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Wings were an intimate part of yourself when you had them. In this life, he’d always had his wings. He couldn’t imagine not having them, even if he couldn’t use them to fly anymore, he wouldn’t trade them away even if he could, and it wasn’t like getting rid of them was an option anyway.
When he’d realized his wings had been clipped on his arrival to the island, it was mortifying and infuriating and panic had set in as soon as Wilbur had pointed it out and asked what had happened. He’d kept it together rather well considering. He couldn’t be losing himself in front of all the new people he’d never met before, but it was constant in his head and all around him; this feeling of not being safe and of not being able to make himself safe.
He couldn’t even remember his wings being clipped and that was the absolute worst part. Had he been drugged? Was he being watched? The answers were undoubtedly both yes.
He wore his cloak over his wings. He couldn’t use them anyway while they were clipped. No one needed to see them. He could practice strength training in private and once his feathers had grown back in a few months he could pretend like it didn’t happen.
That was before the nightmare.
The kids had been worried when they’d seen them. They pointed to his back and asked if he was okay and he’d nodded and comforted them with a smile. He would be okay. He would always be okay. That was his job. And once they were both safely in bed and asleep, he went upstairs to the mirror and properly took in the damage.
Something was broken, he knew that. It needed to be set properly before he attended to anything else. That led him to Bad’s where he stood at the edge of the premise until Bad gave him the greenlight to come through without his turrets barraging him with pellets.
His white eyes grew when he saw him and he hurriedly pulled him inside. “What the fudge happened? Are Chayanne and Tallulah all right?”
“Yes, they’re fine, thank gods.”
Bad quickly pulled out a stool and had him sit down.
“I think something’s broken.”
Bad gingerly felt along the bones of his right wing, pausing as he pushed along and Philza flitched with a sharp pain running through his wing. He gingerly examined the area before he went to look through a backpack and pulled out some supplies. Setting the bone and binding the wing was quick and easy compared to what came next.
“Do you want me to help pluck these feathers?”
He knew there were a lot of them, and it’d be difficult to find them all on his own, so he nodded his head. Bad showed him over to a table. Phil pulled out one of the chairs and turned it around so he could sit on it backwards. Most furniture wasn’t accommodating to him particularly because of his tail feathers, but he’d be using the back of the chair to lean on and hold onto this time.
Bad stood behind him and quickly went to work. He moved faster than any human Phil knew and swiftly plucked bloodied feathers from his wings, something Phil hadn’t needed to do in some time, and almost never at this volume.
He had to ask him to stop after only a few seconds. Every twinge for a shock that he couldn’t get used to. He’d be upset normally. His wings were a source of his pride and normally he’d be outraged, but that night, he didn’t have nearly enough energy to spend on it. All of his anger and grief had been spent on making sure Chayanne and Tallulah were alive and safe, afer that he hadn’t had anything left.
Bad didn’t stray far. When he was in his right mind, the man was protective of anyone he considered a friend. He was not someone to trifle with as an adversary.
“Are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?”
Phil’s forehead rested on the back of the chair, his fists clamped right around the rungs that made the back. He could still see those glowing eyes in his mind. He’d hardly seen them, hardly registered them before he’d felt the tear in his wing.
Breathe. Breathe.
It was over, it’d been over for hours, but his chest still shook when he breathed deeply.
“Dapper, go back to bed.”
Phil looked up abruptly, straightening his posture despite the aches it caused. Across the room stood Dapper in his pajamas. Seeing Dapper’s eyes slanted in worry so caught Phil off guard. He had his father’s confidence. Seeing him nervous instilled anxiety in Phil.
His hands moved carefully. - Is Tio Phil okay?-
“I’ll be okay, Dapper.” Phil smiled for Dapper’s benefit, though it didn’t seem to ease his concern.
- What happened?-
“I’ll tell you later. Go back to bed,” Bad said, and this time Dapper obeyed, slowly disappearing back around the corner.
Phil let himself fall back onto the back of the chair, slouching forward. He slowly exhaled and tried to minimize how his whole torso trembled.
“You ready to finish?”
He took a deep breath and tried to relax. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Bad started again, carefully sifting through his feathers. He felt him take hold of a contour feather and give a sharp tug that freed it and Phil let out a sharp yelp that sounded more bird-like than he usually sounded. Bad didn’t say anything, just continued.
The flight feathers were the worst ones. They were much larger and took longer to grow in. After they’d just grown back in, too. It’d been weeks since he’d flown, since he’s actually flown under his own strength. This would take months. He didn’t even want to think about the muscle mass he’d further lose while his bones healed. He wouldn’t even be able to stretch, nevermind the strength training he’d been practicing. He wanted to dig himself into a hole and cry, and each feather gone only reinforced that sentiment.
When Bad finally said he was done, Philza’s first instinct was to stretch his wings before he remembered that was a bad idea. Even though his left wing was only sprained, he’d have to stay low for a while. Just the thought of taking the kids out in this state made him anxious.
He slowly got to his feet and looked down and saw the few dozen blood-stained feathers scattered around their feet. It made his skin crawl.
“Will you be okay getting home by yourself?”
He thought about it for a moment, but only just that. “I’ll just warp.”
Bad gave him a concerned look with something else, something like thinly veiled disappointment, but not directed directly at Phil. He went to a nearby chest and Phil heard the clinking of glass. He walked back with two potions and put them in Phil’s hands. “Take these regen potions. In case anything slips during the warp.”
“Thanks, Bad.”
Bad nodded and Phil recognized that look on his face. The look of someone who wanted to do more, but there wasn’t anything more to do.
