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It’s not that Stiles hates college per say, it’s just that coming home after the kind of day he had, he really wishes he was in Beacon Hills stuck in the year after high school. Taking a year off had been the best thing that happened to him. He’d spent far more time with people he cares about. But now he’s here, and forced to study or else he’ll lose his scholarship, and really, Stiles is lonely all the time.
He shuts his apartment door behind him and hears Scott say, “I found him like this.”
“What are you–?” Stiles turns to see Derek sitting in the middle of the living room floor. Pages and pages of Stiles’ handwriting scattered around him. He doesn’t move for a couple beats.
His initial reaction is to run and hug Derek. Fuck, he’s missed him so much.But he can’t because Derek found his letters. He found all of the letters he’d written in the past two years of college. They had started off to comfort him, to make him feel a little less alone in this place. They had started with the intention of no one ever reading them.
“You love me?” Derek whispers, looking up at Stiles.
Scott gives him an apologetic look and slips out the front door. Stiles wants to call him a traitor for leaving him with Derek. Still, he can’t really blame the guy. He focuses his anger on Derek and wants to yell at him for being gone for two years. Still, he can’t bring himself to say the words. He shrugs. “Yeah, yeah, I do.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Derek asks. There are tears in his eyes. Stiles doesn’t know what to do. He wants to stay angry for Derek showing up after two years of radio silence and then poking his nose into something that wasn’t his business at all. The anger melts when he sees a tear fall from Derek’s face and land on one of his pages.
“Why didn’t I tell you– are you kidding me? Derek, once I had finished packing up for college you took off and didn’t come back. I moved in three days late because I waited around for you. Scott couldn’t track your scent anywhere and…and Jackson told me it was time to give up. He was the only one who had the balls to tell me you wouldn’t be coming back for me.”
Derek doesn’t say anything to that.
“Erica went home on weekends looking for you. Boyd only went with her so she wouldn’t be alone. He knew what we didn’t. You’d really left us all alone.” Stiles takes a deep breath. “Lydia missed you. She went to England for school and she Skyped me at all hours and sometimes she’d mention how nice it’d be to hear from you. And Allison. Fuck, Allison wanted to spend some time with you. To get to know you. Malia and Kira…they were disappointed. Cora had to tell them that she hadn’t heard from you either.”
“But you all left.”
“Yeah, for college or jobs. But it didn’t mean we wouldn’t stay in touch. We have a Pack Night once a month. Lydia and Jackson even fly in from England. Kira and Malia come from Florida. Cora comes down from New York. Liam, Hayden, Mason, and Tracy come from Beacon Hills. We meet here get real fucking drunk, and talk about what’s going on in our lives.”
“I read,” Derek says, looking down at Stiles’ letters again. “You wrote all of this but never sent it to me.”
“I had no where to send it to!” Stiles shouts. “Where the hell have you been for the past two years?”
Derek doesn’t answer him. He picks up one letter and asks, “Did you really think I hated you in the beginning?”
Stiles throws his hands up in the air. Clearly, Derek wasn’t going to tell him shit. He shouldn’t be so damn surprised. “Of fucking course I did, you asshole! Where the hell have you been?”
“I just…everyone else knew I was desperately in love with you. Danny took me out drinking with Ethan and Aiden and said that I should just tell you.”
“And you didn’t and you lived to regret it. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Speaking of Danny, I think I’m spending the night at his place tonight. Enjoy my apartment, you asshole.”
Stiles walks out of his apartment without thinking twice. He makes it all the way out the lobby doors before he huffs and turns around. No, he’s not going to be another person who abandons Derek. He can’t do it. He won’t do it.
When he gets upstairs, Derek is curled up in his wolf form on Stiles’ bed. He can’t help but think that it was to prevent himself from crying.
Stiles mumbles, “Shove over,” as he gets into the bed beside Derek. They don’t say anything else for the rest of the night.
