Work Text:
Ed took a deep, steadying breath as he tapped out a message on his phone.
Ed: hey babe
Ed: what are you doing on saturday
Stede ❤️ : Hmm, let me check my schedule. Oh, what’s this? There’s something written here. In pen! It must be important. Hmm, it says… whatever Ed would like to do. 😊
Ed: ngl you had me in the first half
Ed: but okay in that case please reserve saturday for the purpose of witnessing me eat 46 free mini egg rolls
Ed: not the whole saturday obv
Ed: i can do it in 15 mins
Ed: if they bring all 46 to me at once i can get it down to 7 min
Ed: and if they put them in one of those big soup things, what’re they called again
Stede ❤️ : A… bowl?
Ed: mate I know what a bowl is
Stede ❤️ : A… ramekin?
Ed: the fuck’s a ramekin?
Stede ❤️ : A… vintage 1998 Campbell’s thermos?
Ed:
[Alt text: Disappointed man with hands on hips]
Stede ❤️ : It doesn’t have to be Campbell’s. I found a Thundercats thermos for $25 on eBay. Oh! What about Rainbow Brite?
Ed: uh-uh
Ed: care bears or no deal
Stede ❤️ : Sorry, the best I can do is the Smurfs.
Ed: you’re having way too much fun with this aren’t you
Ed: i can practically hear your little giggles
Ed: and that adorable little nose crinkle?
Ed: maniac
Ed: i love it
Ed: don’t stop
Stede ❤️ : How do you know me so well after only 2 months?
Ed: what can i say? you’re my favorite person
Ed: now what the fuck is that soup thing called?
Stede ❤️ : Oh! Did you mean a tureen? 😘
Ed: jesus christ
Ed: yes
Ed: if they put all the egg rolls in a TUREEN i could do it in under 2 min
Ed: depending on how much dipping sauce they give me
Ed: if i drench the lot they’ll just slide right down
Stede ❤️ : Well, there’s nowhere I’d rather be on Saturday than cheering you on as you house a frankly obscene number of deep-fried mini apps in seven to fifteen minutes. Where will you be attempting this epic feat of culinary prowess? What sort of dress code am I looking at? And, purely for my own curiosity and because it’s rather random, why 46 mini egg rolls?
Ed: oh right, well there’s this place that does a promotion where you can get your age in a free food item on your birthday
Ed: calico jack’s
Ed: it’s in that strip mall across from the mini golf course with the fuck off giant pirate ship
Stede ❤️ : I’ve never been there, but if that’s where you want to go, then I’m sure I’ll love it.
Ed: fuck yeah
Ed: this is gonna be so great
Ed: ooo
Ed: mini golf after dinner??
Ed: what do you think
Ed: stede
Ed: babe
Ed: you still there
Stede ❤️ : Wait.
Stede ❤️ : Saturday is your BIRTHDAY?! Why didn’t you say anything????? I only have a few days to plan a party! There’s so much to do. We need to decide on a theme today, Edward!!!!
Ed: breathe, man
Ed: it’s just another day
Ed: tbh kinda forgot about it
Ed: not really worth celebrating
Stede ❤️ : Well, here’s the deal, bucko. We *will* be celebrating your birthday from now on. It’s the day you came into the world, and that puts it squarely at the top of my important dates list.
Ed: fucking hell stede
Stede ❤️ : What?
Ed: you can’t just say things like that
Stede ❤️ : Why not? It’s true.
Ed: shouldn’t your kids’ bdays be at the top of your list?
Stede ❤️ : They are. It’s a three-way tie between you, Alma, and Louis 😊
Ed: fuck stede
Ed: how are you even real?
Ed: someone needs to fucking pinch me because i have to be dreaming
Stede ❤️ : Well, you know the saying: a birthday pinch to grow an inch.
Ed: in that case
Ed: can I have a couple pinches
Ed: 😏 [smirk emoji]
Stede ❤️ : Ed! You know that’s not what I meant!
Stede ❤️ : Although, if pinching is something you’d like…
Ed: jesus
Ed: fuck
Ed: let’s
Ed: put a pin in that
Ed: for now
Stede ❤️ : Anyway, don’t be silly, darling. If this were a dream, I wouldn’t be allergic to pistachios.
Ed: babe
Stede ❤️ : Now, what kind of cake would you like?
Ed: BABE
Stede ❤️ : I’ve never heard of that. Can you send me the recipe? 😉
Ed: oh that’s how you wanna play this huh
Ed: ok then i want a beefcake
Ed: oh wait
Ed: ALREADY GOT ONE 🤭
Stede ❤️ : 😂 Be serious!
Ed: i think i speak for both of us when i say i’d rather be ed
Stede ❤️ : You’re incorrigible. But you’re right. Please never stop being you 💖
Ed: 🫶🏽 [heart hands emoji]
Ed: ok
Ed: how about
Ed: pistachio?
Stede ❤️ : Oh, fuck off! 🖕🏻
Stede ❤️ :
[Alt text: Grumpy cat]
Stede ❤️ : Just for that you’re getting chocolate ganache.