Phil took his warpstone from his pocket and a flurry of purple particles danced around him before whisking him away, the floor falling out from under him until it was abruptly there again and there was grass under his feet and a sharp ache in his wings. He was lucky that’s all he felt. Warping with any injury was a risky game to play, but he never would have made it home walking all the way back, and he needed to be home for the kids in the morning.
He pushed his finger onto the door panel and waited for the click of it unlocking before he pushed the door open and stumbled inside. He didn’t bother with anything, just put the regeneration potions from Bad on a chest and fell into bed. His wings ached and he could still feel the sting from where blood feathers had been plucked. He groaned into his pillow, willing the pain to lessen for just a moment so he could get at least a few hours of sleep before morning.
Morning. Thinking about tomorrow brought more stress that he tried to push away. He hoped the quests were simple. He hoped they were easy. He wasn’t sure how much he could do in his state.
He woke to the sound of his name and a metallic knocking. Knocking on the door. Someone was here.
He forced his eyes open. The sun was out and through the open blinds Phil saw Bad standing outside. He could see Dapper’s hate peeking just above the window sill.
His wings still ached. He hadn’t looked at them after Bad had patched him up and he really didn’t want to. He was scared of what he would see, of how bad it was. It already felt awful. He didn’t want to confirm his fears, yet.
He got up and went outside, squinting in the daylight.
- How are you feeling? - Dapper signed.
Phil put on a small smile for him. “I’m okay,” he said, signing along as he spoke. Dapper looked unconvinced though he nodded. There wasn’t much Phil could do to convince him. He knew he had to look some level of as bad as he felt, but he’d just woken up as well.
“I take it, you haven’t seen the quests for today, yet?”
“No. How bad are they?”
“They’re not bad, actually,” Bad said with some enthusiasm Phil wished he could match. “But I was wondering, if you wanted, I could take care of Chayanne and Tallulah today while you rest.”
“By yourself?”
He waved his hand dismissively with a smile. “It’s nothing I haven’t done before.”
Phil knew he was trying to help and he appreciated it, but it didn’t stop him from worrying about both the kids and him. Bad already did so much, and he knew he was capable, but things did happen, and he was only one person.
“If it makes you feel better, I was going to ask Forever or Cellbit to help me out as well.”
Philza nodded. “I would feel a lot better if you weren’t alone.”
“Do you want to wake them up and I’ll see who’s available?”
“Okay.” He walked around to the trap door and climbed down, instinctively pulling his wings closer and grimacing slightly and the sharp edge that shot through his limb.
Down in the bunker, he gently shook Tallulah and Chayanne awake. He caught them both stealing glances at his wings behind him and did his best to reassure him that he was okay, that he just needed some rest.
“Tio Bad is going to help you guys with your quests today, okay?”
Tallulah gently reached out and brushed her hand along the top joint of his wing, a part fortunately spared in the onslaught from the previous day. He gave her his best smile with a hug.
He heard the sound of the waystone and a small part of him felt relief that Bad had found someone available. Two parents to three children was a much better ratio. When the three of them went outside, they found more people than Phil had expected. Talking with Bad was Pac, Mike, Forever, as well as Richarlyson signing to Dapper. Chayanne and Tallulah quickly joined them, greeting their uncles and talking with their siblings. This was even better.
He tried not to notice the others noticing Phil’s state. He just needed rest and he would be fine. If he kept repeating that to himself, maybe it would be true.
He gave Chayanne and Tallulah hugs goodbye for the day and watched them walk down the wall with everyone else. They would be fine. One person stayed, though. Forever watched them leave with him and tried not to look at Phil. Phil had hardly turned to him before he spoke.
“Bad Boy told me something happened?”
Phil put a hand over his eyes, still heavy from sleep. “I’m okay.”
“You do not look okay.”
He let his hand fall back to his side and looked at his friend. Forever stared at him with concern, but it didn’t bother him like he’d thought it would. Forever looked at him like he was looking for something to fix. He took a deep breath, trying to move his wings as little as possible as he did. “We were attacked by some kind of mob I haven’t seen before,” he explained. “Chayanne and Tallulah are okay, a little shaken up, but I got a little fucked up.”
“A little?”
It was enough to make him laugh, and he flinched as his wings stung with the movement.
“How bad is it?”
“Well, I have a broken bone and the other wing is sprained. Had to have Bad pull out a dozen feathers. Other than that?” He tried to play off as best he could. He tried to pretend that he’d had worse, that he would bounce back from this.
“You will heal, right? You will be able to use them again?”
He just had to ask.
His throat tightened and breathing got hard, and in a quiet almost whisper, he said, “I don’t know.” He tilted his head back, trying to keep everything at bay for a little longer. He squeezed his eyes shut and couldn’t stop tears coming. “I don’t know.”
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so helpless. Having to watch his children nearly bleed out- Lying on the beach and being able to do absolutely nothing while a monster stalked over them, thousands of meters away of the reach of help. It was good enough that Chayanne and Tallulah were fine now. Whatever had happened to assist them, it had healed their injuries. That should have been enough. It should have been enough that they were both physically fine.
Phil choked on his next inhale and couldn’t stop the sob that escaped him. He could hope. He could do everything right and hope, but he’d lived a long time, he’d been around for a while. He’d seen bad injuries and he’d seen irreversible damage be done. Sugar coating it to make others worry less wouldn’t help him. It wouldn’t make his wings heal faster or better.
He hadn’t lived for so long by relying on slivers of hope. He knew reality when it faced him, but he didn’t want to face this one.
Forever slowly pulled him into a hug that Phil didn’t reject. His head fell on Forever’s shoulder as his tears rolled down his face.
No matter what he said or told himself, he couldn’t fight the sinking feeling that this wouldn’t be okay, that he’d never fly again.