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“I knocked the box over by accident. They were all addressed to me. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to read them,” Derek mumbles. “There were so many. I didn’t finish them all.”
Stiles looks over at Derek, who is staring intently at the fruit bowl in front of him. He sighs. “I sent the first one to your apartment. It was sent back to me.”
Derek frowns. “I’m sorry, Stiles. I guess everyone as so busy talking about their plans and the next steps to the rest of their lives and I just didn’t hear anyone say they’d stick around.”
“We all knew we would. It wasn’t a question,” Stiles tells him but his tone is gentle this time. “Two years is a long time to be gone.”
Derek bobs his head up and down. He looks so wrapped up in his own thoughts that Stiles is surprised when he says, “Can I read the last letter you wrote to me? I didn’t quite make it there.”
Stiles shrugs. “Sure. Have at it.”
He knows what it says. It’s not very long. He watches as Derek unfolds the piece of paper and reads.
Dear Derek,
I had a date last night. A really, really shitty date. It’s been just over two years since you disappeared into the world for your next adventure. I can’t help but wish you’d asked for me to come with you. I would’ve gone with you in a heart beat. College sucks. It does. So much.
I spent last night wishing I was on a date with you, daydreaming of the things you might say or do. Wondering if we had ever had a chance to go on a date, if we’d outlast the moon. I wonder if you’ll ever make your way home to me, and if it’ll still feel like home for you.
I need you to come home, Derek. I need you to tell me it’s all going to be okay now and I need you to know that life is miserable without you. I tried. I tried real hard to get up every morning and pretend everything is okay.
Come back to me,
S.
Derek lifts his head. “In one of your letters you had written that you didn’t want to know who you are without me.”
“Yeah. I didn’t.”
“And now that you do?” Derek asks.
Stiles shrugs. “I don’t like me very much.”
“I can’t–I can’t promise that everything’s going to be okay, Stiles. I can’t–I can’t guarantee that I can make it better,” Derek says, sounding a little desperate. “You’re asking too much of me.”
“I didn’t ask you.” Stiles takes the letter out of Derek’s hands and folds it back up. “I didn’t ask you to come home. I didn’t ask you to do anything.”
“But you wanted to,” Derek says, looking at the piece of paper in Stiles’ hands.
“But I didn’t. Derek, don’t you get it? I don’t want anything from you. I just want you to be happy. And you clearly weren’t happy with me. With the pack.” Stiles shrugs again. “I can’t fix that. I don’t know how to fix that.”
Derek falls silent. It’s the most frustrating thing about him. Stiles continues making them breakfast and it’s not until they’ve finished their omelettes that Derek says, “I was happy with you.”
Stiles looks at him now, and doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel. He just grabs the dishes and puts them in the sink. He wants to leave, to clear his head, but he knows that leaving Derek here alone might mean that he’ll come back to an empty apartment.
He says, “Let’s go to the park and feed some ducks.”
Derek gives him an odd look, but doesn’t argue.
♚♞♚♞♚♞
"What are you going to do?” Stiles asks as they both throw some bread at the ducks near by from their bench.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to find a place to live and a job. I was working as a mechanic in Alabama that I liked, so I guess I could try to find a job like that here,” Derek says.
“Um, excuse me. You were a mechanic in Alabama? Are you fucking kidding me?” Stiles says, but this time he’s laughing and it doesn’t seem like Derek gets the joke. Stiles shakes his head and says, “Sometimes the pack would play What Do You Think Derek Is Doing Right Now and Kira suggested a mechanic and literally everyone else said no. And Hayden joked about you being in Alabama and we were all very adamant that you wouldn’t be there.”
Derek looks at him for a moment and then he asks, “How’s Isaac?”
Stiles swallows. “He’s good. He’s doing good. He has good and bad days, but he’s living with Allison and she said that he has a job. He was pretty hurt by you leaving too.”
“I didn’t want to. I just…”
“Panicked. I get it. But two years is a long time. So much can happen in a single day, let alone two years worth of days.” Stiles hands Derek another piece of bread so he can keep feeding the ducks. A momma duck and her five babies come up out of the water. “Are we supposed to forgive you for that?”