Ed: ❤️❤️❤️ [heart emoji x3]
Stede ❤️ : Okay, I have to go. My planning period is over and the first graders are due any second.
Ed: what are they making?
Stede ❤️ : Other than a mess?
Ed: HA sick burn
Stede ❤️ : Collages of their favorite things. We’re working on fine motor skills, so lots of safety scissor action and glue sticks. Text me when you get home from work?
Ed: 👍🏽❤️ [thumbs up emoji, heart emoji]
Stede ❤️ : 🥰 [hearts around smile emoji]
While Ed was washing his dinner dishes, Lucius messaged him.
Lucius: omg tell me you’re not *actually* taking Stede to Calico Jack’s E. Coli and Salmonella Hut
Ed: it’s calico jack’s hibachi and rib shack, thank you very much
Lucius: That place is responsible for like 85% of the patients we see in the ER with food poisoning
Ed: it’ll be fine
Lucius: IT’S 2023 ED PEOPLE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO GET BOTULISM
Ed: i have a plan
Lucius: Oh my god I need a cigarette
Lucius: Or twelve
Ed: ok well first of all you don’t smoke
Ed: fang would’ve told me if you’d started
Ed: he tells me everything
Ed: even things i’d rather not know
Ed: second it’s not like I’m gonna fucking order moist clams or raw oysters or shit like that
Ed: cooked apps only
Ed: deep fried to perfection 🤌🏽
Lucius: Right, okay. You do know that’s not a foolproof method to avoid food poisoning, right?
Ed: look we’re just gonna go with the flow ok?
Ed: it’ll be fine
Lucius: Bold statement from the man whose delicate little tum-tum betrays him on the regular
Lucius: Do you really think he’s still going to find you hot after you wreck his impeccably color-coordinated bathroom decor?
Ed: it’s mini egg rolls
Ed: how bad could it get
Lucius: You may have forgotten the jalapeño poppers incident of 2022, but the rest of us haven’t. Pete swears the plumbing in the downstairs bathroom hasn’t been the same since
Ed: just had to bring that up didn’t you
Ed: anyway this is different
Ed: stede’s super into it too
Ed: he sent me joey chestnut’s training plan
Ed: the guy from the nathan’s hotdog eating contest
Ed: said it was for ‘inspiration darling’
Ed: isn’t that so goddamn cute 🥰
Ed: he’s gonna be so fucking impressed when i pull this off
Lucius: You two are actually insane
Ed: look man
Ed: i know what i’m doing
Ed: i bagged a hot blond with legs for days
Lucius: omg I can’t with this 😑
Ed: you’re just jealous
Lucius: I really don’t know how, but you two cringey old men somehow make dork4dork look good.
Ed: 🖕🏽[middle finger emoji]
Ed had just gotten himself settled into bed, all cozy and snug, when his phone pinged with Stede’s special text notification tone.
Stede ❤️ : Since you refuse to help AT ALL with choosing a birthday theme or color scheme so we can coordinate outfits, I’ve taken matters into my own hands.
Stede ❤️ : I made a t-shirt design for Saturday.
[Alt text: line drawing of a plate of egg rolls with the text "I love the way you roll"]
Ed: NO FUCKING WAY
Ed: 🤩 [star eyes emoji]
Ed: Heh
Ed: I’ll egg your roll, babe 😉
Ten minutes later, Ed’s phone pinged again.
Stede ❤️ : Since you liked that one so much, I made you a matching one.
Stede ❤️ : What do you think? Do you like it?
[Alt text: line drawing of a tray of egg rolls with text "I'll egg your roll"]
Ed: FUCKING
Ed: YES
Ed: I LOVE IT
Ed: 😍😍😍 [heart eyes emoji x3]
Ed: we’re gonna be the most fashionable blokes in the place 😎
Ed realized he’d made a terrible mistake a quarter of the way through the fourth plate. Sure, he’d taken a calculated risk, but fuck was he bad at math. As it turned out, 46 egg rolls, even mini ones, amounted to a metric fuck ton of food.
He had given himself a little pep talk as the server placed the first two plates in front of him – you can do this; you can do anything . He polished off plate one in 3 minutes flat. Easy peasy puddin’ and fuckin’ pie.
It was after he’d finished the second plate and checked his watch – 9 minutes?! – that he started to suspect this might be tougher than he’d originally thought. Whatever. Ed never backed down from a challenge. Ed would sooner die.
Ed managed to get through plate three, Stede chattering away about different fabric dyeing techniques as an unintentional, but helpful, distraction – he totally had this in the bag.
Plate four was where the possibility that he might not actually be able to eat all of them was starting to look very real.
Fuck that. Ed always won. This time would be no different. Plus, he had a hazel-eyed hottie to impress, so he pushed down the queasiness, ignored the uncomfortably full feeling in his gut, and shoved another egg roll into his mouth.
He was psyching himself up for plate five – You're a killer, bro. Just murder these deep fried fuckers already – when Stede placed a hand on his.
“Ed,” he said softly, that singular word laced with fondness, “you know you don’t have to eat any more if you don’t want to. Thirty-two mini egg rolls is already an impressive feat.”
