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“How are you dressing up for Gender Bender day this year?” Bram asked from where he was curled up at the other end of my bed, the full length of my bed between us. Mom and dad had been enforcing the entire-bed-length rule ever since the Hot Chocolate Incident last spring. It wasn’t a rule we always followed, both of us much preferred the semi-awkward but much more enjoyable octopus tangle method of laying on my bed. But since my parents were home and skyping with Alice down the hall, we were being virtuous. Mostly.
I shrugged, fiddling with a loose thread on my sweater. “I dunno, probably the same as I do every year.”
“I think there’s probably an extra uniform around somewhere you can borrow,” Bram offered, smiling slightly. It had come out somewhere around the midpoint of the summer when it had been too hot to even think of wearing full-length pants that he had a bit of a thing for my legs, much like how I adored his soccer calves. Only more inexplicable since my legs were nothing out of the ordinary to my eyes, unlike soccer calves. Also, I kind of just adored him from head to toe, so maybe it wasn’t really comparable since he had, blushing bright red and nearly stuttering with embarrassment, had told me that he really liked my legs. It had been a pretty awesome afternoon all around.
“I don’t know… it’s not really my thing,” I replied. All the sports team boys treated it like a day-long joke, the occasion to make some pretty freaking hysterical and entirely not overdone jokes about skirts and bending over et cetera et cetera, insert dead horse joke flogged to death here.
“You know no one is going to make fun of you about coming out or anything,” Bram assured me. He paused, looking thoughtful. “Or at least Abby and Martin won’t let anyone get away with it.”
I cringed a little. While I appreciated Abby looking after me, Martin was a whole other story. He still felt pretty awful about the whole blackmail thing last year and apparently he had decided the way to make up for it was to become my own personal guard dog. No one could say a single bad thing without Martin diving down their throats. It had been kinda nice, especially when a couple guys had been hassling Bram when we first started dating, but by this point it had just gotten annoying.
“It’s not that,” I said. I could feel my face heat up. I probably looked like a tomato. A supremely uncomfortable tomato.
Neither of us said anything for a moment. Bram looked up at me and met my gaze. “Okay,” He said, just like that.
It was one of my favourite things about him, how he was always willing to let things drop when I didn’t want to talk about it. That didn’t mean it didn’t make me feel like a real jerk, though. Bram and I talked about everything, no matter how embarrassing or weird it was. We didn’t keep secrets from each other, especially big things. This wasn’t Coming Out level big but…
“No, not okay,” I said, kind of pissed off with myself. This wasn’t- well it was kind of a big deal. It was like a medium sized deal. And this was Bram, if I trusted anyone with this, it was Bram.
“Um, okay?” He said, sounding concerned, “Er- I mean-” He looked flustered, hands doing a little awkward dance, clasping and then unclasping. I couldn't help but grin at him. He was just the cutest.
“You’re okay,” I insisted, “I just- I’m not okay? Like I’m okay-okay, I’m just, with crossdressing I’m just not okay… okay?”
Bram stared at me for like two seconds and then said, “Okaaayyyyy.” With the eyebrows and butthole mouth.
I threw a pillow at him. “Jerk. Look, just. Come here?” I patted the bed next to me. Things were somehow much less complicated when I got to explain them with Bram curled up next to me.
“Are you sure?” He asked, eyes darting to the open door to the hall- another mom rule.
I did some quick mental calculations, and then nodded. “Yeah we should be fine, they had three episodes of The Bachelor to recap since Alice just finished midterms and was too busy.”
Bram carefully set his history textbook aside and shimmied over to my side of the bed. There was no other way to do it without knocking one of our bags or textbooks off the bed and he looked kind of ridiculous doing it, especially with his newly gained few extra inches of height making him a bit gangly.
He settled against the headboard of my bed and I just sort of curled around and on top of him until neither of us were in danger of falling off. Apparently whoever designed twin sized beds didn’t think to make them big enough for two still-growing teenage boys to spoon comfortably on. It was a gross oversight in my mind.