“No.”
Stiles shrugs. “Well, we will anyway.”
Derek’s head jerks up to look at him. Stiles rolls his eyes and gives him a small smile. Derek swallows hard before he asks, “You’re sure about that?”
Stiles nods. “Yeah, I’m sure about that.”
“I read your letters–Stiles, I don’t think I can forgive myself.”
"Well you better. You’ve spent enough time feeling responsible for things you shouldn’t. And it’s on us, as a pack, for not making you feel like you’d be included in our plans for the future. So we owe you an apology too, y’know?”
Derek shakes his head. “No, you don’t. No one does.”
“You’ll get eaten alive if you say that to the pack. Mark my words,” Stiles says, bumping shoulders against Derek’s. It’s a start.
♚♞♚♞♚♞
STILES: everything ready?
LYDIA: yep, we’re all in place.
STILES: see you in two.
"Are you texting a girlfriend?” Derek asks, glancing over at Stiles. They’d gone out for dinner and periodically he’d check his phone for updates from the pack. Stiles scoffs.
“I think my letters made it very clear that I am painfully still single.” Stiles shakes his head amused. “Thanks for thinking I could get laid in college. I do appreciate that.”
Derek looks a little offended but that’s the extent of their conversation. He drives into Stiles’ parking lot and turns off the car. When he doesn’t immediately start to get out, Stiles stops moving. “I don’t want you to think I didn’t want you, Stiles.”
“I–Derek, we don’t have to do this now.”
“We do. I just…it wasn’t that I didn’t want you. It’s because I wanted you somuch but you having a normal life is more important. It was. I wanted you to…be happy.”
Stiles snorts. Derek looks alarmed. “It’s ironic that we wanted the other to be happy but we only made ourselves miserable in the process. We wanted the same things. God, we were so fucking stupid. Now c’mon, I have something I want to show you.”
Derek doesn’t argue. He follows Stiles into the building. When they enter the elevator, Derek tentatively reaches out for Stiles’ hand. He’s surprised but he takes Derek’s hand firmly with his and squeezes.
“You smell nervous,” Derek says when the elevator starts to move. “Why are you nervous?”
"Wow, you and Malia are a lot more alike than I thought. No tact when it comes to asking us tiny humans what we’re feeling, huh?” Stiles teases. He feels some of the weight that he’s been carrying around with him for two years seep away.
“You’re not going to tell me are you?”
“Nope.”
"Is Scott burning cookies?” Derek asks, suddenly when they’re off the elevator and walking down the hall. “God, that’s all I can smell.”
Stiles grins now. That’s exactly what he wanted. Derek scrunches up his nose and Stiles unlocks the door to the apartment. “After you, Hale.”
Derek frowns but pushes the door open. The entire pack shout things all at once. Stiles realizes that Derek probably knew exactly what they all said because of his werewolf hearing but Stiles is a little overwhelmed. The only thing he really understood is Erica screaming “You bastard!”
“What–?” Derek turns back to Stiles and he looks ready to tear up. Twice in one week. Must be some kind of record for the big bad wolf who never showed emotion to anyone. “You did this for me?”
Stiles shrugs. “You’re important to us.”
“I–” Derek smiles at him and pulls Stiles into a tight hug. Then he turns back to the pack and Erica’s fist his his cheek.
“Whoa!” Stiles shouts, catching Derek. He glares at Erica. “What the fuck?”
“I’m all good now. Welcome home, Derek!” Erica says, beaming at him suddenly. Derek laughs and shakes his head, but Stiles can see the amusement on his face.
“I deserved that. But can we not make this a punching Derek night?” Derek asks.
“No one else will abuse Derek or I swear to god, I will come up with creative ways to torture you.” Stiles brushes Derek’s cheek and says, “I guess it’s a good thing you’re a werewolf and heal quickly, huh?”