But Ed, drunk on ginger and carrots and high on hubris, wasn’t about to let an insignificant detail like the finite size of his stomach get in the way of gastronomic victory. “I know, babe. But I’m gonna finish these last two plates. M’ not even full yet.”
The server set down the final double order as an indecipherable look flitted across Stede’s face. “Okay, then.” He smiled faintly and patted Ed’s hand. “You’ve got this, darling.”
In the end, Ed wasn’t entirely sure how many mini egg rolls he ate. He lost count when the cabbage and meat sweats started, and a couple of times he thought an egg roll or two might have disappeared while his eyes were closed. The last six mini appetizers accidentally-on-purpose fell into the potted plant behind Stede’s chair while he was in the bathroom.
Stede paid the bill – with a very generous tip for their server – and they made their way to the rideshare idling outside. It wasn’t a very long ride to Ed’s apartment, but it felt like an eternity. Stede spent the time infodumping about the history of fortune cookies, and while Ed would normally be rapt, his full attention on Stede, he couldn’t pay attention this time. He was too busy concentrating on keeping the contents of his stomach where they belonged.
He had it under control during the walk from the car to the door. He had it under control in the elevator. He had it under control even as the apartment door closed behind him. He had it under control until Stede cocked his head to the side, fixed Ed with a shrewd look, and asked if he was okay.
He opened his mouth to reassure Stede that he was fine, he just needed a little time to digest and to change into literally anything with an elastic waistband.
But in the split second before he spoke, Ed was hit with an impending sense of doom. Oh, no. The mini egg rolls were revolting. Violently.
Fuck. He sprinted for the bathroom, dropping to the floor in front of the toilet in the nick of time.
Stede, who had been hot on his heels, was at his side right away. He gathered Ed’s hair, holding it back out of his face and away from the contents of the toilet bowl. He rubbed his free hand lightly up and down Ed’s back, and murmured a soothing mantra of “there we go,” “get it all out,” and “you’ll feel much better.”
When Ed’s stomach was finally empty, his epicurean achievement having gone quite literally down the toilet, Stede got him a glass of water.
“Budge up, darling,” Stede said as he sat down behind Ed. “I found a hair tie in the soap dish. Would you like me to braid your hair?”
That sounded like the best fucking idea Ed had heard all night. “Yes, please,” he whispered.
Stede quickly, but still gently, fashioned Ed’s hair into a serviceable French braid before grabbing a wet washcloth from beside the sink to clean Ed’s face. “I think we should probably get you to bed,” he said softly, as he wiped away sweat and sick. “You just need a good night’s sleep, give your stomach time to settle.”
“Fuck,” Ed swore under his breath. This was the jalapeño poppers all over again. He kept waiting for the wave of embarrassment to crash over him, but it never came. Just exhaustion and confusion, but also, strangely, a sense of security and maybe… comfort?
He slowly stood up, shaky from adrenaline and exertion, and braced himself against the sink. His bedroom was just down the hall. Right there. All he had to do was stay upright and put one foot in front of the other.
On second thought, the bathroom floor was starting to look like a good place for a nap.
Before Ed could sink back to the floor, Stede slid an arm around his back, and he leaned into it, tired and unsteady on his feet. He let Stede guide him to the bedroom, help him out of his sweaty clothes and into clean pajama pants, and tuck him into bed.
“Lucius said this would happen,” Ed mumbled as Stede settled him on his side. “Smug bastard’s never gonna let me live this down. He’s gonna be so fucking insufferable.”
Stede laughed softly. “Oh, I think we can keep this between us. Lucius needs never know. Stay on your side for me, okay?” He straightened up and moved toward the bedroom door.
A jolt of fear shot through Ed. Was Stede leaving?!
“Where are you going? Are you– are you taking off now?” he asked anxiously. “Stay. Please.” He couldn’t keep the plaintive edge out of his voice.
“Hush now. I’m not going anywhere,” Stede soothed from the doorway. “Just getting something from the kitchen. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
Stede was back in two minutes with a large bowl, which he placed on the floor next to Ed – just in case, he’d insisted – and a glass of water that he set on the side table where Ed could reach it.
The last thing Ed remembered before he dropped off to sleep was Stede pressing a kiss to his temple and whispering, “happy birthday, dear heart.”
Ed was rudely awakened by a text notification the next morning. His mouth tasted like a garbage dump on a hot July day – he really should have brushed his teeth last night – and his abdominal muscles were sore from intense use.
By all accounts, it should have been one of Ed’s shittiest birthdays, a perfect storm of all the worst choices he could have possibly made. But he still couldn’t bring himself to feel even a little bit embarrassed. Not while he was cocooned in the lavender-scented heat of Stede’s body pressed against his back, an arm slung across his waist, and a leg thrown over his own.
Ed sighed contentedly as Stede’s quiet snores drifted past his ear, warm breaths puffing against his neck. Ed reached for his phone, moving slowly so as not to wake Stede.
Lucius: So how’d it go?
Ed: i threw up
Ed couldn’t stop his smile from spreading wide across his face.
Ed: and i’m totally gonna marry him