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Kazuha truly wonders where Gorou got his tenacity from.
He knew for a fact that it wasn’t from his home. No, if anything, his household should have been the birthplace of the general’s sense of entitlement. Being the youngest of a family of seven would have spelled a spike in how much he was doted on. With two parents and four older siblings, it would have been no surprise at all had Gorou been treated like a happy prince everyday, being treated and cared for by all his guardians. Though Kazuha would not relate with the sentiment, he would have still understood it.
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? Gorou didn’t grow up as an entitled child. Instead, he grew to become an independent and fiercely stubborn young man, a son who left his home as soon as the opportunity came around. That was all Gorou had told the samurai about his life. And it was probably because of the sparseness of information that caused Kazuha to gather that his leave was either ill-received or not cared for at all. He did not need to pry; it was evident why he treated his comrades with closer intimacy than he did with his family.
Perhaps, then, this could explain his silence right now. Faced with a despondent, somewhat unreasonable middle-aged man whose voice could easily slice metal. Through his shouts and screams and demands to Gorou, the general remained silent. Tenacious, if not resilient, to anyone who did not know his background.
Kazuha wasn’t one of those people.
It was easy for him to connect the dots between this case and Gorou’s own life. The man spewing a lecture was the single father to his only son, someone who is… was a member of the Watatsumi army. Despite his young age, the young lad had proven himself to be a wondrous addition to the army. His optimism and high energy had been contagious, spreading across his squadron during their many meals and battles together. Even his general had praised him highly for keeping his spirits up so often.
Then came a day when his squadron was assigned a reconnaissance mission, and only one member returned alive. It wasn’t that young lad.
Thus leading to the highest official of that young man to deliver the news of his untimely passing, now spiraling into the situation right before Kazuha’s eyes. He truly wonders where Gorou gets his tenacity from.
Thankfully, the father was accompanied by his younger brother that day, and though there were evident traces of tears in his voice, he managed to calm down his kin to bid the general farewell, lest the scolding would last till the next dawn. As the door slammed shut in Gorou’s face, Kazuha stood from his position of leaning against a nearby tree, his eyes searching for any new signs in his companion’s own. There seemed to be none.
It was time for them to go home, he wanted to say, but didn’t dare to speak. How could he, after all, when faced with the harsh truths of his work?
He tentatively raised a hand to Gorou’s own, ones that were slumped to his sides gloomily, lifelessly- no, don’t think that way. You can’t be scared that he will leave you too. He won’t.
Instead, a sigh of relief was expelled from his lips as he felt Gorou’s gloved fingers wrap around his own.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The walk back to their quarters was quiet. Kazuha didn’t have the courage to say anything. Naturally, Gorou didn’t either. It was a more eerie silence than usual. Usually, they would be bounding with uncontrollable excitement. A walk, trot, saunter back to their quarters together would only happen after Kazuha made a return to Inazuma after a period of time. It would have been fueled by their impatience to hold each other, their insistence to be near one another, their mutual hunger of missing one another after weeks or even months of being apart. Gorou would have held his hand tightly, leading him back to their home with laughs and grins. And Kazuha would have been all smiles, maybe chuckles, and always a longing gaze at Gorou’s enthusiasm.
And sure, he was gazing at Gorou now too. But it wasn’t for his smile. It was for his frown. A long furrow of his lips that was so rarely seen for his beloved. Especially not when they were together.
If Gorou was making an attempt to spread his downtrodden state, Kazuha would have claimed that it was working.
He opened the door unceremoniously, motioning Gorou to go inside. As soon as he turned around to close the door, signifying their newly-attained privacy, Kazuha felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, a figure too pressing himself against his back. Though he was startled, he soon realized that relief was flooding through his being much faster than surprise.
Ah, it truly was a blessing that his beloved wasn’t as stoic as he seemed.
Sensing that he had no intention to move, Kazuha simply raised his arms to pat the hands wrapping his waist, at the same time tilting his head to accommodate his partner’s face nuzzling into his scarf. As if taking in his scent would quell his mood. Now was probably not the best time for Kazuha to ponder about dog youkai behavior, but he still did anyway, thinking to himself if Gorou viewed him as his home as most territorial animals would.
He wanted so badly to ask Gorou such a question, but found his words silenced as the man in question laid a soft kiss to his nape. Ah, of course, the questions and conversations can always wait, could they not?
Instead, Kazuha spun his body around to properly view his beloved, only to be greeted with a swirling vortex of water in those cerulean eyes. Gorou’s hands remained wrapped around Kazuha’s back, with no intent to move once again. He truly missed him, hadn’t he?
His bandaged hand found its way to that teary face, wiping away the strays that rolled down his cheek. Like a moth to a flame, his beloved leaned into his palm, soaking in its warmth and all the comfort it brings.
I am not tenacious. He spoke with his eyes. I am nothing like the general they see .
Not brave. Not strong. Not powerful.
Not mighty enough to save each of his men.
Not resilient enough to stomach every conversation with grieving families.
Not a general.
Kazuha prays that his eyes tell the opposite. That he is brave, strong and powerful. That he is mighty in his ways as a leader, and resilient in his endeavor to give peace to as many people as he could.
But as for that last phrase… he lets it slide. At least, when they’re here together.
Gorou had spoken with Kazuha about it before. About his stifling status and his worries of its impact on their relationship. That because he was a general, a leader, first and foremost, he feared that he would never understand love. That he couldn’t bear the weight of loving someone.
It didn’t help that he came to fear the very concept as soon as he was born. How he internalized the very root of love to come from a toxic place. How his upbringing had only been built on comparisons between him and his siblings, or him and his schoolmates. How nothing his parents did for him, he viewed it as love. And nothing his siblings did ever showed love to the ‘runt of the family’.
By the time he left his home and became a soldier, Gorou was thoroughly convinced that he couldn’t have a family. Couldn’t have a true home. How could he when he scarcely understood what it meant to belong in one? Though he strove to build relationships with his men, it would always dangle on the fine line between his duty as a general, and his loneliness and craving for attention. Dozens of nights were spent on him worrying that one day, this line will snap and disappear.
But it won’t happen here, Kazuha had reassured him. Not when they were together.
When they were together, Gorou didn’t have to be a general. He didn’t have to act as he always did, a polite, prim, proper young man. He didn’t have to act like he didn’t mind his loneliness, or that he didn’t mind the weights that came with his duty.
When they were together, Gorou could be anything he wanted to be, the same of course applying to Kazuha as well. That was what they had decided as soon as they got together.
Which was why the ronin didn’t mind how Gorou trailed around Kazuha as he prepared their dinner for them. He didn’t mind how Gorou constantly wrapped his arms around him as they ate rice and fish and lavender melons together. He didn’t mind when Gorou loomed over his lying figure in bed that night, craving his warmth, his touches, his everything.
He didn’t mind that Gorou wouldn’t speak that night as he usually would. Not after being faced with the situation of breaking another family, a home apart.
Knowing that he can at least be the peaceful, happy home that Gorou desperately craves is more than enough for Kazuha to stay with him.