Work Text:
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: so
TG: are there any rules to this showdown or
GG: no powers!
GG: seriously i just got done telling you that
TG: no i mean i got that part
TG: but like
TG: is this no holds barred or do we have any rules of engagement here
TG: idk
TG: like maybe headshots arent a thing
TG: shit like that
GG: a snowball fight without headshots isnt any kind of snowball fight i want to be part of!!
TG: fair enough
GG: if you get a handful of snow down someones pants you win automatically
TG: okay now hold your horses
TG: i cant help noticing a little something
TG: you say pants right there
TG: enlighten me
TG: what are you wearing again
GG: a skirt? :)
TG: i see
GG: semantics!!
TG: semantics
TG: now as one of the unwashed uneducated masses you may not have realized this
TG: but my shiny new degree in apparel physics qualifies me to make some interesting conclusions here
TG: if i put a handful of snow down your skirt what happens to it
TG: it falls out of your skirt
TG: it falls right out the bottom of your skirt
GG: that does definitely sound like a problem
GG: but im sure that if you think long and hard youll be able to come up with a solution!! :D
GG: doctor strider
GG: if you got a nonterminal ms you could even be master strider
GG: master of pants
TG: i see you taunting me over there
TG: but i still cant help but notice that these winning conditions of yours only work in one direction
GG: it isnt my fault you decided to let me make the rules!
GG: or you could have just worn a skirt and saved yourself all this trouble
GG: dave youre really showing some poor judgment today :(
TG: i cant really argue with you there
TG: but i would like you to imagine me giving you the biggest and saddest puppy eyes
TG: so big
TG: so sad
TG: you feel that guilt starting to bubble up
TG: just remember that
GG: umm are you implying you can out-puppy me??? :O
GG: dave im insulted :(
GG: and hurt!
GG: youd better watch out
GG: you never know what ill do when im upset like this
TG: ah yes
TG: such genuine emotion
TG: you are definitely very hurt and i have so much to be sorry for
TG: …
TG: so
TG: i cant help but notice that the airspace around me is suddenly occupied
TG: by a number of floating snowballs
GG: floating snowballs?
GG: imagine! :O
TG: what was that about not using our god tier powers again
GG: i just warned you!
GG: and you didnt even listen
TG: that was less than a minute ago
TG: and yet here we are
TG: in snowball bullet hell
TG: why miss harley
TG: one might almost think youd planned this
GG: oh dont give me that!!
GG: you started it!!!!
TG: what
TG: no i didnt
GG: dont even try mister
GG: ive been feeling daves pop in and out all over the place since this conversation started!
TG: whoa you cant hold me responsible for that
TG: future daves doing their future thing
TG: ive just been sitting here like a good little punching bag
TG: watching the snowball pack circle
TG: waiting to come in for the kill
GG: future daves doing their future thing still means youre going to cheat!
GG: dont even front
GG: dave-based cheating is inevitable
GG: so im just taking preemptive anti-cheating measures >:)
TG: so you cheated first
GG: no!!
TG: hmm
TG: welp
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.
PTG: ill have you know that i am acting in literal self defense at this moment
GG: see!!
GG: youre right where you were when i had you pinned arent you
GG: i felt you there when you were still walking around and letting me make the rules
GG: i knew you were going to cheat! >:D
PTG: see now
PTG: some might argue that using your spacey powers to keep tabs on where i am
PTG: well
PTG: i wouldn’t say im the first person to cheat here
PTG: just
PTG: saying
GG: but its like my ears!!
GG: i cant just turn my ears off :(
GG: and also i cant go after you when youre in the past!
PTG: yeah see
PTG: that situation I just bailed out of
PTG: its like turning off my sense of self preservation
PTG: also not happening
PTG: im prepared to take all the beatings you can dish out with your own two hands
PTG: im surprised there was any snow left on the planet after you pulled that
PTG: land of frost and frogs
PTG: or at least thats what we called it until jade decided to cheat in a snowball fight
PTG: now it’s the land of dirt and frogs
PTG: land of used to be snow and frogs
PTG: land of jades a dirty filthy cheater and frogs
GG: you can call me a cheater all you want but youre still in the past where I cant do anything!
GG: but i guess the longer you spend there the closer you get to where I decide to take action
GG: against everyone and everything >:D
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 7 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: yeah that sounded ominous
GG: hey!!!!
GG: unfair!
