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Mikey was in his room. That’s where he’d been for weeks, rotting with grief and sadness and pain. That’s all he’d done for almost a month.
His room was dark. He was buried under the blankets, staring at nothing. It was this or sleeping, and at least this proved his brain could still function.
Contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t going to kill himself, even though he thought about it daily. He knew what suicide did to what was left of his family, and didn’t want to put his brothers through more than what they’d already been.
Mikey also knew that Raph had gone to Donnie the other day, and he’d seen the cuts on Raph’s arms. Raph was the only one trying to keep them together, and while Mikey admired his efforts, he had a bone to pick. He had to talk to him, but he didn’t want to. He’d rather stay in bed.
Mikey sighed and lifted the covers, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He pulled Leo’s favorite blanket with him and wrapped it around his shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that Leo’s scent had disappeared from the blue fabric.
He sat for a moment, debating on whether or not he wanted to do this. He was going to Raph looking for a fight, or at least a difficult conversation. He hated it, but he had to.
He stood up, wobbling on his feet. It had been a while since he’d been vertical.
Mikey went to the door and turned the knob, then stepped outside. He pulled the door shut behind him, not wanting his brothers to pass and see what a disaster his room was.
He made his way across the hall, glancing at Leo’s room for a moment. His door was closed, and if he really tried, he could imagine that Leo was just sleeping in his room, and not dead. He took a breath and kept going.
Mikey stood in front of Raph’s door, and after a moment, walked in. He didn’t bother knocking, not when he was depressed and didn’t give a shit.
Raph was sitting on his bed, a razor blade to his arm. They looked at each other for a moment, both unsure of what to say.
“Hey.” Mikey started, feeling bad that he’d walked in on Raph about to cut up his arms.
“Hey.” Raph responded.
Mikey cleared his throat. “You wanna… put that away? We gotta talk.”
“Right, yeah, okay.” He said, then pulled the blade from his arm. He set it on the bedside table, and Mikey knew that when he left Raph would hurt himself. He didn’t want to think about that, so he didn’t.
Raph scooted back so he was sitting at the headboard. He motioned to the end of the bed and rolled down his sleeves. “You can sit if you want.” He said, so Mikey did.
He sat there, fiddling with the knots of Leo’s tie blanket. He had no idea how to start this conversation. “I’m mad at you.” He said quietly, and hoped the upcoming argument wouldn’t get physical.
“Oh.” Raph said, pulling his hood up, “Okay. Thanks for telling me.”
Mikey looked at him, confused. “You’re not mad? I thought you’d be angry that I’m mad at you.”
Raph looked down at his hands. “I don’t have the energy to get mad anymore.”
Mikey pursed his lips. “Don’t you want to know why I’m mad?”
Raph shrugged. “If you wanna tell me, that’s okay. If not, that’s fine too.”
Now Mikey was getting upset. “What happened to you?” He said angrily, “You– you’ve been mad your whole life. This isn’t like you.”
Raph was quiet. “Splinter and Leo are both gone. I just… I don’t have anything left.”
“You have me!” Mikey said suddenly, tearing up. “You have me, you have Donnie, and you have April and Casey. You have Karai and Shini, and the Mutanimals. You’re not alone.”
A tear slipped down Raph’s cheek. Raph didn’t bother to wipe it away. “I know.” He said softly, keeping his head down. He took a deep breath, then looked up at Mikey with a sad smile on his face. “So, why’re you mad at me?”
Mikey watched another tear roll off Raph’s cheeks, so he looked away. “You’re helping a lot around here. Cooking, and comforting us, and… pretty much everything else.” He said, squirming in his seat. “And I know the cooking is my thing, but that’s not what this is about.”
Raph sniffled. “So what’s it about?”
Mikey worked his jaw. “You’re acting like Leo.”
Raph blinked. “What?”
Suddenly, Mikey was extremely uncomfortable. Maybe he shouldn't have come here. “Leo always did the comforting. And picking up chores when we couldn’t do them.” He said, “You’re acting like him, and I hate it.”
Mikey had never hated anything. But he hated this.
“So what do you want me to change?” Raph asked quietly.
Mikey sighed. “Nothing. We need the help.” He said carefully, “But just… try not to be him. Be you.”
“Be me.” Raph said to himself, like the thought had just occurred to him.
“Yeah. You.” Mikey said, deciding to go easy on him. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it couldn’t be easy. It never had been for Leo. “You don’t have to stop doing what you’re doing. Just don’t be too hard on yourself.”
Raph looked down. “Okay.”
Mikey gave a small, sad smile. “Okay.” He said quietly, “I’m gonna go. Don’t– don’t go too far.”
Raph’s eyes flicked over to the razor blade on his bedside table, then back to Mikey. “I won’t.”
Mikey nodded once, then stood up. He smiled back at Raph once, then left.