“I guess.”
“It’s good to have you back,” Scott announces loudly. A few others agree and Derek makes his rounds. Stiles watches him and as he laughs with people he hasn’t seen in two years, Stiles feels the weight of missing Derek disappear. Things would be okay.
Stiles waits when Derek makes his way to Isaac. They both hesitate and then Isaac throws himself around Derek. He basically climbs on him and squeezes him so tightly that even werewolf Derek has a hard time breathing.
“Don’t leave us again,” Isaac says, and Derek holds him tightly.
“I won’t. I won’t. I’m not going anywhere, Isaac. Not again. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”
“You did a good thing,” Lydia tells him when she steps up beside Stiles. He doesn’t look away from Derek and Isaac’s reunion to look at her though. “I know this must have been tough for you since you were the only one who was angry at him. But this…this is good. The pack’s finally together again.”
Stiles swallows. The lump in his throat only grows.
“I had to. Not too many people have been kind to him. I didn’t want to be one of those people,” Stiles whispers. He feels the emotion hit him now and he tries to hold it back. Lydia places her hand on his arm and squeezes.
“It’s going to be okay. Derek’s home.”
For how long? Stiles thinks despite himself. He’s left twice before. What if he leaves and doesn’t come back?
When Derek says hi to Kira, she starts crying. She smacks his arm and then puts her arms around his neck. He lifts her up and she puts her legs around his waist. It’s funny to see because she seems so tiny against him. Kira’s murmuring something into Derek’s ear and she’s wiping at her tears. Stiles chest rises and falls harder than he expects. He’d known Kira had been upset with Derek leaving. He just hadn’t realized how much it’d bothered her until now.
“I don’t know if I can stay,” Stiles mumbles to Lydia. “This is too hard.”
“It’s not–okay, Stiles. If you have to leave. I won’t stop you.”
Stiles nods, and then turns to put his hand on the door. He can’t resist watching as Derek kisses Malia’s cheek and then gives Jackson a big bear hug. That’s the last of it he can take before he disappears out the apartment door. He makes it down to the lobby before he’s stopped by Boyd.
“Having werewolves as friends sucks,” Stiles grumbles.
“Get back upstairs. Don’t you think everyone else is also feeling overwhelmed by Derek suddenly being back in our lives? Stiles, we all moved on. We forgave Derek and we moved on. Suddenly, he’s back, and we have to figure out how to open that chapter in our lives again. Where Derek is important to us. No one knows how to handle it. Even Derek knows that. But you. You never gave up on Derek.”
“Yes, I did!” Stiles shouts. “I gave up. I never thought he’d be back! I thought he’d given up on us!”
Boyd stares at him for a beat too long.
Stiles closes his eyes. “Okay, so, that’s not true. I knew he’d come around again. I knew it wasn’t finished.”
“Because?”
“Because I never closed the chapter in my life. I didn’t do anything without him. I didn’t become someone.” Stiles huffs. “I was stupid and waited for him to come back to make me feel alive again and I can’t believe that I did that. It’s so pathetic.”
“Stiles, if this really is too much for you, then leave. But Derek just got welcomed by a pack he abandoned for two years. I don’t think he’s going to handle it as well as we all hoped.”
“Why not?” Stiles asks.
“Because Derek always feels the guilt for things that are out of his control. Things that he shouldn’t feel guilty for. And you know who always fought for him to learn that he wasn’t at fault?” Boyd asks him. “Do you know who never left his side?”
Stiles shakes his head.
“You. So, Stiles Stilinski, you can run away if you want, but then you’ll be proving to Derek that it’s easy to abandon him. Just like everyone else has before our pack,” Boyd says.
Stiles mumbles, “I hate you sometimes, Boyd,” but then they’re both walking back upstairs. Stiles grabs a potted plant from the lobby and takes it with him. When Boyd looks at him questioningly, Stiles mutters, “We forgot Derek’s welcome home plant and went down to get it. That’s why we left the party.”
Boyd leans into him when they’re on the elevator, bumping his arm against Stiles’. “You know that he loves you, right?”
“He has an odd way of showing it.” Stiles looks down at the plant. “What if I can’t do this? What if I can’t forgive him?”
“Then we’ll work through it. The pack is big enough that you two never have to speak to each other if you don’t want to.” Boyd waits for him outside the elevator. “If you can’t do this, if you can’t go back into the party, the pack will understand.”
"But I won’t.” Stiles and Boyd slip back into the apartment. He catches the way Derek looks relieved to see him again. Stiles turns to Boyd who gives him one nod of approval. He can’t help but feel a little relieved too.
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Things seem to fall into place as though Derek had never been gone. Eventually, some of the pack start to head out for the night. Scott and Stiles’ apartment isn’t big enough for everyone to crash. It’s Cora who asks Derek where he’ll be staying for the night, and Derek’s lips part but he doesn’t have an answer.
Stiles swoops in and says, “He’ll stay here with me. In my room. On the floor. Like he’s been doing all week. It’s fine.”
Derek raises his eyebrows but doesn’t argue. Cora shrugs. “Alright, big brother. I’m going to head over to Isaac’s place. But it was nice seeing you. We’ll get breakfast tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
Cora, Isaac, Allison, and Lydia are the last of the pack to head out. Stiles knows most of them are going over to Jackson’s apartment that he rents in the city. It’s much bigger than this one and has four bedrooms. The beauty of being rich is being able to afford to rent two different apartments at the same time.
“I’m gonna crash. It’s good to have you back,” Scott tells Derek as he goes into his bedroom.
Stiles rubs his jaw. “That was pretty intense. I didn’t expect Tracy to cry.”
Derek laughs a little. “I didn’t see that coming either. I hadn’t realized she’d liked me so much.”
Stiles shrugs and moves to join him on the couch. He pulls his legs up and looks at Derek, biting his bottom lip. He’d really assumed more people would crash. Although Jackson’s penthouse suite is definitely more appealing. Plus everyone probably wants to talk about Derek being back without Derek knowing.
“So you were going to leave tonight.”
He doesn’t ask how he knows. He nods. “Yeah, I was. Boyd stopped me. He reminded me that you don’t deserve it. To be abandoned again. And I can’t…I can’t be one of the people who do.”
“You almost did.”
“But I didn’t. Because at the end of the day, Derek, I’m still madly in love with you just the same as I was before you left. Maybe even more.”Stiles shrugs. “I don’t think there’s much I can do about it. So I understand if that makes it weird for you and you’d rather not be friends but. That’s that.”
“Why do you love me?” Derek asks, shaking his head. “How can you love me.”
“You just had to be you.” Stiles doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels a tear hit his hand. He wipes at his eyes. “That’s all you’ve ever had to do for me to love you.”
Derek inhales sharply. “You wrote in one of your letters–”
“I wish you’d stop reminding me that you went through my personal stuff and violated my privacy,” Stiles mutters.
“–that if you ever saw me again, you’d kiss me until I couldn’t live without you again,” Derek whispers.
Stiles closes his eyes and rubs his hand over his face. He doesn’t know what to do. God, he’d written so many things in those damn letters. He simply says, “Yeah.”
“Why haven’t you?” Derek asks.
“Haven’t I–?”
“Kissed me?”
Stiles thinks he chokes on air. It may be the first time he’s ever done that. He swears Derek cracks a smile. Like he had tried to catch Stiles off guard on purpose. The bastard. “You–can’t–Derek.”
“What?” Derek asks.
“You can’t just ask someone that. What if I had some sort of plan? Some big grand scheme? Some build up?” Stiles asks.
“Did you?”
“No, but I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you’re here.You’re really here with me again.”
“Stiles, has anyone told you that you think too much?”
Stiles lets out a strangled laugh. “Yeah, someone I used to know might have told me once or twice.”
“I don’t need a build up. Do you?”
Stiles doesn’t realize he’s moving until he’s on top of Derek and his face is an inch away. “I think we’ve had like six years worth of a build up, don’t you?”
“Smooth line, Stilin–” Derek doesn’t get to finish because then Stiles is kissing him.
It doesn’t erase the sadness of the past two years, but it does make Derek breathlessly whisper, “I can’t live without you, Stiles.”
He nods and takes Derek’s hand. Stiles leads Derek to his bedroom and when he shuts the door, he says, “It’s a good thing that I can’t really live without you either, huh?”
Derek flashes a grin in his direction and then comes close to Stiles. “I’m sorry I left. I’m an idiot and I’m not sure how I lasted for so long without you. I know you can’t forgive me overnight but can you let me attempt to make it up to you?”
“Mmm,” Stiles says when Derek’s lips brush his neck. He nods. “Yeah, yeah, I think we have our whole lives for that. I might forgive you when we’re 80.”
Derek drags his tongue over Stiles’ collarbone.
“Or I might forgive you now if you keep doing that. Yeah, yeah, okay. You realize your punishment is that you missed out on my naked body for two years, right?” Stiles breathes. Derek whispers something against his skin. He can’t quite make it out.
“I hope you forgive me before we’re 80,” Derek murmurs coming back up to Stiles’ lips. “I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle what I’m about to do to you when you’re 80.”
Stiles laughs and says, “Derek, that kind of talk isn’t that sexy. Maybe you should shut up and show me what you mean.”
Derek drags Stiles to the bed and gives him a wolfish grin when he yanks his t-shirt off. Stiles breathes a little and then they hear Scott shout from outside the door, “You could’ve warned me, assholes! I don’t want to hear this! Ew, ew, ew!”
Derek laughs so hard he collapses on Stiles and Stiles can’t bother to care because he’s snickering into Derek’s shoulder.
“This is gonna be fun,” Stiles says, grinning at Derek. “I’m happy you’re home.”
“Me too. It’s hard to believe I ever left.” Derek presses his lips against Stiles and a moment later he says, “I know it’s probably not the right time to tell you this, but I’m in love with you. Like the forever-kind.”
“It turns out there’s no bad time to tell me that except when you’re delaying sexy times,” Stiles says, laughing.
“So demanding,” Derek mumbles. “Alright, Stiles, let’s see what you’ve got. Show me your moves.”
“Me?! I don’t have moves! Have you already forgotten that I haven’t gotten laid while in college? I have no moves. None, whatsoever. I’m move-less.”
“C’mon,” Derek says, getting off Stiles. He waves him up. “Let’s see your moves, Stiles.”
Stiles wiggles his butt a little and sits up. He takes his shirt off.
“There. That’s it. That’s my move.”
“It’s a damn good one.” Derek inhales sharply when Stiles reaches out for him. “It’s the best move in the book.”
“Like you know all the moves,” Stiles says with a scoff.
Then there are no more coherent sentences. Stiles finally shuts his brain off and simply enjoys being with Derek after all this time.
When he can finally breathe again (barely and not until after they’ve been lying beside each other panting for at lease five minutes), he rolls over to look at Derek. Their fingers intertwine and he murmurs, “I never stopped loving you.”
Derek waits a beat before he says, “Stiles, you can’t just tell someone you love them when you’re about to have sexy times with them.”
Stiles laughs. “We’re not about to–oh.”
“Yeah. Don’t you listen to your own rules?” Derek asks as he lets his finger tips trail down Stiles’ body. “It’s very rude.”
“Rude. I’ll show you rude,” Stiles says, as he pushes Derek down onto the bed and straddles him. He laughs when Derek reaches up to tickle him. “No fair! No fair, you jackass! I’m trying to punish you.”
Derek laughs and pulls him down for a long, slow kiss. It’s the first of many until they’ve lived long past 80. Two years turns out to be nothing in the grand scheme of love.
♚♞♚♞♚♞