GG: and i bet in seven minutes im still going to remember to go after you
GG: so you arent just a cheater
GG: youre a DUMB cheater
FTG: hey im trying to play as close to the rules as i can without dying an actual literal death from snowball assault
GG: even if you die youll probably revive? :D
FTG: i think that sounded more reassuring in your head
GG: rrrrrrrrrggghhh there are like three of you right now and I can FEEL you and none of you are answering me!
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: hey look im right now and im answering you
CTG: im like a magical wish granting snow fairy over here
GG: okay then
GG: no wait youre gone already!!
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.
PTG: yes
PTG: because im not an idiot
PTG: i can see how this shit is going to go
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: now im here and answering again
CTG: im being so helpful surely you wouldnt beat up a poor helpless boy whos only trying to make you happy
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 1 MINUTE AGO responded to chat.
PTG: see now
PTG: that was a lot of snowballs
PTG: you arent really meeting me halfway here
PTG: youre creating a hostile environment for us to communicate in
PTG: you should really try to work on that
GG: hmm
GG: one minute ago?
GG: i wonder if that was when i did the thing?
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 9 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: JADE
FTG: jade
FTG: okay
FTG: so
FTG: it looks like im maybe
FTG: a foot or three shorter than I used to be
FTG: im not sure it is a little hard to estimate these things
FTG: i dont want to point any fingers here
FTG: but do you have any idea who might be responsible for this
GG: >:DDDDDDDD
GG: dont complain
GG: you arent THAT much shorter
GG: you did get away before i got you as small as I wanted :T
FTG: oh
FTG: i got away before you got me as small as you wanted
FTG: thats so comforting
FTG: youre very good at this reassurance thing you should definitely do it more often
FTG: you have a real talent
GG: oh stop whining!
GG: its super temporary
GG: you just have to come back and show yourself and i can fix everything
FTG: oh yeah
FTG: you know what this day hasnt been good for
FTG: trust
FTG: you know what this is a perfectly good height i never liked reaching the top shelf anyways
GG: oh stop that!
FTG: im not coming back there to face snowball hell
FTG: my body isnt ready
GG: dave
GG: daaaaaaaaave
GG: this is war!!
GG: alls fair in love and war so were double qualified!
GG: you had your chance to make rules and you didnt do anything about it
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: oh I was supposed to psychically divine that you had to be told not to shrink me to pocket size
CTG: that makes sense
GG: there you are!!!!
CTG: …
CTG: what
GG: ????
GG: youre bigger now
GG: try to keep up!
CTG: nope
CTG: sorry to disappoint but im still my size barbie dave
GG: …
GG: are you sure??
CTG: im drowning in snowbanks now
CTG: i am pretty sure
GG: ……………
CTG: jade
GG: …………………………
CTG: jade
CTG: did you just resize the wrong dave
GG: ……………………………………………… maybe :I
CTG: and so this bullshittery is guaranteed to continue
CTG: for how long we know not
CTG: can I hope that giant dave is at least around doing his thing
CTG: so i can maybe catch up with wtf i even need to do to keep the fabric of time in order
CTG: how big even is he
CTG: am i
CTG: is this honey i blew up the baby dave
CTG: you know what im perfectly fine with that
GG: hush!!
GG: im trying to figure out where he went
GG: there are so many of you around and only ONE of you is talking to me and none of you will stop time traveling!
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.
PTG: what can i say im an agent of chaos
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 1 MINUTE FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: my only joy in life is now making your life more difficult
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: slash looking for a regular sized dave
FTG: or even my missing giant dave compatriot
FTG: i need him or this mini me act will never get off the ground
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.
FTG: ill stop time traveling all over the place if you give me
FTG: one MILLION dollars
GG: stop!!
GG: there are like SIX of you right now im losing track!
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: unless theres seven
GG: aaaaah youre hopeless! >:O
CTG: oh
CTG: hey
CTG: you resized the right dave this time
CTG: that’s actually pretty awesome
CTG: all according to keikaku
CTG: (keikaku means plan)
GG: im trying to be helpful!
CTG: thats sweet of you
CTG: if tragically naive
CTG: cast your mind back
CTG: who was it that said all was fair in love and war?
GG: okay mister i still know which current dave you actually are
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: do you
FTG: do you really
FTG: and i mean thats apart from all the other times ive jumped around where i didnt bother to message you
FTG: daves lying in wait
FTG: mapping out the lay of the land
FTG: ill have you know that this game is taking literal years of stakeout time off my life
GG: aw dave!
GG: dont worry im sure its only taking months
GG: and hey!
