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Kakashi bolted up gasping awake in bed. He was breathing hard and fast. He stared at the ceiling through blurry, sleepy eyes. He’d had it again. The same dream. The same nightmare. He watched one of the first friends he ever had die. He watched himself murder another. And he watched his teacher, the man who became like a father, being wretched from his life by a nameless monster.
Kakashi breathed in and held it for a few moments before letting the breath out in a slow, deep sigh willing himself to calm down. Willing his breath to slow, his head to clear, and his heart to stop aching. But the ache remained. It always did. There was very little that could calm his grief.
Only the few people he held dear could cause the ache to cease. And few they truly where. His thoughts turned to them.
Guy was his oldest friend. Not that Kakashi would have ever admitted to it when they were kids, but…well. Trauma tends to change people. And it changed Kakashi for the better. He might dodge and evade and wear indifference like a cloak, but if anyone asked him outright he would call Guy his best friend. Because it was true and he had learned the consequences of shutting out friends years ago. So when Guy asked for a match he complied. Usually. Sometimes, when he complained enough, Guy would let it slip and they spent an evening drinking or walking instead. He liked those days. Because no matter how much he appreciated the man’s friendship Guy really could be too much sometimes. Thankfully, he also had Tenzou.
Tenzou was a good friend from his anbu days. How lucky that they had both survived so long. Shinobi weren’t known for their long lives. Especially in anbu. It was…nice to have his old teammate by his side. Training their students together. Despite being raised in the foundation Tenzou had an ease with people that Kakashi never has. And he was singularly qualified for dealing with Sai. When they spent their downtime together it was easy. They could sit in silence for hours, simply enjoying each other’s company. They would laugh together too. Few people could make Kakashi laugh.
There was also the newest addition to his team. The young anbu who’s emotions had been ripped from him. Kakashi had simply thought of him as a replacement teammate at first. But as the young man slowly, awkwardly, became a member of team seven Kakashi found that the boy had become one of his precious students. He wanted to help the young ninja. To lead him through the dark and lonely place Danzo had forced him into. Like Minato sensei had helped him. He wanted to see joy and hope in the young man’s life. He wanted him to feel again. After all, Kakashi himself was proof that it was possible.
Then sakura. When Kakashi first met her sakura was just a child. A girl who cared more about boys than ninja training. She had been clingy towards one teammate but violet and dismissive of the other. Almost completely dependent on them too. She had talent, but did not care enough to hone it. Rather she rejected it, because he had rejected it. Because sasuke had rejected the possibility that she could be better than him at something; at anything. But she was. She had a talent for chakra control that exceeded most shinobi twice her age. And when Sasuke left it drove her to do something with it. To be better. To be someone others could count on. She had an unyielding love for the people she held dear. And that had become her greatest trait. A love that allowed her to heal others. She had grown into a fine kunoichi, and one that he was proud to call his student.
Sasuke. His wayward student. He had been cold, stubborn, unyielding and arrogant. He refused to acknowledge others strength and took them for granted. He had been just like him at that age. He supposes that’s why he gave him so much more of his attention than the other two. Because he knew where that path was leading him and hoped somehow, maybe, he could stop it. He had slowly begun to change. He was forgetting about revenge and hatred and had begun to enjoy life again. Enjoy belonging somewhere. Kakashi had begun to hope that Sasuke could have a normal life with the people who loved him. But then, in a single day, Itachi had shattered that hope and blinded Sasuke to everything but hate. So he had left them. Left the village. Left the team. Left Kakashi.
For a moment the pain worsened as Kakashi grieved for his lost student. But then…
There was Naruto. The young ninja who gave him so much hope. Hope that there was good in the world, and that the future could be bright. The young man who reminded him so much of his friend. The only child of his beloved sensei who had become his own father. Kakashi had looked after Naruto from the day he was born. He watched from afar. He had been afraid to get close to the boy - never mind that the Third had forbidden it anyway. What if being around him was too painful? To this day he couldn’t look at him without seeing Minato and Kushina. But Naruto surprised him, as he had done many times since. Rather than being painful, Kakashi found solace in his presence. The boy was always so full of life. He was like the sun. Just his presence made everything brighter.
There were others too, though not quite as close to his heart. Asuma and Kurenai. Genma, Raidou, a few other jounin and ex anbu. Sometimes even Iruka.
Kakashi sighed again. The pain had gone. As long as he had them he would be alright.