Chapter Text
Rule number one: No kissing.
It was a good idea.
At first.
Neteyam had it all figured out. In order to be able to pay his goddamn rent, he’ll just start a fake dating business. That doesn’t sound all so bad, right? All he needs is to join a company– yes, he found out after extreme googling that they indeed exist, and he was in business. Won’t have to worry about money ever again. Absolutely foolproof. He’s the smartest man alive.
He was wrong.
The first few dates came with the awkwardness Neteyam was expecting. It’s the first time he’s doing something like this, of course it’s gotta start out awkward. He thought of it as a rite of passage, nothing worse. People found his profile on the website, booked a date with him, and there it is. From family gatherings to simple, individual dates with people who felt lonely, Neteyam was now the perfect boyfriend. Bought those strangers ice cream, put his arm around their shoulders, smiled at them like they were life’s entire meaning… he found out that he was pretty damn good at this.
No kissing. That was his rule. He’s only giving that to his nonexistent partner and occasionally very cute cats. A lot of customers argued about that rule, but in the end they were so desperate for some company that they ended up complying. Neteyam was more than alright with that.
Soon enough, his daily routine became a little something like this: wake up, college classes, fake date– usually coffeeshop runs, something he can fit in between lectures, more classes, fake date again in the evening, this time family gatherings involving a family member who did not want to be harassed about being single again.
That was now life for Neteyam. After such a busy day, he’d go straight to his apartment and relax while watching Netflix and scrolling through the fake dating app to see if anyone booked him. He ends up falling asleep on the couch, then he wakes up in the morning. Rinse and repeat.
“I just–” Kiri drags a hand down her face and shakes her head. “I just don’t think this is a good idea at all, Neteyam. I mean, fake dating? Not only does it sound like the messiest job ever, but it also sounds… kind of pathetic.”
Neteyam has always loved Kiri for her cutthroat honesty, but right now, he wasn’t really enjoying it. He gives her a shrug as they walk through campus. “It’s an easy way to get money. It’s just like that job you have at the campus coffee shop, in a way. I meet people, I talk with them…”
“It’s not the same thing, and you know it,” Kiri scoffs. “First, I don’t have sex with my customers–”
“Sex is prohibited. It’s just innocent dates, Kiri. I’m not hurting anyone.”
“Mhm,” the path ahead of them branches out and Kiri takes a left, walking to the other building where her class is. She throws a look over her shoulder at her brother, waving at him. “Call me when this finally bites you in the ass, I want front row seats.”
“Nothing less for my darling sister,” he flashes her a grin, but she’s looking away already.
Oh well. Time for class, then he has to do a small shopping session with a girl whose dream date is to have a handsome boyfriend to dress up.
He knows why Kiri doesn’t like his ‘job’ all that much. She actually couldn’t care less if he were actually fucking customers. No, what bothers her the most is that most of his customers are girls, and he has made clear to his family a few years ago that he bats for the other team.
Perhaps that’s why he also applied that no kissing rule.
But really, those aren’t real dates to begin with, so who cares? All he needs is to be the boyfriend his customer is expecting, and all will be good.
Because that's what this job is all about, and it kind of fascinates him. When he’s with a customer, he isn’t quite Neteyam, but the man those people expect to see. Sometimes he’s the shy, yet doting boyfriend. Other times he’s commanding and loud. With a simple glance he can immediately tell what those people want from him, and on God, he fucking delivers. Perhaps the constant ego-boot is why he keeps doing this. Or perhaps it’s Kiri’s eternal eye rolling.
Tonight, he’s having a date. A family gathering, as he expected. Something involving a rich grandmother who adores seeing her family, but in truth, the family only adores seeing her because they intend to be the next heir. He doesn’t really dwell on how sad that actually is– it’s not like he’ll see those people again. Unless he really likes the customer, he tries to limit his dates to one per person. It’s less messy that way, and the customer is less prone to catching feelings.
He puts on his fanciest outfit, fixes his hair, even puts on a nice earring he likes. Once he steps out of his apartment, he goes to the nearest flower shop to get a pretty bouquet (the woman who hired him requested he bring one for the grandmother).
Usually, he enjoys getting bouquets. He’s given his dear mother a bunch to thank her for her presence in his life. There is nothing more fascinating than the language of flowers, and Neteyam could get lost in those colorful petals for hours… if only fucking Ao’nung wasn’t on his goddamn shift.
He only knows his name because it’s written on his tag. From what it seems, the man is a college student with a part time job at a flower shop, and he appears to hate every second of it. That immediately tells Neteyam that man is a walking red flag, and that he should steer clear from him.
Except, Ao’nung won’t leave him alone. It’s the lingering stares, the tension whenever he pays for a bouquet, and the comments. God, the comments. Due to the nature of his job, Neteyam has bought a lot of bouquets in the last few months, which convinced Ao’nung of one thing.
“Damn, you’re always arguing with your girlfriend, are you?”
First, who the fuck is he to assume those flowers are to make up? Can’t a boyfriend simply want to give his girlfriend pretty flowers? Second, fuck that man for assuming he’s heterosexual. That’s criminal. Whenever Ao’nung comes up with a stupid comment like that, Neteyam simply elects to ignore it and pay for the bouquet.
Nevermind, that the florist has beautiful, dark eyes and the prettiest pair of lips Neteyam has ever seen. That’s literally nothing. He’s decided Ao’nung is an asshole, a red flag, a raging republican who throws darts on kitten pictures, and he’s nowhere close to changing his mind.
“Need help?”
Oh lord. Neteyam is dragged out of his thoughts as he realizes Ao’nung is standing right the fuck next to him with that expectant look on his face. He surely thinks he argued with his imaginary girlfriend again, and he’s now at the groveling phase. He’s not sure if things will get better if he explains that those flowers are actually for a rich grandmother he does not know.
Internally, Neteyam is kind of a bitch. Externally, however, he acts like the fucking angel people need him to be, so he gives Ao’nung his most charming grin. “Looking for a good bouquet. I need to impress.”
Ao’nung raises an eyebrow. “You and your girlfriend argued again?”
“It’s not her I need to impress. It’s another woman.”
He realizes how wrong that sounds. Ao’nung does too.
“I–I’m not cheating.” He doesn’t even have a girlfriend!
Ao’nung chuckles as he looks at the colorful flowers surrounding them. “Never said you were.”
“It’s just– I’m meeting family, y’know. Gotta make a good impression.”
“Ah, I see. Well, when it comes to meeting families, roses are a classic.”
Neteyam shakes his head. “I can’t give roses. Those are flowers for lovers. It would just– it would be weird.”
“Roses don’t only symbolize passionate love. Each color holds a different meaning. For instance, you could give a bouquet of those peach colored roses over there. They express thankfulness and appreciation.”
“I–” Seems like the bored florist actually knows how to do his job after all. He shakes his head anyway. “I’m not giving roses to a family meeting.”
This time Ao’nung chuckles. “Fuck you got against roses? They’re pretty great.”
“For lovers. Not for–” but his heart is doing somersaults in his chest for some reason. Nothing to do with the sound of Ao’nung’s laugh, right? He groans and reaches for a cute, colorful bouquet. “How about that one?”
“That’s our geranium bouquet. It’s to call its receiver a dumbass. Made it myself.”
He ended up getting daisies. Purity, new beginnings, cheerfulness. That sounds alright. That sounds more than alright.
Now, all he needs to do is to meet up with his date. There is a park a block away from the grandmother’s house, so his future fake girlfriend told him to meet him there since she lives nearby. Of course she didn’t tell Neteyam to pick her up at her place– she doesn’t know him! What if Neteyam was some ax murderer? He’s glad she’s being careful.
He’s standing at the park with his daisies in one hand, his phone in the other. A text message from Kiri, another from Lo’ak, and his mother hasn’t replied to his message yet. He checks the fake dating app… hm, no one booked him. That’s no biggie, though, since his schedule is pretty packed for the next two weeks. Turns out he’s pretty popular already.
Snow begins to fall, and he curses himself a little. His coat is nowhere near warm for that, and now he’s going to freeze and he’ll lose focus and the date will be–
“Neteyam?”
He turns, and smiles at the small woman standing in front of him. “Tsireya! It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Tsireya chuckles.
He’d shake her hand, but his hands are pretty full. He’d kiss her cheek, in that polite way people do when they meet new people, but it might just cause awkwardness, so he decides to simply nod at her and show her the daisies. “Do you think your grandmother will like it?”
Tsireya’s pretty dark eyes widen in joy. “Oh, she’ll love them. We should get going now, I organized ourselves so that we show up fashionably late. I’m usually the type to show up super early, but…” she grimaces. “I figured that if I were to introduce my, uh… fake boyfriend, I might as well be a little late. You know, the element of surprise.”
“That’s good reasoning,” he likes that girl already, and he can see the kind of Neteyam she wants: a funny, confident man who’s as easy going as her and who will charm everyone. This will be a piece of cake.
As they begin to walk to their destination, Neteyam decides to recap what they’ve told each other by text: “Tell me about your family?”
Tsireya smiles. “Well, of course there is my grandmother. She’s really, really nice. Maybe brutally honest at times… but we like her for that. My father is a good man, but he’s kind of strict. You should show him that you’re loyal and ambitious, he’ll like it. My mother…” she trails off and bites her lip. A snowflake lands on her nose. “She’s kind of the matriarch. Does all the decision making, you see. She’s my grandmother’s daughter, so you’ll see they’re quite similar. Don’t let yourself get intimidated. She’s pregnant, also! You also have my brother, but I’m not really worried about him.”
“Mhm. So basically I need to please all of them at once.”
Tsireya sighs. “I know I’m asking a lot from you… I’m just tired of being asked when I’ll finally have a boyfriend, so I figured this might shut them up for a while.”
“Don’t you worry,” Neteyam gently nudges her. “I’ve been through this a bunch of times. It’s all going to be alright.”
They finally reach the house… or, well, the enormous mansion. Now Neteyam understands why everyone in that family would be after the inheritance money.
“It looks… homey.”
Rich people. Those are easy to deal with… right?
Rich people are not easy to deal with.
Tonowari barely laughed at his jokes. Ronal gave him the stink eye before leaving to talk to her mother. The grandmother is actually quite a good woman, and as Tsireya warned him, her tongue is pretty sharp: she was quick to tell him that she preferred magnolias, as if Neteyam somehow knew that already.
It could have gone worse, though. At least, these people were buying that Tsireya suddenly had a boyfriend out of bumfuck nowhere. Maybe they were that desperate for her to get a partner… but why?
“My brother jumps from one relationship to another,” she explained to him while they were alone in the kitchen. “I guess they expect me to be the sweet, committed one.”
Well, now he knows. Tsireya fills him a glass of wine, he puts his arm around her shoulders, laughs at her jokes, gives her the Neteyam that she wants. Despite her family’s icy demeanor, everything seems to be going quite smoothly.
After an hour, Tonowari finally laughs at a joke.
“Where is your brother?” Neteyam asks Tsireya, trying to ignore the way he felt full of himself after hearing Towonari’s booming laugh.
“I think he just finished his shift,” she replies as she checks her phone. “Mhm, yes, he’s on his way right now. I’m telling you, he’s pretty cool. A lot of people in his college admire him. He’s part of the swimming team, so definitely talk about that to him.”
Neteyam’s swimming abilities are almost non-existent, but alright, he’ll do his best. He nods at Tsireya and, after about another half an hour of being an excellent fake boyfriend, the door leading to the living room is pushed open and Tsireya’s brother steps in.
“Ao’nung!” Tsireya grins as she walks to him, dragging Neteyam with her. “It’s good to see you. I want to introduce you to my new boyfriend– Neteyam!”
“Boyfriend, huh?”
And now, as Ao’nung looks at him with those amazing dark eyes, Neteyam really wants to text Kiri to tell her that he’s finally been bitten in the ass.