GG: that means ive been hitting you with snowballs this whole time and you havent said anything!
GG: rude!!! >:O
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.
PTG: youre right my apologies i should really have been on my phone the whole time you were concussing me to hell and back
GG: you were fine with headshots before!
GG: but are you concussed??
GG: we can stop if you need to
PTG: hmm im not sure
PTG: i am seeing double
GG: ……………
GG: ……………………………………………………
GG: is it double daves
PTG: maybe
GG: you know what
GG: what is this
GG: four minutes ago?
PTG: why
PTG: oh
PTG: fuck
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: okay jade i am right here right now i would like to stop being supersize dave please and thank you
CTG: i am hitting my head on the branches
CTG: this is not an ideal situation
GG: gosh!!
GG: there are so many daves if only I knew which was the right one
GG: i guess id better try shrinking all of you???
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 15 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.
FTG: WAIT
FTG: fuck
FTG: dont shrink anybody
FTG: im gone you wont shrink me even if you try
GG: oh no!! :O
GG: maybe id better try shrinking a few daves just to be on the safe side
GG: yes?
GG: no???
GG: what im saying here is that you have no way to win >:)
GG: you know
GG: in case you hadnt caught on quite yet
FTG: idk
FTG: maybe i could be the new sasquatch of lofaf
FTG: wandering through the trees in the snow
FTG: telling passing travellers tales of the cruelty of my girlfriend
GG: dont be a baby!!!
GG: this is easy to fix
GG: all i need is your unconditional surrender >:)
FTG: ok but see
FTG: you may notice the number of daves about the place
GG: ive noticed a lot of daves!
GG: and ive made a lot of daves regret that they ever crossed me >:DDDD
FTG: im aware
FTG: trust me
FTG: im not sure if you realize that all those poor battered daves are secretly all the same dave
FTG: because theyre all the same dave
GG: and im still sitting right where I started and nobody even bothered to throw a single snowball at me! :O
FTG: are you done beating me into submission or do you want to get a few more hits in
GG: i just want to be sure we both know who the snowball fight champion is!! :D
FTG: i think the current champion should lose her crown for reasons of being a no good dirty rotten cheater
GG: technically you cheated first!!!
FTG: ok no technically there is this little thing called time travel you may have heard of it and it renders that argument completely invalid
GG: i think dave just hates fun :(((((
FTG: dave hates getting tree branches stuck in his hair
GG: then dave just has to come back TO THE PRESENT so that i can do something about it! :PPPP
FTG: shit you know what I dont even care anymore
FTG: ill take the snowball hell
FTG: ill take the ceremonial snow pantsing
FTG: I would just like to be able to occupy a reasonable amount of space again
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.
CTG: okay
CTG: so i stopped on the way to check myself out
CTG: sitting here all fun sized and having a conversation with you
CTG: and jade
CTG: in what universe did you think you were turning tiny me back into regular size
GG: its not an exact science!
GG: and i was doing it over long distance!
GG: and dont complain you arent THAT big
CTG: not that big huh
CTG: i don’t fit through the trees like this
CTG: youve trapped me in the saddest loneliest tree prison
CTG: left me to rot
CTG: oh will i ever know the comfort of a roof over my head again
CTG: maybe my real friends will come and build a house around me
GG: well gosh maybe I could fix you if I was certain which dave you were
GG: there’s still a few of you lurking around!
GG: i can always just start guessing and see how long we can draw this mess out :P
CTG: no its okay ill wait for you
CTG: i can use my sword to mark off the days on these trunks
CTG: ill tame the hummingbirds
CTG: theyll be my only friends
CTG: they can bring me food and water
GG: oh stop!! im halfway to you already.
GG: at least i think its you
CTG: im tired and im hungry
CTG: and my tails froze
CTG: and my nose is froze
CTG: and my ears are froze
CTG: and my toes are froze
GG: dont you quote disney at me
GG: you dont even have a tail!
GG: but my skirt is soaked
GG: i should probably change that when we get home
GG: and then we can warm up together!! :D
CTG: hey
CTG: hey jade
GG: what?
CTG: guess what time travel is good for
GG: im going to guess thats a rhetorical question :P
CTG: its good for going back home to run a hot bath and line up some hot chocolate
GG: !!!!!
GG: ahhhh youre the best!
GG: i knew there was a reason i kept you around
GG: im almost there and then I can port us home and get you all warmed up
GG: ill see you in just a minute okay? <3
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --