
She picks up her red solo cup and takes a sip. Tracy shifts her legs out from underneath her as she can feel them starting to go numb. Once she settles into a position, she finds herself half an inch closer to Alicia.
Fuck, she hopes she doesn’t have a crush on someone else. Please, please let Hayden be wrong. Tracy glances at Alicia out of the corner of her eyes. She’s laughing at something that someone (Liam maybe? Paige?) said. Tracy feels her entire body tense up. What if Alicia is crushing on someonehere? She closes her eyes briefly, reminding herself that she can’t let anyone know she’s upset.
Violet always says it’s a sign of weakness when one gets upset in front of someone else. And the truth is that Tracy couldn’t argue it. Violet seems much stronger because she never really shows her emotions. Only Tracy isn’t wired that way and she has to let out a deep, shaking breath.
“Alright, my turn!” Violet says, picking up a card. “Six. People with dicks drink!”
"Cheers for dicks!” Brett shouts, lifting his glass to the center.
Tracy rolls her eyes as the boys cheer and then she watches as Brett grabs his card next. He flips it over and grins. “Five! I’m going to use it right now and request that Violet and Paige kiss.”
“Whoa,” Mason says. “You know for an openly gay guy, that’s a bit weird.”
Brett laughs. “C’mon, even you have to admit they’d look good together.”
Mason shrugs in response and Tracy watches nervously as Violet and Paige consider it.
“I’m down!” Violet shuts suddenly. Tracy wonders if she’ll blame it on the alcohol later. Paige nods in agreement and they both crawl across the center of the circle to kiss. Tracy’s heart pounds with anxiety. What if one of them made her kiss Alicia? She’s not sure she could stop.
And from the looks of it, Violet and Paige don’t seem to want to stop either. Tracy feels a little hot just watching them. When they part, Violet’s wearing a wolfish smile. “You are a great kisser.”
“Thanks,” Paige says, beaming. “I’ve had some practice.”
“With who?” Liam asks.
“Get one of the truth cards and ask me then,” Paige responds, unfazed. Tracy wishes she could be as calm and collected as Paige is. She never seems to be flustered.
A few more turns pass by and then it’s Tracy’s. She picks up a Jack. “Never Have I ever?”
“Yep!” Hayden confirms. “So you start with something and then Alicia will pick something and then Mason and so on until all five fingers are down for someone.”
Tracy holds up her hand. “Does it have to be something we’ve never done?”
“If you’ve done it, you just have to lower a finger too,” Paige says. “We bend the rules to suit us.”
“Okay. Um.” Tracy frowns, trying to think of something. Finally, she settles with, “Never have I ever had a crush on someone in this room.”
Liam’s finger goes down. Then Hayden’s, Paige’s, Alicia’s, and Violet’s. Mason makes some noise before he finally puts his finger down. Brett and Tracy meet eyes. She knows he’s been crushing on Mason and he knows about Alicia. They both put down their first finger. Garrett huffs.
“Seriously, guys?!” he shouts. “Wow. I’m judging you all so hard right now.”
“I thought you used to have a crush on Vi?” Hayden points out.
Garrett rolls his eyes. “Yeah, for like two seconds. Doesn’t count.”
“Why not?!” Violet asks.
“Because it wasn’t really about you. It was just about crushing onsomeone. So it doesn’t count,” Garrett snaps. Tracy sighs. Sometimes she got along well with him, and other days she wishes he didn’t join them.
“Wow, okay. My turn,” Alicia says. “Never Have I ever…had a sex dream.”
The tips of Tracy’s ears are burning red. She just knows it. She slips down another finger and hopes no one notices. The Never Have I Evers keep going. Tracy only has to put her finger down once more for Never Have I Ever…masturbated while on the phone with someone. She didn’t offer any explanations and neither did the other two.
Mason ends up losing and drinks.
Alicia picks up a card. “Oooh, the truth card. Okay. Tracy, you said you had a sex dream. Who was it about?”
Tracy’s eyes widen. She can’t tell Alicia it was about her. Oh god, oh no. Yep. She had ever reason to be anxious. Her lips part but no words come out. She slips her hands around her drink. She’s going to have to chug. Great.