“So,” He said once we were both settled. “Is everything okay, Simon?” He rubbed one hand over my upper arm and I melted just a little more.
“I’m fine,” I said, sighing deeply and just gave in to the inevitable uncomfortable conversation. “I told you before about how I used to dress up for Halloween as a kid, right?” Bram hummed his agreement, not interrupting. He really was the best boyfriend. “Did I tell you why I stopped?”
“You said it stopped being funny… did someone say something to you?”
I shook my head. “No, I just looked in the mirror, and I guess I realized that I was probably going to be made fun of for it at some point. Like until then people had been laughing with me about it, but eventually they’d be laughing at me. Especially if they found out how much I- how much I liked it.”
Bram didn’t respond right away, just hugged me tighter and snuck in a kiss to my forehead. I really had the best boyfriend.
“For me dressing up on Gender Bender day is just for fun, like Halloween,” he said carefully, “but it’s different for you? You like looking like a girl? There’s nothing wrong with that,” he added very sincerely.
I bit my lip and shook my head. Explaining this was so hard. Especially when I’d been so careful not to think about it over the years.
“No,” I said “I mean. I like looking like I do. I don’t want to be a girl- I’m not trans. It’s not a gay thing either, I think. I don’t know. I just… liked the way I looked wearing dresses. I still looked like me, just… different.”
“I think I get it, sort of? Like it’s about looking a certain way, not gender stuff?” He asked.
I nodded. “I guess so. I’d like to dress up, I just. Don’t want people to know that. It’s too personal.”
After the whole coming out fiasco, I just wanted to keep this particular bit of personal information to myself and my boyfriend. Maybe not forever, but I wasn’t going to willingly tell anyone else any time soon.
Bram pressed another kiss into my hair. “So don’t dress up then, it’s okay.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to... I just guess I’m scared is all.”
Because I had the best boyfriend ever, Bram didn’t bother trying to convince me I had nothing to fear about crossdressing on a day when everyone up to and including the manliest jock dressed up in a skirt or dress.
“What if you dressed up at home and then decided later if you want to wear it to school? You still have a few days.”
“You make it sound so freaking simple when you say it like that,” I said, laughing a little. I’d actually been secretly brooding over Gender Bender day for ages and like always, Bram found a solution in five seconds.
Down the hall I heard my parents saying goodbye to Alice. I untangled myself and rolled off the bed. We’d been cutting that a bit close.
“Come on, we deserve a snack after that conversation.”
“I think I saw your mom unpack a box of Oreos when she brought groceries in yesterday.”
“You are the best boyfriend,” I announced and tugged Bram to his feet.
~
The Sunday before Gender Bender day I went to Bram’s.
“I talked to Abby and said you might want to dress up and I asked if they had anything you could use,” Bram explained and handed me a plastic bag full of clothing.
“Abby is going to make fun of me so much if I do this,” I complained as I dug through the bag. At a quick glance I couldn't tell what it all was, aside from mostly black and purple. “She was disappointed I didn’t do it last year.”
Bram shrugged. “It sounded like she and Leah had a lot of fun coming up with it, so maybe they’ll be too busy being happy with the results to make fun of you?”
“Leah helped too?” I asked looking up, surprised. Leah never did Gender Bender day and instead dressed more feminine than usual to make up for it
“Yes. It was kind of terrifying, I didn’t understand half the words they said when they were discussing what to use.”
I had to kind of agree. It was nice that two of my best friends didn’t dislike each other as much as they had last year, but whenever Abby and Leah teamed up the results were kind of terrifying. Like being steamrolled by two people determined to get their way. Or something. That metaphor kinda got away from me.
I glanced down at the bag and then back at Bram. I’d changed in front of him before- not just when we were alone but in gym class and the like, but I just didn’t feel comfortable about it this time. This felt like it was going to be kind of intimate, except in an emotions kind of way. Even with Bram this was kind of embarrassing. If it was this hard just with him, why was I even thinking of doing this at school?
Seeming to be a mind reader Bram said, “My mom isn't home, so you can use the main bathroom without worrying about anyone seeing you.”
I grinned, feeling more at ease. “Thanks.”
The mass of clothing provided by Leah and Abby turned out to be 1. a black button up shirt with really shiny metal buttons 2. black leggings and 3. a ruffly skirt.
I could feel my face turning red as I changed out of my normal jeans and t-shirt. The shirt wasn’t much different than anything I’d wear for a normal fancy occasion, even if the fabric was softer. I was kind of jealous of girls that got to wear this sort of stuff all the time, it felt so much nicer than the collared shirts my mom got me for formal occasions. The leggings were kind of weird. It was like wearing socks, only for all of your legs and not your feet. So, not really like socks at all. They were actually kind of comfortable, though I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to just wear only them in public like Abby did- no one outside of Bram and maybe my doctor needed to be so well acquainted with my body like that.
The only thing left was the skirt. I held it in both hands, but didn’t move to put it on.
“You are being ridiculous,” I told myself, but didn’t move.
There was a knock on the door. “Simon?” Bram called. “Is everything okay? You know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
Right. It was just Bram. I could decide if I was going to go through with it after Bram saw.
Feeling more confident, I shimmied into it and did up the zipper. It settled above my hips, which I hadn’t expected, but it was longer than the skirts Abby liked to wear. I was grateful for that. Somehow wearing a short skirt seemed more frightening than this was.
“Simon?” Bram called again.
Right, I’d forgotten to reply. “I’m okay,” I said. “I’m nearly done.”
“Abby and Leah were really insistent that you have to tuck your shirt in for some reason,” Bram added.
I made a face, but did as instructed. I really didn’t like tucking my shirt into my pants, it always felt weird and most of the time one side would get pulled tighter and look awkward. Why was it necessary? I thought untucked shirts looked fine, but I wasn’t an expert in skirt-wearing. Also if I went to school not following Abby and Leah’s instructions they’d both nag me until I did it.
I didn’t look in the mirror before I left the bathroom. I’d only chicken out if I did.
Bram was waiting in the hallway, tapping his fingers against his thighs. His eyes widened when he saw me. I grinned when I noticed the blush making its way onto his cheeks. Maybe this was a good idea after all.
“Well?” I asked. “Do I look like a complete moron?”
“Did you even look in the mirror?” He asked and smoothed my collar out properly, hands coming to rest on my shoulders.
“No.” He turned me around and pushed me back into the bathroom. There was a full length mirror on the back of the door, but it swung inward, so we had to crowd in together next to the counter to get it to shut.
“Oh. I have a waist,” I said, then laughed. Bram grinned over my shoulder at my reflection, hands still resting on my shoulder.
I still looked like me, just… different. I’m usually a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, but I could get on board for this sort of clothing. The skirt made my waist look smaller than I thought it really was, and my legs looked longer in the leggings. Overall the effect was kind of cool.
“What do you think?” I said, turning my head so I could look Bram in the eye. “Am I adorable?”
“You’re always adorable,” he said with a grin. “But I think you look nice.” I saw his eyes flicker over to my reflection. He was definitely blushing now. That was pretty cool too.
I felt a sort of fluttering, anxious-excited feeling in my chest, like right before opening night as I said “Cool. Gender Bender day is a go, I guess.”
Bram wrapped his arms around me for a proper hug and I turned and hugged back, the anxiety melting into plain happiness.
~
Monday morning, sitting in Bram's car it was back to just plain old anxiety. It was probably a good thing Bram had offered to drive me and Nora to school because I’d probably crashed us into a building with how distracted I was.
“Later,” Nora said, crawling out of the car and slamming the door behind her. She wasn’t wearing a costume again this year, but was wearing a dress which she didn’t normally wear to school. Maybe she was following in Leah’s footsteps.
“Simon?” Bram said, grabbing my hand.
“I’m going to do this,” I said before he could ask. I’d brought a change of clothes just in case I chickened out, but I didn’t want to. If Nick and Bram and all the other jocks could wear pleated skirts meant for much shorter girls than them, I could wear this.
“Okay,” he agreed. He paused and then added. “You know I really like how you’re dressed, right? I mean, I like how you normally dress too.”
“It’s a nice change,” I agreed, fidgeting with the hem of the skirt with my free hand. “I wouldn't want to dress this way all the time. But, I like it. I have no idea why.”
“You don’t have to have a reason to like something,” he replied, squeezing my hand. “You love Oreos, but you don’t have a reason for liking them, right? I think everyone has things they just like because they like them, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Rude,” I said, lightly smacking him on the shoulder. “Oreos are a gift from God. They are heaven made into a delicious chocolate-y, vanilla icing filled form.”
Bram snickered and I grinned back.
“Do you think it’s too much for Gender Bender day?” I asked.
“Simon, I’m literally wearing a cheerleading uniform, I think you’re fine.” Bram looked like he was about to ask if I was sure I wanted to do this again so I decided to just take the plunge. I couldn't just hide in Bram’s car with him all day, school started in fifteen minutes. And if I waited much longer I was just going to find more things to be anxious about.
“Okay, let’s go inside. It’s not like I’m wearing a sign stuck to my forehead that says ‘this is not a costume for me’. Besides, they’ll be too distracted with you around,” I added, tapping one finger on his bare thigh. I still had no clue why our school had so many cheerleading uniforms versus the number of actual cheerleaders, but they were all clearly designed with average-height girls in mind. The amount of leg Bram was showing probably didn’t follow the school dress code.
We let go of each other’s hands to get out of the car, but held hands on the way into school. Plenty of people were still making their way inside since the warning bell hadn’t rung yet. I saw two guys in cheerleading uniforms, another guy dressed up as a sexy librarian with an actual ruler in one hand, and a second guy wearing an honest to god wedding dress. I did a double take when I realized it was Martin. The dress was strapless and terrifyingly enough you couldn't tell he didn’t actually have the boobs to hold it up. He was even wearing a veil.
“This definitely worked better before I had a growth spurt,” Bram said, tugging his skirt down with his free hand.
“I 100% approve of your dedication to Gender Bender day tradition,” I replied, sneaking a glance at his soccer calves. Even though by this point I was well acquainted with them, it was always a nice view.
“Obviously you only approve because of tradition,” Bram said and held the door open for me.
Despite how anxious I’d built up going to school dressed like this, there was no heckling waiting for me inside. I was just one guy wearing a skirt within a group of guys crossdressing. I was unnoticeable. I guess that’s how life works. If I’d been more confident I probably would have had pig’s blood dumped on me or something. Or maybe nothing so dramatic. Mr. Wise making us read Carrie was probably rubbing off on me
Nick, Abby, and Leah were already in waiting in our first period English class, even though Abby had been assigned to a different class this year. Nick was wearing a cheerleading uniform like most of the other soccer boys and Abby had on the most hysterical Romeo costume, complete with a fake goatee and an enormous, drooping hat with a feather poking out of the brim. Leah was dressed as Juliet.
I was about to say something about Leah still sort of wearing a costume, when both of them spotted me, both of their eyes focusing on my clothing with laser precision. It was almost enough to make me want to duck for cover.
“You did dress up!” Abby exclaimed, bouncing to her feet and engulfing me in a hug.
I shrugged and smiled a bit sheepishly, trying to play it off as me having a change of heart. Abby might of been one of my closest friends, but this just wasn’t something I was ready to talk about much.
“I thought it might be fun this year,” I said and sat down next to Nick, “I love your hat.”
Abby grinned and twirled the feather on her hat. “I was going to dress up like a soccer player to match Nick, but it didn’t really look like a costume, I just looked like I was going to gym class. If Nick played football it would have been perfect.”
“How inconsiderate of you,” I said to Nick and mock-frowned.
Nick sighed and shook his head mournfully. “I’m so sorry I play the wrong sport for you to make matching costumes for,” he said to Abby.
She grinned and pecked him on the cheek. “That’s okay, We’re doing the wrong play for me to get to wear this costume normally, so this is my big chance I guess.”