"Trace, you can tell us. We’re not going to judge,” Paige prompts.
“I–”
“What? Was it me?” Alicia teases. Tracy knows that Alicia means that in the utmost innocent way. She really thinks she’s teasing her.
Tracy looks down at her Coke and vodka. “Hello, alcohol.”
She knows that all eyes are on her but she picks up the full red solo cup and starts chugging. Her cheeks probably match the cup. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
“Trace!” Alicia says, sounding concerned. “You don’t have to chug it all in one go.”
She doesn’t lower the cup from her lips. She does pause to catch her breath before continuing to chug though. When she finishes, she sets her empty cup on the floor in front of her.
“Whoa, I am seriously impressed right now,” Hayden says. “That was a lot of alcohol!”
"I need more,” Tracy mumbles. She grabs her empty cup and stands up. When she makes her way into the kitchen, she closes her eyes and rests her forehead against the fridge door. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She’s a mess. She’s an absolute mess.
Maybe it’s because Alicia seemed to be so attentive lately, but she has Tracy on edge. Her entire body is aching to be against Alicia’s. It’s never going to happen though. And it sucks. And Tracy is not drunk enough to handle this.
“Hey, Tracy, you okay?” Alicia asks. “You know I didn’t mean to make you chug your whole drink.”
“Yeah,” she mutters not moving from the fridge. “I’m okay. I’m sorry, I just panicked.”
“Happens to everyone. You’ve seemed a little…tense lately. Is everything okay?” Alicia asks. She rests a hand on Tracy’s arm. “I hope it’s not me?”
She looks at Alicia now. “It’s not you. It’ just–well, if you must know–”
Nope. She can’t do it. She can’t tell her best friend of ten years that she had a sex dream of her. Nope, not happening.
“If I must know?” Alicia prompts.
“I had a sex dream about you!” Tracy blurts. Okay, so maybe she could do it. “In fact, I have sex dreams about you all the time.”
"What? You do?”
“I know.” Tracy bangs her head on the fridge. “I’m an idiot!”
“No, no, Tracy, you’re not–”
“Whatever,” Tracy says, pouring vodka into her cup. It’s almost half vodka by the time Alicia forces her to pull the bottle away. “It’s fine, okay, Alicia? It’s just awkward. That’s all. Let’s go back to the game. And never talk about this again.”
“Trac–”
“Thanks,” she says, taking the orange juice from the counter. She pours it as quickly as possible and without making eye contact with Alicia walks back into the living room. She freezes when she sees everyone looking at her. “Of course you all heard.”
"Don’t worry. I just got a seven and I’m about to ask Paige if she wants to go play Seven Minutes in Heaven with me,” Violet tells her. Tracy isn’t sure why she says it as though that’s going to make her feel better. But she gets her answer a moment later when everyone is focused on Violet and Paige. “You can say no–”
“Sure,” Paige murmurs. She stands up and holds her hand out. Fuck, Tracy wishes she could be like that. Paige looked so damn sure of herself. And when Violet takes her hand and walks off with her, she looks confident and in control.
Tracy glances at Alicia beside her and feels as though her stomach is falling. Fuck, she has no control over her feelings anymore. She has no idea how to be calm, collected, and just…cool. She glances at Hayden, who studies her with concern in her eyes.
Liam follows Hayden’s eyes and looks at Tracy too. She gives him a half-smile and he gives her a nod. Garret reaches into the pile of cards.
“My turn!”
He makes Mason drink and the game continues.
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“Six means people with dicks drink,” Tracy says a few rounds later when she picks up her card. She tosses it in their discard pile and frowns at the floor in front of them. Violet and Paige had come back, giggling with messy hair, after twelve minutes. They hadn’t been able to keep their eyes off each other since.
She doesn’t want to be upset. She doesn’t even want to be jealous. But Tracy’s both. It’s irrational and she knows that it’s not fair to Paige or Violet. They should be happy doing their own thing. But…she is. She’s mad at them. She wants that with Alicia. She wants to be in their shoes.
“Seven,” Alicia whispers when she picks up her card.
Tracy lifts her head to look at Alicia.
Her chest hurts.
“Well, you have options–”
“I’ll do the multi–” Alicia breaks off. She looks down at the card and then at Tracy. “Wanna go make out in a closet?”
Tracy’s eyes widen. Her lips part but nothing comes out. She swallows hard and tries to remember how to breathe.
“She does,” Liam says, laughter in his voice. “She really does, Alicia.”
Alicia doesn’t move though.
“You won’t regret it,” Violet tells her.
“Whatever makes you comfortable,” Alicia murmurs.
She waits for Tracy to give her the smallest nod before she takes Tracy’s hand in hers and drags her up off the floor.
They’re running towards the back of the house, to the smallest closet on the floor. Tracy still can’t process what’s happening but then Alicia is dragging her into the dark closet. She pulls Tracy right up against her and she’s panting.
“Alicia–”
“I think about you all the time. I wonder how you’d look coming apart. You have sex dreams and I outright fantasize about being with you.” Alicia’s voice is low, breathy, and hot. “Please tell me I’m not alone.”
“You’re not alone,” Tracy murmurs. She leans into Alicia now. “I’ve been crushing on you for as long as I can remember. I just–”
“Need it?” Alicia asks.
"Yeah,” Tracy breathes.
"Why didn’t you tell me?”
She huffs. Tracy presses her face into the crook of Alicia’s neck and closes her eyes. Not that she can see anything anyway. Neither of them had turned the light on. “How am I supposed to tell my best friend that I want to spend my time kissing them and holding their hand and curled up together on the couch watching movies and fighting over who gets the popcorn? I couldn’t do that. You could have anyone, Alicia. Anyone. You’re amazing. You shine even when you don’t mean to. I’m not like Violet or Paige. I wear all of my feelings on my sleeve. I’m a mess half the time and I still get night terrors because I’m messed up. And you deserve–”
Alicia pulls away so she can lean down and press her lips against Tracy’s. Softly. She pulls back to say, “No, Tracy. You’re amazing because you wear your feelings on your sleeve. It’s so brave. So brave of you. Violet, Paige, and I are so scared of getting hurt we don’t have the easiest time letting anyone in. It’s hard, and it hurts us. But you, you have never hid from your emotions.”
Tracy swallows. The lump in her throat only grows. She feels herself fighting back tears. “Alicia–”
“You make me want to tell you everything. All of it. All of my dark secrets. I’m just scared you won’t look at me the same way,” Alicia whispers.
“I will only love you more,” Tracy promises. “You’re my best friend. Nothing you say will scare me, okay?”
“Tracy,” Alicia murmurs. “You can’t know that.”
“I do,” she says, firmly. “I do know that. Whatever you think will make me walk away is only going to make me stay. I am on your side. I’m here. I’m yours. You’ve got me.”
Alicia sniffs and Tracy realizes that she’s crying. Her beautiful best friend is crying. She reaches up to find Alicia’s cheek in the dark. She carefully thumbs the tears off her face.
“I’m sorry that I never made that clear to you before. I guess I never really knew where I stood with you. But you have to know that if there’s anything in this world that I’m certain of it’s you.”
“Wow,” Alicia says, her voice cracking. “I know you spend a lot of time comparing yourself to Vi and Paige and Hayden…and probably myself. It kills me when I see you get that look on your face. You are incredible and amazing all on your own.”
Tracy laughs now and some tension leaves the air. “Would you just make out with me already?”
“That can be arranged,” Alicia murmurs as her lips brush against Tracy’s.
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“Seven minutes was up a half hour ago!” Brett shouts from somewhere down the hall. “Paige and Violet want the closet now!”
Tracy snuggles closer to Alicia. She closes her eyes and inhales sharply.
“Go away, jackass!” Alicia shouts , face towards the door. She turns back to Tracy and focuses. Tracy tries to find something, anything, to grip onto. To hold. She can only settle for digging her nails into Alicia’s shoulders and tilting her head back to gasp.
Who knew it’d turn out to be such a good party?
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Tracy’s right. When Alicia tells her all of the things she’s been keeping to herself for the past few years, Tracy just snuggles closer to her. She grabs Alicia’s hand firmly in hers and holds her tight.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Alicia looks up at her. She gives her a faint, worn-out smile. “I believe you.”
It’s enough. For now, it’s enough.
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