Ms. Albright had decided to go with Shakespeare this year, though she had picked A Midsummer Night’s Dream not Romeo and Juliet. Martin had been cast as Bottom, and it was probably the best casting choice anyone had ever been given. We were still on script and he’d made us all nearly cry from laughter more than once.
There had also been a bit of a showdown when Abby and Taylor had both wanted Titania’s role but Taylor had gotten it and Abby had gotten Helena’s part. I was Puck, but that was only because there were so few boys who wanted to be in the play. Ms. Albright had wanted me to be Oberon since Martin already had a part, but I’d put my foot down. I really preferred being a minor character who got to goof around. So I’d compromised with having a bigger role that was still a bit goofy because I felt kind of guilty, since Ms. Albright had been such a badass about the whole bullying thing last year.
Just as Abby was about to leave to go to her actual first class, Taylor flounced in. She was wearing a Zorro costume, which even included a plastic rapier.
“I love your costume,” she said to Abby. “I wish I had had that much time to put into a costume, but I've just been so busy with the play this year.”
Taylor Metternich, everyone. Undefeated master of the backhanded compliment since 1998.
Before Abby could reply, the warning bell rang, so she just smiled and said “thanks” and left.
~
Lunch was pretty great, not just because of all the costumes but also because Leah had brought cupcakes. Made with crushed Oreos.
“Oh my god I want to marry this cupcake,” I moaned, through a mouthful of my second cupcake.
“Do we need to leave you alone with it?” Nick asked, picking the cookie crumbs off the top of his and eating them one by one. I’d just pretty much made like a cobra and all but unhinged my jaw to shove my first cupcake into my mouth in one piece.
I rolled my eyes, but sat down to eat a bit slower, but only because Leah threatened not to give me another one if I didn’t chew properly.
“I think we need to talk to you about your addiction. We might need to stage an intervention,” Abby said and then added to Bram, “It’s very tragic, but I think you’ve been replaced by a pastry.” She patted him on the shoulder consolingly.
Eventually conversation drifted away from me, and Leah elbowed me gently. She’d been unusually quiet that day, even for her.
“You look nice,” she told me, neatly folding up her empty cupcake liner.
Cal walked past our table, wearing a nun habit and winked at me. I blushed. It wasn’t like I still had a crush on him or anything, but there was something about someone you used to feel that way about acknowledging you looking good.
“Thanks for the clothes,” I told her and elbowed her back, “If I’d had to find stuff by myself I would have looked awful.”
“What changed your mind this year?” She asked.
I bit my lip. I’d made a promise since last year to be better about including Leah in things and being truthful with her, but this was still something I just wasn’t comfortable talking about yet.
“Bram did,” I eventually said, which was actually the truth.
Leah seemed to get that there was more than what I was saying, but didn’t press for more information.
Abruptly, Abby draped herself over my shoulders, sticking her phone in my face. “Oh my god, Simon you have to read this.”
I took her phone and held it far enough away from my face that I could actually focus on it. It was a post on the Tumblr, Creeksecrets. I hadn’t been on the Tumblr in ages. I kinda figured my life had already had its quota of unnecessary online-spawned drama and had steered clear of it without much thought.
Anonymous asked: ohmygod Spier’s ass looks so good today in that skirt, what the hELL IS UP WITH GENDER BENDER DAY FUCKING UNEXPECTED SEXUAL ORIENTATION CRISIS DAY MORE LIKE IT
I choked, spraying Nick across the table with cupcake crumbs. Leah grabbed the phone out of my hand and quickly read the post.
“Oh my god, Simon,” she said, and started laughing so hard she nearly dropped Abby’s phone. Bram reached across me to grab it and also read the post. He chuckled softly and his fingers laced with mine under the table.
“Looks like you have some competition, Bram,” Abby joked and sat back down next to Nick on the other side of the table.
Bram and I looked at each other, both of us grinning like crazy.
“Oh, I don’t think that will be an issue,” He said, squeezing my hand.